Heaven's Here on Earth

by Denise

Part 18: Subtle Dreams Disguised

~*~ I am undone tonight;

Love in a subtle dream disguised

Hath bought my heart and me surprised

The Dream

Ben Jonson

~*~

Silver moonlight slanted into the room, falling lightly across Brenda's sleeping face as she lay curled upon her side on the couch with an afghan tucked around her. Jax sighed---a mixture of fatigue and frustration---and drummed his long fingers on the desk, before cutting the computer off with a decisive click. Enough of that. He hadn't been able to concentrate on business---not in the last hour or so, anyway. Not since Mac's call.

He swiveled the chair around and watched Brenda for a long moment. She was so peaceful when she slept; all her frenetic energy calmed. Curious how much of himself was tied up in her again. He hadn't meant for it to happen; he hadn't intended to be drawn into her spell again, to trust her again with his heart. He smiled wryly. As if he had a choice. Hearts don't lie, only people do.

Restlessly, he came to his feet, crossed to the antique heart pine sideboard, and poured himself a generous snifter of brandy, turning over the events of the last week in his mind.

He and Brenda had arrived at the Southern Cross Ranch in the middle of the morning, with the bright sunlight reflecting off the fresh-fallen snow and overhead, a pale blue sky as clear as glass. Brenda had pressed her nose against the window, entranced by the rolling acres of snow-covered meadow below studded with stands of Colorado blue spruce, and delighted by her enthusiasm, Jax had ordered William to circle the wide expanse of Spirit Lake, lying deep blue and smooth at the foot of the Rockies.

She'd loved the house on sight, too----a great log house, solid and substantial and welcoming, situated on the small rise overlooking the lake. And despite the crisp cold, she'd had breakfast every morning on the east porch at the back of the house, watching the rising sun. He shook his head, wondering which was more amazing: Brenda eating breakfast----and a "healthy" one at that---or Brenda actually rolling out of bed early enough to watch the sunrise. Smiling, he flashed back to this morning, when he'd walked out on the porch to stand behind her, sliding his arms around her, holding her close as they both watched the sun emerging from the midnight blue horizon, its light turning the sky the first shades of newborn pink and rose and gold.

".........it's so funny. Until I came out here with you, I'd maybe seen five sunrises in my whole life---now I can't get enough of them." Brenda had turned her head to kiss the side of his throat. Her lips felt warm and soft against his neck, and he tightened his grip on her, loving her.

"Magical, aren't they? Sunsets are spectacular, but they're melancholy. They're an ending. Sunrises....well, I've always thought there was hope in a sunrise....."

"There is." Brenda leaned her head back against his shoulder and gazed into his eyes, sliding her right hand up to caress his face. "They remind me all over again that I've got a second chance---a second chance at a life, a second chance with you. I don't want to waste one single minute of our time together, Jax, not one." She smiled self-consciously. "Listen to me. I'm having another one of those 'cosmic moments'. You know, like I had after I got hit by that car two years ago." She smiled wryly. "I'm beginning to think I'm accident-prone. First the hit-and-run, now this. Of course THAT wasn't an accident...."

...and neither was this, Jax thought grimly, fully in the present again, Mac's words of less than an hour before still ringing in his ears.

"......that's right, you heard me, Jax. Brenda's 'accident' was no accident. Her brakes had been tampered with....the police and the insurance company never thought to check the car.....the driving conditions were lousy, the jeep was totaled anyway....."

"Right." The expression on Jax's face would have terrified Mac had he been there to see it. "They just chalked it up to Brenda losing control on an icy road. And that's it. End of story."

"Look, Jax, I'm having a hard time figuring this out. Why would someone want to kill Brenda? You, yeah, I can see it---"

"Thanks, Mac."

"But Brenda?" Mac had gone on as if Jax hadn't even spoken.

"Just find out what you can and call me back."

Jax took a sip of brandy, forcing himself to be patient. Mac would call when he had something. He walked to the fireplace, drawn by the crackling, incessant flames. Sitting the snifter on the mantel, he grabbed the poker and began a quiet, but vicious attack on the nearest log.

"Hey, Jaaxxxx." Brenda's voice was a veritable purr, sending a thrill up Jax's spine. "So what did that log ever do to you?"

He laughed throatily and set the poker down, crossing the room to kneel beside the couch. She ran her fingers caressingly through his hair as he leaned close and whispered, "I was pretending it was Ashley."

She threw back her head and gave a Brenda-chuckle of glee. "Oh, well...."---she raised an eyebrow archly---"I hope you gave her a couple of good stabs for me while you were at it."

"I did. Trust me."

"I do." Brenda's voice turned sultry again. "That's why I wasn't really worried when I found her at the penthouse. Annoyed, but not worried." Her voice took on a serious note, and now she put both hands up to hold his face steady as she gazed into his eyes. "Although maybe I should have been scared. If I had known then that she was a WSB agent, I might have been."

His aquamarine eyes shimmered suddenly with a cold light, but the iciness was not for her. "You weren't in any danger, Brenda. Ashley might have THOUGHT about hurting you---for a split second---but she's no fool. I made the consequences of such an action quite clear to her in Malaysia."

"My hero." Brenda kissed him lightly, almost imperceptibly, but pulled away when he tried to deepen the kiss. She gave him a look of mock appraisal. "You know, I've always had this thing about dangerous men. You were exciting enough when I thought you were just a billionaire, corporate raider. Not that I've found out you're a WSB agent, too---"

"WAS a WSB agent."

"Once an agent, always an agent," Brenda responded wittily. "I mean it's like that that old Scottish proverb Professor Corey was telling me about. The one about riding a dragon. 'Mounting's hard, but harder still to get off the beastie's back.' "

Jax sighed. "Well, that sums up my relationship with the WSB nicely. They never really let go, you know."

"And they haven't let go of Jerry, either, have they?" Brenda's insight had grown over the last year even as her self-centeredness had lessened.

Jax's head reared back in an instinctive gesture of disdain. "Jerry never tires of the cloak-and-dagger stuff---he never will." He stared broodingly across the room into the glowing flames of the fire.

"You did."

"Yes." Jax turned to look into her deep, dark eyes. "A funny thing happened: I joined the Bureau to take my mind off losing one woman"---here Brenda frowned at the oblique reference to Miranda---"and then six years later I met another that made me want to give it up forever." He tapped a gentle finger against Brenda's chin, and she smiled.

"Have you? Given it up, I mean?" She rubbed her face against Jax's hand which was now cupping her cheek.

"Yes, Brenda. I swear. They wanted me to help them keep tabs on Sonny when I first came to Port Charles, and I wouldn't do it. Especially not after I got involved with you. I was afraid they'd try to use you as a pawn in the game somehow. That's why I think they didn't help me when those damn phony drug charges were brought against me. It was payback time."

Brenda's eyes grew wide. "You don't think the BUREAU set you up, Jax? It was Dorman!"

"Was it? I'm not so sure now, Brenda. Someone bigger was behind Dorman, and we know it wasn't Rivera. No, the Bureau didn't set me up, but they know who did. And they're not telling." He took her hands in his, hesitating a moment before he continued. "Look, Brenda. A lot is going on in PC.....Helena is coming....or maybe she's already there. And for some reason, both Jerry and Ashley think she's out to get me. Then there's the bad blood between Luke and Stefan---I don't know how much longer I can keep them from each other's throats, especially since Nikolas was shot. And Jason's "business"---his voice grew bitter---"the BUSINESS he inherited from Sonny is making it dangerous for everyone. I just.....I would feel better if maybe you stayed here for awhile. You could transfer to the University at Denver....or even if you wanted to be in New York, you could stay in Manhattan. You could have the run of the entire Jacks Tower....stay at the Aerie. You could take classes at Columbia or NYU.....what do you think?"

Brenda sat upright, indignation written in every line of her body. "Right." Her jaw tightened in anger. "I run for cover while you stay in the line of fire. I DON'T THINK SO."

"Brenda----"

"Don't you 'Brenda' me, Jax." She was working up a full head of steam now. "We're a team, remember? What do you always say? 'Nobody leaves'? Well, I was stupid once, and I left." Her eyes filled with tears, but her voice was still strong, still angry. "But I wised up, Jax. I will NEVER leave you again---never. Not for anything." Her voice softened, and she twined her fingers through his. "I've got to stay with you, Jax. Don't you see? The only time either of us is safe is when we're together."

"It's going to get bad, Brenda. I think Port Charles is going to get really dangerous before it's all over, and I don't want you hurt. I love you, and I want to keep you safe." His eyes searched her face. "Is that so hard to understand?"

"No, it isn't. I love you, too, and I don't want YOU hurt. I'm not a China doll, Jax. I'm strong now--I won't break. I can protect you just as much as you protect me." Jax's eyes were a glittering aquamarine now, filling slowly with silver-blue tears. He knew she meant every word she said. "That's why I'm going back to PC with you. Someone has to watch your back. You just said you don't trust Jerry right now."

"I trust Jerry where I'm concerned---I don't trust him where YOU'RE concerned. That's the problem.....Jerry tends to get a little.....overprotective. And right now, he's got it in his head that you're a heartache waiting to happen."

"Well, I'm not," she said firmly, her eyes locking on his. "I made my choice a long time ago, Jax. I chose to live, and be free. Free of Sonny, free of all that pain and despair and sadness. Free to love you----even if you never loved me back." Her eyes filled with tears, too, now, their dark depths shining like polished ebony. "I took that chance, you know. I had to take it, and even if you had let me leave the penthouse that day, I would never have regretted loving you. Remember what you told me when I left you? You said you never regretted one single moment that was us. That's the way I feel." She smiled, an expression of perfect love and tenderness on her face. "That feeling doesn't come along every day, Jax. It will never come again to me for all the rest of my life. Even if we broke up, and I learned to love someone else in time, it wouldn't be the same." Her voice dropped, became low and intimate. "We're worth fighting for Jax. Aren't we?"

"You bet we are," he answered, his grip on her hands tightening. He cleared his throat; the emotions of the past few minutes were still raw and on the surface. "All right, then. It's settled. We BOTH go back to Port Charles. Is tomorrow too soon?"

She pulled her hands free, running them over his face, stroking his hair, unable to get enough of him. Her voice was strong and sure as she replied, "No. Tomorrow is perfect." They shared a long look, each drawing strength from the other. "As long as we're together, they can't get at us, Jax. Nothing can."

"As long as we're together...." He slid his hands up into her thick, lustrous hair, his mouth descending on hers, passionate and full of unspoken need. Her arms twined around his neck involuntarily as her body instinctively molded to his, and Jax let out a fierce groan, gathering her up in his arms, his long strides carrying them up the stairs and down the long hall to their bedroom......

~*~

Brenda always looks like a little girl when she's asleep.

Jax stood silent in the doorway, his tall, muscular body silhouetted by the glowing light of the fire burning low in the fireplace. He took another sip of brandy and crossed the room to stand beside the bed. Brenda didn't stir as he sank slowly down beside her, still holding the glass. He was amazed that he hadn't waked her earlier with his restless rolling and tumbling, spurred by the vague nightmare he'd had: of whirling fog and icy air, blowing off the river with malicious force and chasing him through the twisting passages of Stefan Cassadine's maze. He was running, running as if the hellhound of the Baskervilles was on his heels, yet he wasn't the one pursued. He knew it. Whatever the malevolent force, whether hellhound or human, Brenda was the target. And so, in his dream, he had raced on through the phantom night, straining every muscle to best his unseen, unknown enemy and reach Brenda first---only to turn a corner in the maze and face an impenetrable wall of close-clipped hedge. A dead end.

He'd awakened with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed, bathed in sweat, his heart pounding as if he'd been running a marathon. And with the terrible, despairing feeling that his dream enemy had won......

Sighing, he set the brandy glass down. The moonlight streaming through the windows silvered Brenda's hair and face and bare shoulders, making her skin shimmer like mother-of-pearl. So serene, so lovely. So oblivious to his unrest. Despite her strength, her assurance that they could weather whatever Ashley or Helena or fate threw at them, Jax couldn't shake his nagging feeling of unease. He was missing something, an important piece of the puzzle. It lay just beyond his reach like an object half-seen out of the corner of his eye, substantial but indefinable, and it hurt to think that, for once, he couldn't rely on Jerry as an ally. By putting Ashley in their path, his older brother had made his position plain: Jerry considered Brenda an enemy. He'd back me with his life, as always. I know that, Jax thought. But now Brenda and I are a package deal, and until Jerry can accept that, I can't trust him, not really.

He plowed a hand through his thick, blond hair. Distraction, I need a distraction. Like the one he and Brenda had indulged in a few hours earlier. His pulse began to pound as he remembered their wild, almost feverish lovemaking. They had made love as if they were dying; fused together so tightly in the end, that neither knew where one left off and the other began. And that's what a two week's drought will do to you, he mused wryly. Thank God Brenda's ribs are almost healed up now. He touched her hair, smoothing it, petting it as if it were a living creature beneath his hand, warm and silky and sentient.

Time for that distraction. And Brenda won't mind the sweet dreams either, I'm sure.....

He stretched out on the bed beside her and gently nudged her onto her back. Slowly he pulled the comforter away, exposing her nude, relaxed body, lovely in faint light. That hollow in the base of her throat, there where her delicate collarbones met her long, slim throat.....sometimes he fancied he could actually see her pulse beating there. He wondered if he could taste it.

Stealthily, he leaned forward, crouching over her now, like a lion over its fallen prey, her very vulnerability heightening both his desire and his instinctive protectiveness. He pressed his lips lightly against her skin, feeling the rhythm of her heart through his lips, letting it seep into his very soul. Brenda...... She stirred slightly, moaning in her sleep, and Jax trailed his hands over her shoulders to her breasts, not caressing the soft flesh as much as enveloping it, cradling and containing her. Her heart was there, beating in his hand, and he was quiet, caught up in the steady, inexorable rhythm echoing from his fingertips to his mouth and back again.

The touch. Such a gentle touch, both lips and hands. Like a diver just below the surface, Brenda was submerged in shallow sleep, full consciousness just beyond her reach. It was a dream-like state in which the senses played tricks, imagining sights and sounds and smells that weren't real. But the hands are real; the lips are real. Even in sleep, Brenda knew this somehow and was both comforted and aroused. There was tenderness in these hands; there was love in this touch, and she responded to it instinctively, arching her back to get closer to the source of this unconditional pleasure, this unending affection.

Jax raised his head, smiling. Wherever she was, in whatever dream she was inhabiting at the moment, she felt him; she desired him; she wanted more. And he wanted to give it to her.....

He rubbed his fingers lightly across her hardening nipples, pleased to hear her sighs of pleasure as she shifted restlessly on the bed, her legs parting involuntarily. Lightly he kissed her still-bruised ribs, his eyes changing to the color of mid-winter ice as he thought again of her pain and how close he'd come to losing her. And when I find out exactly who's responsible, they're going to pay for every bruise, I swear to God...... He reined in his anger, concentrating again on Brenda, on her sweet responsiveness, on his own pleasure at his command of her body. He laid his head on her stomach, his eyes closed, sure that he could hear, deep within the recesses of her body, the ghost heartbeats of their as-yet unborn children. Sleep on, little ones. It's not time yet......someday not so far away, but not now....not now. Your mother and I have so much lost time to make up for first...... He rubbed his cheek against her soft skin and kissed her lightly.

Don't stop, don't stop. Brenda fought to rise to the surface, fought to gain full consciousness, full awareness of the incredible sensations flowing like electricity through her body. Love, pure love. It was in every gesture, every caress, and she wanted so desperately to know it fully, to give some of it back. She twisted against the soft cotton sheets, her fingers instinctively sliding low to lock into the blond hair at the nape of Jax's strong neck. Closer, oh get closer......hurry, hurry. Her heart was pounding now, adrenaline coursing along every vein, her skin super-sensitive to his touch.

Jax laughed soundlessly, triumphantly. Sweet dreams, Brenda, sweet, sweet dreams, I promise.....

His mouth found her, touching and tasting, and her soft moans became guttural cries as she crashed through the barrier between sleep and wakefulness. Her eyes flew open wide, she gasped for breath, her heart hammering with a pleasure so intense it bordered on pain, her back arching like a bow. Jax slid his hands underneath her, cupping her bottom to hold her thrashing body still as he finished his explorations. And when he was through, Brenda collapsed, helpless as a rag doll in his arms.

"Jax......" She moaned his name into his shoulder as he held her close.

"I take it my little experiment was successful?" he teased.

"Experiment?"

"In the effects of sensory stimulation on a somnolent subject---"

"WHAT?"

"Please don't make me repeat it. YOU try saying it three times, fast."

"Jaaaaxx." Even in her usual post-coital state of drowsiness, Brenda still packed a decent right. She punched Jax in the arm, and he cringed in exaggerated pain. "Owww...."

"Awww.....did I hurt you? Let me kiss it and make it all better." Eyes glinting mischievously, Brenda pressed her lips to Jax's bicep, running her tongue lightly across his skin, reveling in the salty taste. He sighed with pleasure, and Brenda promptly nipped him sharply.

"OOWWWWW!!" he yelped, giving her an indignant look. "What the hell was that for?"

"Just because I could. Here, I really will make it better this time---"

"NO WAY!" Jax held up both hands as if warding off a vampire. "I gave at the Red Cross last month---no way am I giving up any more platelets, not even to you."

"Now, Jax." Her voice was soothing, but there was an undercurrent of amusement beneath. "I didn't draw blood.....don't be a wuss."

"Wuss!" He pointed to the red mark on his bicep. "You left a SCAR" His blue-green eyes were wide with mock indignation, but in their crystalline depths, Brenda detected barely-contained laughter.

"Honey, that's not a scar. It's a hickey."

"Hickory?"

"HICKEY! It's American slang for......er.....love bites."

"Ohh.......koala kisses."

"WHAT??" It was Brenda's turn to be totally confused.

"Australian slang," Jax replied smugly, pulling her back into his arms. She snuggled close, drowsy again, and for a long moment, they shared a companionable silence. She felt so light, lying on his chest, that Jax could barely feel her weight. He found himself wishing they could stay on at the Southern Cross---for a moment, he fantasized about a permanent relocation, far from Port Charles and all its complications---Jason and Luke, Ned and Stefan and Alexis. And Helena Cassadine. Most of all her. Jax was sure that the Cassadine matriarch was behind Brenda's "accident". He sighed. Can't do that. Have to finish what we started---the docks project; Brenda wants to get her degree. And Lancaster Corey.......His eyes flashed a resolute Prussian blue in the firelit room. Corey's got some explaining to do. Not to me---to Brenda. Time I confronted him. And maybe he can give me some clues about Helena. God knows I need all the help I can get.....

"Jax?"

"Hm?"

"Nothing." Brenda propped herself up on his chest, her hands supporting her chin. "You just seemed so far away all of a sudden." He said nothing, only stared into her eyes, and she continued, "You're worried about going back home. Don't be." She moved a hand to his face, her slim fingers gently tracing the strong, clean line of his jaw. "I meant what I said Jax. As long as we're together, no one can get at us. No one. Not Ashley, or Helena, or Stefan. Not even Jerry. Trust me."

"I do." He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling. It was his turn to touch her now, and he cupped the side of her face in one large palm. "You are my rock, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah." Brenda's voice was a sexy purr. "Go figure." Her expression became self-conscious. "I mean, I've always leaned on you, haven't I? And before you, I let other people prop me up. It feels good to be leaned on for a change. I mean, you're my love...and my lover....my once and future husband......"

Jax raised an eyebrow in mock surprise.

"You're my partner," Brenda continued, giving him no chance to protest.

Secretly pleased at her statement, Jax pretended to let it slide. "We're a team all right," Jax agreed, his fingers brushing her cheek. "You said it. 'No one can get at us as long as we're together.' So we stick together."

"Yeah. Together." Brenda laid her head back on his chest, drifting off almost immediately into dreamless sleep. But the peace that came so easily to her eluded Jax. He stayed awake through the night, staring into the glowing fire, unable to shake the feeling that they were surrounded by malevolent forces, sure in his heart that even now, those forces were conspiring to break them apart.....

~*~