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For now, open your ears for some of my favorite Simpsons sounds:
Back to Brian's Web Space ExtraordinaireAnd now, some of my favorite Homer quotes:
Marge: So...you want to go on tour with a travelling freak show. Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge. Marge: Of course you have a choice. Homer: How do you figure? Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.
Homer: I see these kids now with "Jive" printed on their shirts. Pftt... Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive". Lisa: Dad... Please just drive the car, dad. Homer: I'm watching the road sweetie. You jive turkey. See? You got to sass it. Quit jivin' me, turkey. You got to sass it. A "turkey" is a bad person.
Homer: Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar! Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down! Homer: (slowly) J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar. Marge: Think before you say each word. Homer: You broke a promise to your child. Marge: What? Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper.
Lisa: Dad, Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume and she's not and the geography pageant is tonight! Homer: Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career now. She's a slot-jockey. Lisa: But Dad, if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, I'll be the laughing-stock of the whole school! Homer: Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First, I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you. And now this.
Homer: Hello, Florida! Lisa: I'm not a state, I'm a monster! Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Lisa: Mom! Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up? Lisa: I just had a bad dream! Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it. Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under-- Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun.Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Marge: What happened here? Homer: Oh, nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Bogeyman! Of course, none of this would have happened if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid.
Homer: Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino and I think you may have a problem. Marge: I won sixty dollars last night. Homer: Woo-hoo! Problem solved.
Marge: No, I will not pay you $500 for sex! Homer: Aw, come on, Marge! You're getting something in return, and I'm getting a bowling team. It's win-win! Marge: It's sick! And I don't have that kind of money to spend on sex. Maybe you could get someone with money to sponsor your team. Like Mr. Burns. Homer: Burns never gives money to anybody. Just last week I asked him for $1,500. Marge For what? Homer: Oh, I gotta get the third degree from you too?
Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck! Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that? Homer: (on phone) Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth! Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. Lisa: We are not weiners! Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for? Bart+Lisa: They made us. Homer: "Oh, they made us." That's loser-talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world.
Homer: Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast? Marge: Toast. Homer: I don't understand thee, Marge. Marge: Ye olde toast. Homer: Ooh.
Arnie: Arnie Pie in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Homer: Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas.
Homer: It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good! It's just a little slimy. It's still good, it's still good! It's just a little airborne. It's still good, it's still good!
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers. Lisa: "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB." Bart: What's that extra B for? Homer: It's a typo. Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other kind of party, one where you don't serve meat? Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Wolf: Come out, come out, or I'll bloooow your house down. Pigs: Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chin. Bart: What a load of crappy crap crap. Homer: Quiet, boy. I have a feeling some bad stuff is going to do down. The wolf blows feebly, and the house tilts backwards equally feebly. Maggie claps her hands in enthusiasm. Homer: That was good, but it wasn't great.
Homer: Yello? ... Yes? ... Mental hospital? ... Well I don't know any Ned Flanders. Marge: The man who lived next door until his house blew down? Homer: Oh, him!
Marge: We've always tried to be good parents. Please! I'm begging you, one mother to another. You must have a family? Judge: No, I don't care for children. Homer: Well, wait a minute! OK, I'm not going to win "Father of the Year". In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids. I... Er, well, er, wait... can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa. Judge: And, er, Margaret? Homer: Who? Lady, you got the wrong file. Marge: It's Maggie! Homer: Oh, Maggie. I got nothing against Maggie.
Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family Skills". It teaches parents to listen to their -- Homer: Communication, gotcha. Judge: But it's important to -- Homer: Listen, yes, I know. Judge: But there's more to it than -- Homer: I have listening skills! Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please -- Homer: Shut up, Judge!
Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going? Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! (thinking) I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and -- (aloud) The Springfield River!
Homer: Jacknifed sugar truck! (gasps) Sugar? Dont worry, buddy. Here's a quarter; call for help at the nearest phone. I'll keep an eye on things here. Hans: If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir. Bart: Homer, that was downright decent of you. Homer: We've hit the jackpot here! White gold, Texas tea! ... sweetener. Bart: Dad, isn't this stealing? Homer: Read your town charter, boy. "If foodstuff should touch the ground, said foodstuff shall be turned over to the village idiot." Since I don't see him around... start shoveling!
Marge: Homer, I appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange. Lisa: It hurts my teeth. Homer: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! Marge, our ship has come in! I found five hundred pounds of sugar (to Bart, sly) in the forest (to Marge) that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for the low, low price of one dollar per pound. Marge: But the grocery store sells sugar for thirty-five cents a pound. Lisa: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it. Homer: Those are prizes! (eats a mouthful) Ooh, a blasting cap.
Homer: And you didn't think I'd make any money. I found a dollar while waiting for the bus. Marge: While you were out earning that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday. Homer: Woo hoo! Four-day weekend.
Homer: (sleepy) Must...protect...sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong must protect the sweet...the sweet...(snores) Marge: Homer? Homer: (with a Spanish accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women...(snores) Marge: Homer...Homer! Homer: Wha...what? Marge: I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar! You're being completely paranoid. Homer: Oh, am I? Am I really? Ah ha! (pulls a man from behind pile) Theif: Hello. Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea? Theif: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. Goodbye. Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see? Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme? Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?" Marge: Look, just get rid of the sugar, OK? Homer: No! (a swarm of bees lands on Homer and the sugar pile) Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! (gets stung) Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.
Beekeeper 1: Well, very clever, Simpson, luring our bees to your sugar pile and selling them back to us at an inflated price. Homer: Bees are on the what now? Beekeeper 2: Simpson you diabolical...we're willing to pay you $2000 for the swarm. Homer: Deal! (starts to rain) Beekeeper 1: Oh, wait a minute. The bees are leaving. Homer: No! My sugar is melting. Melting! Oh, what a world. My sugar's gone. Marge: I'm sorry, Homey. Homer: It's OK, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart? Homer: New glasses? Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him. Homer: Probably misses his old glasses. Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him. Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. Marge: That's not what I meant. Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
Homer: I can't believe my little boy is already going on his first date. (sings) Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset... Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... Yes, we have no bananas...(weeps) Marge: Oh, that's sweet Homer. Our son is growing up, isn't he. Homer: No, it isn't that. Didn't you hear? They have no bananas! They have no bananas today...(walks off crying)
Homer: Hello, is this NASA? Scientist: Yes? Homer: Good! Listen: I'm sick of your boring space launches. Now I'm just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV. Scientist: How did you get this number? Homer: Shut up! And another thing: how come I can't get no Tang 'round here? And also -- [a toilet flushes] Scientist: People, our long search is over. Homer: Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. ...Shut up! Assistant: Excuse me -- Homer: Aah! Assistant: Are you the person that called NASA yesterday? Homer: No, it wasn't me, I swear! It was...him! [points to Barney] Scientist: Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life? Barney: Be an astronaut? Sure! Scientist: Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find this will win you the respect of your family and friends. Homer: [gasps] Respect? Nooo! It was me. I made the crank call. I do it all the time! Check with the FBI: I have a file. I have a file!
Reporter: Uh, question for the barbeque chef. Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space? Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to [ominous] that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! [weeps]
Scientist: Well, Homer, I guess you're the winner by default. Homer: Default? Woo hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language: de-fault! De-fault! De-fault!
Lisa: Mom, this is really scary. I'm going to get my first F ever. Marge: Cheer up! So you're not good at sports: it's a very small part of life. Homer: Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports... Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports. Marge: I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. How about letting her ride up front too? (Homer looks at Bart, who shakes his head) Homer: Ehh, I tried.
Homer: Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it: you like Lisa best! Marge: No! Homer: Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you? Marge: No! Homer: Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best. What's she ever done? Nothin' for nobody.
Marge: He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance. I want vengeance! Announcer: Jimbo Jones, called for tripping. The penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson. Homer: Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!