The Bargain
by Otterlady (10/27/99)
He wandered around the silent rooms, not really seeing the book he took from the shelf, leafed through then put back. Nor the pottery he picked up and put down. He didn't know why he'd come here this day. There were other places he could have gone. One in particular where he should be. Instead, he had come here. A place of sanctuary, of remembered times, of a life before.
The case at a conclusion, the villains in jail. Or dead. But too much had happened for him to feel any satisfaction. His life had been shattered, the pieces shaken about and only partially put back together. And he had his doubts whether it ever would be.
Noticing the thin layer of dust on the bureau he was touching, he felt a sense of deep loss. The days gone, lost in pain, in terror and in waiting. How many days had the room been gathering this dust? Since the silent rooms had held warmth and the sounds of life. Since that morning when his whole world had come crashing down around him. Since his world had almost ended.
He found himself sitting on the side of the bed, holding his stomach in shared pain. As if he was the one whose body was violated. The one almost killed. The one who had died and beyond a miracle, had come back. The one who could still slip away.
So many prayers spoken these last days, mostly by him, that there were few left to say. He had begged, pleaded for the return of the life most precious to him. And it had, but at what price? And would he be allowed to keep it or would it be taken away again? Forever.
Looking up at the ceiling, searching for something that he had not searched for in so long, he didn't know if he had the words.
"Lord, I'm not asking just for me. He doesn’t deserve this. There's so much more that he wanted to do. He's a good man, the best I've ever known. There are so many people that love him, that would be lessened if you took him now. Me most of all." He wiped at the tears on his cheeks. "I don't think I could live without him. " A sigh.
He stood up and looked around the room, searching for something. Spotting a picture frame on the dresser he walked over and picked it up. It was a picture of the two of them, taken one summer, years ago when they were young. The two of them, one fair, the other dark. Both smiling as if they hadn't a care in the world. Arms slung about each other's shoulders, standing close together, mugging for the camera. When had they been so young? When had they gotten so old?
He remembered that day. They had just solved a big case, a string of murders during a particularly nasty drug war. Both had received commendations, praise from their Captain. Life was good. The picture, taken in the park the day they had gone with some friends for a picnic in celebration of their victory. Friends from the precinct, the girls they were dating, others that they were close to. So many gone now. Some had drifted away, moved on to other places, other lives. Some were dead, officers killed in the line of duty. So many.
"Please, Lord, don't take him. You don't need him yet. Not like I do." He held the picture against his heart. "I know we're not supposed to bargain with you, make a deal. But it's all I have. I'll do anything to keep him here. Anything. Any way. If you let him stay, I'll take care of him. Even if he's never well enough to come back to work as a cop, I'll stay with him. Even if he's an invalid for the rest of his life, but I hope not that. If you grant me this, I'll do anything you want. Just don't take him away. Please."
Sinking back down on the bed, he sat and stared at the picture. If they had known then that this time would come, what would they have done differently? Would they have stopped being cops? No, not then. It was what they were, his partner most especially. Would they have pulled away from each other, trying not to care quite so much so it wouldn't hurt like this? No, probably not.
"Ah, God, I've loved him from the first time I met him. He's the best thing in my life. He made me a better person just knowing him. I thank you every day that you sent him to me. Please don't take him away. We're more like one person than two. I know I can't make it without him. I promise you anything at all. Just don't let him die. If it took this to make me realize how much I have to be grateful for, then I know. I know."
In silence he sat there, remembering times past. In the silence he heard a voice, quiet as a whisper. "Deal." A sense of peace, a warmth that reached in and loosened the cold fear around his heart, crept over him.
He knew then that everything would be all right. His bargain accepted, the deal made. Allowed to keep the thing most precious to him. And all it cost him was the rest of his life. A bargain at twice that price for the value of what he now possessed.
The beginning.