AZIAN LIST

I would've given pplz credit, but don't feel like listin em! hehe
Enjoy what I got!

What Goes On at An Asian Party

  • If you are a guy:


    1. You arrive to the party with a group of 10 or more other guys (in Honda's of course!).
    2. You are wearing Plaid or Flannel Shirt w/ a pair of jeans, Doc Martin's, and a white shirt underneath.
    3. The line at the door is short with mostly guys (approx 90% guys/ 10% girls).
    4. You don't mind if any girl cuts infront of you even they are ugly. If a guy cuts, you want to start a fight.
    5. Your hair contains two bottoles of mousse, one tube of gel, and one can of hair spray incase one strand gets out of place.
    6. You are either bald or you have a 2 hour old fade.
    7. Your pants are sagging, a pager is always in the right front pocket snapped on backwards, and your car alarm remote is hanging out in the left front pocket.
    8. You stare at every girl at the party, but never approach any of them.
    9. You hope the girl you've been looking at, knows one of your friends and then you will say "Hook Me UP!".
    10. Gets a woody if a cute girl happens to look at you and smile.
    11. As you come into the party, you say "what's up" to a guy friend with some sort of hand shake and it always end with a finger snap.
    12. You've smoked approx. 3 packs of Marlboro Lights before the night is over.
    13. You start to ask for cigarettes off of friends after your 3 packs cuz you think it will kill off the buzz from drinking 1/2 cup of 8oz. beer.
    14. You take about 2 hours to ask a girl to dance and by the time you get enough nerves to go up to her, one of her guy friends beat you to it. And you end up "Muggin" (that's the look of someone who wants to start a fight) that guy for the rest of the night and you keep tellin your
    friends that "she's dancin' with a chump".
    15. You end up settling for dancin with one of your girlfriends who doesn't look as good, have any kind of a body, or have any kind of rhythm (she's just nice).
    16. You come to the party all pumped up and by the time it's time to go home, you say "that party was weak! there was hella ugly girls" just cuz you didn't hook up with anybody eventhough there to go home, you say "that party was weak! there was hella ugly girls" just cuz you didn't hook up with anybody eventhough there was some fine ass girls.



    If you are a girl:

    1. You try to arrive a little late cuz you know that you get to cut somewhere in the lines as long as you look half decent and you reveal a little bit of your "size A" breasts with your "Wonder Bra".
    2. You never bring any money cuz you'll usually get in free by flirting with the guys at the door and suckers always buy you drinks.
    3. You order Midori Sours and Kamikaze's.
    4. You are wearing baggy jeans with a black "bebe, Calvin Klein, Kenneth Cole, or DKNY" baby doll shirt.
    5. High heeled black boots and a mini black back pack always are a part of your party attire.
    6. Some article of clothing is always black.
    7. You play with your hair when you try to get a cute guy's attention.
    8. You introduce yourself in the following manner: Your Name, Some
    Greek Alphabets, Your University, and "Nice to Meet You!".
    9. You only acknowledge people who is also wearing articles of clothing with some sort of Greek Alphabets.
    10. Get very angry when you see your cute guy freakin (dancin very nastily for those who needs the translation) with another girl who is wearing less clothes and more revealing than you.
    11. You go nuts when you hear "Bizarre Love Triangle" by New Order about to come on. You start to move your hips to the song, as you smile and make your self approachable. You wait 30 seconds as you look around and find out everyone is out there dancin'. You get desperate, then you lower your standards by asking the guy whom which you turned down 3 times that nite to dance.
    12. When that guy turns you down cuz he thought you were a bitch for turning him down 3 times, you get a few of your girl friends who also went through #11, and you all dance together in a group. Turning him down 3 times, you get a few of your girl friends who also went through #11, and you all dance together in a group.



    The Party in General:

    1. Ladies in free before 9:00, then when 9:00 comes around, it becomes free before 10:00, til it's free all nite.
    2. The guys at the door get a hard on (or a woody) when a group of girls flirts with them to get in free.
    3. The guys in line start to say "Damn, did you see that bitch, she was fine. That's Me dogg, That's all ME!"................. .......and do nothing about it! ..........then, at the end of the nite he saids "she wasn't all dat, I saw her close up and damn, it looks like someone stepped on her face and kept walkin!" Cuz he didn't hook up wit her.
    4. Male or female won't approach one another unless they know one of your friends in your group.
    5. The only rap songs you recognize are: Hip Hop Hooray and Baby Got Back.
    6. Most of the people who are dancin have no rhythm. None what so ever.
    7. Guys ask girls to dance in a group. 2 on 2, 3 on 3, 8 on 8.... "hey, you wanna dance? how many friends you got? We got 8 too!" "come on girl, stop frontin!" "We just gonna dance".
    8. The bar never makes any money.
    9. The whole dance floor is doing the "Cha Cha" when "Bizarre Love Triangle" is on.
    10. Smokers be smokin up a storm.
    11. Everyone looks like they are 16 if it's a 18 and over party; people look 17 if it's a 21 and over.
    12. A few guys who actually finished the 8 oz beer are hugging the trash can.
    13. When the slow song comes on, it's a Que. for the single people to leave and go outside. Like the outside scene would give you a better chance of hooking up.
    14. The pony keg is still half full.

    How to prepare before going to an asian party:

    1. Buy hair products at Costco.
    2. Buy cigarettes at Costco.
    3. Go to the barber shop or a friend who really knows how to cut hair, exactly two hours before the expected arrival time and ask for a "FADE".
    4. Have plenty of flannels handy and washed cuz you don't want to be wearing the same color plaid as your friends. (This way, there will be a variety of plaids to choose from).
    5. Practice the following at home: your attitude, do your hair, sag your pants, try on every color of your plaid shirts, work on your alcohol tolerance by drinking 1oz of beer and increasing one oz a week, go to "bebe" for a $50 black tee shirt, learn how to do the"Cha Cha".
    6. Practice to check out a girl or a guy without staring for an hour. (half a second should be your goal).
    7. Fix up your Honda's.
    8. Don't forget your pager since it is a part of your party attire(remember in the right front pocket backwards). Borrow one or just use one even if it's turned off.
    9. Cellular Phones goes in the right/left back pocket.
    10. Learn the finger snap hand shake.
    11. Finally, Learn and know the Greek Alphabet by heart.

How to be the Perfect Asian American Parent
(from the second generation perspective)

  1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.
  2. Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 grade on his/her report card.
  3. Don't "ai-yah" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
  4. Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).
  5. Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire Asian community.
  6. Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do with your life?" if he/she majors in a non-science field.
  7. Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.
  8. Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.
  9. Incorporate other phrases besides, "Did you study yet?" into your daily conversations with your children.
  10. Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.

How to be a Perfect Asian Kid
(from the first generation perspective)

  1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
  2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
  3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
  4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.
  5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.
  6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
  7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
  8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
  9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for omma and apba!).
  10. Love to hear stories about your parents' childhood... especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.

The Chinese Torture Tests

Guyz listen to your elders... this could be you.

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

HOW TO PLEASE AN ASIAN GIRL

  • 1) Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.

    2) Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.

    3) Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about one foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the
    better.

    4) Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you've heard about submissive asian women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive,
    guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control.

    5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured
    by your delight at the sight of Hello Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if
    you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.

    6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.

    7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament.

    8)There are NO MORE RULES to making your asian girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.

HOW TO KEEP KOREAN WOMEN HAPPY

1) They like roses. Bring them roses whenever you do something wrong. Bring them roses at unexpected times. Note: This can get expensive and too many roses will make them take it for granted so be cautious.

2) Take lotsa pictures. They like pictures. They like making albums for you with only you and her in them.

3) If you are far away, write letters even if you can use the phone or email. They like letters. Don't type the letters. You must write them by hand. Include pictures if possible.

4) Write poems. They like poems. Even if they are lousy just write them and they will like them. Don't let your other single guy friends find out about this or they will never let you live it down (all in good fun of course).

5) If you are close enough to see her everyday, write email if you can. They like LONG email. They like coming back from class to see lotsa email. If you are late but they recieved a long email message from you, they will not be angry.

6) Open doors for them. Even if it looks corny sometimes, they like it.

7) If you ask them a question and they respond with, "It's a woman thing" DO NOT attempt to delve or pry more information from them. They don't like sharing those "woman things" with guys.

8) Try hard not to look like a slob most of the time. If you are with her you should dress so she feels proud to show you off in public. She will be like, "Look what I got." and others girls should look at their companions and be like, "Look what I don't got. Secret: Dress so you look cool but it doesn't look like you were trying to look cool. Ignore the previous paragraph- I got carried away.

9) Don't ask them if girls fart. You know the answer is "yes". This is one case where "no" means "yes". Note: If you know them pretty well, it's okay to ask them.

10) Never get angry unless you have good reason. You must research a situation to make sure you are covered on all fronts. See Also: Other Buddies with girlfriends, Other girls, etc. Note: Do not see other girls for any reason other than advice. This could be ugly. Do not see other guys for any reason other than advice unless you're into that kinda thing.

If you can follow these 10 suggestions 24hrs a day you should be able to keep the Korean woman of your dreams happy.

Why Keeping Korean Women Happy is Worth it

1) I have not met ONE korean woman that does not know how to cook Korean food. Mmmmm. I've met plenty of Chinese women that do not know how to cook Chinese food.

2) Korean woman have connections. All Korean women seem to know each other. If you are a bad 'nam ja chin go', all women at your college will know what a 'nappun nome' you are. This is like blackmail! Heh. Note: You may be single for a long time until they all graduate. Then again if they have little sisters you will probably be single for longer.

3) Korean women are really emotional. When watching those Korean dramas on video they really enjoy crying. They will cry when the woman gets dissed by the man. They will cry when the man gets dissed by the woman. They will cry when the main character dies. They like to cry. They need shoulders to cry on and arms to hold them when they are sad. That is where you come in. Note: This is NOT a good time to take 'advantage of the situation'. Korean woman change emotions quite easily though the intensity remains the same. (i.e. Vulnerable sadness -> Invulnerable madness = Leave room quickly)

4) On the other hand, if you are a sensitive, caring, loving tough-guy to your girlfriend one day, all Korean women will know about it the next day. If you are this way long enough you will be high on the 'Korean Women Santa List' of things they want for X-mas. This comes in handy if you happen to become 'available'. Note: I advise you not to quickly jump into another relationship should this happen. If so you will be quickly put onto the 'Korean Women Blacklist'. Why will this happen? Korean woman are very emotional. See note in reason #3.

5) Many of them have cars. They drive nice cars. If you are a boyfriend you can drive their car. In fact they will insist that you drive their nice cars. It's that 'guys have to be masculine' thing. It's fun to drive nice cars. Warning: Making them scream by driving unusually fast is fun at first, but after the 3rd or 4th time it can deteriorate the relationship pretty quickly.

6) Korean women do cute things. Such as: Stick out their tongues and make funny faces, Make neat dried flower arrangements for you, Be sarcastic to you when you are feeling vulnerable, Make cute b-day cards for you with a cow who sticks out his tongue if you pull a string, Collect cute stuffed animals and scream 'MURDER' if you press their faces in, Sing along to all the songs they know no matter where they are Admit they aren't hungry, then when you get your meal they ask you to feed them 'just a little' b/c they don't have any chopsticks. (Eventually they finish your meal for you), Show you pictures of actors they think are cute and continually ask you if you agree (DON'T GIVE IN GUYS, Just say "NO"- It's a matter of pride), The list going on...

7) Korean women are monogamous. They never cheat on you. Why? It could be that other 'Korean women know the next day' thing. Nah, it's because you are a stud and they want you and only you.

8) Korean women are straight foward...most of the time. (e.i. If you tell a joke they will laugh if it's funny. If not, they will give you a look of disgust and tell you how 'sul-lung' it was.) Beats that mind-game thing in relationships though. Heh.

9) Korean women get jealous really easily. This is actually an advantage. If they see a fellow woman entering her territory they will give really mean looks to that woman. It's usually enough to send her in the other direction. This saves you the 'risk' of falling into temptation being the stud that you are.

10) Korean women think of you constantly. They will buy clothes for you. They will buy things on whim for you. They will write cute email to you. They will take you shopping with them b/c they want YOUR opinion. (Even though you don't know jack about clothes you MUST go and be ENTHUSIASTIC about it also) They buy anything they think you need, and it doesn't have to be your birthday- cool eh? Unconsciously they will constantly make you feel guilty for not thinking about them as much as they think about you- oops that's not an advantage. Heh.

11) Korean women are babes.

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