COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
All rights and privileges to Houshin Engi belong to Ryu
Fujisaki, JUMP Comics; Shueisha Inc., and TV Tokyo. Characters
from HE are used without permission for the purpose of
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In other words - please don't sue me, I need my
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****************************************************************
Smiling Tears
Part IV
By Shioru Sutherlands (aka. Kotoshin)
****************************************************************
i don't want to understand you don't want to understand
i'm afraid to comprehend you're afraid to comprehend
how you have got me possessed won't admit you were impressed
that i'm truly obsessed or that i had you outguessed
if i strip away the lies if you strip away the lies
will i find truth in your eyes will you live without disguise
if i put aside my mask if you set aside your mask
will you answer what i ask you will answer what you ask
what does he have that i have not you won't heed the words i say
what do i lack that he has got if i speak the truth today
simply cannot let it lie you refuse to recognize
need to know the reason why the self hidden in your eyes
impossible to let you know impossible to let you know
my facade from head to toe what comes easy also goes
the stark truth of heart and soul only if the price is met
secret of myself as a whole are found truths one can't forget
from you i've nowhere to hide from you i've nowhere to hide
still i can't forget my pride awakening memories inside
if i pretend i am fine you and i like parallel lines
would you come past the last line somehow crossed and intertwined
- "Parallel Lines"
-- Youzen <-> Fuugen Shinjin
================================================================
GYOKUIZUMISAN, UMEISEKKAI (early evening)
Under a bloody crescent, the faint outline of two fallen figures
were shadowed under the silhouettes of barren baika tress.
Youzen could see himself reflected in blue-violet eyes. Gazing
at his own reflection, he wondered if he seemed as uncertain to
their owner.
Pinning the sennin securely, Youzen bent, and pressed his lips
to Fuugen's.
He expected a struggle. He expected Fuugen to tense with shock
or even ... disgust. He expected Fuugen to push him away, to
fight him, to attempt escape.
Youzen was ready for any of those things.
If the sennin had struggled, he would have held firm. He would
have held on even if the body beneath rejected him with frigid
silence. If the sennin had tried to resist, he would have ...
...he would not have stopped what he was doing.
But Fuugen did none of those things.
Arms slipped upwards, wound slowly about his neck, bringing him
closer. The body beneath his was pliant, even willing. Lips
touched his, and while he was content to simply let the moment
stay, frozen, Fuugen was not.
Fuugen kissed him back.
Lips touched his, and parted. Surprised, Youzen opened his mouth
to speak, only to feel the intrusion of tongue and warm breath.
"... fu - Fuugen Shinjin?!" So, it was Youzen who drew back.
Youzen, who pulled away as if he had been burnt.
Fuugen was smiling.
A smile that was different from the gentle smile Youzen was
accustomed to seeing. There was something savage, almost wanton
in the laughing expression.
"I am sorry to have frightened you, Youzen-kun." Fuugen sat up,
smiling, one hand smoothing back tousled locks of sky-blue hair.
"Was that your first kiss?"
He stared in disbelief as the sennin stood, calmly picking off
stray blades of grass that clung to white pants.
This was not the Fuugen Shinjin he knew.
Youzen backed away, only to find himself up against a tree
trunk. As if sensing his confusion, Fuugen stalked over, resting
hands against the sides of his head. Swallowing, he tried to
think.
"Do I frighten you, Youzen-kun?" The voice was a husky purr
beside his ear. "No, don't answer that."
Panicked, purple eyes could only return the predatory look that
was to be found in blue-violet eyes.
"Youzen-kun ... " A fiery burn on his neck, as Fuugen put his
mouth there, nipping hungrily. "Aren't you going to stop me?"
/Wasn't this what I wanted?/
Yes, it was.
Pearly teeth caught hold of the zipper at his throat, and
tugged down, slowly.
It was what he wanted. To be wanted, to be loved by this person.
Searing sensation, making him tremble as the sennin kissed his
exposed skin.
/Don't I WANT this?/
Youzen didn't understand himself at all.
/... why don't I want this?/
"Stop ... " He heard himself say. "... please ..."
He was freed.
"... Fu... Fuugen ...?" With his back pressed against the rough
bark, Youzen panted heavily.
Why? He wanted to ask. Why did you stop?
"Youzen-kun," Fuugen Shinjin stood in a broken patch of
moonlight, back turned. "You are not the only person who wears
a mask."
Those words shook him to the core.
"Youzen-kun." The sennin turned, the familiar, sweetly angelic
smile on his face. "See you tomorrow."
... how had Fuugen known?
"You know where I live, Youzen-kun."
================================================================
IN THE NIGHT
He couldn't.
He couldn't stay. He couldn't stay and face those eyes. He
couldn't stay and face those eyes that were his. His eyes.
HIS OWN EYES. His own eyes, staring back at him from the past.
His past, a distant past too close.
The lies. The lies in those eyes. The lies that those eyes
refused to see. Self-deception, self-delusion - no matter what
the name, lies were lies.
"If it was you, you might have been able to prevent this."
Emerald eyes, laughing, merry emerald eyes. Emerald eyes, golden
hair and golden laughter. So like and so unlike from another
pair of emerald-green eyes.
"If it was you, you would have prevented this ..."
A pair of emerald eyes, the most important person to him.
"... wouldn't you?"
She, too, had been the most important person to him. She had
saved his life, twice. She had destroyed his life once.
"... if you had the power to prevent this ..."
She was dead.
"... wouldn't you?"
Fuugen did not weep.
"You will regret."
Emerald eyes, all warmth fled - leaving only the cold glitter of
gems behind.
"Why?" He already knew the answer to his question.
"... because I will not forgive."
The hatred in those emerald eyes had nearly destroyed him, even
as it saved his life. Unwilling to believe, he had locked
himself away into a lie that never happened.
//My name is Fuugen. My parents sent me up here when the sennin
told them I was to come to Konronsan. What's your name?//
A pair of emerald eyes, with the same vivid intensity, the same
fire. A pair of emerald eyes that held the same pain.
//... Taikoubou.//
//I think I'll call you Bou-chan, ne?//
//... hey! Who gave you permission to call me that?//
"You don't like it, Bou-chan?" He had smiled, teasing.
//NO.//
//Don't be shy, Bou-chan. Here.//
//What's this?//
A pair of gloves, warm and thick, suitable for the coming cold
weather.
//Don't you like it? My mother made it for me. She told me she
will make me another pair the next time I go visit her. You can
keep this pair, Bou-chan.//
It was a lie. His parents were dead, his village razed to the
ground. He pretended that they were still there, that it had
never happened.
Bou-chan had been very angry when he found out.
//*SLAP*//
He had one hand pressed to his cheek, disbelieving.
//... Bou-chan?//
The emerald eyes burned, quivering in anger.
//Are you going to live a lie forever?
Are you going to pretend it never happened?
I know that it hurts. I know that it hurts to remember.
I have lost my family, my people, too.
I know that I'm not you, and I don't know the pain you feel.
But - if you don't accept the truth -
You will never be able to keep it from happening again!//
No. It will not happen again. It will NEVER happen again.
//Will you help me do this?//
And it was those emerald eyes that made him see the truth.
Emerald eyes, which forced him to see himself for the coward he
was. Emerald eyes which accepted him, emerald eyes ...
//It's a deal.//
... emerald eyes that allowed him look at his reflection, his
truth, without flinching.
"I am who I am."
Fuugen knew very well what kind of a bastard he really was. He
knew he was a smiling, manipulative bastard.
"Bou-chan ..." He smiled.
The person he would do anything to protect. The person he would
lie to, lie for. The person he would kill for, die for. The
person he chose to live for.
"... will you prevent this from happening again?"
Emerald eyes, tainted by an emotion he would never allow the
pair he treasured to hold.
For his emerald eyes contained a dream so wide, so encompassing,
that it held his own dream as a single grain of sand.
"I am waiting for your answer, Ei Shuu." [1]
"I don't have the answer," he told the eyes - emerald eyes -
looking at him from a distant memory.
"... but I know who does."
================================================================
KOKYUSAN, HAKKUSHIRU DOU
"Fuugen, WHERE have you been?" Taikoubou demanded as soon as
he crossed the threshold. "I'm STARVING!"
"Out ... for a walk." Fuugen Shinjin smiled back.
"A walk?" That was it? THAT took the smiling idiot that long?
A stupid little walk made Fuugen forget that there was someone
starving here back home? [2] Okay, serious payback time tonight.
"Susuu, have a little patience." Mokutaku poked his head out.
"Shishou! You're back! I ... ur ... I'm having a little trouble
with the bamboo steam cages ..."
"I'll take care of it." Fuugen smiled. He'd forgotten that
Mokutaku had only steamed buns once. "Won't you go over to the
fridge and find the red clay pot? It should be on the third
shelf from the bottom, to the right. That is the soup I was
going to heat up tonight."
Given the chill in the night, hot soup was a very good idea.
"Fuugen?" Taikoubou caught hold of his arm. "... you're
freezing. (sheesh, and you always say /I/ don't know how to
take care of myself ...) Get inside here -?!"
Fuugen hugged him tightly.
"...*gasp* ... you're squeezing the breath out of me." Taikoubou
pried himself loose. "What is with you today?"
"Nothing." They were standing just outside the kitchen. "I just
... realized how happy I am."
"... don't even /think/ of getting out of your promise tonight."
"Bou-chan," Fuugen smiled back as he set up the bamboo steam
cage properly. "Perhaps I'm happy because I'm looking forward
to it?"
/Ohohohohoho./ Taikoubou snickered mentally. /We'll just see
about that./
================================================================
GYOKUIZUMISAN, UMEISEKKAI
Fuugen left.
//Youzen-kun, see you tomorrow.//
Recovering /his/ mask without fumbling, Fuugen Shinjin left.
//You know where I live, Youzen-kun.//
Youzen could still hear his voice.
Suddenly furious, he swung Sansendou into the ground before him,
hard. Staring at the jagged lines cut deeply into the earth,
Youzen felt a grim satisfaction.
/... how ... childish./
The senseless destruction made him felt much better - until he
thought of /him/ again.
He remembered.
//I abhor senseless violence and destruction.//
The words Fuugen Shinjin said twenty years ago.
"You aren't here." He told the laughing night wind. "I can do as
I please. I don't care what you think of me!"
But he did.
//Youzen-kun, you are not the only person who wears a mask.//
"Leave me ... alone."
Youzen buried his face in his hair, his hands; trying to collect
the shattered semblance of perfection.
================================================================
KOKYUSAN, HAKKUSHIRU DOU
"Ahhh. Your cooking is excellent, as always." Taikoubou let out
a satisfied burp.
Mokutaku looked into his bowl of cream of corn egg-drop soup,
covering his snickers. His susuu seemed more of a child than
/he/ was at times ...
"I'm glad you liked it, Bou-chan," Fuugen collected the various
bowls, plates, and eating utensils. "Mokutaku, it's your turn
tonight."
"Hai, shishou." Mokutaku busied himself with finishing his soup.
"... I was wondering - why doesn't Taikoubou-susuu ever take a
turn at doing the dishes?"
"Would you trust me with those dishes?" Taikoubou took a peach
from the basket on the table, and bit down after polishing the
fruit against a sleeve. "I just might make sure no one ever
needs to do dishes again."
"Oh." Mokutaku's eyes widened. Given Taikoubou-susuu's ...
tendencies, it was very likely that the doushi would break EVERY
single dish and bowl just so he wouldn't have to do them.
"Mokutaku," Fuugen gave his pupil a meaningful look. "Don't give
your susuu ideas."
Setting the dishes in the sink, Fuugen turned on the faucet.
"Shishou, when's practice tomorrow? The one I'm to do with
Nii-sama?"
"The usual time, an hour after daybreak." Fuugen smiled. "Don't
stay up too late."
================================================================
GYOKUIZUMISAN, UMEISEKKAI (midnight)
The tread of familiar footsteps.
"Youzen."
"... shishou?" Youzen woke from a fitful doze. He had curled
himself up against one of the baika trees.
"You'll catch a cold like this."
A blanket draped about his shoulders. Familiar warmth, arms
helping him up and guiding him ... home.
"... I'm sorry, shishou."
He was tired. He did not need his mask with this person. With
the person who knew him for who he was - for /what/ he was - the
only person who loved him /despite/ knowing what he was.
//Youzen-kun, you are not the only person to wear a mask.//
He wanted to cry.
"Come inside." There was no hint of reproach in Gyokutei
Shinjin's voice. "It's late."
"Hai."
================================================================
~tbc~
================================================================
[1] Ei Shuu = 3/4Æ1/4° what shi set as Fuugen's birth name. If
anyone's interested in the actual Chinese characters,
open or cut n' paste this file in a Chinese word
processor.
[2] Ehehehheh. Susuu, you've been brainwashed by Fuugen, ne?
Don't you have your own room back at Gyokukyo Kyu?
================================================================
Shin no Freetalk:
EEEP.
A dark chapter this time. What happened to all the jokes and
light-hearted parts?
Nevermind. It will come back w/ a vengeance.
Still, shi was amazed that shi managed to do the Fuugen
flashback/past bit without giving /too/ much away. ^o^
And the thought of Fuugen 'devirginizing' Youzen ... numnum.
Hmmm. Lots of teacher-pupil interaction here ... isn't family
life wonderful? (starts envisioning Papa-susuu & Momma-Fuugen
and plus the baby Mokutaku makes three ... ^^;)
Susuu's revenge WAS going to be in this chapter, but the weird
dark mood -> fun bondage mood shift had shi feel pretty ... odd.
Not just shi, but also shi's proofreaders. It was very jarring
when they pointed it out - however, given shi's extreme mood
changes, shi dinna notice when writing.
So vengeance has been cut out of this part.
Making this a short part. MWAHHAHAHAHAH. (2 hrs/day for two days
of work, just like the first part ~ but only 15K ~)
Shi decided it will NOT reach 50K this part. Ehehehehh.
Go on, have at shi w/ the mails. I dare you.
mail shi-chan at kichin@doushi.org with any comments! ^o^
================================================================
Sneak previews of what's going to happen next:
Susuu's revenge (finally!).
Youzen pays a visit, and learns more about Fuugen.
Genshitenson calls for Youzen.
================================================================
First Edition: September 25th, 2000 at 10:27 AM
Last Revised: September 27th, 2000 at 9:16 PM
================================================================
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