Quotes

Giles: 'Why should anyone want to harm Cordielia?'
Willow: 'Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?' - Witch

Giles: 'Xander's taken to teasing the unfortunate?'
Buffy: 'Uh huh.'
Giles: 'And, there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?'
Buffy: 'Yes.'
Giles: 'And, otherwise, all of his spare time is spent lounging around with imbeciles?'
Buffy: 'It's bad, isn't it?'
Giles: 'It's devastating: he's turned into a sixteen year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.'
Buffy: 'Giles, I'm serious!'
Giles: 'So am I... except for the part about killing him. Testosterone is a great equalizer; it turns all men into morons.' - The Pack

Xander: 'It's not what you think!'
Willow: 'You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?'
Xander: 'Oh, well, I guess it is what you think.' - Witch

Willow: '... Her mom is...'
Buffy: 'Nazi-like?'
Willow: 'Heil!' - Invisible Girl

Willow: 'I need to sit down.'
Buffy: 'You are sitting down.'
Willow: 'Oh, good for me.' - The Harvest

Buffy: 'Which one do you think Owen will like better: the red or the peach?'
Xander: 'Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine.'
Buffy: 'Thanks. I'll go with the peach.' - Never Kill A Boy On The First Date

Xander: 'Buffy, come on. Wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.'
Buffy: 'What, saving my life, getting slashed in the ribs?'
Xander: 'Duh!' - Angel

Xander: 'You're in love with a vampire? What, are you out of your mind?'
Cordelia: 'What?'
Xander: 'Not vampire. How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em.' - Angel

Xander: 'So Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?'
Buffy: 'Xander!'
Xander: 'I mean, how'd the laying go last night? No,wait, I don't mean that either.'

Buffy: 'So Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?'
Giles: 'How about the end of the world?'
Buffy: 'Knew I could count on you.' - Welcome to Hellmouth

Buffy: 'There's one. --Oh please, look at his jacket, he's got the sleeves rolled up, and the shirt. Deal with that outfit.'
Giles: 'It's dated?'
Buffy: 'Carbon-dated. Only someone whose been underground for ten years would think that's then look.' - Welcome to Hellmouth

Flutie: 'You burned down the gym.'
Buffy: 'I did...I really did-but you have to look at the big picture. The gym was full of vampi-asbestos.' - Welcome to Hellmouth

Cordilia: 'John Tesh'
Buffy: 'The devil' - Welcome to Hellmouth

Buffy: 'I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus, and I don't care!'
Giles: 'Then why are you here?'
Buffy: 'To...tell you...that...I don't care...which...I don't...and...have now told you...so...bye!' - Welcome to Hellmouth

Giles: 'Something's coming. Something is gonna' happen here...soon!'
Buffy: 'Gee, can you vague that up for me?' - Welcome to Hellmouth

Buffy: 'That's all cryptic-guy said: Fork guy.'
Giles: 'I think there are too many guys in your life.'- Teacher's Pet

Willow: 'I don't actually date alot, recently.'
Buffy: 'Why not?'
Willow: 'Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all. I... I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.' - Welcome To The Hellmouth

Xander: (refering to Buffy) 'So, it's pretty much like we're going out.'
Willow: 'Yeah, except without the hugging or kissing...or her knowing about it.' - Witch

Blayne: 'Girls really gotta' have something to go with me.'
Xander: 'Something like a lobotomy?' - Teacher's Pet

Giles: 'Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me?'
Xander: 'What? So... there's homework now? When did that happen?'
Buffy: 'It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage.'
Xander: 'What part do you have?'
Buffy: 'I'm gonna find out all I can about Mitch. His attack wasn't random.'
Xander: 'I want that part!'
Buffy: 'Fine, you can do it. Ask around, talk to his friends; talk to Cordelia.'
Xander: 'Talk to Cordelia?! So, research, eh?' - Invisible Girl

Xander: 'So, you just went home?'
Buffy: 'What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, 'Sorry I was late. I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass'?'
Xander: 'Or, 'Flat tire'?' - Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

Miss Calendar: 'Uh, I'm sorry to bring this up, but we also have an apocalypse to worry about!'
Xander: 'Do you mind?!'
Willow: 'How come she's in the club?'

Willow: 'We have to get to the library.'
Cordelia: 'The library ... great.' (drives toward the school building)
Willow: 'Of course, we generally walk there.'

Buffy: 'Who are you?'
Angel: 'Let's just say I'm a friend.'
Buffy: 'Well, maybe I don't want a friend!'
Angel: 'I didn't say I was yours.' - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Master: 'You were destined to die; it was written!'
Buffy: 'What can I say? I flunked the written.' - Prophecy Girl

Giles: 'You've enslaved yourself to this, this... cult?'
Buffy: 'You don't like the colors?' - The Witch

Buffy: 'Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.'
Mom: 'This is Gidget hair - don't they teach you anything in History?' - The Witch

Xander: 'You're looking at my neck!'
Angel: 'What?'
Xander: 'You were checking-out my neck. I saw that.'
Angel: 'No, I wasn't.'
Xander: 'Keep your distance, pal!'
Angel: 'I wasn't looking at your neck...'
Xander: '...I told you to eat before we left!'

Buffy: 'Giles, to every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.'
Giles: 'If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least helped.'
Buffy: 'Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role, and watch.'
Xander: 'And mock.'
Willow: 'And laugh.' - The Puppet Show

Giles: 'Well, it's been so nice talking to you.'
Ms. Calendar: 'We were fighting.'
Giles: 'Must do it again sometime. Bye now.' - I Robot, You Jane

Buffy: '... access launch codes for our nuclear missles.'
Giles: 'Destroy the world's economy.'
Buffy: 'I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missle thing.'
Giles: 'You're right, yours was best.' - I Robot, You Jane

Giles: 'I'm just going to stay and clean up a little, I'll be back in the Middle Ages.'
Ms. Calendar: 'Did you ever leave?' - I Robot, You Jane

Buffy: 'See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.'
Giles: 'I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.' - Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

Giles: 'My calculations are precise.'
Buffy: 'They're bad calculations. Bad!' - Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

Angel: 'They really don't like me dropping in.'
Buffy: 'Why not?'
Angel: 'They really don't like me.' - The Harvest

Giles: 'You have a date?'
Buffy: 'Yes, but I will return those overdue books by tomorrow.'
Giles: 'You're not getting off that easily!'
Owen: 'Man, you really care about your work!' - Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

Giles: 'They came after me, but I was more than a match for them.'
Buffy: 'Meaning?'
Giles: 'I hid.' - Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

Xander: 'Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me. On a date.'
Buffy: 'I don't know what to say.'
Xander: 'Well, you're not laughing. That's a good start.' - Prophecy Girl

Xander: 'Guess who.'
Willow: 'Uh, Xander?'
Xander: 'Yeah, but keep guessing anyway.'
Willow: 'Xander?'
Xander: 'Oh, I can't fool you. You see right through my petty charade.' - I Robot-You Jane

Cordelia: 'All I can think is, 'It could have been me!'
Xander: 'We can dream.' - The Puppet Show

Buffy: 'I'm not just some crazy person. I'm the Slayer.'
Xander: 'The Dummy Slayer?' - The Puppet Show

Xander: 'I'm sick. I need help.'
Willow: 'Don't I know it.' - Nighmares

Cordelia: 'I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down.'
Willow: 'Nausea?' - Invisible Girl

Buffy: 'What if you guys get really, really intense, and then you find out he has a hairy back?'
Willow: 'Well, no, he doesn't talk like somebody who would have a hairy back.' - I, Robot-You Jane

Willow: 'What could a demon possibly want from me?'
Xander: 'What's the square root of eight hundred and forty-one?'
Willow: 'Twenty-nine. Oh yeah.' - The Puppet Show

Buffy: 'Well, I'm not constantly monitoring his health, his moods, his blood pressure...'
Willow: '130 over 80.' - The Pack

Xander: 'What are you vixens up to?'
Willow: 'Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh look, a cockroach.' - Angel

Xander: 'I once drank an entire gallon of gatorade without taking a breath.'
Willow: 'It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.' - Angel

Buffy: 'You want Xander, you've gotta' speak up, girl!'
Willow: 'No, no, no, no. No speaking up, that way leads to madness and sweaty palms.' - Angel

Buffy: 'It's weird, though. In this way, I feel like he's still watching me.'
Willow: 'Well, in a way he sort of is...in the way of that he's right over there.' - Angel

Xander: 'This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but...where did they put his head?'
Willow: 'Good point. I didn't want to hear that.' - Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

Buffy: 'It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hang out with me.'
Willow: 'Aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?'
Buffy: 'I can't do both?"
Willow: 'Not legally.' - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Willow: 'We're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.'
Buffy: 'How come?'
Willow: 'He stole my Barbie.' - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Cordelia: 'Ok so, how do we save it?'
Willow: 'Deliver'
Cordelia: 'Deliver, where's that?' (hits del.) - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Willow: 'I sorta stumbled on to them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.'
Xander: 'Someone's been naughty.' - Welcome to the Hellmouth

Buffy: 'This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.'
Xander: 'In other words, I'm safe.' - The Puppet Show

Buffy: 'See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books and then they learn things.'
Giles: 'I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.' - Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Giles: 'My calculations are precise.'
Buffy: 'They're bad calculations. Bad!' - Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Buffy: 'She certainly looks perky.'
Xander: 'Yeah. Color in the cheeks, bounce in the step. I don't like it. It's not healthy.' - I Robot-You Jane

Buffy: 'We are totally overreacting!'
Xander: 'But it's fun, isn't it?' - I Robot-You Jane

Xander: 'What, I can't have information sometimes?'
Giles: 'It's just somewhat unprecedented.' - I Robot-You Jane

Cordelia: 'Hello, dufus? You're in my light.'
Xander: 'Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe and the rest of us merely revolve around her?'
Cordelia: 'Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?' - Nightmares

Miss Calendar: 'You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?'
Buffy: 'We're literary.'
Xander: 'To read makes our speaking English good.' - I Robot-You Jane

Xander: 'Oh, hey, do you want to come to our place for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place.'
Willow: 'Xander, do you guys even have a stove?' - Invisible Girl

Cordelia: 'Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight.'
Xander: 'Can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities?' - Invisible Girl

Cordelia: 'Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday, with the coronation and everything, but, um, I guess I just want to say thank you. All of you.'
Xander: 'That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia.' - Invisible Girl

Buffy: 'Tell me the truth. How's my hair?'
Xander: 'It's great. It's your best hair ever.' - I Robot-You Jane

Giles: 'Does this look familiar to either of you?'
Buffy: 'Yeah, sure. It looks like a book.'
Xander: 'I knew that one.' - I Robot-You Jane



[ Buffy Humor MainPage ]