created by the Swamp Thing Mailing List

<JJ> 1. Big hair can look REAL good on a guy.

2. Just because you're half-plant doesn't mean you can't break out the big can of Whoop-Ass.

3. Sleeveless t-shirts don't make you smarter.

4. Neither do short-shorts.

5. It's okay to trust your heart a little bit.

6. If you see some guy with hedge clippers try to break into your house, it's not a good idea to waste time dialing the phone.

7. Don't go out at night to find magical babes that come out of the water. It only leads to trouble.

8. Compulsive lying only gets you into slave camps in Brazil. Or a posh industrial complex with lots of minions, money, and sex, if you're good at it.

9. Tight jeans never go out of style.

10. How many roads can a Graham walk down, before you can call him a Graham?

11. If some weird guy with broken glasses hands you some big book of Voudoun, and then tells you it's cursed, it might be a good idea not to take it from him.

12. Good help is sooooo hard to find these days.

13. Don't wear earrings bigger than your fist. You might start gaining weight and speaking French in a really bad accent, and then start having all these women around in short-shorts, but if you're male or a lesbian, you won't be able to appreciate it, because this skinny British guy will mess up your plans and you'll turn into a plant, and probably die, except in fanfiction, where you'll mysteriously live.

14. If you're hitchhiking in Houma, don't ask the sheriff for a ride.

15. A British accent can't hurt.

16. DON'T LEAVE HAWAII.

17. If someone asks you if something makes you want to go out and procreate, don't waste the moment.

18. Never audition for a show with a budget lower than what you paid for your Raisin Bran.

19. Don't take life for granted.

20. If you want to drive your mutated rival insane, don't do it, because the soundwaves will make you into this really nice person, but not the GOOD kind of nice, the ANNOYING kind of nice, and then this lady will come on to you and your bald assistant will hate you and you'll start stuffing wads of 1$-bills into people's purses that you don't even know, and it will just be a MESS.

<Dara> 21. Letting your lover test a biorestorative formula on you is probably a bad idea.

22. When you're rowing around a lake with a video camera, for smeg's sake hold on to the bloody thing!

23. Speaking slightly-flawed French will help you score.

24. Hypnosis makes great foreplay.

25. If you see a big green monster in the swamp, don't go blabbing to everybody about it, or you'll end up sharing a padded cell with a lot of wierdos.

26. Don't plot Arcane's downfall, and if you do, don't tell a reporter on the 6 o'clock news.

27. South American terrorists can put a real damper on your love life.

28. So can jealous assistants.

29. "Just say no" to iguana eggs.

30. Before playing around with disembodied brains, make sure they don't have any hideous mental disorders.

<Ann Graham> 31. If trying to make time with a certain jealous evil scienctist's assistant, ensure that he's at least out of the country or you'll end up with your throat ripped out.

32. Torturing someone in front of your spouse is not going to engender warm, fluffy feelings.

33. Letting the enemy restrain you on a torture rack is never a good idea. You might end up 'stretched' to your limits.

<Patty> 34. Never go for a Swamp tour unless you want to see mad cyborgs, crazed mutants and angry swamp monsters.

35. Good always triumphs no matter how stupid it is, while evil always fails no matter how brilliant. (usually because of lack of good help)

36. Assistants are never allowed to act smarter than their Boss.

37. Mousse is good!!!!

38. Mutants are our friends (unless your name is Stella)

39. Mad scientists arn't neccesarily evil, just deeply misunderstood.

40. A good minion is hard to find.

<Sammie> 41. Only use Super-Swamp brand hairspray. It's guarenteed to keep you looking great through humidity, hurricanes, homicidal girl-friends, Possesion by by voodoo demons, turned to stone by Gorgons, stalked by panthers and the odd encounter with mutants, Swamp Thing, Kipps, and assorted villianous cretins.

42. How to call people a "prissy little maggot" and a "Wally" and get away with it.

43. That even dire threats sound nice if said with a british accent.

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