Table Etiquette
by Melissa Flores

"Look, Angel." I leaned back in the carseat, smiling my most innocent smile. "I don't see why you are being so funky about this. It's just a dinner party."

"I'm not being funky." He retorted, not gazing at me as he maneuvered the car around a corner. I had given up asking him to let me drive years ago. "It's just... it's .... a dinner party!"

"Uh, huh." I said, my voice flat. "So it's cool that every night for the past ten years, I risk my ass to help you in your demon of the night campaign to rid LA of vermin, and such, and you can't attend one teensy, eensy little social gathering with me?"

"That's different."

"How?"

"I don't know, it is. You like it."

I smiled, he got me there. It was like I had much of a choice, really. When I started helping Angel, it was because I desperately needed the money. He had rescued me when this crazy demon had stalked me as soon as I had gotten there, and because he didn't feel right leaving me all to myself, offered me a job.

I knew it was charity, at least at first, but I took what I could get. My pride was gone, I was seriously still toting a broken heart from Xander, and I needed to get back on my feet, and hell, if Angel was gonna help me, cool.

But that was before I realized just how well we worked together. Take Angel away from Buffy and he became funny, charming, actually, in a cryptic way. We became friends, good friends. Soon we were best friends.

And after a couple years, my little resolve never to get involved with a dead guy who was hung up on a Slayer was crumbling very, very fast. See, it was different than Xander, unlike Xander, who every time I would say deep thoughts would roll his eyes, Angel would just stare at me with those beautiful eyes, and nod, as if what I was saying was the most important thing in the world. And when I insulted him, you know, in my way, he would just look at me, and throw his head back and laugh.

Then he wouldn't just laugh, he would reach out and hug me. We talked about everything then, about Buffy, and about Xander, but we never went back, we had made this pact that this was our new life.

And I began to realize that our life was together. It scared the hell out of me, let me tell you. I've become an absolute idiot with who I fall in love with, first with Xander, then with the dead guy that I could never boff because he would become demon dude again? No way.

But that's me, stupid Cordelia Chase, and one day, we just kissed.

We stayed away a good few days, me cause I realized I HAD fallen in love with him, and him, I guess, because he felt guilty, cause he was always gonna love Buffy, never me, never skanky ho Cordy.

And just like a guy, it had taken my almost dying to make him realize he actually was in love with me. Some demon had almost killed me, and Angel went crazy. He visited me in the hospital, brought me home to his place, nursed me day and night, and when I got better, he didn't let me leave. I had moved in with him.

By then, Doyle had managed to appeal to the gypsy council, and Angel's soul couldn't be lost, and he asked me for one special gift, a night of my love, to test it.

It scared me, I had no idea if I COULD make Angel as happy as Buffy, but he seemed to believe it, and looking into those tortured eyes that I couldn't ever say no to, I agreed.

He was a great lover, not like I've had that many to compare them to, but Angel was amazing, because I loved him. A traitorous thought entered my consciousness that this is what it would have been like with Xander, but then Angel kissed me and thoughts of Xander flew out of the window.

It was one hell of a night, and afterwards, we lay in each others arms, spent, desperately hugging, waiting for what seemed the inevitable.

We were awake, talking slowly, his eyes wide, full of fear as he stroked my cheek, telling me how happy he had been, and how scared he was.

But he never changed. For a while I wasn't sure if it was because the spell worked, or because he was so scared of changing, but then I realized the truth, he really did love me.

That was five years ago. We had lost track of the Scooby Gang long since, Buffy was retired and married somewhere in Canada, Willow and Oz, believe it or not, were still together, and Xander... well, we hadn't heard from him. He was never one of Angel's favorite people, and my heart still ached just a little when I thought of him.

I wondered briefly what he was up to.

"Why do we have to go to this, anyway?"

I smiled at the whiny note in Angel's voice. "Because, dork brain, it's my cousin Tessa's, she just got a promotion, and I have to be there."

"I thought you two didn't get along."

I suppressed a sigh. "We hate each other, always have. You think I was bad, sheesh, you should have seen Tessa in high school, she went to this private boarding school, and when our parents would force us to spend time together, she'd put on this angelic face, and then as soon as everyone left, it was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Very scary."

He gave me a confused look. "And we are going, because???"

"I'm expected to. That and you look hot in that outfit." He blushed, and I smiled, realizing only I could make him blush. Damn, I love him.

He smiled, taking hold of my hand, kissing my palm as we drove up the long windy road that led to cousin Tessa's huge house. I grimaced, preparing myself. This was SO not going to be fun. Tess was Harmony times ten.

"You ready for a night of backstabbing cruelty?" I joked.

He winced. "Actually, there's a demon in the sewers, why don't we do that?"

I smiled, and leaned in, feeling him tense when I laid soft kisses on his neck. "Do this, and be nice, and I'll make it up later, I promise."

He didn't have to even think, he just kissed me again, and smiled.

Men are so easy.

We walked up the stairs, and I took breath, trying to sustain myself before I pressed the gong.

"Honey, can you get it?" Tessa's muffled voice came through the doorway, and I rolled my eyes.

"Well, looks like we'll meet her catch of the day," I muttered to Angel, who grinned. The door was unlocked, and I placed a plastic smile on my face as the door swung open.

Oh, my God. I was staring right at Xander Harris.

Both of our jaws dropped at the same time, and for a moment, all we could do was gawk. I remembered Angel was standing next to me when I felt his arm encircle my waist, pulling me closer.

"Xander." He breathed.

Xander's eyes darted to Angel, then to his arm, then to my waist, held snugly against him, and something seemed to flash in his mind.

We were still standing on the front porch.

"Are you going to let us in?" I finally asked, feeling slightly weak.

"Cordelia!" An annoying voice squealed from behind Xander, and suddenly Tessa showed up, with a sugary smile. I was engulfed in a huge hug, and let go just as quickly.

She draped an arm around Xander. "You've met my Mr. Harris, haven't you?"

HER MR. HARRIS?!?!

"Yes, I have." And you know it, bitch. The glint in her eyes said it all, Tess had set me up.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

"Alex and I work together over and Simon and Finch." She said, smiling. "Tell them how much you make, honey?"

He didn't have to tell me , the Armani suit said it all. My heart beat wildly, and I felt oddly torn, happiness at seeing my old friend, sadness at seeing that he was nothing like I remembered. Where was the geek that I fell in love with?

At least Angel hadn't changed.

"Can we come in, please?" I asked, slightly exasperated. Xander's face was still as stone, but he stepped back.

"Angel." He acknowledged. There was a hardness in his voice that wasn't there before and I could only wonder at it, before finally dragging my eyes to Angel. He was watching me intensely, and my heart skipped.

Angel was just as uncomfortable as I was, and his eyes seemed just a little bit darker.

I squeezed his hand, giving him a meaningful gaze. Come on, Angel, we're swimming with sharks here, play along.

And thank God, he did.

"You must be Tessa." He said finally, shaking her hand.

"You must be Angel!" She gushed. "I've heard so much about you!"

The hell she had. I never talked to her at all about him.

"So, you're the love of Cordelia's life, hmm?"

"I'd like to think so." He responded, a fake smile plastered on his handsome face.

I only stared at Xander, who stared right back at me. I wondered exactly how I should act, we weren't really friends, not anymore. We were just exes. That was over ten years ago. What now?

"Alex! Introduce us to your friends!" Another guy in a suit came over and slapped Xander on his shoulder. Xander immediately grinned, accepting the drink he held out.

"I'm Cordelia Chase." I said regally, allowing him to kiss his hand. "This is my fiancé, Angel."

Angel shook his hand, and I notice Xander flinch just a little. What was wrong with him?

"You guys know each other?"

I smiled, and nodded. "Xander and I-"

"Only just met." he broke in, before taking a sip. "She's Tessa's cousin."

My smile froze. What, he wasn't even acknowledging we were friends now?

"That's right." I answered mechanically. I questioned him with my eyes, but he only glared at me, and turned away, leaving Angel and me standing there like idiots.

"Nice to see he hasn't changed," Angel muttered. I only swallowed. Tonight looked like as much fun as one of Giles' old research parties.

I could deal.

It was fine, Xander was Mr. Jerk, just fine. I could deal with it, obviously he was used to rubbing elbows with these people, and if Tessa brought him, she had to trust him enough, because no matter how much she wanted to hurt me, she wouldn't bring just anyone who would sound like a caveman.

We would just go along with the game, just pretend we didn't know each other. I could deal with that, poor Angel was going through enough already.

If we could just get through the meal, we'd be fine.

We didn't even get through the salads. Xander was deliberately baiting me AND Angel, and I could just feel the tenseness in my lover's form as he gripped his fork so tight that his knuckles were turning white.

Not only that, Tessa was enjoying every minute of it. She loved the fact that she thought she had one upped me, and that she had Xander now, instead of me, and I was ready to kill them both.

What the hell was HE so angry about? I hadn't done anything to him, neither had Angel, we hadn't seen the guy in YEARS! He was Mr. Successful guy, right? What was his problem?

Dork.

At first I was trying to be big about it, but no such luck. When Xander wants to bait some one, he does it very, very well.

Some one was talking about high school crushes, and he just jumped right in.

"I'm not so sure." He said non chalantly. "I remember my high school affairs, none of them really seemed all that important."

I almost winced then, but I kept silent. Asshole.

"Oh, come Mr. Harris." the man answered, smiling. "There was never that one girl that you thought you might have loved?"

He looked directly at me when he answered, "Maybe one, but it was hardly love, as soon as things got a little tough, she took off with some ones else's boyfriend."

Sighs of sympathy passed around the table.

I never wanted to kill someone so much. And believe me, by now, I could have done it, I have become quite the lethal vixen.

"So do you think she regrets it now, Alex?" Tessa cooed, draping an arm around him.

"I bet she's a shell of what she used to be." He responded, laughing slightly. "Not like there was much there to begin with, but-"

That was it. That was the last straw, right then I didn't care if I was over him or not, he was acting like a damn baby, and I was NOT going to take it anymore.

I slammed my fork down. The table got very, very silent, and all eyes focused on me.

But I really had grown up, I guess, because instead of saying something equally cruel and mean back, I merely stared at him from across the dead quiet table.

"Excuse, Mr. Harris and I." I said, every word pronounced, and deliberate. "I'd like to have a private chat with him."

He must have read the challenge in my eyes, because he immediately rose.

"Please, excuse us."

Tess didn't look happy at all, but because of the other people, couldn't say a word. I swallowed down a smirk.

But as I got up, Angel's strong hand clasped my wrist. I looked down in surprise. For some reason, I had forgotten he was witnessing the whole thing.

"Cordelia... I" He trailed off, and looked very, very, uncomfortable.

I had always thought that the one things that would always be an issue between Angel and me, in our relationship would be his love of his life, Buffy.

I never imagined it would be my puppy love with Xander, something that happened over ten years ago.

The impossible had happened, Angel was jealous. Of me. Talk about role reversal.

I leaned in, whispering softly in his either, not caring that I was being rude to the other guests. "Look at him, Angel. Is he the guy I fell in love with? No. He's not Xander anymore, and I'm in love with you."

He pursed his lips, unable to say a word.

"It'll be fine, okay?" I whispered. "I'll be right back. Xander needs to get put in his place." He swallowed, and smiled, but I noted how he gave Xander a scowl, and then slid his hand around my neck, pulling me in for a soft kiss before letting me go.

I squeezed his hand, and then glared at Xander, motioning for him to follow me.

I knew this house like the back of my hand, I led him through the halls, and straight into one of the barrooms. Quickly I closed the door, turning to face him.

"What the hell is your problem, Xander?" I snapped.

He didn't answer, he simply went to the bar, and poured himself another drink.

"And you would care, because?" He asked harshly.

"You are deliberately hurting me and Angel, Xander, for no damn reason," I retorted, crossing my arms. "That's why I care."

"Hurting you?" He spit back. "It's been ten years, Cordy, how the hell can anything I say, hurt you? You and Angel took off a long time ago and neither of you looked back." He squinted his eyes as he looked at me.

"Do you realize how hurt Buffy was that Angel could shack up with you and not stay with her?"

I winced, then. I did feel guilty about that, but there was nothing that could have helped that.

"You think Angel and I planned on getting together, Xander? You think I planned on spending my life with a guy that will never age, that drinks blood, that will stay young even when I'm an ugly, old wrinkled diaper wearing senior? Things happen, you can't control who you fall in love with. I couldn't control it with you, and I couldn't control it with him."

He was still after that, taking another swig. "I'm sorry." He said after a minute. "I know I have no right. It's been ten years, I should have let it go by now."

I felt my anger dissipate, and I sighed. "It's okay, Xander. I mean, I think you have. You've made out pretty good for yourself."

He snorted, staring at the murky liquid in his glass. "Can I tell you something?" I nodded. "When you took off to LA, I decided that I would use the time wisely, that I would become rich and successful, all that you wanted in a husband, so successful that I would come to LA, and get you, and ask you to marry me, and then take you away, where I could love you forever." I felt my smile fade. Oh, God. "It took a while, but I thought I had time.... " He put the glass down, but continued to stare at it. "I just... I always had this crazy idea that you would wait for me. I never thought you'd stop waiting."

I felt my heart tear into pieces right there, as I finally saw my Xander again. The one I fell in love with, he was still in there, and this thing that was on the outside, I was responsible for. Damn, my eyes closed for half a second.

"I did wait." I admitted. "For about two years, I didn't fall in love with anyone, cause I had this fantasy that you would come get me, but.... things happened Xander, I never heard from you, and... Angel was there."

"Angel." He spat the word out. "You know, he's supposed to be tortured guy, he's supposed to be miserable, and I see the way he looks at you, Cordy, he adores you. And me.... " He trailed off, and then he looked up.

"I just, I had nothing, Cordy, in high school, except you, and I was happy, the happiest I've ever been." His voice got weak, and he continued. "and now, I have everything, and.... I'm miserable, Cordy."

I felt my heart go out to him, aware that Xander had finally learned the lesson that I had learned the hard way, so long ago.

"Oh, Xander." I whispered, and then I him in my arms, hugging him fiercely, feeling my old friend's pain.

He held me close, and then he looked into my face, his eyes moist.

"I missed you." He whispered, running a thumb along my cheek bone. "You don't know how much I've missed you."

Alarms rang off in my head. We were swimming in dangerous waters, here.

I shook my head, stepping back from his body, feeling my attraction come back almost immediately. "Xander, no."

His eyes were piercing right through me, and his mouth was firm when he asked, "Do you love Angel?"

"Yes." I answered honestly. He winced then, his hands back in his pockets.

I couldn't help but venture "Do you love Tessa?"

He grinned sadly. "What do you think?"

I almost grinned. "I take it that's a no?"

He threw his head back, and laughed softly. "A big no." He continued, his voice softer. "You know, when I think about, there was only one reason we started seeing each other."

"What?"

"She reminded me of you."

My smile faltered, and suddenly I was aware of intense hunger, a passion that hadn't abated. His eyes were so dark they were almost black, and I felt myself staring at his lips, his perfect lips.

I couldn't stop it. Suddenly he was right next to me, pulling me closer, pulling my head back, and slanting his lips over mine.

The kiss was mind-blowing, and I felt myself grow weak and I groaned helplessly, succumbing to it. It was wet, and open, and so very familiar.

And it was hot, so hot I found myself pushing against him, desperate to get closer to him.

"You taste so good, Cordy." He whispered thickly, his lips running against my temple, then down to my neck. "You've always tasted so good."

I whimpered as his lips ran along my collarbone, remembering how I used to hunger so much for his touch.

Oh, God. I forgot everything and everyone as I pressed his head down to my skin, needing that desire, hot fire throughout my body everytime his lips touched my shivering skin.

And then I opened my eyes, and I sensed him.

Oh, God, Angel. I never knew how I could sense him, but it was a skill I had developed over the years, some sort of vampire honing device. And I tore away from Xander, not saying a word, shame filling my body as I straightened my hair and attempted to calm myself down.

"Cor?" Xander's voice was hoarse, and it was all I could do not to respond.

"Shut up," I hissed, feeling my eyes flood with tears for a minute, before turning away.

Angel met me as I was rushing for the door.

"Cordelia!" He caught me, casting a wary glance back at Xander. I looked back, his hands were in his pockets, and he was staring at us with an odd expression on his face.

"We were just talking, Angel." I said softly, seeing the worried look in his eyes. Feeling the need to reassure him somehow, I lifted my hand to his face, running my palm lovingly on his stubby chin.

He leaned against the touch, and smiled, grabbing my hand, and pulling me back to the dinner table. I looked back at Xander.

He looked ready to die.

It was a picture I carried with me all through the rest of dinner.

I felt as tall as a newt. I had cheated on the man I had promised to spend the rest of my life with, and I had kissed my ex boyfriend, who still had feelings for me.

I felt like such a skanky ho. I imagined Willow, pointing her finger, saying, "I told you so."

He caught me again during cocktails, Angel had to go somewhere, and I was alone. He stood, watching me, and before I knew it, he was by my side.

"I need to see you again, Cordy." He whispered.

I closed my eyes against his haunted face. "Xander." My words barely eked out in my frustration. "I'm living with Angel. I'm going to marry him."

His face was stone cold then, watching me as if he could see right through me. "Are you sure?" he ventured.

"I love him, if that's what you mean."

"Like you loved me?" I didn't even dignify that with an answer. Tess must have sensed she was losing Xander's affections, because she was right by our side in two seconds.

"What are you two talking about?" She teased, but the look on her face would have wilted flowers.

"Old times, Tess." Xander said, his gaze on me not wavering.

"Very old times." Angel said, coming up from behind, sliding his arm around my waist in a protective manner.

Xander studied him, and nodded. "I'm sorry, Angel." He said tersely.

Angel regarded him, and nodded.

That nice little tension was just about to kill me, "Angel, didn't you have that thing?" I asked pointedly.

He looked slightly confused. "The thing?"

"THE THING." I said pointedly. He gazed at me, and his face lit up with realization.

"Right! The thing! We should go."

I purposely didn't look at Xander then, my heart was feeling like it was split in two, and so I wore a pasty smile as I said goodbye to all the guests.

Only when I had composed myself, did I turn to Xander. "Goodbye, Xander." I whispered, and I hugged him.

He held me tight. "Don't say that, Cordy," He whispered back fiercely. "Don't say goodbye."

But I pulled away, joined Angel at the friend. Tessa was at the front, waiting for us.

"Oh, Cordelia, it really is too bad you have to go, I was so hoping we could catch up on old times, you know, old flames, things like that."

I snapped.

"Tess, go to hell." I spat, not caring about her expression, sliding my palm into Angel's hand and pulling him away. We walked to the car without a word. And as he opened the door for me I looked back and caught Xander's eyes. He was watching me leave with out a word, and when we gazed at each other, he raised a hand in farewell.

I couldn't wave back, I could only stare before Angel shut the door and my vision of him was gone in a blur of tears.

I didn't know if I still loved Xander, but seeing him like that, after so long, it killed me, and I knew that kiss had unburied some very hidden emotions. Oh, God. Xander.

I was so lost in my thoughts Angel had to call my name twice before I finally heard him. "Hmmm?" I asked distractedly.

"Are you okay?" He asked again. "You look distracted."

I sighed, leaned my head on my hand as I gazed out the window. "Tessa's a bitch for springing him on us."

"You mean on you."

"On both of us." I said softly.

"What did you two talk about?"

I gave him a stiff smile, not quite meeting his eyes when I answered, "He's lonely, and sad, Angel. He needed a friend, I was there."

There was silence, and then Angel spoke up, "You were always more than friends, Cordelia."

I almost cried right then and there, but I nodded. "I know."

"I just.... I saw the way he was looking at you, Cordelia." Angel's eyes had that hooded look, and I knew he was worried.

"Angel, I love you." I said simply. "Nothing's going to change that."

I threaded my fingers through his, smiling softly, leaning my head on his shoulder, I could feel his cold lips pressed against my forehead for the briefest of seconds as we drove away, and his still heart was reassured, because he trusted me, he knew that I loved him, that I was staying with him, and to poor suffering Angel, that made all the difference to him. He would sleep well tonight, I knew, his cold body nestled against mine, taking all the comfort I could give him.

But I wouldn't. Things had changed tonight, I had felt something inside of that I seriously thought was gone, I had felt a raw passion, and a need from a man who I had known as a boy, and loved as a man. I had forgotten how good warm flesh felt like, how good it felt to feel a heartbeat beating through his skin from mine, to look into a man's eyes and see warmth there, passion, not haunted agony that lay in my present lover's.

And I clenched my eyes tight, shut them away from his image, burrowing my head into Angel's shoulder, trying to breathe in his scent to drive his form away from my mind.

Angel loved me, he was good to me, I knew that when I grew old, he would stay by me, because I was like a drug to him. He needed me; he would for as long as I lived. But something had entered my heart, a longing, and the question rose into my mind.

Did I need him? The way I once needed Xander?

I gulped, and pressed my lips to his skin. His grip grew tighter, and he whispered those three words that always filled me with warmth.

"I love you."

"I love you." I answered, and knew I wasn't lying. I was in love with Angel, I knew it, and it would take more than an old flame to take me from him, but for the first time, in a long time, I felt scared.

I was going to be sorely tested, because the impossible had happened tonight.

I had begun to have doubts.

FIN