Grandpa in Taiwan died on June 14, 2002 at noon.

All I can find of his pictures are the family portrait we took back in 1995 and a picture grandpa took with Kerry and I when we were little, I was 5 years old, and Kerry was 3 years old. I don't know grandpa's age or what is his birth date. I know so little about him. All I know is that he's "Grandpa," I don't even know his full name.

I wish I could have seen him one last time. I should have gone to see my grandparents during my Christmas break. I keep saying I don't have time because of work, now it seems that the cost of "working" exceeds the benefits. I regret so much that I didn't put in more effort to visit my grandparents. I regret so much that I didn't spend more time with them while I was there visiting. I regret not finding out more about my grandpa, asking him questions, talking to him, taking care of him, etc. I can't get back the lost time, all I have is regret and the memories.

I remember how he used to take me to school every morning, pick me up from school every day because I went to a different school than my cousins; Blow-drying my hair because he didn't want me to catch a cold. He used to buy me all the things I liked to eat, which was nearly everything. He used to take me around with him to visit his friends. I remember grandpa taking us to the playground, or the school yard so that we could play. He'd take five of us (I was about 4 or 5 years old at the time) on his scooter, two little ones would stand in the front, and three of us would hold on tight sitting behind him. At the time that Kerry and I lived in Taiwan for 8 months, my grandparents were our parents, we went with them to any function they were invited to. I even remember a few times that he punished me for something I did that I shouldn't have done, mostly it was for bothering my cousins. Grandma actually did most of the punishing, grandpa wasn't as stern. But there were times that we crossed the line, and he'd put his foot down.

During my most recent visit in 1998, I could hardly understand anything grandpa said, not that he was incoherent, but I wasn't used to his accent anymore. Grandma who only speaks Taiwanese actually understands him, and was translating for me. At that time, he had just been released from the hospital, he had been in and out of the hospital for respiratory problems and for his heart. Despite his deteriorating physical condition, he would still ride around on his scooter every day, getting some "fresh" air, visiting his friends or going grocery shopping at the food market. Every day, he'd go out to buy me fresh fruit that he thought I wouldn't have in the states, like lychees, longyan, etc. Whenever I visit, he and grandma would parade me around telling their neighbors and friends that I'm the "American grandkid," it's kinda of embarrassing, but it made them happy.

It's weird that as old as grandpa is, he's got the most open-mind of all my family. He isn't judgmental and showed unconditional love to all his grandchildren. My youngest uncle had a baby girl out of wedlock during my last trip, even though everyone told us not to mention the baby or to acknowledge her, we still did. Grandpa and grandma gave her a red envelope and I went shopping for baby clothes for her. Grandpa said to me, "She's an innocent baby, through no fault of her own does she deserve to be treated as an outsider." I didn't think of her as an outsider, she is my little cousin, regardless of the circumstances of her birth.

I feel so guilty that all I've ever done was be on the receiving end of his generosity. My cousins remember the things he likes to eat and they'd bring it to him. Or remember what kind of music he likes and make him a tape. They know his routine, what time he wakes up, what time he takes a nap and what time he goes to bed. I guess, since I didn't grow up in Taiwan, and wasn't around my grandparents, there isn't as close of a bond. Not only is there a sort of language barrier, but we're from two different cultures. American kids aren't as devoted to their grandparents. Well, in my case, I didn't know anything. But I wish I could have had a chance to do these things for him.

I always have my family in my thoughts, but my efforts often don't show it. I miss out on so much "family time." I missed out on my cousin's wedding and family gatherings for the holidays. Most of all I missed out on having my ALL grandparents attend my college graduation. Only my grandpa from the states was able to attend the entire ceremony.

I wonder if grandpa saw my graduation picture from college, and I wonder if he was proud.