The Covenant - story number six
Someone to Watch
Over You
by Otterlady (06/26/2000)
He knew he was dreaming. Or at least he hoped he was dreaming for the place he found himself was a little scarier than he liked.
White on white. But not a pure blank white. The walls seemed to shimmer if he tried to look at them too closely. Sort of like when you looked at white stones under water, or the stars in the night sky. Or something he remembered from a long time ago but evaded him now.
The floor and the ceiling were a bit more solid, but they reminded him of the opal ring his Babka had. The one she'd let him hold up against the light and watch the reflected colors sparkle. Sort of like that.
But the one thing that really unnerved him was the being standing tall and majestic in front of him. He didn't remember seeing it come into the room. Heck, he couldn't even see a door. It - she, he, whatever - just suddenly appeared there. The creature startled him so badly that he'd stepped back a pace and reached for his gun.
Which wasn't there.
And that he didn’t like at all. Looking down at himself, he realized that he was clad in all white too. Material that flowed and billowed around him like a cloud. But he felt no wind. Didn't feel the cloth or whatever it was moving against his skin. In fact, he couldn't feel his skin.
The being cleared its throat and he looked back up at it with trepidation. Only the creature had changed in appearance. Instead of the imposing, towering figure that had stood there just a moment before, he saw someone who looked rather ordinary. And definitely male. And just a little bit like Hutch.
"I'm so sorry, David. I didn't mean to frighten you. Please, sit down. We need to talk." The man's (man?) voice was strong, yet soft at the same time. Again, just a little like his partner.
Starsky looked around and realized that there was a chair now placed behind him. <This place is getting weirder by the minute. I hope I wake up soon.> For some reason the thought of waking made his chest hurt and he thought he could hear the faint sounds of voices and a very irritating beeping. Then the man said his name again and the sounds were gone.
"We really haven't much time, David. And we have much to talk about. Please, sit down."
Starsky saw no reason to stand there in that white robe and sat down on the chair. The man smiled at him and the hurt in his chest lessened. "Thank you. Now, I know that this is probably a little confusing for you, but it's important that you make a decision now." His smile turned a little sad. Starsky felt the sudden, overwhelming need to wipe that sadness away. That look was far too much like the one he hated seeing in Hutch's eyes.
"What decision? And what place is this, anyway? And you are you?" He knew his voice sounded more than a bit hostile. But that was because this creature was making him more than a bit nervous.
Again, that too-Hutch-like smile. "Well, I guess I'll answer the easiest one first. You may call me Rafe. This place? This place is the space between here and there, now and then. Past and future. Asleep and awake. Life and death. What will be and what might have been. All of those and none of those. I'm afraid I can't explain it any better than that." Rafe waited a moment while Starsky tried to follow what he'd told him.
"You mean...wait. Just let me think for a minute." None of what this, this *Rafe* said made sense. Between here and there? What kind of answer was that? Then one other thing that the man had said pushed at him. "Life and death." And the image of a police unit coming at him with the muzzle of an Uzi pointed at him flashed through his mind.
He had to move.
Jumping up from the chair, he took a couple of steps before he realized that he was no longer wearing the white robe. He was now clad in his familiar blue jeans, the plain white, long-sleeved shirt that for some reason he'd decided to wear that morning, and his favorite leather jacket. Except now that white shirt was no longer white. There were red splotches covering the front of it. And more on his jacket.
The pain in his chest was back. And that beeping noise was louder in his ears. The room seemed to swim around him and he stumbled over his own feet. Rafe was suddenly beside him. Looking up into those compassionate eyes, he had another memory flash. Only this one was from a long time ago.
****
Dark alley, hiding behind the dubious shelter of a trash can, the young boy tried to quiet his shuddering breathing. David could hear the slap of running shoes as his pursuers turned into the alley. The catcalls and the names. But he kept quiet, not answering to the dares. He knew what they wanted. And he knew that if they found him he wouldn't survive it.
Another voice overrode the menacing ones. A calm, steady voice that caused the hairs on the back of the boy's neck to stand up. "What do you want with this "Jew-boy" young man?" There was a yelp David took the chance of looking out from behind his refuge. To gape at the sight of Robby Casele, the biggest, meanest kid in the neighbourhood, dangling by his collar. Held in the grip of a tall, blond man in a policeman's uniform.
"I think, young Robby, that you should forget hurting others and concentrate on taking care of yourself." The policeman's voice, while soft and very steady, held such a threat of retribution that David swallowed in shared fright. And the look on Robby's face was so odd that David was almost afraid for him.
The policeman lowered Robby to his feet and smoothed his collar. Then he did something so odd that David almost gasped. The policeman laid his hand on Robby's head and ran his hand down the back of the black hair. "You're a good boy under all that anger, my son. Try to remember that. Now go and think about who else was Jewish."
Robby looked up at the tall, blond man and smiled a smile so sweet and full of awed innocence that David was thunderstruck. Then he gathered up his friends that had been standing there mesmerized and walked out of the alley. Leaving David alone with the policeman.
"You can come out now, David. Robby won't bother you again."
Something in that voice reassured him. And made him want to trust. Something he had found so difficult to do since his father died. David stood up; surprised to find his legs trembling but the smile that the policeman turned on him gave him strength.
"Who...who are you?" The question was out before David could stop it.
"Just a friend, David. Just a friend." The man stood tall before him. Back straight, eyes kind, blond hair glittering in the light cast by the streetlamp at the end of the alley. David felt a little curiosity at the fact that the man didn't have his policeman's cap on and that his hair was longer than regulation, but it passed almost unnoticed when the man touched his head. Just like he'd touched Robby's. A feeling of such peace and contentment flooded through him that he had to swallow a couple of times before he could ask his next question.
"Did you know my dad?"
"Yes, David. I know your dad very well. And I know that he loves you a great deal." David didn't notice that the man was using the present tense when he spoke of David's deceased father. "Now, you go on home. Your mother is worried about you."
He patted David on the head. A gesture so like the one his father used to do that he felt a lump form in his throat. Smiling up at his rescuer, he turned to leave when the man's voice stopped him. "David, remember that no matter what happens, everything's going to be all right. And remember that your father will always love you. Forever."
David looked back over his shoulder to discover that the man was gone. He stared in amazement for a second, then took off running for home.
****
Starsky stared up into those loving blue eyes, trying to fit the pieces together when another memory drifted in.
****
The rooftop was full of light and shadows. His eyes, which had stopped being reliable a couple of hours ago, tried to focus on one shadow. The one that seemed to shine in the dark. His partner. Then he saw another shadow move and saw the gun in the man's hand and knew that it was Bellamy and that he had the drop on Hutch. And he knew that it was up to him to save Hutch. Bellamy may have killed him already but there was no way he was going to let him kill his partner too.
Starsky lifted his gun and tried to focus his blurred eyes. The gun wavered in his grasp and he felt despair wash through him. <God, please help me. I don't think I have the strength.>
Suddenly, his eyes cleared, his hands steadied and he felt as if someone was holding him up. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a light glowing. But he had no time to wonder at that. Aiming at Bellamy as he started to rise up to shoot the unawares Hutch, he pulled the trigger. Again and again. Bellamy fell lifeless to the rooftop. Hutch looked at Starsky for a brief moment then hurried to Bellamy.
Starsky's eyes started to blur again but not before he turned his head and looked at the light that had started to surround him. Within that warm light stood a figure. He couldn't make out details of the man's body but he saw the face clearly. It was the same face as the policeman in that alley so many years before. The face that he realized looked so similar to that of his best friend.
The best friend who was suddenly there, taking the gun from his hand. Starsky tried to focus on the man in the light but he was almost blind. The last thing he saw as he slid down the wall, was the look of fear, grief, and resignation on Hutch's face. The best friend he loved and had sacrificed the last hope of his own life to protect.
Somewhere in the darkness, he heard a kind voice whisper to him. At first, he thought it was Hutch's, then he recognized it. "Everything's going to be all right, David. Believe that. Everything's going to be all right." And as the darkness claimed him, he knew that he would be safe.
****
"You.... You're the man from the alley. And the roof." Starsky tried to pull himself upright, but he felt so weak that he sagged into the man's hold instead.
"David, sit down. Time is running out and you have to make your decision." Rafe guided the weakening Starsky back to the chair.
Starsky gasped for air. The pain in his chest was stronger and the beeping sound had changed to a persistent whine that set his teeth on edge. It was all he could do to find his voice. "What decision? You keep saying that. What decision do I have to make?"
Rafe looked at him compassionately and laid a hand on his knee. A feeling of peace seemed to drift though him and his breathing eased a bit. But the pain was still there pounding in his blood. "The decision to live, David. It's up to you whether you go on living or not."
Staring, Starsky tried to understand. Understand both what Rafe had said and the image of Hutch's face staring down at him in horror. And the pain that tried to consume him.
"You mean...."
He swallowed against the sudden fear in his throat and tried again. "You mean I'm dying?" <Hutch. Where are you?>
"Actually, at this moment in time you're already dead. But we have a grace period where you must make the decision to let go and cease living as a physical entity. Or fight and remain on Earth. It's up to you, David." Rafe's eyes were filled with sadness and something that looked a little like hope.
"Why? Why do I
have to decide? I always thought when
it was time for you to die you died. I
didn't know you had a choice." <If we can choose why did Dad decide to
go? Why Dad?>
"Normally you don't get to choose. And, no David, your father had no choice. It was his time and it was what was meant to be. But sometimes, with certain people, we...I mean...there's more important considerations. This is one of those times." Rafe looked a little embarrassed at whatever he had started to say.
"Why? What's so wonderful about me that I get a second chance? Why am I being offered the choice?" Starsky was bewildered by everything. And the pain in his chest was spreading through his body making thinking difficult.
Rafe looked down at the floor, then back up into Starsky's eyes. "Actually, it's not you that's so "wonderful" as you put it. Although you are in your own right, there's someone else that's more important. The reason you have been offered this choice."
Starsky knew what Rafe was going to say before he said it. "It's Hutch isn't it? If I die, something bad's going to happen to him, isn't it?" He could hear his voice rise in panic. "What'll happen to him? Please, ya gotta tell me." Starsky grabbed both of Rafe's hands in urgency.
Rafe turned his hands so he was holding Starsky's. "It's not so much that something bad will happen if you die as nothing good will. Not for Hutch. Not ever again. He needs you to watch out for him. To be his friend and love him. Hutch has things he has to do and if you're not there to help him, he'll never do them. He needs your strength, your courage."
Starsky looked down at the hands on his knees and tried to imagine what it would be like to let go. To let go of the pain that filled his body, to end the agony he felt tearing at his very nerve-endings. To feel peace, to end all of the sadness, to not have to deal with all the ugliness in his life. And for a moment, he wanted that.
Then he saw Hutch in his mind. But not a Hutch that he knew. This was the Hutch that would be if he did let go. A sad, lonely man who faced each day with no hope, no happiness. A man for whom nothing mattered because he didn't matter anymore. He couldn't do that to Hutch. He loved him too much to let that Hutch exist.
He looked up to see that in the few moments of thought that a transformation had come over Rafe. No longer was he a man who looked a lot like Hutch. The majestic creature was back. The only thing that was the same was the eyes. They still held all that love and hope for him. And, looking a little closer, Starsky was sure that Rafe was not human, but something just a little bit more.
"Are you an angel?" Starsky almost felt silly asking that question but didn't know what else Rafe could be. He felt faint at the nod he received.
"Are you Hutch's guardian angel?" Why else would Rafe need to make sure that he stayed alive for Hutch.
Rafe's smile warmed him, as if someone had lit a little fire inside of him. "No, you are."
Starsky felt his mouth drop open.
"It's not going to be easy. You face months of pain and you may never heal totally. You will regret living at times and at times the only thing that will keep you alive will be your partner's love. If you decide to let go, no one will think less of you. If you let go, you will be with your father and your grandparents. And Terry."
<Oh Terry.>
"But it's your decision, David. And you must give it now, as time is just about gone. What is your choice?" The whining sound was louder and the voices he heard before more urgent yet more hopeless at the same time.
Choose. Time to choose. On one hand was heaven, because that's what this being was offering him. His father, who he missed every day of his life. His grandparents who had loved their grandson so much.
And Terry. Beautiful, sweet Terry who he would have married and created a family with. The one woman he'd loved more than any other.
On the other hand was a life of pain. Of days and nights of living with all the things that being a human meant. Of struggling with unhappiness, fear, need, and grief.
But it also was a life of beauty, hope, and love. And a life knowing that he had one person whom loved and needed him. An image appeared to him. Hutch, running as if his life depended on it. Running up stairs and down a long corridor with terror and grief written large across his face.
At that moment, he knew what his choice had to be.
"I'm going back." The moment he said it, a feeling of peace, of rightness filled all the places that had only the moment before been ones of fear and pain. Rafe smiled at him. A smile so like Hutch's that Starsky knew he'd chosen right.
"One question before I go, if I may. Actually two I guess." Rafe nodded. "If I'm Hutch's guardian angel, are you mine? And you said that I could "call" you Rafe. What's your real name?" Starsky felt he knew the answers to both his questions, but needed to hear Rafe say them.
"No, I'm not your guardian angel either. Hutch is yours as you are his. And my full name is Raphael. Now, good bye my son. We'll meet again one day. I'll be watching over you. Over you both."
The white room faded, the whine was gone, and all that remained was the persistent sound of a sad voice. But Starsky knew that it was only a matter of time before the sadness in that voice would turn to joy.
All it would take was the opening of an angel's eyes.
******
author's notes: Babka is Polish for Grandmother. And Raphael is the Angel of Healing, Joy, Light, and Love. Amongst others.