By the morning Ryoko's resolve had crumbled to dust, but it was too late. She knew she had to go through with it. She knew she had made the right choice for her and her child. She had made the right choice.
Still she didn't know. It wasn't an easy decision to make and neither choice was particularly appealing. But she wouldn't bring a child who she couldn't care for into this world. She couldn't. She would love this child with all her heart, but she couldn't raise it the way she wanted. It deserved so much from like and all she could offer it was a continuous run from the law. Wherever she went she had, once, hurt someone. It didn't matter that she was officially forgiven, people still looked at her with fear and hatred. They were disgusted by her and they would hate her child to.
The looks of fear on their faces. She had laughed at them once. Thought them weak as they would cower before her. Now she knew the truth. They were all wonderful strong people, it was she who was weak. She who had given in and hurt them all. If only she had been stronger.
It wasn't an issue thought. There was little she could have done to stand Kagato's control over her. She couldn't have fought him, but at the same time she shouldn't have given in to him.
His eyes had never held fear when they turned to her. They were the only ones. No-one else in the universe would look at her without fear in their eyes. A part of her knew the only reason he didn't fear her was because he controlled her, but she wanted to believe it was something more. She wanted to believe it badly. So she had.
He had told her she was special. Important. When he had seen the effects these words had on her he'd said them more often. She liked being told she was special. He's said it more and more, and then he'd told her he cared for her. When she was injured he would tend her. He told her he loved her. She knew it was all lies, but she wanted to believe. She wanted to think someone could lover her. He still controlled her, but he wouldn't have needed to. She wanted to do as he said. Wanted to cause that misery and pain. Wanted it so he would stroke her hair and tell her he loved her.
And then she was in the cave, alone with her thought and the accusing eyes. They glared at her as she lay there, unable to fight. At first she had been convinced Kagato would come and save her. He'd told her he loved her.
Of course, he never did. In time, her inner realist got a hold and made her realise she'd never been loved. He'd never cared for her. No one had ever cared for her.
The realisation had hurt. She was unloved and unwanted. Locked in a cave, alone with the eyes for all eternity. No one had ever loved her and no one would ever love her. She had hurt to many for anyone ever to lover her.
Then there had been Tenchi.
His eyes had never been afraid of her. As a child he would look at her curiously and laugh. Never cry. Never be afraid. She didn't scare him, and she couldn't help but love him.
Now, she like to think that some of them liked her. Sasami, Washu. She couldn't bring herself to believe it though. She had killed Sasami, how could she be forgiven for that. And she didn't want Washu to be her mother. She didn't want to think there was someone out there all the time who could have loved her.
But now she was going to loose it all. Maybe she could keep the baby. It would always love her. No matter what.
Well…until it grew up.
And besides, wanting to be loved was no reason to put a baby into the kind of horrible situation she would bring it into. It she really loved it, and she did, she had to do what was best for it.
Even if that meant being alone and unloved.
She could hear movement outside. Washu must be up and making breakfast. She couldn't bring herself to move though. She was weighed down in it all. It was to much and she didn't want to deal.
The door opened a little and she looked over to see Washu stood in the doorway. Ryo-Oki hopped in through the opening and jumped on the bed, snuggling close.
"Breakfast is nearly ready," Washu said with a smile, heading out.
"Mum," Ryoko called out, almost without thinking. "Am I doing the right thing?"
Washu bit her lip. Then turned and walked back into the room, allowing the door to shut. Ryoko watched her make her way across the room and sit on the side of the bed. She reached over and turned the light up and bit, just enough so they could see each other.
"I don't know," Washu said simply. "I don't think there is one right thing to do. You just have to do what seems right to you."
"But what if I'm wrong and I regret it."
Washu sighed and reached up to stroke Ryoko's hair. Ryoko looked up into her mother's eyes and she didn't see hatred, or tolerance or curiosity. She saw love. Someone in this damn universe loved her.
"You want to know what I think?" Washu asked softly. Ryoko nodded. "I think you're doing the right thing. In a lot of ways, you're only just starting to really live. You can go anywhere you know. You can do anything. You should take some time to enjoy it. You should go out there and see the galaxy. See it work and live in it and love it. If you have a child now, you may never get that and you'll regret it. You should be a child for a while, go and enjoy life."
"But I'm not a child." "Not in body, no. But in your mind, maybe. Either way, you deserve to have a bit of fun, a bit of life, before you make a commitment like this."
"But haven't you regretted giving your children away?"
"Yes," Washu said simply. "But when my son was taken away from me I had no choice in it. He was just torn away. Same with you, thought I doubt I would have thought of you as a daughter if all this hadn't happened."
"I love my baby," Ryoko whispered.
"I know," Washu replied.
Ryoko broke down in tears and allowed herself to be gathered up into her mother's arms. A lot of what had been said made sense. Maybe her mother was right. Maybe they're both right.
"Will you stay with me while…it happens?"
"Of course," Washu whispered. "I'll always be there if you need me."
~*~*~*~
They went to a different clinic this time. Ryoko didn't think she could face up to that one again. They found a small clinic on a backwater planet named Thelsa. It was a nice enough place. It was summer there and all the trees were covered in blue leaves and green flowers. The clinic itself was a small building, only one story, set in the middle of a small garden.
It was pleasant enough inside to. Lots of windows let light in and the entire place had a floral theme. All pastels and niceties.
The person behind the desk was very helpful and full of smiles, as was the nurse who led her into the back and gave her and hospital gown to change into. She couldn't help but be afraid of them though. She still wasn't positive this was right, but she knew it was best.
The room she ended up in was well lit and bright. There was a small bed and a large bunch of flowers, and a scary looking machine on a table by the bed.
Soon she was joined by Washu and some Doctor. She hadn't bothered remembering the name. It wasn't important. Washu hugged her quickly and held her hand. She lay back as the doctor instructed and squeezed her eyes shut.
She could hear the doctor pick the item from the table up and feel it's cold weight on her stomach. Then it was lifted away again.
"That's it," The Doctor told her with a smile. She slowly sat up, a little disorientated. That was all? It didn't even feel real. Lethargically she got to her feet and got dressed, then they were gone again.
~*~*~*~
It was about 11:30 on earth when Ryoko realised her baby was gone, and she wept.
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