(Click on your browser's "BACK" arrow to return to Sup's Smegging Red Dwarf Page)
Stoke Me a Clipper
Series 7, Episode 2
EPISODE 2 -- STOKE ME A CLIPPER
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Version 1.01
26 January - 02 February, 1997
Last updated: 11 March, 1997
Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk
http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk
Credits for corrections:
Sea, Matt White, Alexandra Brunner, TJ
[-- 1 - Model shot
--------------------------------------------------------]
[Start of pre-titles teaser. An old, propeller-driven transport plane in
flight]
[-- 2 - Int. Aeroplane. Day
-----------------------------------------------]
[Inside the cockpit. Given the uniforms of the visible crew and passengers,
the plane appears to belong to the German army]
[GERMAN CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present. CAPTAIN is stroking
a
large alligator which lays across his lap]
GERMAN CAPTAIN
Where is the girl?
GESTAPO OFFICER
In five minutes she'll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain.
CAPTAIN
Good. And the erstwhile protector?
GESTAPO
In ze cargo hold.
CAPTAIN
Excellent.
CAPTAIN
Ahhh, Ace Rimmer - might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?
ACE
Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop 'em behind my ears and slip
between the ropes. Of course, it's gonna take major orthopaedic surgery
to
put them back, but rest assured: that won't stop me from rescuing the
Princess Bonjella.
CAPTAIN
You're insane, Rimmer. You're out-manned and outgunned.
ACE
You expect me to concede?
CAPTAIN
No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*!
CAPTAIN
Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to
him... then... throw him out of the plane.
GESTAPO
Out!
[-- 3 - Int. Fuselage. Day
------------------------------------------------]
[ACE RIMMER present, struggling with the alligator]
[Enter CAPTAIN, wearing a parachute]
CAPTAIN
Ahh, Mr. Rimmer - sorry I can't stick around for a chat, but I've got
to
blow.
CAPTAIN
Do me a favour will you, and feed Snappy?
ACE
What I would give for a gun.
ACE
Or a bottle of Listerine!
[-- 4 - Ext. Free-fall. Day
-----------------------------------------------]
[ADO: The camera tracks the CAPTAIN in close-up as he falls from the
plane,
before switching to ACE as he manages to loop the rope around the
'gator's
neck. Cut back to the CAPTAIN, and over his shoulder we see the doomed
plane explode as the dynamite detonates]
CAPTAIN
Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary!
ACE
See you later alligator!
[-- 5 - OB. Ground level in a German base. Day ----------------------------]
[We see an open-air yard, somewhere within the base. A firing squad has
been lined up, some distance from a woman in a flowing red dress who is
tied to a wooden post with chains. An officer stands to the right of
the
firing line, shouting commands to the gunners]
ACE
This is my best top, damn it!
ACE
Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later,
and, hopefully, some sex.
PRINCESS
What a guy!
ACE
Hold on, Princess!
PRINCESS
Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!
[SHOT: Close-up of a unit mounted over the bike's handlebars]
ACE
Bet he's a sour Kraut.
GERMAN SOLDIER #1
Er ist davongekommen! Ich kann gar nicht glauben, dass er davongekommen
ist!
[Translation: He got away! I can't believe he got away!]
GERMAN SOLDIER #2
Das war Ace Rimmer! Wir haben Glueck, dass wir noch am Leben sind!
[Translation: That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!]
[Cut to a view of the blue sky, where ACE has miraculously coaxed his
rocket bike's exhaust smoke to sky-write "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be
back
for breakfast" in flowing script]
GERMAN SOLDIER #3
Was fuer ein Kerl!
[Translation: What a guy!]
[------------------
------------------]
[-- 6 - Model/CGI shot
----------------------------------------------------]
[-- 7 - Int. Starbug. Day
-------------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present. They are walking through Starbug's dreary, metal
corridors]
KRYTEN
I simply cannot believe you're going to go through with this, sir.
[KRYTEN, LISTER step through hatchway]
LISTER
I'm a man, Kryten, with a man's urges, and a man's desires.
[LISTER goes OOV]
KRYTEN
Well what about an ice-cold shower, sir?
LISTER
I've used up this year's water supply with ice-cold showers, Kryten. I was
looking at the log this morning: a 112 gallons! If I carry on like this
my
libido's gonna cause a drought.
KRYTEN
You think this is the answer?
[-- 9 - OB. A field in the AR game
----------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN and LISTER walk toward camera across a large field backed by
trees
and shrubs, the sun shining in clear skies. LISTER is dressed in
antique
chainmail and black surcoat like that of a knight, while KRYTEN wears
the
clothes of a squire. Kryten carries a small red book in his hand]
LISTER
Look, I know how it may look from the outside -
KRYTEN
Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, and seducing the
Queen
of Camelot? Words fail me. It's quite the most unchivalrous thing I've
ever heard in my life!
LISTER
Are you my faithful manservant or what?
KRYTEN
I'm ashamed to be with you, sir! I haven't been this embarrassed since
I
was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped
into
Mr. Rimmer's soup.
[-- 10 - OB. A tourney at Camelot within the AR game
----------------------]
[In the grounds of a castle, a large pavilion has been set up, in which are
seated the King and Queen of Camelot. Peasants mill in front of the
pavilion, alongside soldiers and horses]
[KING, QUEEN, spectators present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KING
Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that
dare challenge the King's best knight?
[Enter KING'S KNIGHT]
[FX: Cheers rise from the crowd, and the knight raises a hand in
acknowledgement]
LISTER
I do, sir!
KING
And you are, sir?
LISTER
Lister, of Smeg.
KING
Good knight, do you accept this challenge from... 'Lister of Smeg'?
KING'S KNIGHT
I do, my King.
KING
And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord?
KING'S KNIGHT
I claim nothing, sire. Serving the king is reward enough.
[FX: Cheers from the crowd and the knight holds up a hand modestly]
KING
And you... 'Lister of Smeg', what prize do you claim if you should
defeat
my best knight?
LISTER
I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady...
[FX: Shouts of outrage from the spectators]
KING
'A night and a day in the bed of my good lady'?
QUEEN
We accept ze challenge...
KING
Do we?
QUEEN
Oui, we do.
[TWO-SHOT: In the pavilion, the KING stands to consult with the QUEEN]
KING
My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private...
QUEEN
Do you not 'ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where 'e
stands?
KING
I do! Sort of.
QUEEN
Zen we accept.
KING
Good knight - bring me this knave's manhood on a silver platter -
LISTER
'Ey, steady!
KING
- then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows!
[FX: Cheers from the crowd once more]
LISTER
This is worse than playing away at Leeds!
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER, KING'S KNIGHT; departing to their horses]
QUEEN
When mah lace 'ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall
commence!
[-- 11 - OB. Jousting range
-----------------------------------------------]
LISTER
I just lurve that accent... rrrrrrarrr!
KRYTEN
If I were you, Mr. Galahad, sir, I'd concentrate on memorising your
cheats
book.
LISTER
Cheat one: codeword 'steadcheat' Haa!
[-- 12 - OB. By the pavilion
----------------------------------------------]
[KING, QUEEN present]
[Enter LISTER, removing his helmet]
LISTER
I claim my prize, my lord.
KING
You are the scurviest knave in Christendom! And I swear to you: your
scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed!
[FX: Cheers from the crowds]
LISTER
Cheat 2: codeword 'chastitycheat'
KRYTEN
Scum! Absolute scum.
[Exit KRYTEN]
KING
If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg has a grain of honour in his
soul,
that tent will part this very instant -
[Cut to tent, which begins shaking rhythmically]. Cut back to KING]
KING
- and he will return to me my lady, and beg the King's forgiveness!
LISTER
Has anybody got any whipped cream?
KING
'Whipped cream'?
[-- 13 - Ext. Deep Space --------------------------------------------------]
[ACE's Dimension jumping ship is streaming through space]
COMPUTER VOICE [VO]
Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.
ACE [VO]
Understood, computer. Prepare to jump.
[-- 14 - OB. The AR tourney
-----------------------------------------------]
[Scene cuts back to the AR game, viewpoint centered around the tent]
[KRYTEN present, outside the shaking tent, LISTER present within.
Suddenly
all the scenery around LISTER and KRYTEN suddenly vanish, leaving them
alone in an empty field. LISTER is now wearing only a long undershirt
and
looks very disappointed>
LISTER
Hey!! What's happening?
KRYTEN
Power failure, sir! Electrics are going down.
[LISTER and KRYTEN fade]
[-- 15 - Int. AR Suite
----------------------------------------------------]
[Sirens blare and alert lights are flashing madly. KRYTEN and LISTER
remove
their electrodes and sensors. Along the way, LISTER has removed his
pants
and has acquired an obviously designed device which fits over his
groin. Mercifully out of shot, he begins to remove it as they speak]
LISTER
The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is
happening?
KRYTEN
Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.
[-- 16 - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, in 'maximum jog' mode, darts through a hatchway at the far end of
the corridor and waddles speedily towards camera, heading toward the
cockpit]
[-- 17 - Model shot
-------------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug caught in the midst of a rippling disturbance. The craft is
being
buffeted violently]
[-- 18 - Int. Starbug cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, RIMMER present. Both are attempting to coax some reaction from the
many consoles and panels ranged before them while avoiding showers of
sparks thrown out by the sensitive equipment. Sirens and alerts
continue
to throw the scene into wild illumination, and RIMMER is spraying a
hand-held fire extinguisher liberally around the cockpit]
CAT
I'm locked out! Everything's dead! Steering's down, thrusters are
down
and we're heading straight for that ion storm in sector 12!
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN, assuming stations]
RIMMER
Morning!
KRYTEN
What the smeeee is going on?
RIMMER
A power drain is knocking out all the generators!
LISTER
Cause?
CAT
An object of such awesome power and charisma it's flattened all the
grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it's some kind of craft
Dimension Jumping.
KRYTEN
Any ident details?
RIMMER
The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this
it
was 'Captain Smug Git' himself: 'Ace Rimmer'. Dear God, don't make it be
him, I couldn't bear it.
CAT
This is the JMC transport ship 'Starbug' opening channels, please
identify
yourselves.
[SHOT: Close up of a monitor panel; camera POV of ACE, seated in his
craft's
cockpit]
ACE [Mic]
Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing,
fellas?
CAT
Ace, buddy! How're you doin'?
ACE [Mic]
All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit
you're
wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that
have
been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into
someone's eye.
CAT
Wow, that's sharp. Thanks buddy!
RIMMER
According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never
be enough.
[-- 19 - Model shot
-------------------------------------------------------]
[Int. The recent miraculous expansion of Starbug has left it equipped
with
a fully functional docking bay, which ACE's ship now occupies. Camera
pans
by ACE's ship]
[-- 20 - Int. Airlock
-----------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]
[Enter ACE]
LISTER
Ace - good to see ya! How're you doing?
ACE
Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a
minor
calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't
know
what day it is.
KRYTEN
So, what have you been up to, sir?
ACE
Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few
dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my
highlights done.
[Exit ACE]
CAT
What a guy!
[-- 21 - Int. Starbug mid-section
-----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present, seated at the main table and watching ACE's arrival on a
monitor screen. As he sees Cat leave the docking bay after ACE, he turns
the monitor off with a voice command, a disgusted look twisting face]
RIMMER
Off!
[Enter ACE, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT]
ACE
So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?
RIMMER
I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun
researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our
entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together
with
it's fellows.
CAT
I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can catch up! For
starters
you can tell me the name of your stylist!
ACE
Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.
[CAT preens and begins to slink towards the cockpit]
ACE
Incidentally, it's AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for
Alfonce.
CAT
Yeoooowww, yeeah!
[ACE starts to climb the stairs leading to the sleeping quarters]
ACE
Arnie, up for a stroll?
RIMMER
Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste
and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.
ACE
I'll take that as a 'no', then.
[Exit ACE]
LISTER
Oh Rimmer, go with him.
RIMMER
I don't want to.
KRYTEN
But, sir, he wants you to.
RIMMER
And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don't
always get what we want.
LISTER
But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.
RIMMER
The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and
a rabid hamster!
RIMMER
Oh all *right*. I'm going. God!
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 22 - Int. Corridor outside sleeping quarters
--------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, ACE]
RIMMER
Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They're about
fifty
yards down there on the right. Bye!
[Exit RIMMER, through a hatch to a side corridor]
ACE
I think - I may need some help here, Arn.
[-- 23 - Int. Guest sleeping quarters
-------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, ACE. RIMMER drags the half-conscious ACE, slumped over
his
hard-light shoulder, through the hatchway, and ACE collapses onto the
bed]
RIMMER
I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they're around, but as
soon
as no-one's watching you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend. What's the
problem? Travel sickness? The strap on your padded codpiece too tight
again?
ACE
Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic but, I'm afraid I'm... on the way
out.
RIMMER
You're what?
ACE
About to visit the great airfield in the sky. Lose all my breathing
privileges.
RIMMER
You're dying?
ACE
You've got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry.
RIMMER
You're really dying?
ACE
Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.
ACE
I mean it, Arn!
RIMMER
Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?
ACE
The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just
generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.
RIMMER
And you think, I'm your man?
ACE
It's your destiny, Arnie.
RIMMER
What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?
ACE
You're just afraid, old son. Afraid that you're not good enough.
You've
always wanted to play the hero.
RIMMER
I'm not you. I think we established that in your last visit.
ACE
I'm not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.
ACE
He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I'm a
hard
light hologram, just like you.
RIMMER
Ace is dead?
ACE
I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.
[O/S: Ace opens his jacket and sickly green light spills out, beams
eerily
illuminating Rimmer's shocked face]
RIMMER
My god! What *is* that stuff?
ACE
Light Bee's been hit pretty bad, it's a power leakage.
Electro-magnetic
radiation; I haven't got long. About the time I usually like to spend
making love - say, 12 hours, maybe less. After that I'll be too weak to
train you.
ACE
What do you say?
[BEAT]
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 24 - Model/CGI shot
---------------------------------------------------]
[Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet]
[-- 25 - Int. Medical unit
------------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, ACE present. ACE sits back on the diagnosis couch while LISTER
fiddles with controls and consoles]
ACE
It's part of the legend, I'm not the first Ace, not even the second.
There have been, well, let's just say 'more than a couple'. As one Ace
dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start
off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.
LISTER
We're talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers
under
tables with a colander on his head.
ACE
Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.
LISTER
And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book's got a
spine.
ACE
Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him; persuade him.
[-- 26 - Int. Starbug mid-section
-----------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present, seated at the table, reading a book]
[Enter LISTER]
RIMMER
What is it? What's the joke?
LISTER
Nothin', nothin'.
RIMMER
Well clearly it's not 'nothing'. Clearly you've just heard something
terribly amusing, clearly.
LISTER
It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the
next
Ace Rimmer --
RIMMER
Yes, sadly I've got to sort out my shoe collection, or I'd have jumped
at
it like a shot.
LISTER
It's just, you, y'know? The next Ace... The very idea.
RIMMER
It's not so ridiculous, Lister!
[-- 27 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, taking his seat with an amused smile]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn't needed
around here so badly, I think I'd very likely take him up on it.
LISTER
Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next
Ace?
I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic,
underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get
real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you.
RIMMER
Well *that*, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong,
because I've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins...
RIMMER
...right now.
[Exit RIMMER, leaving LISTER alone with his smile]
[-- 28 - Int. AR Suite
----------------------------------------------------]
[ACE, RIMMER present]
[Ace has patched himself and Rimmer into the AR machine. Each occupy one
seat of the machine]
[-- 29 - Ext. A mountain vista
--------------------------------------------]
[ADO: ACE and RIMMER are both seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily
high above a snow-covered mountain range]
[RIMMER, ACE present]
RIMMER
Er, why have you brought me here?
ACE
Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you
must be to become Ace Rimmer.
RIMMER
No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.
ACE
Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie.
Unleash the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running
free and unfettered through the mountains.
RIMMER
Be the what?
ACE
Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!
ACE
See the cougar, Arnie? It's you; can you see it?
RIMMER
Err, sort of.
[-- 30 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]
[Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet]
[-- 31 - Int. ACE's Quarters
----------------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Oh, I'll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up.
[Enter ACE; walking with effort, he slumps against the entry hatch]
ACE
All your life you've given up.
RIMMER
Well, maybe after more training!
ACE
I can't keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It's now or never.
RIMMER
What's that?
ACE
Light Bee Remote.
ACE
If you can fool your crew-mates into thinking you're me, we'll know
you're
ready.
RIMMER
But I'm not ready!
ACE
Try it the other way around.
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 32 - Int. Corridor within Starbug
-------------------------------------]
RIMMER
"The name's Rimmer,"
RIMMER
Oh, this is ridiculous.
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Ah, Mr. Ace, sir. Everything okay?
RIMMER
What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie.
RIMMER
Uh-huh, yeah, everything's fine.
KRYTEN
Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?
RIMMER
Errr, could you be more specific?
KRYTEN
Er, 67% more weasely.
RIMMER
Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around,
a
holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie's got it. I've
quarantined him for twenty-four hours; no one's to go near him.
KRYTEN
Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we've run out of bacofoil about six
months
ago; I don't suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?
RIMMER
Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a -- Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old
friend; afraid not, catch you later.
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- 33 - Int. Corridors outside AR suite
----------------------------------]
[RIMMER enters, still looking uneasy, and perhaps planning to return to
ACE's mountain simulation. He turns a corner and notices thick white
smoke
roiling around the entrance to the suite. Puzzled he begins to
investigate. Suddenly, the door to the AR unit clangs open; and through
the smoke, a figure walks purposefully out. We see he is dressed in the
same armour and surcoat as the King's Knight from Lister's AR game. RIMMER
shrinks back against the wall, unsure of what is happening]
KING'S KNIGHT
I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called 'Lister
of Smeg'.
RIMMER
Now wait a minute, old friend, let's just stay calm, shall we?
KING'S KNIGHT
Are you one of his household?
RIMMER
Errr, in a manner of speaking...
KING'S KNIGHT
Then prepare to die!
RIMMER
Let's talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted
muffins?
RIMMER
Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream? Dundee cake?
Battenburg??
RIMMER
My God! I did it!
[Exit RIMMER]
[SHOT: we see the word 'BLANK' written on the blue cartridge, which the
knight temporarily places on the bazookoid's shelf, before taking out a
second, red, cartridge]
[SHOT: we see the word 'LIVE' written on the red cartridge which the
knight
jams into the bazookoid's ammunition chamber. He then picks up the
cartridge of blanks]
LISTER
So far -
LISTER
- so good.
[-- 34 - Int. ACE's Quarters
----------------------------------------------]
[ACE present, laid back on the bunk in obvious discomfort]
[Enter RIMMER, running and excited]
RIMMER
I did it! That's the most heroic thing I've done since I set fire to
Stinky Bateman's turn-ups in third from prep!
ACE
Well done, Arnie; you've done us proud.
Smoke me a kipper... I'll be back for --
[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]
CAT
What's happenin', bro? What's happened to goalpost head?
RIMMER
No, you don't understand. It's not me, it's him.
KRYTEN
Sir, you're in shock - the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer.
CAT
What happened?
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It's killed
Rimmer.
LISTER
*Isn't that right, Ace*?
[-- 35 - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------]
[ALL present]
LISTER
We should give Rimmer a decent send-off, y'know. It's the least he
deserves.
KRYTEN
I just can't believe it.
CAT
Neither can I. I was only insulting him just this morning.
KRYTEN
Poor Mr. Rimmer. I haven't felt this wretched since Spare Head #3 told
me
the others held a poll, and voted *me* the 'big-eared, ugly one'.
[-- 36 - Model/CGI shot
---------------------------------------------------]
[Starbug flies through a ghostly illuminated nebula]
[-- 37 - Int. Gantry within Starbug
---------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Heyy. Decided what you're gonna do?
RIMMER
I thought I'd stick around here for a bit. "Get the hang of the
character, as it were".
RIMMER
What's that?
LISTER
Ace asked me to fit it. Said it would take his coffin to its 'final
resting place', alongside all the other Ace Rimmers. He's left some more
beacons behind for the Ace's that follow you.
RIMMER
I'm getting cold feet, Listy. I'm not sure I can go through with it.
*Leave*, I mean. *Be* Ace.
LISTER
You heard what he said; it's your destiny.
RIMMER
It's my destiny to be a smug, self-satisfied git?
LISTER
Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different *kind*
of Ace, it's up to you.
Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said
it might make you change your mind.
[-- 38 - Room within Starbug
---------------------------------------------]
[The room, like all others within Starbug, is dreary, dirty and metallic,
though here a podium has been set up close to one wall, and a row of
chairs
line another, in which the Dwarfers sit]
[KRYTEN present, standing at the podium. LISTER, RIMMER, CAT present,
seated. The mood is solemn, and even LISTER has dressed for the
occasion:
he fidgets uncomfortably with the stick-on tie he wears over his
t-shirt]
KRYTEN
We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer. On
occasion he was a small-minded, bureaucratic, incompetent, cowardly
little -- person, er, but he also had his good qualities.
CAT
Those *were* his good qualities!
KRYTEN
To say something about the finer side of his nature, I'd like to turn
now
to Mr Lister.
LISTER
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch has finally joined his master. The
man
who kept his underpants on coat-hangers and sewed name labels into his
ship-
issue condoms has gone. Life will never be the same.
We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man
the
Space Corps - no, no - the *universe* has ever known. No one ever
pressed
for a Coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift -
well, actually, that's not true: we all did but what the smeg, this is
his
eulogy.
He didn't have very many friends, but those that he did have were with
him
at the end. Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow.
[Camera pans along the seated Dwarfers, stopping at a fourth chair upon
sits Rachel, the inflatable doll, dressed in widow's black]
LISTER
See ya smeg 'ead.
CAT
Later, bud.
KRYTEN
Goodbye Mr. Smeeee Heeee.
RIMMER
Bye, Ironballs.
LISTER
Finally this: When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly
brought
him back as a hologram, to keep me sane - never an easy task. He
succeeded
spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this: Kryten,
place *First Officer* Rimmer's decoration into the coffin.
KRYTEN
Right away, sir.
LISTER
Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer.
ALL
First Officer Rimmer.
[-- 39 - Model/CGI sequence
-----------------------------------------------]
[Following the coffin, it leads the Dwarfers through a swirling warp of
some kind before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar
capsules. The camera pans back and we see that the hundred are actually
thousands upon millions upon billions - panning out further and further
until the billions we saw are in fact a tiny piece of a huge glowing band,
a band which, in turn, is the majestic ring of an enormous gas giant>
[-- 40 - Int. Starbug cockpit
---------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
RIMMER
All those Rimmers...
LISTER
They all did it. They all became Ace; passed on the flame. Are you
really gonna be the one to break the chain?
[-- 41 - Int. Starbug docking area
----------------------------------------]
[ACE's ship sits, powered up, on the launching platform, the newly-reborn
ACE RIMMER seated in the cockpit]
[ALL present]
ACE RIMMER
It's been a blast, fellers.
LISTER
Bye, man.
CAT
Bye, dude.
KRYTEN
Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.
ACE RIMMER
Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever.
ACE RIMMER
Just had to say one last goodbye!
ACE RIMMER
Seeya, Davey boy.
LISTER
Yeah, good luck, man...
[-- 42 - Model/CGI shot
---------------------------------------------------]
[Deep space. ACE RIMMER's ship sweeps across shot and away, leaving
Starbug
to chug ever onward through space]
[---------------------- END OF "STOKE ME A CLIPPER"
-----------------------]
[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor
and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended.
Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk"
Thanks.]