TimeRunner <keiichi@i-manila.com.ph>

Why am I reposting this? Simple.

1) I am working on Part 5 and would like to give people a
quick refresher. 2) What with all the revengefics around
(and with some self-insertion fics masquerading as
revengefics), I thought those of you who haven't read this
might be interested. 3) For C&C, especially on [Ronin]. 4) I
am reposting it in its original form (aside from correction
typos), complete with notes at the end and scorecard, for
all you guys from FFML #1. Nostalgia time!

With that out of the way, I give you...




Gratuitous Self PART 1:

---

     Takezo sat in front of his PC, eager to write down a
ton of ideas coming from his so-called and self-proclaimed
creative mind.
     Actually, what happened was this; Takezo, a relative
newbie at anime, watched several episodes of Ranma and
wondered what it would be like to be a part of that reality.
     Mistaking these random daydreams for an original idea,
he set about writing a story where he would be the silent
yet powerful type lurking around among the unnoticed
students of Furinkan High.

---


An excerpt from 'Turning Road' by Musashi  Takezo

     ...I'm too late to save her, thought Ranma frantically
as he dove to catch Nabiki from falling from the school
balcony. She had been caught in the crossfire of a deadly
duel between Ranma and Ryoga, and was accidentally pushed
off the balcony.
     "NOOO!!! Somebody catch her!!!"

     Suddenly,  from the crowd watching below, a shadowy
figure, almost a blur, leapt up and caught the falling
Nabiki.
     Their eyes met.
     Nabiki's breath caught in her throat. Who was this
knight in shining armor that came to save her? "Who...?"
     "Shhh," the figure replied. He gently set her down on
the ground.
     He didn't look all that different from the average male
Japanese high school student. He was in the usual school
uniform, and didn't look all that dashingly
handsome...except...except that he exuded a quiet sort of
power that one wouldn't notice at first glance.
     "Um...", started Nabiki.
     "Yes? What is it?"
     "May I know your name?"
     "It's Takezo. Musashi Takezo."
     Nabiki could only look in awe as the mysterious and
powerful Takezo leaped into the air and disappeared in a
blur...

---

     "It's perfect!", exclaimed Takezo as he finished
writing. He immediately sent it off to all of his friends,
and also on the fanfic mailing list, eager to share his
daydream with the rest of the otaku world.

     His friends, being the friends that they were, simply
said that the fanfic was 'a good start' and that he should
keep at it, although they began to talk about his delusions
behind his back.
     The fanfic mailing list, however, was not as kind.

     "Nabiki is out of character! Ranma is out of character!
Ryoga is out of character! The whole damn fanfic is out of
character!"
     "Except Kuno. He's still an idiot. How convenient for
Takezo, eh?"
     "Drivel. 'Nuff said."
     "The word 'feh' comes to mind...and feh isn't even a
word!"
     "If I had a dime for every fanfic like this ever posted
on this mailing list....."

     Takezo was crushed. How could his masterpiece come
under so much criticism from the mailing list? His friends
said they liked his fanfic, so at first he couldn't
understand why everyone on the list hated it. Then he
thought of how people don't appreciate writing 'before its
time'. Then he thought everyone was just jealous because he
and Nabiki hit it off so well.

     Finally, a kind (relativistically speaking, of course)
soul on the list told him bluntly what he had to do.
     "Something has to set it apart from all the other
fanfics."
     Okay. Fine then.

---

     ...Nabiki stared in shock.
     Takezo was gone.
     In his place was a cold, dripping wet, and miserable
talking car.
     "Now you know my secret," the car said. "You know my
deepest darkest secret. That I really am.....KITT."

---

     "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!", said the now irritated
relatively kind soul.
     "So what did you mean?"
     "I meant that the whole damn thing's too self-
glorifying!"
     "Really? In what way?"
     "Argh..."

     After one hundred and twenty-six clues, Takezo finally
got what the relatively kind soul meant.

---

     Nabiki  sneered at the pathetic wimp before her. "What
a total loser you are. You can't fight, you're not cute, you
take me out to this cheap pizza place, and now you don't
bring any money to pay for the tab?! What did you expect,
that I'D pay for it?"
     "Yes, my queen, you are right, I am but a sniveling
fool under the sole of your lovely shoe..."
     "You're damn right I'm right! If I DO pay for you, will
you become my personal slave?"
     "Yes, mistress, anything you say...."

---

     "Hmm," thought the relatively kind soul. "That's an
interesting spin on the story."
     "But I don't feel right about writing this way. I mean,
this is myself I'm making a fool out of."
     "If it works...."
     "No! I won't have it!"
     "Calm down, Takezo. She doesn't have to treat you like
dirt, you know. Just don't glorify yourself too much."
     "But...But I need a hook for the story, like you said."
     "You'll think of something."

---

     Takezo and Nabiki were walking to school together when
Nabiki noticed something in the sky, and, like she always
did, deftly avoided potential trouble without telling the
people around her. Consequently, Takezo never saw what hit
him.

     Takezo climbed out of the tangled mess of cords and
fabric, as did another person. Takezo pointed his finger at
the newcomer and said, "Just who the hell are you, anyway?!"
     The newcomer simply smiled, combed his hair, dusted
himself off and said, "My name...
     "...is Shutaro Mendou."

---


     "What do you mean, I have to change it?! What is it
this time?!"
     The relatively kind soul replied, "Oh, it's a bit
better, this time, except..."
     "Except what?!"
     "Except Timerunner's already doing the 'Mendou comes to
Furinkan' bit."


     (At this point, the writer of this story about an
writer writing the story is growing tired of typing
'relatively kind soul' over and over again, so, for the
purpose of KISS [Keeping it simple, stupid], the story will
now refer to the 'relatively kind soul' as Bob.)


     Finally, Bob (creative name, huh) and Takezo decided on
a fairly simple premise for the story, one that would not
overly glorify the main character (who, by some strange
coincidence, was also named Takezo) and would not have
people act out of character ("NABIKI DOES NOT FAWN OVER
ANYONE!!!). Bob's advice was...
     True, the story was not going to please everybody, but
hey, that's the number one rule when it comes to writing
fanfics (or any story, for that matter).
     You can never please everybody.

---
[Final Version of 'Turning Road]

     "No way!"
     In Furinkan High's study hall, a discussion of sorts
between two friends was taking place.
     "Yes way. Nabiki Tendo's conned yet another hapless
infatuated young fool."
     "No way!"
     "I kid you not, Takezo. She did the old 'date 'em and
bleed 'em' again. It was poor Masanori this time. He'll be
up to his elbows in dishwater for the rest of his life."
     "No way!"
     "Hellooooo! Is there an echo in this room?"

---
     Either that, Bob thought as he read this part, or the
writer's gotten into a rut.
---

     "But...Takeshi..."
     "Look, Takezo, buddy. I'm just warning you. I don't
appreciate you calling me a liar."
     "I'm not saying that you're lying, Takeshi, it's just
that you might simply be mistaken about..."
     "...About that conniving bitch? I don't think so,
Takezo."
     "You take that back!"
     "What? You mean my calling her a 'bitch'? Why?"
     "I said take it back!", shouted Takezo as he swung at
Takeshi.
     "Whoa whoa whoa! Take it easy! Don't tell me you have a
thing for that b...that girl!"
     "So what if I do, huh?!"

     By this time, everybody in the room were listening in
on the conversation, although they tried their best not to
show it.
     "Akane, they're talking about your sister."
     "It figures. She went on another date last night."
     "Probably bled the guy for all he was worth, and then
some."
     Honestly, thought Akane.      I wish for once Nabiki
would be more discreet about her extortion rackets. True,
we'd all be starving at the dojo if it weren't for her, Dad
having no stable income and all, but...

     "Captain Kuno, I think they're talking about Nabiki
Tendo again.

---
     Takezo checked his e-mail for C&C, and slapped his
forehead when he read one reply asking why someone was
calling Kuno 'Captain'. "Excuse me," he said, although no
one else was around at the time, "does ANYBODY pay attention
to details anymore? Captain of the Kendo Club. He-loooo!
Anyone home in there?"
---

     "And what sort of misdeed has that cursed woman done on
this occasion?"
     "Um, she went on another date, Captain."
     "Oh, the poor fool. I can sympathize with him. The Kuno
family would probably be twice as rich as it is right now if
it wasn't for that wench. By the way..."
     "Yes, Captain?"
     "...What about the treasurer for our club?"
     "Masanori, sir? He's the one Miss Tendo dated last
night. He....kind of embezzled our club funds to pay for
some of his debts."
     "NOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!"

     "Hey Ranma! Your fiancee's sister claimed another
victim last night."
     "Do I look like I care?"

---
     Bob met Takezo on RanmaMUCK to give him some advice.
     "Whether or not the protagonist ends up with whomever
is immaterial to the story, really."
     "WHAT?! Then what's the point of the story?!"
     "The point of the story is...the reader's interest must
be maintained. One way to do that is this...the reader has
to identify with the characters. For example, if you're so
hell-bent on making your character hit on Nabiki..."
     "Well, excuse me."
     "...The reader should have a reason for rooting for
him. Otherwise, you fall into the trap of writing just
another self-gratifying fanfic that didn't entertain anyone
but the writer."
     "Come to think of it," Takezo said, "Most of them are
like that. Probably just written so that the writer could
vent off on someone other that himself. I admit, I started
this thing probably to do just that. But now that I think
about it, you're right. The story is what's important."
---

     Takeshi rubbed the side of his jaw where Takezo slugged
him for calling Nabiki something that will not be mentioned
here.
     "FINE! If you don't believe me," Takeshi told Takezo,
"give her that damn letter you keep chickening out on giving
her. Then you'll see her true colors."
     "FINE!", retorted Takezo. "I'll go and do that! I'll
prove you wrong! You'll see."

     Nabiki opened her footlocker and found an envelope in
it, sealed with a Gyopi sticker.

---
     "Are you sure they'll get this reference?", asked
Takezo.
     "No," replied Bob. "But those who do will crack a smile
for sure. That's the whole point of putting obscure
references. Not everyone will get the joke, but you'll get a
laugh out of those who do."
---

     Nabiki opened the envelope and read the letter inside.
She smiled to herself mischievously.
     "And here I thought I could only pull this sort of
racket off once a week, to let the rumor mill slow down
before the next letter. It's pretty unusual to get another
date offer so soon. Heh. Never thought I'd be making two
killings this week. Nice letter though..."

     Nabiki Tendo, age 17, has no girl's heart.


     "I got your letter," said Nabiki to Takezo. "I'm so
happy to know you like me too..."
     "You...you mean you'll go out with me?"
     "Sure!"
     "Yatta! I'll pick you up tomorrow at one, then!"
     As Takezo waved and happily walked out of the school
courtyard, Nabiki felt a split-second pang of guilt and
regret, the same one she always got whenever she fooled a
guy this way, the same one she always shrugged off a moment
later, the same one she totally forgot about when the date
got under way.
     Still....

---
     "Hold it. What's this about a pang of guilt?"
     "Well, I thought I'd make Nabiki less evil..."
     "You realize you will be accused of portraying Nabiki
out of character?"
     "On what grounds? We NEVER see Ranma 1/2 through her
point of view, so who the hell besides Takahashi herself has
the right to tell me which thoughts are IC for Nabiki and
which ones are OOC?"
     "You have a point...but..."
     "But like you said," interrupted Takezo, "you can't
please everybody."

WATCH FOR  PART 2: Takezo attempts to write about the date!
Will he be able to write about it and look himself in the
mirror every morning? Will the fanfic mailing list regulars
praise or persecute him for his writing? Will Bob get a name
change?


-***-

     And so, the first part of the fanfic I've always wanted
to write is done. No, silly, not 'Turning Road'. I
originally planned it to be a satire on the state of some
fanfics being posted on the list, but then, I found myself
empathizing with the characters. Great. And I've never
written a GSIF (Gratuitious Self-Insertion fanfic) in my
life! Unless, if you count this one, until now.

     Writing this story, I suddenly realized that GSIF's are
simply idle daydreams and fantasies put to paper (or
phosphor). While we may criticize some of them for being
pretty banal (I sure as heck do), we all think about being
in an anime universe sometimes. No, admit it. We do. Whether
it's being a martial artist in mortal combat with Ranma, or
dialing the Goddess Relief Office by mistake, or defending
the world from the Aragami, or simply hitting on that anime
character we find so cute or kind or noble, we have
daydreamt. It's just that some people simply translate their
ideas into writing better than others.
     So, I intend to continue this story until Takezo
finishes his. Some people will disagree with his portrayal
of the Ranma cast. That's fine. I intend it to be that way.
Some people will disagree on my view about the whole GSIF
issue. That's fine, too. It's to be expected. After all...

     ...You can't please everybody.


     Oh, yeah...Just a small scorecard.

     Anyone who got the 'one hundred and twenty-six' clues'
reference gets 5 style points.
     Anyone who got the 'Takezo Musashi' reference gets 10
style points. No, wait, make that 20. It's a pretty tough
reference.
     Anyone who got the reason why my fanfic about Mendou in
Furinkan High was called 'Trouble in Furinkan High' gets 5
points. Come on! The answers in the name! (BIG GLARING HINT)
     Anyone who got the "Timerunner's already doing the
'Mendou comes to Furinkan bit'" gets no points. Yep. Come
on! That's me! I wrote that! You don't expect to get credit
for something I told you!
     Anyone who got the 'Gyopi' reference not only gets 50
points, but also my respect. Unless you're the Scriviner, in
that case, no fair, I told you about it already.
     Anyone who got the 'KITT' reference, subtract 10 points
and go jump in the ocean at riptide so David Hasselhoff can
save you. Joudan, joudan.
     Anyone who thinks I just made a Michael Jordan
reference can go swallow a basketball.

     And if you think you know who I am on RanmaMUCK, tell
me, because I sometimes wonder if I write in the same style
as I muck.


     Well, until PART 2 then.

     TimeRunner, December 22, 1996.

-----

        Um. Er. After reading several more self-insertions
(all the while cringing at the gratuitousness of it all), my
opinion has changed slightly on the self-insertion issue,
but I am keeping in that little essay on it at the end. Why?
        Because I appreciate irony.

On with the story.

Gratuitous Self  Part Two: The Twice-Baited Trap


     Takezo had posted his fanfic, 'Turning Road', on the
mailing list and had been waiting for quite some time for
C&C. Three days, to be exact.
     "I wonder why no one's responded to my fanfic?", he
said to Bob, who was proofreading part two of 'Turning
Road'.
     "What do you expect?", Bob replied. "It's a fairly new
fanfic without a following yet You haven't stepped on any
toes, 'sfar as I can tell, and..."
     "And what?"
     "And you haven't ASKED for any C&C."

     As Takezo was facefaulting (a very painful thing to do
in the real world), Bob continued reading.

---

     "Another mixed pizza, please!"
     "Nabiki," asked Takezo, "are you always this hungry?"
     Nabiki blinked at the unexpected question. "What do you
mean?"
     "I mean, you're always eating! Nearly everytime I see
you, if you're not counting mo....er...."
     "Counting money," Nabiki finished.
     "Uh, right. If you're not counting your earnings,
you're eating something."

---

     Come to think of it, thought Bob as he looked up from
the manuscript for a moment, he's right.

---

     Where is she putting it all? thought Takezo as he
watched Nabiki finish off her mixed pizza.
     "Aa, oishi katta!", said Nabiki as she wiped her mouth
and hands with her napkin.
     "I'm glad you enjoyed it," said Takezo. "Check,
please," he cried out to the nearest waitress.
     "Here you go!", said the pink-haired waitress as she
handed him the platter with the bill.
     "NANI?! 2500 yen?!" screamed Takezo...only in his mind,
of course. Instead, he looked up at the smiling waitress
(funny, he thought. Are those fangs?) and asked with all the
composure he could muster up, "Are you sure?"
     "Hai!"
     *grumble* With reluctance, he handed over 3000 yen.
     "I'll return with your change!" And with that the perky
waitress left.
     Nabiki said, "I really appreciate this..." and gave
Takezo a sweet (and no doubt calculated) smile.
     At that moment, Takezo forgot all about pizza and
yen..."I...er...I...I...."

---

     Hmmm, thought Bob. So far, so good. Nabiki's in
character, Takezo's reasonably normal...And he managed the
odd in-joke.

---

     Suddenly, two women entered the restaurant, firing semi-
automatic weapons everywhere. Mice crawled out from
everywhere, pursued by the strange pink-haired waitress.
     Takezo leapt up, stood in front of Nabiki and took a
bullet...

---
     "Alright! What's this about this totally out-of-nowhere
commando raid on Akies' Restaurant? And this 'noble'
sacrifice?"
     "It's no good, huh?"
     "Damn straight!"
     Takezo glumly deleted the offending paragraphs and
rewrote.
---

     Walking through the park, Nabiki and Takezo were
stopped by a pack of mean-looking gang members.
     "Nice girl you got there, friend.", one of the thugs
said menacingly.
     Nabiki simply crossed her arms and smirked.
     Takezo, on the other hand, simply said, "Don't you
people know who you're dealing with?"
     "Should we?"
     Takezo Musashi drew a katana from - for lack of a
better term, hammerspace
- and announced...
     "I am Takezo Musashi, Student of the five Rings!"

---
     "Hey! What did I tell you about this self-glorifying
crap?"
     "But...But...Don't you know who Takezo Musashi is?"
     "Besides you? I know, I know. Musashi Miyamoto's
teenage name. Musashi being the greatest swordsman who ever
lived, founder of the schools of The Way of the Water and
the Five Rings of the elements. So?"
     "That's the one....What do you mean so?"
     "So..."
     "Let me do my thing, okay?"
     "*sigh* Okay, but I'm warning you, this will come off
as obnoxious..."
     "Yeah, yeah, obnoxious. Get a new line, that one's
getting old."
---

     Konoichi was having a bad day.
     This was the fourth girl he and his friends
propositioned this day that didn't respond as predicted.
     The first one simply stopped playing her saxophone long
enough to beat the crap out of them.
     The second one got lost in some fog right after she
shouted 'Shabon Spray' or something like that.
     The green-haired one pointed at him and shouted,
'Divine Retribution' before he somehow got electrocuted and
blacked out.
     Now this girl simply had a boyfriend with a katana.
Wonderful.

     Takezo put his finger in a hole in the handle crossbar
and started spinning the sword. He rushed the thugs,
shouting, "Cyclone Blade!"

---
     "Cyclone Blade?"
     "C'mon," said Takezo, "don't you know the reference?"
     "I do, but..."
     "But?"
     "Sayaka was right. It DOES sound like the name of a
bicycle."
---

     Standing amid the unconscious bodies of the gang
members...

---
     "Unconscious?"
     "Well, he...he just hit them with the flat of the
blade."
     "Uh-huh. Very likely."
---

     ...Takezo sheathed his sword, which he put away
(probably in hammerspace again), and turned to face Nabiki,
expecting a look of amazement, perhaps? Or utter adoration?
     Nabiki looked at him with the blank look girls usually
use to totally deflate a guy's ego and said in the flat tone
used for the same purpose, "Are you done?"

---
     Very good, thought Bob. Nabiki's character hasn't
slipped yet.
---

     Nabiki, catching herself (The date's not over yet,
girl! Don't ruin this!)
, immediately said, "Er...I mean, WOW! SUGOI! KAKUII!"
     Takezo recovered from his initial disappointment,
continued like he didn't notice Nabiki's first comment, and
scratched his head sheepishly and said, "You think so?"
     "Yup!"

---
     Oh, boy, thought Bob. This is the part where Nabiki
sucks him dry.
---

     "I love this dress!"
     "Um, I can buy it for you..."
     "Really? No, that's too much..."
     "No, I insist..."

---
     Sucker, thought Bob.
---

     "Wow! I'd love to have a bracelet like that!"
     "Would you really?" I can still afford it, thought
Takezo, but that'll mean no lunch for a month..."I...can get
it for you..."
     "Really? Oh no, that's really to much for me to ask..."
     "No, I insist..."

---
     Hoo boy, thought Bob. Classic Nabiki tactics. Maybe
this is what they had in mind when they invented the phrase
'highway robbery'...
---

     "It''s okay," said Takezo. "Buy as much as you want! My
family is VERY RICH, after all, our assets are a mere 3
trillion yen..."

---
     "AAAARGH! You can't possibly use this! This is banal!
This is total crap! Above all, this is totally convenient
for your character, and that makes it flagrant self-
glorification!"
     "No! I'm keeping it in!"
     This calls for a different tactic, thought Bob. "Oh,
come now," he said, "you mean you want your character to win
Nabiki over through sheer virtue of wealth? What kind of
victory is that? An empty one, I tell you. You won't feel
satisfied if your character wins he over this way!"
     "Hmmm......You're right!", said Takezo. "It's a hollow
victory!" And with that, he removed the offending line, and
started off on a different tack.
     Bob thought of the words of a very intelligently-
depicted (which basically makes him a rarity in the
sometimes bigoted medium of anime) Afro-American character
which seemed very appropriate at that moment, "Heheh, he
sure is easy to manipulate."
---

     At the end of the day...
     "That was a wonderful date, Takezo. I really enjoyed
myself. Thank you."
     "I'm glad, Nabiki. Um, Nabiki...*blush*"
     "Yes?"
     "Um...I was wondering, when...when we could go out
together again."
     "I'm sorry," said Nabiki unflinchingly, coldly, almost
mechanically, the way she had said to countless other
suitors before, "...but I don't think we should see each
other again."
     "Why?! What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me?"
     Funny, thought Nabiki with grim amusement (or is it
bemusement?), no one's ever asked me that. "Nothing,
really...It's just that I'm still young," she improvised,
"and I don't want to be tied down."
     "Oh. I see. It's true then."
     "What's true?"
     "You only make the guys who like you to spend money for
you. It's true."
     That's the answer I usually get, Nabiki thought. But,
it seems different this time. Almost.....threatening. No,
that's not the word. It seems...it feels like...a challenge.
     "I was going to prove them all wrong," continued
Takezo. "Heh. What a complete and utter fool I was."
     Nabiki was trying to ignore this speech long enough to
put in action the final part of the scam. "By the way..."
     "Yes?"
     "I really liked your letter to me. I liked it so much,
in fact, that..."
     "That?"
     "That I made copies of it. I can't wait to show them
off to everyone! Unless...you'd care to buy them from me."

---
     "God, she's so evil!" exclaimed Bob. "I like that!"
     "Mmm..." was all Takezo could say.
     "So, this is the part where poor Takezo parts with the
rest of his money, right?"
     "Um..."
---

     Takezo simply looked at Nabiki blankly. Then, for a
split second, he cracked a slight smile, which he quickly
suppressed.
     What is he thinking? wondered Nabiki. He can't be
thinking of attacking me out here in broad
daylight...basides, he doesn't seem like the type. So
what...
     Takezo interrupted her thoughts. "I'm glad you liked
it," he said, his voice totally even. "I'm sure your friends
will like the letter as much as you did."
     Nabiki's eyes widened (for a split second), expressing
an emotion she was not accustomed to, or even felt
often...complete astonishment. He's....he's good!, she
thought. But she quickly recovered, and replied, "I'm sure
they will."
     A gust of wind blew past the two, unnoticed.

---
     "Oh. My. God.", was all Bob could say. "It seems
totally out of character for Nabiki," he said after
regaining coherent thought, "but it makes complete sense."
     "You like it?", asked Takezo as he beamed proudly.
     "It's...It's so blatantly self-glorifying, and in spite
of that...no, BECAUSE of that, it leaves me speechless.
Kinda makes me wanna puke and shake your hand at the same
time."
     "I'll take that as a complement. So," continued Takezo,
"you think the FFML guys'll like it?"
     "Not if they can't stand GSIF's. And not if they're
GSIF writers with a thing for Nabiki. They'll nitpick your
work so much that, if you follow everything they say, you'll
end up writing THEIR story."
     "I really don't care anymore. I'm posting it."
     "Suit yourself."


Epilogue:

     In a conference room undefined by physical dimensions,
and possible only through the magic of technology, the Holy
Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo were holding an emergency meeting
to discuss a plan of action against the blasphemous fanfic,
'Turning Road'.
     "This meeting of the Holy Crusaders shall now come to
order. What shall our course of action be against that
heretic, Takezo Musashi?"
     "But, High Commander, what about the scheduled showing
of images of our goddess..."
     "Much as it is important, it must wait. Do I hear any
suggestions?"
     "A flame war, milord?"
     "Already considered, and has already been set into
motion. However, a mere flame war is too good for that
heretic. We must find a way to punish the scoundrel far
beyond the standard measures. His blasphemy goes far beyond
those innocent ramblings of those who would win the hand of
our goddess in their fevered imaginations though combat, or
vulgar displays of sheer power. We know that they are merely
delusionary, as if our goddess would fawn over ordinary
displays of...it is a colloquial term. I would avoid using
it if there were any analogue in...no matter. Over ordinary
displays of machismo.
     "But no," the High Commander continued,
"this.....heretic....would attempt to prevail over our
goddess at her own game...psychological warfare! His sin
approaches that of the Creator Takahashi's greatest mistake
and most evil creation. The devil himself...Kasha-Oh
Kinnosuke! And for this, he must pay!"
     "An e-mail bomb, Lord High Commander?", suggested one
Knight.
     "No, too simple, and too...mundane. We need a more
fitting punishment for our dear Takezo Musashi."
     "Milord," said one Initiate, "forgive me for speaking
out of turn, as I am a mere Initiate, but I believe I have
the proper method of getting back at the heretic."
     Amid cries of protest at the breach of ettiquette, the
High Commander replied, "Very well, Initiate, but if your
suggestion is not good, your Knight-in-command must punish
you for speaking out of turn."
     "My Liege, I am quite confident that my suggestion is
impeccable, else I would not have broken the rules so
flagrantly. It is a new invention of mine. I call it...The
Retaliation Fanfic."
     "Interesting. Please enlighten us on how it works."

IN PART 3: The Retaliation Fanfic! What insidious method of
punishment is this? Will Takezo weather this new trial? What
will the response of those non-Crusaders on the FFML be?
Will the FFML ever be the same? Will anyone get all the in-
jokes? Will I finally tire of this fanfic? Probably not...

     Someone called this fanfic a 'twice-baited trap'. I
agree. I'm almost afraid that people will read this not for
the story, but to wait until I slip up and fall into the
'self-gratifying' trap. Well, I hope that's not going to
happen...besides, the purpose of this entire project was to
entertain...and to poke fun at all GSIF writers (just
harmless fun, guys. You know who you are...or then again,
maybe not. Otherwise, I'd have gotten a reaction by now.)
     Oh yeah, I'm not recommending for anyone to actually
write a 'Retaliation Fanfic' against another person. No
matter how bad a fanfic (or its writer) may be, it's
generally bad taste to tamper with another's fanfic without
prior consent (although it WOULD be entertaining for us
dispassionate third-party observers - hint hint).

     And the scorecard:
     Pink-haired waitress: 5 pts.
     Girl with sax: 10 pts.
     'Shabon Spray': 5 pts.
     'Divine Retribution': 5 pts.
     'Cyclone Blade': 50 pts!!!
     Hammerspace: 10 pts.
     "Sure is easy to manipulate": 10 pts.
     Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke: 10 pts.

     Any C&C (and guesses for the in-jokes) would be greatly
apprecitated. I crave C&C like I crave for wasabi-flavored
potato chips (no, really, they're quite good).

     So, 'till Part Three, Sayonara!

     TimeRunner, January 11, 1997
     BONUS: "Kimi ni, zutto soban ittehoshi!" - 10 pts

-----

        It surprised me to find out that some this didn't
register to some people as satire.
        People, people, I said satire, okay. That's
different from all-out parody or spoofing. It retains the
flavor of the original genre (somehow) but there is an edge
to it.
        Anyway, onto Part 3...
        Also, my apologies to the Church of Nabiki. Think of
the Crusaders as a rogue faction.

Gratuitous Self - Part 3 Retaliation


     Takezo was feeling good today.
     Some people had written to tell him about how they felt
about his fanfic, 'Turning Road'. Aside from pointing out a
few typos here and there, the response was...pretty good.
     That is, if you discount the 100 or so flame messages.
     So, then, why WAS Takezo feeling good?

     "You know," Bob had told Takezo the day after he had
posted part 2 (which was a little more than a week ago),
"These people are just jealous."
     "Yeah?", said Takezo, looking up from  the homemade
okonomiyaki he and Bob made which he was now finishing off.
"What makes you say that, and not, 'These people hate
gratuitous self-insertion fics?'"
     "I KNOW these people," answered Bob. "They write self-
insertion fics themselves. I think they're all from a group
called, 'The Holy Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo' or something
like that."
     "And?", Takezo asked between gulps of water (which he
needed to cool down that lump of wasabi that didn't quite
spread on the okonomiyaki right)
     "And.....your fanfic was...um...for lack of a better
word, blasphemous to their order."
     "Yeah? So THAT'S why one of them called me the 'Salman
Rushdie' of Fanficdom."
     "Don't let it get to you..."
     "I know that. I expected this kind of reaction. It IS,
after all, a self-insertion fic."
     "No, I meant...Look at it this way. NONE of the self-
insertion bashers have written a flame about your fic. Sure,
they're not saying anything GOOD about it, either, but hey,
no gnus is good gnus."
     "You mean, they liked it?"
     "No. I mean they tolerate it. And that's for those guys
who HATE GSIF's. Think about those who don't."
     "Yeah, I know what you mean. A lot of good comments
sandwiched between those flames."
     "Well, then, keep it up, then." And with that, Bob
finished the last of the okonomiyaki.
     "Hey, no fair! I was saving the part with the shrimp
for last!"
     "Tough."

     And so, Takezo was actually looking forward to checking
his e-mail.
     "Hmm, let's see now..." He peered into the view message
window of his mail reader. "'Blasphemous scum'..." He
pressed his delete key, which resounded with a satisfying
*paku*. "'You are hereby marked as the Lesser Akuma'...Hmm,
who's the Greater Akuma? Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke?" *paku*
     Some of Takezo's friends were at his house for an anime
marathon, and were silently watching this blonde guy chasing
after a glowing bird and shouting, "Marie!" He could hear
sniffles from the background. Ignoring this (he had watched
the video several times already), he continued reading.
     "Oh, what's this? 'I liked the way you wove together
established fact and your own fiction...' Domo." He moved
that message to his C&C folder.
     "'Could you give a larger part of the story to that
kawaii pink-haired waitress! I loved her!' Rabid fanboy..."
*paku*
     "'Who's the girl who shouted 'Divine Retribution'?'
Newbie." *paku*
     "'The Goddess will punish you for such heresy...'
Suuuuuure." *paku*
     "'Heretic.'" *paku* "'Filibuster'. Filibuster? Huh?"
*paku*
     "'Love the way Nabiki doesn't break character.' Me too,
pal. Another one for the C&C folder."
     "Oh, look, a fanfic. 'Senshi Muyou'. Hmm." -click-
Moved to 'Fanfics'.
     "'Stop putting in those damned obscure in-jokes! I
didn't get a single one! You're ruining it for me!' No way,
man. That's like asking me to stop breathing." Apparently,
Takezo had grown a taste for in-jokes. *paku*
     "'How dare you....'" He instinctively reached for the
delete key, but read on anyway..."'...make such a well-
written yet so flagrantly self-gratifying fanfic! I was torn
between deleting and reading the damn thing!'" Takezo raised
his eyebrows. "Sorta like wanting to 'puke and shake my hand
at the same time', huh?"
-click- Moved to C&C.
     "Another fanfic...'Tuxedo Kamen Rider'. Weird." -click-
     "Fanfic...Kikkoman Blade. What's this? A armored cooks
anime?" -click-
     "'You are hereby excommunicated by the Holy Crusaders.'
Notice the look of total concern and worry lacking from my
face." *paku*
     "Fanfic...'Samurai Shogirls'. Must be a lemon." -click-
     "A DBZ Fanfic starring Goku (Kakarotto), Gohan,
Tenshinhan, Vegita, Broly, Piccolo...all of a sudden, I feel
hungry." -click-
     "Hey! This guy got all the in-jokes! He's THE man! I
kneel in respect to...eh? Oh, great, it's just Bob. Whatta
joker." After some thought, he decided to place the message
in the Miscellaneous folder.
     He selected the next message and...
     "NANI YO?!"
---

     Turning Road Part 3: Defending the Faith
     By Kojiro Sasaki

---
     "WHO IS THIS JERK?!", Takezo fumed. "AND HOW DARE HE
USE MY FANFIC!"

---

     Kojiro was not expecting his first day at Furinkan High
to have much incident.....but then, this WAS Nerima. Already
he had run into a red-haired pig-tailed girl (kinda cute, he
thought) chasing down an shriveled old man lugging a huge
bag full of gym shorts, the ukelele-playing Hawaiian(?)
principal, and a rather cute-looking spatula-wielding girl
being chased by a vending machine, of all things, so this
incident occuring in front of him did not come as much of a
surprise, since successive shocks have a decreasing effect.

---
     Hmph, thought Takezo. I could have come up with those
references.
---

     They were fighting. Not physically, mind you, they were
simply exchanging words. But the way these two were verbally
fencing (and so subtly, too, he thought. You can hardly tell
that they're directly disagreeing with each other, although
the hostility was apparent) was possibly as engaging as your
usual Musabetsu Kakuto (Anything Goes Martial Arts Style)
fight in the school courtyard.

---

     Musabetsu Kakuto? thought Takezo. I didn't know that...
---

     "Good morning, Takezo." Nabiki was cool, composed,
didn't miss a step while greeting the man who had every
right to be mad at her.
     "Well. Good morning, Nabiki. I see your conscience let
you sleep well last night." Cold. That was the word to
describe the way Takezo responded.

---
     HE'S MAKING ME ARGUE WITH NABIKI?! He's making me argue
with Nabiki. I see. Takezo was...well, he didn't really know
how he felt about this. It was all conflicting inside his
head.
---

     "Yes, it did, didn't it." If Nabiki was lying, she
showed no outward signs of it. "By the way, my friends just
LOVED your letter."
     "I'm glad to hear it. Say, I was wondering...How much
do people pay for your friendship?"

---
     Ow, I'm so cold! thought Takezo. I can't believe I'm
being so blunt with Nabiki. This...it's incredible...
---

     Nabiki grinned sardonically, which was never a good
sign. "It depends. Friends get in for free."
     "Makes sense. I mean, it shows how many friends you
have."
     "Meaning?"
     "The people who don't owe you anything."

---
     Takezo could do nothing but continue reading...and
flinch.
---

     "Anyway, the whole school's talking about the sweet and
literate way you write. Talk about having too much time on
your hands." Nabiki folded her arms, as if to say 'beat
that'.
     "Yes, well, unlike yourself, I don't have any loan-
sharking operations to take care of.
     "Is that so?", said Nabiki flatly. "By the way, like
the way you use flowery language. You almost can't tell it
was stolen material."
     "Stolen material? Is that what you call your 'earnings'
these days?"

---
     For five minutes, Takezo cringed like his fists and jaw
were never going to unclench again, and not because of
anger.
---

     The short-haired girl and the guy were going at it like
rabid dogs with telekinesis. Every so often, noticed Kojiro,
one of them would give the other the 'dagger look', usually
when the other's back is turned. This was the only sign that
those rapier-sharp words were drawing blood.
     Kojiro looked...no, actually, he stared at the short
haired girl...Nabiki, if he heard correctly. She was
amazing. Not just the looks, although that was amazing in
itself. Her entire manner was so cool that even as she
blurred in his vision (that's what you get for not
blinking), he still watched her, he could still tell it was
her somehow, by the way she moved, by her air...

---
     God, listen to this guy, thought Takezo. He's even more
smitten than me! Although he's got a point...
---

     Masanori passed by Nabiki and Takezo, trying not to
draw Nabiki's attention for fear of further extortion.
Takezo called him, asking, "Hey, Masanori, have you seen
Takeshi around?"
     "Um...The last time I saw him, he was chasing this
little kid with a Goku-like hairdo around with a bokken."

---
     Now THERE'S an obscure reference if I ever saw one,
thought Takezo. He's pretty good at this, after all.
---

     After Masanori had left, Nabiki noticed the guy
standing in front of them. She got this wicked gleam in her
eye that passed quickly. We'll see how tough you really are,
Takezo, she thought.
     She smiled at the boy and said, "Oh hi! Are you a new
student? What's your name?" She showed just enough interest
in him to fluster him...and infuriate Takezo, she thought.
     The boy could do nothing but stammer for a few moments,
then said, "Um...y-yes. I'm...Kojiro."
     "Kojiro? What a nice name! I'm Nabiki! Please to meet
you!" At which she took his hand and shook it.
     Nabiki thought she saw a fleeting hint of displeasure
in Takezo's eyes as Kojiro embarassedly held Nabiki's hand,
which Takezo immediately covered up. She got this strange
pleasure from making him squirm.

---
     "Errrrrrrrg! Arrrg! Grrraaah!"
     Takezo had lost all coherent thought, although not all
because of anger.
---

     "Really?", said Nabiki happily, "That's my class! We'll
be classmates then!"
     "I..I'm glad..." Kojiro was not the epitome of engaging
conversation just now.
     "Isn't that great, Takezo?", said Nabiki, with what
Takezo grudgingly admitted to himself was just the right
mixture of enthusiasm and edge.
     Damn it! thought Takezo. She's got the upper hand now.
Damn me for revealing my weakness for her!
     This line of thought did not show on Takezo's face.
Instead, he said, with matching enthusiasm and a touch of
sarcasm, "Really?  That'd be great!"

---
     Takezo blinked, his face blank. He quietly turned away
from the screen for a moment, then looked back, moved the
fanfic over to his ''Fanfic' folder, and went over to Bob's
place.

     The Grand Hall of the Goddess was packed. Everyone was
talking about the Initiate's ambitious crusade against the
heretic, Takezo Musashi.
     "Sire," Kojiro reported to the High Commander,
"Project: Retaliation Fic is a success."
     "Yes, I particularly liked the way you made our goddess
hostile against the heretic, as well as your humility in the
presence of the goddess. For this great accomplishment, I
grant you that which you desire...Knighthood!"
     The Hall was in an uproar. The older Knights were
protesting the breach of policy, while the Initiates
(particularly Kojiro's batch) applauded.
     "Silence!", commanded the High Commander. "I am not yet
finished. Never has there been a greater threat to us. Never
has the Mailing List been so united in endorsing a heretic.
"Therefore, I call a Crusade! A Crusade against the
heretic!" He raised his hand to prevent another outburst
from the gathering. "And I name Kojiro Sasaki...Lord
Crusader!"
     Not even the High Commander's calls for order could
stop the uproar that rose from that statement. Amid the
congratulations and the applause and the protests, Lord
Crusader Kojiro Sasaki smiled to himself in satisfaction.
     You're mine, Takezo.....


     "YOU'RE WHAT?!" Bob was incredulous.
     "Yeah, you heard right."
     "BUT...BUT...BUT...Someone else wrote it! An upstart in
the Crusaders, yet!"
     "Which makes it so ironic that I am not refuting
Kojiro's part 3. In fact, I'm writing Part 4 following it,
and not part 3."
     "But...you didn't write it!"
     "I know, and I could never write something like that.
Well, not before, anyway. I want you to read it again.
Well."
     "It...it...it...." Silence. Then..."You're right. This
is not half-bad!"
     "See? It's even better than what I had in mind,
although I always cringe when I read it."
     "What DID you have in mind?"
     "Um...Nabiki and I'd make up, and we'd..."
     "Nevermind. Keep Kojiro's Part 3."

Part 4: The Challenge is Accepted! Who will prevail? Who
writes a better story? Will the FFML stand the stress of all
the letters? Will somebody finally get all the references?

     And here's part three. I hope you guys like it. I would
appreciate C&C, not just for my fanfic, but for Takezo's and
Kojiro's fics, too. (Source material, you see.) Also, your
guesses for the references. Will someone guess them all,
please? (Not you, Scriviner...although you could try.)

Here it is, people, the Scorecard (pretty tough this time):
Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke (Hold-over question from last time): 10
pts. Guy chasing bird and crying, "MARIE!": 20 pts. Gettiing
hungry after reading DBZ names: 20 pts. The Name 'Kojiro
Sasaki': 20 pts. His relation with Takezo: 20 pts. Takeshi
chasing little kid with a bokken: 50 pts.!!!

I deign to give scores for the red-head, old man,  ukelele
man, spatula girl, vending machine references. Oh, okay,
fine. One point each.

Until Part 4 then.

Timerunner 1/16/97

------- So, what DOES make the retaliation fic different
from the revengefic? One thing stands out.

Writing in the author's continuity without his express
consent, masquerading as part of the story.

Obviously, this has the potential of being much more
offensive to the writer in question. So...Don't do this to
just anyone, and even then b very careful you don't start a
war, like these two guys did.

Okay. Part 4!

Gratuitous Self Part 4: The FFML At War



     Takezo decided to check his mail for new messages
before posting his...revenge on the FFML.
     "Hey," he said to himself. "The flame mail seems to
have abated. Heh, it's probably because they think they've
landed the coup d'grace on me with that 'Retaliation Fic'.
Little do they know..."
     "Hmm....'Area 8801, TTS Airbats'. What is this, a
crossover?"
     "'Don't just sit there, do something about this
Retaliation Fic business!' I am, I am, okay?"
     "'Magical Knight Reigun'. Huh?"
     "'I loved your work on part 3...' I didn't DO part
three, okay?"
     "'The Goddess will...' *sigh*" *paku*
     By this point, Takezo had already developed a reflex
against such flame messages, which enabled him to press the
'delete' button without even thinking. Still, he couldn't
help but repress a sigh...
     "'Area 88th Man After.' Huh? Is Area 88 experiencing a
resurgence of popularity?"
     "Short Green Tea.'" After deciding that 'yaoi' just
wasn't his bag of tea, and struggling with his conscience,
he decided NOT to flame the author, because it appeared
other people seemed to like it, and he figured everybody was
entitled to his or her own opinion.
     "'That's 1/2 My Goddess, Part 6.' FINALLY!" Takezo
decided to take break to read the 'fic for a while.
     Afterwards, he sent a very nasty letter to the
Scriviner concerning the cliffhanger end to the  'fic,
knowing that it'd be several weeks before the Scriviner'd
get around to writing the next part.
     "'I have deleted the mailing list. You have 48 hours to
resub.'" Quickly, Takezo checked the date of posting, looked
at his watch, looked in Control Panel to find the difference
in timezones, did some quick calculations in his head, and
decided it wasn't worth the trouble and immediately resubbed
anyway.
     "The Goddess..." Takezo immediately deleted that
particular piece of mail, which was really too bad, since it
was this really cool spoof of a song by 'The Goddess Family
Club'; consequently, he was in the dark several hours later
when everyone was raving about it.
     "'Confessions of a Full-time Moocher'. Oh, look, a
story about Kinnosuke."
     "'Read this, it's really funny.....blahblabblah, a man
who didn't pass on this letter fell in cursed spring months
later, this is no joke....AAAARGH! DAMN CHAIN LETTERS!!!"
     Having finally sifted though his entire mailbox for the
day, he immediately posted his 'revenge', and left for
class, thinking little of it for the rest of the day.


     For some other people, however, it was an entirely
different matter.

     "How goes the campaign against the heretic, Takezo
Musashi?"
     "The reactions on the mailing list have been mixed,
High Commander," Kojiro said to his liege, as well as a
packed Grand Hall of the Goddess. The ranks of the Holy
Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo were swelling with new Initiates,
who were joining because of the fervor stirred up by the
Heretic Crusade. Consequently, the server hosting KowaiMUCK
(for that was what the Hall of the Goddess was, a room in
KowaiMUCK) was groaning under the strain, or rather, it
would be, if it were only made of wood. Or if it were a
person. Or a mule. Whatever.
     "How so?"
     "Some lauded our efforts in smiting the heretic. In
which thereafter I invited them to join the Crusaders, an
invitation which they heartily accepted." This drew a
smattering of applause from the largely Initiate audience,
which died under the ' : disapprovingly glares at you' poses
of the veteran Knights.
     "And I congratulate you, in aiding the cause by
recruiting more willing souls to our cause. However, you did
mention something about mixed reaction...?"
     "Yes, my liege. Others have declared outrage concerning
our tactics."
     "No matter. There will always those sentimental fools
in war who cry foul at what we call mere superior tactics.
And what of the heretic himself?"
     "Sire, he has not posted since..."
     "SIRE!"
     Both the High Commander and Lord Crusader Kojiro Sasaki
turned to look at the rude interruption with disgust. The
rest of the assembly emitted a gasp at the blatant breach of
etiquette.
     The Initiate, noticing all the eyes on him, immediately
started stammering while typing. This seems strange, until
one realizes that if one's fingers are shaking while typing,
one's output would most probably look like this...

     "SSSorry, miilord, buut I havve immporttannt newws forr
thhe asssembly."
     "Well?" said Kojiro. "Out with it, before I impeach you
for interrupting me."
     "YYes, miilord! I amm on tthe FFFML riight noww,
miilord,, and I jjust reccieved a lettter fromm thhe
herretic!!"
     The High Commander simply smiled.
     Kojiro, however, was all impatience. "What does it say?
Tell us!"
     "I can''t miilord! I can''t briing myselff to uttter
suchh blassphemy!"
     "He has a point, Lord Crusader," said the High
Commander. "Methinks we should see this for ourselves."
     Kojiro nodded, and opened his mail reader program in
another window. He was totally unaware of the collective
gasp taking place in his MUD Client, as he was caught up in
his own...
---

     "Turning Road, Part 4"
     By Takezo Musashi

---
     Part four?! PART FOUR?! thought Kojiro in a blind fury.
He dares to play MY GAME?!
---

     In class, Nabiki and Takezo sat one chair apart from
each other, which was, strangely enough, now occupied by
Kojiro. They were both now speaking to Kojiro, although not
each other, which made for a pretty confused new transfer
student.

---
     And he uses MY CONTINUITY!? What.....what utter gall!
     Somewhere, in the nether reaches of probability, an
omnipotent being, known as The Reader, chuckled to himself
because of the complete irony of it all.
---

     "So, Kojiro, where you from?" Nabiki asked in that
voice that set Takezo's teeth on edge.
     "Oh...um, me? I'm an exchange student..."

---
     NOOOO! He's degrading me into the gratuitous self-
insertion cliche rut! He's...this...what....I....
     Losing all ability for coherent speech, Kojiro
nonetheless continued reading...like a deer caught in the
headlights of an 18-wheeler...
---

     "Oh, that's really interesting..."
     Oh, that's really interesting, thought Takezo in a
mocking tone of...er...thought. What's she being nice to
this guy for, anyway?
     But, oblivious to the 'look that kills' from Takezo,
Kojiro was in seventh heaven.
     "I-I-I..."

     Later, after classes, Nabiki, Takezo and Kojiro were
enjoying their okonomiyakis at 'Ucchan's'.

     "Here you go..." said Ukyou, handing okonomiyakis to
the three, as well as a very familiar looking dishelved-
haired guy in a green shirt, who said, "Wow, great!" The guy
started to eat, but then his okonomiyaki disappeared in a
blur. Ukyou ran out shouting, 'Stop thief!'

     Oblivious to all this, Kojiro was certainly enjoying
himself. Here he was, first day in Nerima and already he had
this pretty girl talking to him, smiling at him...
     "Oh!" said Nabiki as she noticed Kojiro's bandaged
hand. "Where'd you get these?"
     "I'm....I'm...I'm a martial artist. Those bruises are
from my sensei. He'd always hit my hand with a bokken if he
thought I wasn't trying hard enough."
     "Awww...." said Nabiki. "Poor Kojiro...." And with
that, she took his hand and held in in both of hers, rubbing
the bruises...
     Kojiro's free hand fumbled for tissue to wipe his
bleeding nose.

     Somewhere on the hot plate, Kojiro's poor burning
okonomiyaki lay, forgotten....

---- Oh my god I'm so pathetic what I'm making a fool out of
myself in front of our goddess my god this can't be
happening hey look it's a 'So Many Memories' reference my
god please tell me I'm dreaming my god...
---

     Actually, 'enjoying' was a loose term, because Takezo
was NOT having a good time. He did not show this, though,
and instead started complimenting Ukyou, who had returned
from outside empty-handed and had started to cook another
for the guy in the green shirt, who looked very familiar to
Takezo. "This stuff is great! You're a great cook, Ukyou-
san!"
     Ukyou scratched the back of her head and grinned
sheepishly. "Heheh. Thanks. I never get tired of hearing
that."
     "Well, I'm telling it to you again. You're a great
cook!"

     'Enjoying' DID apply to Nabiki though, as she watched
Takezo's 'feeble attempts' at hiding his jealousy. Look at
him, she thought. Trying to change the topic by talking to
Ukyou...
     "No, I really think you'd make a good wife."
     EH?!
     Ukyou blushed slightly at Takezo's remark.
     "Huh? Oh, no! I meant you'd make a good wife for
Ranma!"
     "Oh. OH. Okay."
     Nabiki emitted what she thought was an inaudible grunt
of displeasure.

--- Blasphemy! Oh blasphemy! She'd never be jealous of
anybody! Never! Wait! I know! She's simply annoyed that her
techniques don't seem to be working all that well on Takezo!
Yeah! That's it!

Actually, Kojiro was correct to a certain extent.
---

     Takezo stole a glance at Nabiki, and saw her cool
exterior drop for a moment...He heard her grunt...What's
wrong with her, he thought. What did I do this time? I...
     For a moment he stared in surprise. No, he thought.
It...it can't be! It just can't be! But the look on her
face! Can this be true?
     Takezo's mouth curled into a sinister grin. Which he
stifled by stuffing it with some okonomiyaki. "I'll say it
again! This is great!"

--- No! He can't be doing this! He can't! He just can't!!!
---

     This calls for some serious action, thought Nabiki as
she continued talking and smiling at Kojiro. "Um, Kojiro..."
     "Ye..yes?
     "Don't you have something to ask me?"
     "I...Actually, I do..."

     It was now Takezo's turn to grunt, which he did through
a smile at Ukyou.
     "Yes, Kojiro? What is it?", said Nabiki in that
sickeningly sweet voice.
     "Would you....um....would you like to go out on a date
with me?"
     "I'd love to! I'm happy to know that you like me too!"
     I've heard that line before, thought Takezo..."You hear
that, Ukyou?"
     "Uh-huh. So?"
     "That's great! That means we can....DOUBLE DATE!"

     Nabiki looked at Takezo in shock, which did not show on
her face. "Double date?"
     Ukyou also looked at Takezo, although her look was
questioning. Takezo turned to her, which meant he'd turned
his back to Nabiki. He winked at her and mouthed the words
'I'll explain later say yes already'.
     "Yes!" said Ukyou. "I'd love to go out with you!"

--- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
---

     A while later, after Kojiro and Nabiki had gone, Ukyou
confronted Takezo. "Alright, mister, what's this about a
double date?"
     "Call me Takezo."
     "Alright, Takezo. You have some explaining to do."
     "Okay, listen here, Ukyou....may I call you Ukyou?"
     "Go on."
     "Ukyou, I'm taking you out on a date 'cause..."
     "You realize that I have a fiance."
     Takezo blinked at the interruption. "Yes....Anyway, I
asked you out because..."
     "Because you want to keep an eye on those two, yeah, I
know. I've heard of your date with Ms. Moneybags. What's in
it for me?"
     "What do you want?"
     "Hmm..." Ukyou held her chin and started thinking..."I
know. You can wash my dishes and help me clean up this place
for the next two weeks."
     "No prob. It's a deal." Takezo and Ukyou shook hands.
"Wait a sec. Don't you have that ninja-girl to do your
dishes?"
     "He's a guy, okay?"
     "A guy? Could've fooled me. Where is he by the way?"
     "He's gone on vacation in Hokkaido."
     "Hokkaido? How could he afford to go to Hokkaido? I
hear you don't pay him much. If at all."
     "Simple. He just up and walked."

---
     Back in the Hall of the Goddess, the Crusaders'
Assembly was in total chaos. Several Initiates (and quite a
number of the Knights, as well) had taken into spouting
gibberish into the dying server. The elder Knights attempted
to restore order by 'sweeping' some of the more panicky
Initiates from the Hall, to no avail, since they kept coming
back to spout more gibberish.
     The Lord High Commander simply kept silent, and grimly
continued on reading, thinking up fitting ways to punish the
errant Knight, Kojiro Sasaki.

     Somewhere in the heart of madness, Kojiro Sasaki could
not help but repress a sneeze as he continued reading the
fourth part of 'Turning Road'...
---

     "Okay then, Ukyou. It's a deal!"

     And with that, the date was set. Takezo bid Ukyou
farewell and started off on the long walk to his all-boy
dormitory, slinging his bag over his shoulder.
     Heheh, I couldn't have planned it better myself, though
Takezo. This way, I get revenge on Nabiki, AND I get to go
on a date with that kawaii Ucchan!

     Since Takezo didn't have any moustaches to twirl, he
simply smiled to himself, and sung a song that, oddly
enough, had just popped into his head as he saw his dorm in
the distance.
     "WE ARE THE NO-BRAND HEROES!!!"

---
     Kojiro was abruptly shaken out of his stupor by this
reference. "Wh-wha....He's good!"
---

     "Oi, Takezo!"
     "Hey, Mitsuru! What's up!"
     "Your replacement roommate just got here."
     Takezo blinked. "Why? What happened to the old one that
was supposed to get here yesterday?"
     "Apparently, he had some sort of accident involving
some guy with a katana."
     "Oh." Takezo suddenly breathed in, in realization.
"Oh......boy......"
     "Anyway, the new one's waiting up in your room."
     "Thanks."

     Takezo hurried up the stairs and threw the door open to
find....

---
     "Me," said Kojiro.
---

     ...Kojiro Sasaki.
     "Na...NANI?!"
     "Oh, hi, Takezo! You're my roommate?"

---
     Kojiro quietly saved the file, shut off his mail
reader, and went to the Hall to face the music...
     A few days later, Takezo got the following message...

--- Takezo:



I may come across to you as bitter about this entire fiasco,
having resigned my post as Lord Crusader.

I am.

I must admit, though, that you handled the situation
perfectly, and I know that I have been bested by a better
man. Therefore, I extend my congratulations to you.

However, our business is not finished. If you think for a
moment that this temporary setback will keep me down for
long, you are sorely mistaken.


Until Part 5, then.

The Honorable Kojiro Sasaki
---

     "Hmph," thought Takezo. "I'll be waiting."

---

     "What do you mean, 'You'll be waiting'? Have you gone
completely bonkers, Takezo?"
     "Bob," said Takezo, "I know what I'm doing."
     "Uh-huh. Sure. What about that time when someone gave
you your first negative C&C, huh? Remember how you felt what
someone told you he didn't like pseudo-otaku fics? Remember?
You totally lost it for a few days."
     "Well, the fact that it's still my ONLY negative C&C to
this day might be a factor..."
     "ONLY?? Hah! 'Feh comes to mind, and feh isn't even a
word!' Remember that?"
     "But..."
     " ''The whole damn fanfic's out of character!' "
     "Okay, okay, you've made your point!"


---
     "I think," said the High Commander to the disgraced
Crusader after the crowds in the Hall melted away, "That it
is time for me to take matters into my own hands. Do you
think he would appreciate me giving him...C&C?"
     The figure of the fallen leader was silent.

     Somewhere, someone was staring into his monitor,
laughing...


     Somewhere, another church was forming a crusade against
the heretic....
     "Gentlemen, it has come to our attention that a
blasphemous document has been written involving our Goddess
of Spatulas...."


PART 5: Don't let this C&C throw you out of whack, Takezo!
Get to it! What do you mean you've lost the will to write?
You have to carry on! And what's this about ANOTHER Crusade?



     Actually, this would have been out sooner if I hadn't
pulled a 'Skuld' on my PC and turned it off without saving.
But anyway, here it is, totally revised and totally
different from its previous incarnation (which lasted all of
10 minutes).
     As usual, C&C is welcome. However, any and all C&C that
reads all of 'This Sucks' will be completely ignored. If you
want to bash me, fine. Just be specific.

     What installment of Gratuitous Self would be complete
without...

     The Scorecard:
     'Short Green Tea' - a hearty 10 pts to all those who've
actually been paying attention to the FFML these days.
     'That's 1/2 My Goddess' - no pts, really. This
advertisment was paid for (or will be paid for) by the
Scriviner.
     'DAMN CHAIN LETTERS' - also no pts, just a sympathetic
patpat to all those who've been plagued by these for the
past few weeks.
     'Reigun' - 10 pts. C'mon. This is it. Your ticket to 10
free pts.
     'KowaiMUCK' - 5 pts. Where a lot of the FFML guys hang
out...sorta.
     'familiar-looking guy in green at Ucchan's' - 15 pts.
For those of you who don't have a clue of what I'm talking
about, check out the first scene in 'Akane and Her Sisters',
then ask me if you think you know who it is.
     'ninja-girl (guy?)' - 10 pts.
     'WE ARE THE NO-BRAND HEROES!' - 20 pts!


Until Part 5 then,

TimeRunner, February 13, 1997
-----

As I read this part, I can't help but miss the first mailing
list. I know, we got 80+ messages on a slow day, received
stupid chain letters from people who didn't seem to get the
message, got test messages like crazy (Hello? This is a
test. Is this list on the fritz again?), and had to deal
with deletions of the list in order to keep down the number
of subscribers...

So, White Wolf, wherever you are, I wish you a good move (or
what's left of the move, anyhow).

Not that I mind the peace and quiet, though. And I'm on
THREE lists! So. I guess you guys'll have to wait 'til part
5, then.

Oyasumi nasai.

TimeRunner, March 18, 1997

"That's when I knew the spell was broken."
                                - Shohei

