Taking Care of the Kids

CHALLENGE

Tom: Parents, do you want to get the kids out of the house for a couple 
of hours, into a friendly environment of two guys sitting in a room with 
them and hitting them if they get too close?

Nick: If so, our current undertaking and challenge, the 37 Kids Resort 
may be just the ticket for your freedom and your child's emotional growth.

Tom: The 37 Kids Resort has many features that we guarantee the children 
will love. Such as, videos:


(we hear rather aroused sounds in the background)

Kiddy 1: I thought Bambi was a video about animals, Mr Murtagh.

Tom: They are animals! Look at what Bambi's doing to Thumper!

Kiddy 1: But I thought it was a cartoon - those two are people.

Tom: Yes, well the cartoon one was hired out already, so you've got 
the adult movie version.

(a pause, with louder sounds)

Kiddy 1: Mr Murtagh?

Tom: (annoyed) Yes?

Kiddy 1: What IS Bambi doing to Thumper?

Tom: Well, when a man loves a woman very much ...

Kiddy 1: But they're BOTH women! (pause) Why are they doing that?

Tom: It's a position called the Lotus Stem. Can you say that?

Kiddy 1: The..Lot..us..ST-

Tom: Yeah, shut up.


Nick: Our childminding center also has rigourous activities to keep the 
little tykes healthy!


Kiddy 2: What do I have to do again?

Nick: Oh, for Christ's sake kid, listen up properly. I want you to take 
the plastic bag filled with magic icing sugar to Miguel Sanchez's house. 
He'll smell the fairy pollen inside and give you 50 green pieces of 
paper with a little 100 in the corner. If he doesn't give you enough 
of the special pieces of paper, you point this at him and pull the trigger.

Kiddy 2: Like this? (gunshot, scream)

Nick: Oh, Jesus! Uh..someone call an ambulance...


Tom: We also play word games!


Nick: Hey, what's your name, your mum's job and her phone number?

Kid: I'm Eric, my mummy's a doctor and her number is 555 3192. I remember
it by the song "If you're all lost and don't know what to do, go to a 
phone and dial 555 319-

Nick: Ah, shut up, I'm dialing! Hello, yes, I've got your son Eric here, 
and you'll never see him alive again unless you send 10, 000 dollars to...


Tom: We've also taken the time to teach your children some of the more 
important lessons in life - things they wouldn't learn at school.


Nick: Statistically speaking, the shorter the period of time you're
actually on the road, the less likely you are to be hit, or involved
in an accident. Also, the fewer the distractions are, to prevent your
swift passage across the road, the safer you are.

Tom: So kiddies, run across the road with your eyes shut!


Tom: But we also teach your children some harsh realities of life:


Tom: Hey, kids! There's no such thing as Santa Claus!

Nick: I..what?

Tom: (aside) Sorry Nick, I'll explain it you later.


Nick: And we also use the medium of song to our advantage:


Tom: Okay, here's a song for you kids!

Kiddies: Yay!!!

Nick: Someone buy me a packet of cigarettes, a six pack of beer, and a 
porn mag as well, will someone please buy me a pack of cigarettes 
some beer and a mag of porn!

Kid: What's porn?

Nick: What Bambi did to Thumper.


Tom: And to cap off a tiring day, it's nap time!


Nick: Okay, kiddy go to sleep now!

Kid: But I wanna run and play and -

(sudden sound)

Nick: Oh, the little guy's all tuckered out. Isn't that cute?


Tom: 37 Kids Resort, where..oh what do you want, you little arsehole? We're 
trying to record a promo here!

Kid: I'm hungry!

Tom: Well, you should have packed a lunch then, shouldn't you?

Kid: I did! Nick's eating it!

Nick: (yells with mouth full) *Bleep* you! You're a lying bastard! 

Tom: Ahem! 37 Kids Resort, where the sign says 'Tender Loving Care', and the 
guys working there say 'Piss off, you bloody kids'. Ask about our half 
price rates for kids with Life Insurance!