Okay. First off. This is not your usual self-insertion 'fic,
as the name may suggest. Second. This is not a
straightforward revengefic either. This is more of a satire,
mostly of self-insertions and revengefics, but really of the
mailing lists in general. Those of you who have read the
previous parts know what I'm talking about.

With that out of the way, enjoy!
==========



Gratuitous Self Part 5: Misdirection


     "Milord."
     "Kojiro. Do you know why I summoned you here?"
     "No, milord." Actually, Kojiro thought it had something
to do with his failure to defeat the heretic Takezo Musashi
and the punishment that would be metted him, but he kept all
of this to himself in the presence of the Lord High
Commander of The Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo.
     "You are working on..." The High Commander's mouth
twisted at the...taste...of the name of the heretic document
he was about to mention. Or at least, it would, if they
weren't meeting on KowaiMUCK. Nevertheless, he continued.
"On the next part of -" a slight pause - " 'Turning Road',
are you not?"
     "Yes, milord!" Kojiro said this with some zeal, eager
for a chance to redeem himself.
     "Don't."
     Kojiro - the Kojiro behind the PC - stared at this line
of text for some time, blinking.
     Did he just say, stop? he thought.
     "Milord?" he said, uncertain.
     "Don't continue."
     He did say it.
     Kojiro's mind was searching for the reason. Was it
something I said? Was it because he won't give me another
chance? Why? Why?
     The High Commander noted this pause. "Oh, get a grip on
yourself. This is not due to anything you've done. Since."
     "Then...Why? If I may ask, milord," he added hastily.
     "Because I want HIM to write the next part." Once
again, disgust. And hesitancy to mention the heretic by
name.
     Kojiro blinked, wondering why...then realization dawned
on him. "The C&C!"
     "Precisely. His own writing shall be his downfall."

     Kojiro stared at his monitor, laughing maniacally...


     Funny, thought Takezo. The flaming seems to have died
down. Although, at the risk of sounding immodest, I'd
attribute it more to my coup-d'grace with that fourth part
of Turning Road than all those 'Please stop spamming' posts.
What are those posts for, anyway? Spam to stop spam? Kinda
like 'hair of the dog', if you ask me.
     With this thought, Takezo checked his e-mail.
     "Hey, look. TimeRunner's working on another fanfic.
'Aa! Mega-Playboy'. Cool!" <save>
     "'I'm leaving the mailing list....changed my
mind....really leaving this time....oops, my mistake...'
Make up your mind already!" *paku*
     "Switch." Takezo immediately recognized the author's
'stream of consciousness' style, and took the precaution of
taking anti-seasickness medicine. Sure enough, he needed
every milligram of the stuff and more. Afterward, he saved
it to his 'Fanfics' folder and read the next entry.
     "'I...er...um....this is my first fanfic...don't nobody
get angry...it's a story of a gaijin (I hope that's the
right term) who becomes an exchange student at Ranma's high
school, and gets into a romantic relationship with
Ukyou....'" He felt the anti-seasickness medicine completely
wear off at this.
     Five minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, still
fighting back the dry heaves. "Newbie," he managed to say.
Apparently, Takezo had 'overcome' this newbie phase of his,
and now regarded them with some disdain. He deleted the
fanfic, dismissing it as 'self-gratifying', and continued to
read his mail, particularly looking out for C&C for his own
(self-gratifying) 'fic, 'Turning Road'.
     "Good luck fighting back the 'Okonomiyaki Crusaders'.
They'll call you heretic and stuff."
     Which was...probably not very true. It's not that they
had more sense than, say, Nabiki Tendo's Crusaders. Kami
knows these people have equal shares in the common sense
market. (Which actually doesn't say much, but...) It's just
that the newbie had not committed a large enough sin to
warrant a crusade. Sure, he wrote a self-gratifying 'fic,
but when you've got several rabid otakus (or NEW otakus),
fantasizing about Ukyou in their unguarded moments, a couple
of 'fics with out-of-nowhere original characters meeting,
falling in love, marrying, and having a baby with Ukyou,
Nabiki, Ryouga, whatever, (yes, they go to that extent
sometimes) is par for the course.
     So, what made Takezo's sin so great, compared to the
newbie's fic, which was just 'A dark figure leapt out of the
shadows and caught Ukyou in mid-air, their eyes meet, they
fall in love, etc. etc. etc...'-type fanfiction? Simple. He
attempted to out-Nabiki Nabiki. He attempted to one-up
Nabiki at her own game, psychological warfare (for fun and
profit). That would be tantamount to, say, going to a family
shrine, picking up a photo of a deceased relative (of a
family you don't know), and saying, 'I was always better
than you, you stupid bastard!' in front of the mourning
family.
     See? Utter heresy. Who wouldn't be insulted?
     Probably the closest thing you could do to evoke the
same sort of response from the Okonomiyaki Crusaders would
probably be out-okonomiyaki-ing Ukyou. That'd be out-Ukyou-
ing Ukyou. This was something that the newbie had not done.
Takezo hadn't done it either. All he wrote was that 'double
date' offer to Ukyou. That was nothing. In fact, the call to
arms made by one of the O.C's (who was actually an over-
eager Initiate of the Spatula) was turned down immediately
by the Elder Council of the Hot Plate, thus averting another
Crusade on Takezo's head. They also severely punished him
for calling Alert Level 1 on such a minor case. The
punishment involved renaming the Initiate 'Pierre' and
introducing him to the rest of the penitents, namely,
Josephine, Francois, Modrianni, Charlotte, and a mecha named
'Alphonse'...

     Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yeah...

     During this entire dissertation on Heresy in Fanficdom,
Takezo was busy checking on his mail.
     "'The characterization on Nabiki was excellent.
However, you need to flesh out Kojiro...' But...he isn't
mine!"
     That last bit of C&C he received was from this mailing
list where C&C was 'required'. How they expected to enforce
this rule was beyond Takezo, but it seemed everyone was game
anyway, so...
     "'Racer X/1999'. Whoo. Funky."
     "'I find myself indentifying with Kojiro.' But he isn't
mine!"
     "Whoa! A project in the works!" He leaned forward in
anticipation, then almost facefaulted at the
title..."'Visionaries: Moonlight of the Magical Knights."
     Upon further inspection, the fanfic actually had an
interesting premise, throwing together the Sailor Senshi and
the Magical Knights in the Visionaries Universe. "'And for
your speed and overall skill at dodging and running away, as
well as your dippiness, I grant you the totem of......The
BUNNY RABBIT!"
     Wiping away tears of laughter, Takezo read the next
post.
     "'Great. Keep up the good work. Can't wait 'til #5.'
Hold your horses, it's coming."
     "'Kojiro should be given more breaks.' But he isn't
mine!" Takezo was starting to get annoyed.
     "'Maison Goku. A heartwarming story of a boarding house
and the sayajin living there.' Riiiight."
     He chuckled slightly to himself while reading a post
that had the heading "Stop posting messages on both lists!".
Which was posted on THREE.
     "'Oh! My Gundam.'" At this particular post, all Takezo
could say was...er..."Oh, my gundam."
     "'Saint Sayajin.' Talk about insane fighting levels..."
     The dry heaves nearly recurred when he came upon a
particular lemon..."*choke* A lemon *gag* starring AZAKA AND
KAMADAKI?!?!!?"
     "'Celtic Tales: Kaian Wang of the Evil Eyes.' Huh.
There's a new twist on that legend..."
     "'Kojiro has a date with Nabiki! What I wouldn't give
to be in his shoes. You've created a good character in
Kojiro.' But I'm telling you he's not MINE!!!"


     Finally, Takezo got to the one piece of C&C designed to
ruin his reputation as a fanfic writer for good:

===== Takezo:

     I love your story! I particularly love the way you
handled that situation with the Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo,
diffusing it by writing the next part AFTER Kojiro's part!
     However, I have some comments you may want to listen
to.
     You may want to add some...spice...to your fanfic.
After all, we're all big boys and girls on this mailing
list, aren't we? You know, some...intimate...scenes between
Takezo and Nabiki...or Takezo and Ukyou...or both...

     <Takezo raised an eyebrow at this. A scene came to
mind.>
-----
     Takezo lifted Nabiki's chin, looking into her face.
"You aren't such a bitch, after all. All you need is a
little...taming."
     Smiling mischievously, he brushed her hair on one side
away from her face, exposing her soft, slender neck....He
kissed her there, hands moving down to her
shoulders...making their way their way further
down...groping...probing...
     It was all Nabiki could do not to cry out. She stifled
a moan. She was not going to give him the satisfation of
know he was seducing her, that she was yielding to his
touch...
-----

     <Takezo had a funny grin on his face...He shook himself
from his daydream and forced himself to keep reading the
letter...>

     Also, this needs more emotionally involving scenes! Add
more disturbing scenes! Torture! Murder! Rape! Make your
'fic darker!

     <Wha-? Another scene...>

-----
     "Why...?" was all Nabiki could manage to say. She
clutched at the remnants of the clothes she wore, torn off
by Takezo when he...when he...
     Nabiki sobbed as she stared at Takezo, who was standing
over her, fixing his clothes.
     Takezo drew a gun from his pocket and pointed it at
Nabiki. "You should have thought of that before you ruined
my life. Farewell, Nabiki."
     A shot rang out, a scream, then...silence.
-----

     <Takezo could help but repress a shudder as he shook
off this thought to continue reading.>

     And finally...you need to flesh out Takezo. What is his
background? What country did he live in before he went to
study in Japan as an exchange student? Did he live in
America? In Australia? In Canada? You should point this out!

     <Eh? This seems...wrong.>

     You should let Takezo and Nabiki get along more! Make
them sweet! Make them show their affection more! Let them
kiss in public!

     <There's something suspicious about this.>

     And finally...make Nabiki nicer! Show that she cares so
much for Takezo that she changes! So that she doesn't pick
on Ranma and Kuno so often! So that she treats friends to
lunch! So that she gives money to charity!

     <O-ho. I see what you're playing at.>

     Anyway, do this and you're a shoo-in for fanfic of the
year!

     <Suuuure.>

     Keep up the good work!
=====

     The letter was signed, 'Templar'.

     It didn't take a genius to figure it out, but still,
Takezo wanted to make sure.


     "Templar, huh?"
     At the local Japanese restaurant near Katsu-SandoCon
(where, Takezo complained, they didn't serve any
okonomiyaki), Bob and Takezo were having lunch.
     "You know him?" asked Takezo through a mouthful of
udon.
     "Yep. He's High Commander for the Crusaders. He isn't
exactly secretive of the fact. In fact, he flaunts it."
     "I knew it," said Takezo, hammering a fist on his palm.
"I knew that piece of C&C seemed fishy."
     "You've got them on the run. They're resorting to more
subversive methods now. Usually, they'd face you in the
open, but since that didn't seem to work, they..."
     "I know, they're trying to make me slip up. Well, it's
not going to work."
     "You nearly fell for it, though," said Bob through his
bowl of osuimono.
     "Shut up."
     "You know it's true. You were going to make it a lemon,
weren't you?"
     "What's wrong with that?"
     "Well, a self-insertion lemon is a LITTLE bit over the
top, don't you think?"
     "I...well..."
     Bob looked smugly at Takezo, but Takezo wasn't giving
up so easily.
     "Well...I....Kun-chan did it once!"
     "Erk." Bob was taken by surprise by that one.
     "See?!"
     "But that was Kun-chan! That's different!"
     "How is it different?" Takezo pressed the advantage.
     "It...well...I...she..."
     Takezo chuckled. "I'm just having you on, Bob. Of
course I wasn't going to make it a lemon. That wasn't my
intention at all."
     Bob wiped sweat off his brow. "Whew. For a moment
there, you had my goat."
     "I know. Anyway, I'm writing part 5 right now."
     "And...?"
     "And won't they be surprised when they find that their
plan didn't work!"
     "Um...Takezo...There's something I'd have to tell
you..." Bob looked dead serious.
     "What? What? What is it?" Takezo was frantic.
     "Um..."
     "What?!"
     "Your udon. It's getting cold."
     <insert facefault here>

In Part 6: Part 5 of 'Turning Road' is posted! What will
everyone's reaction be? Most especially, how will the
Crusaders react to this? Stay tuned....

     It was a long time coming, but it's finally here.
     Apparently, since my title seems to be driving away my
target audience, which are those people who can appreciate
satire, I've been considering changing the series
title('Looking for Nabiki' sounds good...), but then the
irony would be lost. Tell me what you think.

     Also, my apologies to Kun-chan. (No don't! Put that
mallet away! It was a joke!)

     Scorecard:
     "Mega-playboy" - 10 pts
     "Pierre, Francois, Josephine, etc." - 5 pts
     "Visionaries" - 10 pts and a pat on the back you old
fogie.
     "Maison Goku" - 5 pts
     "Saint Sayajin" - name both series, win 10 pts.
     "Azaka and Kamadaki" - 5 pts
     "Kaian Wang of the Evil Eyes" - 5 pts for where Kaian
Wang came from, 5 pts for the name of the original fomor
(and 5 pts for all you who know what a fomor is).
     "KatsuSando-Con" - no pts for naming KatsuCon. 5 Pts
are for those who even know what a 'katsu-sando' is.
     "Udon & Osuimono" - for those who know what these are,
5 pts and a sudden craving.

Part 6 coming your way soon!

TimeRunner (Who'll probably be the next target of a
revengefic)

