[ah447@freenet.carleton.ca (Victor W. Wong)]
Once upon a time, a man named Gene Roddenberry created a television
series called STAR TREK. Although initially unsuccessful, it became a
huge hit in syndication, spawning fan clubs, several movies and
television sequels.
Shortly afterwards, six Englishmen and one American created a
television series called MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS. It too became
a huge hit in syndication, spawning fan clubs, several movies and
record albums.
All television signals radiate out towards space. And so it was that,
through various galactic phenomena such as hypergravity, wormholes,
black holes, and so on, the television signals of these two cult TV
shows found themselves on the other side of the galaxy--and threatened
by the presence of a black hole.
Faced with oblivion, the two shows agreed to combine their signal
strengths. The result was a bizarre, mutated, parodic signal strong
enough to escape their doom and return to Earth.
Thus was PYTHONTREK born. But at what price?
*****
Fade in to QUARK, in black bow tie and dinner jacket, seated at a BBC
desk.
QUARK
Oh, ah, good evening. I'm here to explain to you that
PYTHONTREK, as scripted by Victor W. Wong, is a parody of
STAR TREK and its various spinoffs STAR TREK: THE NEXT
GENERATION, STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE and STAR TREK:
VOYAGER and also of the various skits of the British comedy
troupe, Monty Python. Now, how someone can parody Monty
Python is admittedly bizarre, since Monty Python is a parody
already, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, I should add that, at the insistence of our legal
staff, this is an UNAUTHORIZED and UNOFFICIAL parody.
Light music begins to pipe in.
Put bluntly, our lawyer doesn't want us to affront the
lawyers of the previously mentioned series. Anyway here he
is to explain his position.
QUARK extends his hand; camera pans to a single spotlight lighting up
another FERENGI dressed in lawyer's robes. The music crescendoes as
he begins to sing:
FERENGI LAWYER (singing)
Never be rude to a lawyer
An attorney or barrister too
Never make fun of solicitors
They'll sue the pants off you
Never make jokes about lawsuits
Or of libel or slander ex tort
And never put--
The FERENGI LAWYER explodes. Music stops. CUT TO Quark holding a
smoking bazooka. He tucks it behind the desk.
QUARK
Sorry about that. Anyway what we really want to say is that
the creative people behind the series we'd mentioned earlier
had nothing whatsoever to do with what you're reading. And
also that if you see any resemblance between these scripts
and real life, then it's either pure coincidence or our
scriptwriter is better than we thought.
Camera begins to pull back.
So if for any reason you don't like what you're reading,
don't blame the actors or the scriptwriters or the producers
of those shows, because chances are they won't have a clue
what you're talking about. Oh, and even though this stuff
is in script form, don't even think about PERFORMING these
works without the author's permission. I don't know about
him, but I for one am going to insist on being PAID for my
appearances in these parodies. I figure four strips of
gold-pressed latinum per line is more than a fair price. I
mean when you consider the expenses I have--the makeup
sessions, the rehearsal time, agent's fees, paying for the
script doctor to improve my delivery--
A 16-ton weight has been revealed, overhanging QUARK and desk. At
this point it falls on them. Fade to black, but we hear:
QUARK'S VOICE (muffled)
Hey, do you mind? I've got a DEPOSIT on this tuxedo!
--
Copyright (C) 1995 Victor W. Wong. All rights reserved.
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