funnies

Daily Moments Of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes. (I Love this one)

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. (I actually have this on a t-shirt.)

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark
side, and it holds the universe together. (a fav sayin a mine)

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took
the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon
return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
    Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
    don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
    "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say,
    "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the
    Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not:
    "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
    St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

THINGS TO DO AT WALMART WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I
think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission
Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

Do You Know Who I Am, Professor?

It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like
most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students,
having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very
strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk
in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and
asked for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their
exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk
and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.

"No you don't, I am not going to accept that, It's late!" The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor
sarcastically.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
room.

Tale Of The Sandwich Trailer

Here's the background:

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the
campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire) Vinnie is hisboss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story.

Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Me: Is there more milk or coffee?

Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Her: Just the usual amount of milk.

Me: A coffee with milk.

Her: Yes.

Me: Anything else?

Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Me: We do have decaf.

Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the
caffeine.

Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Her: Yes it does.

Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have
caffeine.

Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the
decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Her: Do you have any bagels?

Vinnie: (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am,
we're all out of decaf bagels.

Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.

Her: Do you take credit cards?

Me: No ma'am, cash only.

Her: What about visa?

Me: Is that a credit card?

Her: Well, yes.

Vinnie: Is it cash?

Her: No.

Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Her: What about checks?

Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Her: O.K.

Her: How much is that?

Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Her: Really?

Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus
you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now,
had to grow it myself.

Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)

Vinnie: Please leave.

Her: Why?

Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Her: But what about my coffee?

Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

New State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It
Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians (Go Michigan!)

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,
And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right
To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan (Hey!)

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

New Salesman

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The
drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next
sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax
and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer
immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamppost. The drugstore owner had seen
the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." "Ex-
Lax won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamppost. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

What I've Learned As I've Matured

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can
do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. ( I Wonder if this'll work for Gabe?)

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they
are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think
you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of
money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in
your house, one of your kids did it!

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away.

I've learned to say "F%@& em if they can't take a joke" in 6
languages.

50 Fun Things To Do To Telemarketers
(This is probly me fav list.)

1. Talk really fast.

2. Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets
static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear
them over the static.

3. Make up your own language. Speak it.

4. Hang up.

5. Make up a one word language. Speak it.

6. Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have
an emergency?"

7. If they say "Yes" to number 6 say, "Please state the nature of
the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an
emergency. Hang up.

8. If they say "No" to number 6 say, "I'm sorry but this line is
for emergencies only." Hang up.

9. Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.

10. Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the
telemarketer to release the hostages.

11. Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a
meatball sub.

12. Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.

13. Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You
better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

14. Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

15. Claim to be the mafia.

16. Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

17. Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a
prank call.

18. Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper
subscription.

19. Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name
Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.

20. Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"

21. Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of
Investigation. How may I help you?"

22. Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, "Damn unreliable
*69."

23. Speak a foreign language.

24. If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks
the language you used, speak another language, use a made up
language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.

25. Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or
boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what
you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you "realize"
that you are not speaking to your
husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, "Pervert!" Slam the phone
down to hang up.

26. Say, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"

27. Communicate only through Morse code.

28. Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the
phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.

29. Try to sell the telemarketer something.

30. Act drunk.

31. Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone
and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though
you were electrocuted.

32. Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is
a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

33. Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her
answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.

34. If he/she says "No" to #36 insist that he/she buy yours.

35. If he/she says "Yes" to #36 ask if he/she will take a strange
currency.

36. Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like,
"They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!"
After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

37. Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy
because you couldn't see him/her dance.

38. Make him/her sing to get a sale.

39. If a male sings for #41, claim that he sounds like Brittany
Spears.

40. If a female sings for #41, claim that she sounds like Barry
White.

41. Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

42. Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an
extremely boring subject.

43. Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

44. Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then
hang up.

45. Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat
the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with
your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.

46. After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone
number. Call the telemarketer.

47. Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim
that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to
them.

48. If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on
about how great another newspaper/magazine is.

49. Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get
him/her to buy your product.

50. Say, "Yes" immediately to whatever they are selling and hang
up immediately afterwards.