The Test of Time

by Lissie  

Chapter 1

~*~*~Sept. 8th 1998~*~*~

Lightning flashed through the sky lighting up the heavens to reveal the dark black clouds that dropped buckets of rain on the earth. The engine of her car couldn't drown out the low, but loud rumblings of the thunder so Brenda turned up the music in her car. It didn't help much, but the distraction of drowning out Celine Dion's voice with her own did. At least it gave her something to think about other than being caught driving at night during

this late summer thunderstorm. If she knew it was going to start raining as soon as she left Jax's penthouse she would have taken him up on his offer to come along with her to fetch a paper she needed in order for her to finish some important L&B business by tomorrow morning. Instead she had turned him down, determined that she would do things on her own. Right about now she would love the company as she fought to see the road through her

windshield while the wipers were furiously fighting the pelting rain. Especially now, since she was on the road that ran perilously close to the Port Charles River right before the bridge was crossed.

She was almost there. Thank God. She could just barely see the turn that led to the bridge and she would be on a safer road headed towards her cottage. Once there she could make herself some hot chocolate, and call Jax. Just the thought of listening to his voice made her feel better. The thought calmed her frazzled nerves until the sky lit up again, but this time it wasn't lightning…

~*~*~Sept. 18, 1998~*~*~

Jax sat on the couch in the penthouse, elbows on knees, head in hands. He sat in the dark. He hadn't bothered to turn the lights on, what was the point? All he saw now was darkness. He heard the front door open, his hands dropped from his face clasping together so they hung between his knees. He slowly glanced up; shaking a bit of sun bleached blonde hair out of his eyes before they settled on the eyes his brother, Jerry.

"Why, Jerry? Why?" Jax asked, looking for answers to a question that there just weren't any good ones to.

"I can't answer that, Jax, only to say it should never have happened," Jerry answered, being serious for once in his life. The usually playful charm his brown eyes emitted was nowhere to be found. It was masked by grief, which masked the guilt behind it. The awful truth was that there was no reason for any of this to have happened because he could have stopped it long ago. Now it was too late and he had to watch his baby brother suffer through

it. He'd watched Jax go through this before, but Brenda had a stronger hold on Jax's heart than Miranda ever did. Jerry wasn't sure if Jax would make it this time, but he owed it to himself to be a pillar of support for Jax. It would help him ease his guilty conscience if he did.

"No, it should never have happened. I should have stopped her before she went out. I should have gone with her or told her that she could get it in the morning…" Jax started saying as he rose from the couch becoming animated in his motions as his voice increased with conviction.

"Jax, don't blame yourself…" Jerry tried to reason with Jax, but he wouldn't have any of it.

"All she wanted was a damn document from the Gatehouse. Was that such a crime? What was her crime, Jer?" Jax asked with such conviction and rhetoric that Jerry didn't answer. He was too stunned to. Jax's eyes were wild with grief, and Jerry wasn't sure what was going on his brother's mind, or how he should answer.

"That's right, she didn't commit one, did she?" Jax rhetorically stated as he walked to the mini bar. Jerry watched as Jax picked up several full decanters. "The person who had one too many drinks of this stuff and then some committed the crime. Why her? She had her whole life ahead of her. We were to be married in a couple of months, she just gained control of L&B again, and worst of all, she just found out she was pregnant. Did you know that

Jer?"

Jerry shook his head as he answered, "Yes, I did. You told us that night. Jax, I'm so sorry." He was concerned. Jax didn't even remember telling the search party that his fiancé was pregnant. He was on a fast spiral downwards and Jerry wasn't sure what he could do to stop it.

"I don't want your pity."

"What do you want then? You've been shutting everyone out since the memorial service. Your friends and family want to help you through this, what can we do?"

"I don't know." Jax paused and glanced down at the decanters in his hands. He knew exactly what he wanted. Nothing like this was going to happen to him again. He shifted the two decanters in his hands to one arm and picked up the third and headed out of the room.

"Jax? Jax, what are you doing?" Jerry asked concerned as he watched and followed Jax. He wasn't going to completely shut himself off from everyone and drink himself to death, was he? He felt guilty enough about Brenda, but his brother's blood wasn't going to be on his hands either. Not if he could do something about it. He caught up to Jax, who was heading towards the bathroom and grabbed a bottle from him.

Jax swung around and stared at him. "What are you doing, Jax? Getting drunk isn't going to solve your problems."

"You fool, I'm not going to get drunk. I haven't touched the stuff since she…she…."

"It's okay to say it. Since she died. Come on say it. Get it off your chest."

Jax ignored him as he opened up one of the decanters and started pouring the liquid down the bathroom sink. The room reeked of the putrid smell of alcohol, but Jax didn't care he was getting rid of all of it. He never wanted to see it again. The stuff killed. He continued with the second decanter and grabbed the third one from a stunned Jerry and poured it down. He turned on the faucet to wash down the remaining alcohol in the sink, then turned

to Jerry.

"You want me to say it? Brenda's dead. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? Because it sure as hell didn't make me feel better, but then again I don't think anything would right about now." Jax said as he answered Jerry's question from before.

***

Chapter 2

~*~*~Sept. 20~*~*~

It had been two days since Jax had made vehemently made his vow to never let alcohol in his life again. Jerry had been hopeful that after such a display Jax would start to get back to his normal self…boy was he wrong. Jax wasn't even a shadow of his former self. He had completely shut himself off from the world, even more so than before. He never answered his phone. Addie and Lady Jane had been on Jerry's case to make sure Jax was okay. They

were very worried about him since neither one of them had been able to reach him. Jerry went daily to check up on him, but there wasn't much he could do. He knew others had been there to see him. Mac, Felicia, V, Robin and surprisingly even Ned had all gone to see him. Every one of them thought they had made some progress to get through to him because he would smile and nod, make small talk, say he was fine, say he would be out and about soon,

but he never made good on it.

That afternoon when Jerry arrived at Jerry's penthouse he found Jax in the same clothes he had on the day before, which wasn't anything new; he had to coax him to shower and dress everyday with a reminder that Brenda wouldn't want him to be wallowing in self pity. His meals sat at the table, untouched. For awhile he had wondered why Jax kept ordering meals when he wasn't eating or was barely eating them. When he had questioned Jax about it he

said Ned had been ordering them. Ned? Ned had become awfully friendly with Jax lately. Jerry knew they had both been close to Brenda, one a lover the other a brother. Tragedy really did bring uncommon people together.

The one thing that caught Jerry off guard was Jax ruffling through the newspapers that the maids had piled in the corner. This is good, Jerry thought. At least he's doing something other than sitting around and wallowing and hiding from the world.

"Hey, mate can I help?" Jerry asked as he walked in the penthouse.

Jax looked up, his blue eyes flashing in surprise. His hair a bit scraggly, needing a haircut was wild and untamed. Day old whiskers showed on his face. Jerry took in his messy appearance than noticed the surprise in Jax's eyes had switched to determination.

"Here take this stack." Jax said as he handed a stack of papers to Jerry.

Jerry took the papers and looked at them curiously. "Looking for anything special?"

"Yeah. Anything having to do with Brenda." Jax answered nonchalantly as he sifted through the papers.

"Jax?" Jerry couldn't believe what he had just heard. The articles about Brenda? That's just what would send Jax further into depression.

"You heard me. I have to see them. I have to read them." Still wouldn't look back up as he shifted sitting positions and continued searching the papers.

"But Jax, you were at the scene. You've seen the television reports. You've probably even heard the radio reports. What good is it going to do for you to read about it the accident?"

"I have to believe it happened."

"And you don't now? She isn't here, Jax. She isn't coming back, can't you see that?" Jerry asked. Jax was more deluded than he realized. This did not help his guilty conscience.

Looking up, blue eyes staring into Jerry's brown ones. "Of course I know she's gone, at least my mind does, my heart doesn't."

"What do you mean, by that?"

"I don't know. I just can't believe she's really gone. I figure if I can read the events at the scene of the crime, I'll convince myself no one, not even Brenda could have survived the fall." Jax says as he goes back to looking through the papers. Glances back up at Jerry and asks, "You going to help?"

"Sure, what can the harm be?" Maybe this will get him out of the state he is in, he thinks as he kneels down beside Jax and starts rummaging through his pile of papers.

~*~*~Later that day~*~*~

Jerry and Jax drove towards the same road that Brenda had died on in the opposite direction that she had driven. Jerry drove the car after a heated argument on who would drive, him or Jax. Jerry didn't want Jax driving in the state he had been in for days on end and he had managed to win the argument. It had been nice to argue with him for a change though, maybe he was slowly but surely pulling himself out of this depressing state of grieving.

Jerry turned the radio on because it was too quiet in the car. Jax clung to the paper the screamed the words, Supermodel Brenda Barrett Dead at 25. A cold headline that evoked shock more than an emotion. Jax had glanced at once shaking his head no as he declared that it was the one he was looking for and off they went to the scene. Now he clutched it tightly, wrinkling it as he did, and stared out the window.

The music that filtered the car was too hip hop and happy for the mood Jax was in. He reached over and changed the channel, namely to the local country station to annoy Jerry. He was still upset at him for not allowing him to come out here himself. This was something he wanted to do alone, but Jerry insisted and he didn't have the strength to resist him. He settled back in his seat with a slight smug smile as he watched Jerry's face contort to the

sound of the twang of the singer's voice. But then he listened to the words. The voice was evoking a sad melancholy image while the words evoked memories. Memories of Brenda.

~*~Her hat is hanging by the door

The one she bought in Mexico

It blocked the wind-it stopped the rain

She'd never leave that one

So, she can't be really gone

Memories of dancing in the rain and shopping in LA ran through his mind

~*~The shoes she bought on Christmas Eve

She laughed and said they called her name

It's like they're waiting in the hall

For her to slip them on

So, she can't be really gone

Memories of the little things that she had left around the penthouse. Her running shoes, worn only once were in his closet. Her burgundy shirt she had worn a few days a before the accident lay on the chair in the corner. A sweater she just bought for the winter was hanging in his closet. There were countless other things around that he chose not to notice or remember, but they were there. He knew they were.

~*~I don't know when she'll come back

She must intend to come back

And I've seen the error of my ways

Don't waste the tears on me

What more proof do you need

Just look around the room

So much of her remains

So much of Brenda remained in his life, his home, his heart…What had he done to deserve this pain?

~*~Her book is lying on the bed

The two of hearts to mark her page

Now, who could ever walk away

At chapter twenty-one

He closed his eyes and remembered the Baby Names book that was laying on the nightstand. She was barely a month pregnant and they had been already looking at names. Several pages with names they liked had been dog eared.

~*~So, she can't be really gone

~*~Just look around this room

So much of her remains

~*~Her book is lying on the bed

The two of hearts to mark her page

Now, who could ever walk away

With so much left undone

So, she can't be really gone

No, she can't be really gone…

***

Song credits: Tim Mcgraw "Can't be Really Gone"

**********

Chapter 3

~*~*~Sept. 20 just before sunset~*~*~

Jerry pulled the car over to the side of the road where the accident had happened. He looked over at Jax who trembled slightly as he looked around the scene. Jerry lightly put his hand on Jax's shoulder, which caused him to turn and look at Jerry. "You really want to do this?" Jerry asked. Jax nodded his head yes. Jerry, putting his hand on the door handle and pushing down on it, asked, "You ready to come out?"

"Can you give me a few minutes?"

"Sure, anything you want." Jerry got out of the car, sensing that Jax wanted to be by himself.

The shutting of Jerry's door sounded throughout the car leaving Jax alone with his thoughts. Jerry's last words 'You really want to do this?' ran inside his head a million times. Did he want to get of the car and force himself to face the site and river that took Brenda from him? No. Did he have to? No. Was he going to force himself to? Yes. Why was he going to put himself through this torture? Because he needed to feel and believe that Brenda

and their baby were gone. He didn't think he ever really would, it just wasn't natural thinking, but the pain had to get better at some point. But would it really? Lost dreams and vanished hopes raced around in his already jumbled mind as the hollow sound of Jerry's footsteps outside reminded him of why he was here.

Once outside the car, Jax took a slow look around while his heart beat furiously and a wave of nausea overtook his stomach. If it hadn't been for the remnants of yellow police tape dangling from side road bushes, or the trail of broken branches leading down the cliff into the now clear peaceful blue river, you'd never know what had transpired there only ten days ago. All around him there were flowers and memoriam notes laid by people far and near

whom had been touched by Brenda's short life. He picked up a lone long stemmed rose and read its note dangling from a pink ribbon.

Beauty of the rose

As sweet as it's fragrance

Taken too soon

Now among Heaven's Angels

Loved by many

Known to only a few

Forever in our hearts

She will remain

He didn't bother to wipe away the single tear that made it's way down his cheek. He gently put it back, not really wanting to disturb the rest of the tokens that the people had left in memory of Brenda. He appreciated their gestures, but seeing all this made the pain a little sharper, while at the same time seeing that so many people cared dulled the pain a little. He knew that didn't make any sense, but nothing in this world did right now. He

did however, lean down to caress a wide-eyed worn fuzzy teddy bear, left by a small child, and pick up a fallen burnt out white candle so it was upright.

Before he even said anything, Jax heard Jerry's footsteps come up behind him to approach him. "You okay?" Jerry asked.

Turning around, "Yeah, there's just so many…" He gestured to all the flowers and tokens.

"Yeah, well it's been piling for days. We've been meaning to ask you what to do with all this stuff, but…"

"I've been a little unreasonable." Jax said as he smiled a little.

"That's putting it lightly." Jerry answered smiling back a little.

"They can just stay here for now. I don't know what to do with them. Have you asked Julia what she thinks?"

"She said it should be up to you. You've been more Brenda's family than anyone lately."

Jax nodded his head, but didn't respond. He took one more glance at them and then brought the newspaper to his face so he could begin reading it. He felt Jerry's arm wrap around his shoulders as he unfolded the paper and began reading it out loud.

"After two days of intensive searching, it has been presumed that Brenda Barrett, 25, is dead," Jax began as his voice wavered slightly. Miss Barrett, on the night of Sept. 8th was traveling east bound on the Port Charles Rive Highway when a, now confirmed, drunk Mr. Evan Tano hit her head on. Both of cars spun out of control from the impact and went barreling down the cliff by the side of the road. An unidentified motorist reported the accident.

Once police got on the scene the motorist was found dragging a dead Mr. Tano out of the water and was screaming that there was someone else out there." Jax stopped there. This was something he didn't know about. He had thought he had talked to everyone on the scene once Jerry had called him. How did Jerry know this before him? Why hadn't the police called him?

"Jerry, who was this motorist?" Jerry didn't respond. "Jerry?" No answer. "Dammit Jerry, it was you wasn't it?" As Jax looked in Jerry's eyes, his answered was confirmed as a yes.

"Why Jerry? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I felt guilty enough, I didn't want you blaming me too." Unwrapping his arm away from Jax.

"Blame you? What for you got help there as soon as possible."

"I went after the wrong car. Maybe if I had gotten there sooner I could have reached Brenda before she disappeared"

"Did you see her at all when you got there?" Jax answered searching for any information on Brenda's last minutes that he could.

Jerry shook his head no. "It was dark out, but I did manage to see two cars in the water and one body so that's what I went after. I didn't realize that Brenda's car was one of them until one of the rescue searchers recovered her purse. That's when I called you."

Jax sighed and answered, "Jerry I can't blame you, even if I wanted to. You did what you could. And you've been my biggest support since it happened. I'm more grateful to you than you'll ever realize. I want you to stop feeling guilty and just be my brother, okay."

Smiling, "Okay."

Both stood in peace as the sunset. Jax trying to envision the events in the paper as they happened and then afterwards as he got to the scene when things were wild in confusion for an outsider trying to get information. Jerry envisioning the eerie scene as he had approached it, realizing a moment sooner it would have been him in the river, then guilty because it had been his brother's love and life instead of him.