*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me...die. *
He's wrong. He has to be wrong. I was right to help him. He is my father, of course I should have saved him. What kind of son would it make me if I didn't?
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me...die. *
He always told me I had to be strong. I had to stand up and face my enemies. I had to defeat them. To show them that a Luther was powerful and didn't show mercy. I have to be strong now. I have to be strong. I can't give in. I don't care what he says, I did what was right.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me ... die. *
But if he didn't want it, is it still right. Who's to say what is right and what isn't these days? But I couldn't let him die. He's my father and I can't let my father die.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I hate him. I do something for him...and he...I don't know. I tried to be a good son. Why can't I be a good son? Why can't I have a normal family. Why can't my father love and and I love him and my mother be alive.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I did it for him.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I did it for him!
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Who the hell do I think I'm kidding. I didn't do it for him. For all my dreams of having a real family, it will NEVER come true. I'm to damn selfish. I want things and I want them for myself. I wasn't thinking of my father when I saved him.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I was thinking of Clark. I was thinking of how disappointed in my Clark would be if I walked away. How I might loose him. I don't want to loose him. I've lost enough, and I hate loosing. I was thinking of what he would say when I told him that I saved my father. He knows how much I hate my father. He would have to be happy if I helped.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Mostly thought, I was thinking of him and his father. How they loved each other and helped each other. That's what real families are like. That's what I want my family to be like.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I'm lying again. I don't want my family to be like that. I know I don't stand a chance in hell. My father hates me, especially now. I don't care about my family. I've given up on them. What I really want is to be a part of Clark's family.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I saved my father because I wanted Clark's father to change his opinion of me. How about that? What kind of person does that make me.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
How could he say something so hurtful? To his own son. To ME. I don't deserve that. Doesn't he know what a decision it was to save him? Doesn't he know how much it took.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I should have. I wish I had. I wish the stupid bastard was dead, maybe then I wouldn't be driving around in circles trying to get his hateful words out of his head.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I wish he was dead. If I could do it all again, Id leave him. What does that make me? I know, it makes me a fucking monster. It makes me evil. What kind of normal person would want to kill there father? Really?
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Maybe I don't deserve the new beginning Mr. Kent seems to have given me. Maybe he was right all along. Maybe I am my father's son. A monster. Obsessed with money. Living for the joy of stamping out others, ruining their lives, never loving or being loved, not really.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I don't want to be that person. I want friends. I want family. I want to love. I want a life.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Maybe it's the Luther curse. Maybe I'm doomed forever to live my father's life. Marry to reproduce then not even cry if my life dies. Hate my child. Raise him in my image and one day, he'll wake up and discover he turned into me.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
How the hell did I get here. Of all the places to end up, I should have known Id find myself here. The light's still on, maybe Clark's in?
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I love this barn. It's Clark's barn. Clark's space. It feels like him. Conformable, relaxed, just a little rustic and, above all, warm and friendly. Why do my places never feel like this? Oh right. I'm a monster!
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Then Clark's there. At the top of the barn, looking down at me. He smiles, then the smile fades. He watched as I mount the steps silently. I come to a stop in front of him.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Why am I here? Maybe there's still time for me to go, to run. I can't be here. If I let myself be around Clark Ill only hurt him. I hurt everyone.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
He reached up and touches my cheek. Oh look, tears. I didn't even realise, I must have been to lost in thought to notice. I want to say that it's doesn't matter. I want to run. I want to hide. I don't want to hurt Clark.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“What's wrong,” he asks me. I don't know what to say. How to answer...
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“I...I’m...oh...”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I feel the tears this time. Running down my cheeks. I bite my lip, I try to hold them back. Luthours don't cry. I don't cry...
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“I messed up, Clark,” I whisper. “I messed up. I was just trying to help but...”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“What happened?”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“My father, he's blind.”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“At lease he's still alive.”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“He doesn't see it that way...”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“What did he say?”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die.”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I can't stop the tears now. Why am I so weak? I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve anything. I'm a fucking monster and I mess everything up. I have to go. I have to run. I can't even meet his eyes. He's so innocent, so naive. I don't want him to see me. I'm a monster.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
But his arms are around me, holding me to his chest. I want to go. I know I should. But he's just so warm and inviting. He's holding me close and he really cares about what's bothering me and, he's my friend.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I did what was right. I did it for Clark. I have to have. Or why would he hold me like this. No-one’s ever held me like this. So gently, so lovingly. Clark's my friend. He's gently and innocent. He's so unlike everyone I know. People like Victoria. People who demand things from me. He'll never demand things from me.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I shouldn't have. Helping people is good. Helping is good. That's what Clark's whispering to me. Soft words. He's saying I did the right thing. He's saying I'm not evil and it'll be ok.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
I shouldn't have. I'm glad I saved him. I'm glad I didn't let him die. He's my father. He deserves to live. And I'm not evil. And I'm not him. I'm not Lionel Luther, I'm Lex. I don't live for money, to crush the opposition. I don't care about all that. I just want to be loved I just want friend.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
“You did the right thing,” Clark says clearly, pulling back slightly to look in my eyes. “Everyone deserves to live. You did the right thing.”
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
Clark's right. I can trust Clark. Clark always knows what's wrong and right. I've never met a more moral person then Clark Kent. I love him.
*It would have been better if you'd not helped me, if you'd let me... die. *
He kissed me. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Our lips were so close. It was just...natural. Just right. It's still a bit of a shock though. Not unwelcome thought. Never unwelcome. I kiss him back. Soft and gentle. Slow. Loving.
*Everyone deserves to live. You did the right thing.*
I pull back and lean my head on Clark's shoulder. He holds me close and I relax. I'm loved and I'm not alone.
*Everyone deserves to live. You did the right thing.*
I'm not my father and I'm not a monster. I'm Lex and, while I have Clark, Ill try my best to stay that way.
*Everyone deserves to live. You did the right thing.*
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