From rob4654@webtv.net Sun Oct 10 00:08:37 1999
Title : Blazing Starships 3! - The Ever Ending Saga
Author : Rob Morris
Series : DS9
Type : With A Title Like Blazing Starships, what, you think this is
serious?
Part : 1/1
Summary : As Commander Sisko settles in at DS9, his crew takes shape.
Despite this setback, he presses on. Garak does pressing on the side. 1
bar of silver-pressed latinum and he'll press a whole closetful of
Starfleet Uniforms.
Two bars and he'll keep your size quiet.
---------------------------------------------
( Sisko interviews prospective crew )
Sisko : Tell Me, Mister Eddington. What religion are you?
Eddington : My family worships the Roman God Janus. Duality.
Sisko : Favorite Batman Villain?
Eddington : Harvey Dent.
Sisko : Favorite New York Baseball Team?
Eddington : The Meytankees, of course.
Sisko : Any ancestors in the military?
Eddington : Why, yes. Both Lee and Grant.
Sisko : Favorite TOS villains?
Eddington : Bele, Lokai, Lazarus, and The Salt Vampire.
Sisko : Favorite Novels?
Eddington : Les Miserables and The Strange Case Of Doctor Jekyll and
Mister Hyde.
Sisko : Good...We'll Talk Later.
( Aside To Odo )
Sisko : Introduce him to the fabulous Airlock Deck.
( O'Brien and Keiko walk in )
Keiko : I vedy pleased to meeting Commander-Person!
O'Brien : Suren Begora, I'll get meself blasted on the Pylons, nmaybe
then be givin ya some work, should the notion strike me besotted brain!
Sisko : ( Stands Up In Horror ) My God, They've Been Stereotyped!
There's Only One Solution----An anachronistic 20th Century Song!
Sisko : Sing, Sing A Song---Let The World Sing Along---Sing Of Good
Things--Not Bad--Sing Of Happy, Not Sad,
( Karen Carpenter's Voice Comes Out Of The Wormhole )
KC : Don't Worry That It's Not Good Enough; For Anyone Else To Hear;
Just Sing; Sing A Song!
Sisko : You tell me, folks--Cleavon Little got Sir Duke--I get the
Carpenters.
( O'Briens snap out of it )
O'Brien : Damn that Dukat! I haven't been that stereotyped since 'Under
Siege'.
Keiko : Oh, quit your whining, Colm! When it comes to PC terror, The
Celtic Societies have Nothing on the Asian ones.
They still haven't forgiven me for Soon-Lee.
Sisko : All right, people, get in character--Yesterday!
Robert Urich : Hawk, man, we need you!
Sisko : I hear Burt Reynolds needs a stand-in.
( RU runs off )
Sisko : Okay, people--names?
K : Keiko Ishikawa O'Brien.
M : Seamus Edward O'Brien.
Sisko : But I thought your name was Miles.
K: (Smiling) Nope. Miles is a nickname I gave him after our honeymoon.
( Hearing this, Bashir and Garak start over towards them )
K : ( Whips out a phaser rifle ) Get back! We're closing down that
little series of fics here and now!
( G+B back off )
M : I was a madman til her stabilizing influence entered my life.
Sisko : Uh---huh. Ok. Chief, you're for Engineering---and Keiko, you'll
be spoken of a lot but not seen terribly often.
K : As long as I'm worked in just enough, like Barbara Barrie was on
'Barney Miller'.
M : Why didn't they ever arrest the Sweathogs? That would have been a
natural.
K : Well, did you ever notice that on 'Sanford And Son' you almost
NEVER saw Bubba and Grady in the same episode?
Sisko : Unimportant Trivia, people. Now get to your duties. Keiko,
you're due to be harassed by The Kai at 3.
K : Then I better teach those kids some evolution, on the double! (
Leaves )
M : Sir, my sidearm?
Sisko : Oh. Well, here's one for you.
( Gives him Phaser )
M : ( Appears in red uniform ) How about me sir?
Sisko : Oh, yeah. One for you.
M : ( In grey uniform ) And me, sir?
S : One for you.
M : ( Dressed as Keiko ) And me, sir?
S : One for you.
M : ( Leaves with fifteen phasers ) Thanks, Sir. Youse is real generous.
Sisko : ( Shakes his head ) Silly, Stupid Obsession with 20th Century
Trivia!
( Looks around nervously )
S : Computer, Call Up The Investigation On Chuck Cunningham. Long Past
Time we found that man!
( Enter Bashir )
Bashir : Sir, I'm your new CMO, and I am absolutely positively NOT a
genetic accelerate!
S : I see. Doctor--have you been genetically accelerated?
B : No, sir. My genes have never been pulled up!
S : Thanks for sharing. Mister Bashir, have you ever had your DNA
altered?
B : No, Sir. My Acid Has Never Been Dropped!
S : ( Wearing little sunglasses )Faaarr out, Man! But tell me--have you
been evolved artificially?
B : No, Sir! And If You Met My Father, you would never ask such a
question.
Sisko : Well, I suppose that's it, then.
B : Sir, what is that antique on your desk?
S : Why, its a 20th Century Video Cassette Recorder. Pre-VCR plus Model.
Go and play with it if you like. I'll finalize this paperwork.
B : ( Fiddles with it ) Hey, this timer and advanced recording mechanism
is quite simple to set. Its no longer flashing '12:00'
Sisko : ( Stands Up ) A---HA! I KNEW IT! You ARE a genetic accelerate!
B : ( Slaps himself in the head ) Doh! I can't believe I fell for The
VCR Test!
Sisko : ( Smiles ) Ahh, Go To Sickbay, Ya Big Lug! We'll let it go.
Gwannn!!!
Bashir : Awww....Capn! You are the best CO DS9 ever had!
( Garak and Quark walk in )
Sisko : In short, gentlemen--your task is simple. Play off humanity's
dark corners as aliens, so the audience doesn't feel like its being
preached to.
Quark : Why would any hu-mon come into my bar for food and drink if you
have replicators?
Garak : And you'd think after what Gul Madred did to Picard, Starfleet
Intelligence would just find an excuse to arrest and interrogate any
Cardassian.
Quark : Yeah. And why did they let him command a Starship again? I mean,
he was fatally compromised by The Borg!
Garak : Him? What about Mister 'I Am Posessed' Himself, Data?
Sisko : Gentlemen, that is quite enough! As of right now, I am
suspending your Disbelief! Dismissed!
Garak : All well and good, Commander--but there is still one question
that cannot be so easily dismissed.
Sisko : And That Is?
Quark : If this is a 'Blazing Saddles' knock-off, then why haven't ANY
of the jokes so far been derived from Mel Brooks?
Sisko : My God, You're Right! Cut To The Commisary Scene!
Garak : I thought you were The Commisary.
Sisko : That just earned you General Order Seven, Mister!
--------------------------------------------
THE COMMISARY SCENE
( Shatner sits down to have his lunch; Beside him is Khan )
WS : How's everything, Ricardo?
RM : Aaah, They Lose Me After The Genesis Scene.
------------------------------------------
( BACK AT DS9 )
Sisko : You call that a Brooks Scene?
Give Me A REAL Brooks Scene!
( Garak walks in with a suit )
Sisko : MEL Brooks, not Brooks Bros....but leave that here.
-------------------------------------------
GAMMA QUADRANT
Weyoun : Make way for Our Goddess, The Female Founder!
( We see hooded shapeshifters descend )
Weyoun : The Female Founder! Do not Look to her for Mercy! The Female
Founder! Do Not Look To Her For Charity! Lets Face It, You Just Founder
In A Bad Mood!
( Female Founder takes off her hood )
FF : Let All Races Everywhere Accept Our Supreme Authority Or Face Utter
Annhiliation! For Now We Inaugurate The Era Of The Dominion!
All : We're The Dominion!
( Female Founder does a backflip, lands on the floor below; Music Starts
)
FF : We're The Dominion!
Vorta Chorus : And What's More...
FF : We're The Dominion...
VC : What's In Store?
FF : We Have A Mission To Conquer All The Feds
VC : Fed-fed-fed-fed-fed-Fed!
FF : We're Gonna DeFang....
VC : The Klingons!
FF : We're Gonna OutSmart...
VC : The Romulons!
FF : We'll Make Bajor An Offer It Can't Refuse!
VC : That The Vedeks Just Can't Refuse!
FF : So, listen, Vulcan and Tellar, All You Gorn and Old Andor....I Know
You're Wishin' That We'd Discorporate....But The Dominion's here and its
here to....
VC : Hey, Blessed Founder...Waddya You Say?
FF : I Just Got Back From The Great Link Bay.
VC : Great Link Bay? What's A Great Link Bay?
FF : An ideal way of life; But I'm Not There This Day!
VC : Hey, Blessed Founder...Come This Way...
VC : We played some games with some DNA...Minds aquiescent....They Hit
Like Cars...
Weyoun : We Decided To Call Them The Jem'Hadar!
( The First Comes Out; FF inspects him )
FF : What Say You, First?
First : I like, Really Need A Fix, Maaann!!
FF : I approve!
( Cheers )
( Female Founder gets up and dances )
FF : So look out all you Alpha Quads....We Got Big News For All You
Clods....We Know You're Wishin', We'd All Discorporate; But As Of Now
The Dominion...Is Your Brand...New...Staaaate! YEAH!
----------------------------------------------
BACK AT DS9
Kira : Commander, I Will Never Accept The Federation's Presence Here On
Terok Nor! No, Never! Never, Ever, Ever!
Sisko : Please?
Kira : Oh, Alright! By the way, what did the Prophets say to you?
Sisko : They said that Bajor is really, really du---Bajoran!
( Curzon Dax walks in )
CD : Benjamin!
S : Old Man!
CD : I am so glad to see.....Uhhh!! (Dies)
S : Damn! Major, go check my closet.
( Kira opens it; Sign says 'Spare Trill Hosts'; Kira picks one; Sees The
Other )
Kira : A Pageboy Haircut? Yuck!
( Jadzia awakens )
JD : Oh, thanks, Benjamin. Boy, I feel like a fool not having my
arteries cleaned.
K: What do we do with Curzon's body?
JD : Send him back to Trill; They Have A Recycling Program Now.
Quark : As well they should.
JD : Because 20th Century Earth nearly wiped itself out with pollution.
Jake : But there are ways you can help.
Miles : Things You Can Do.
Rom : A Difference You Can Make In Your Own neighborhood.
Keiko : Write To Your Congressman
Quark : Garbage Is quite profitable.
Odo : Start a compost heap in your backyard, for organic trash
Nog : But don't just sit back
Bashir : Or it will all go to waste
Sisko : What The Hell Are We Doing?
( They all point to a stagehand )
Stagehand : The Lord Rick Berman has proclaimed that all Star Trek
Series this week shall show an ecological conscience.
( Sisko punches him out )
Sisko : Piss On You! I'm working for Ira Behr!
------------------------------------------------------
CARDASSIA PRIME
Dukat : Hmmm...I hadn't expected Bajor to accept its Human Emissary.
This complicates matters.
Damar : Sir, we could always send in Worf!
Dukat : Hmmm....aside from being a complete violation of all established
continuity, that's a brilliant idea, Damar. Lets tell the men.
( They Go Out; Dukat catches a whiff )
Cardassian : Gul Dukat! May We Raid Another Federation Colony? We wish
to capture more of This Escarole and Cannelini Bean Soup!
Dukat : ( Hand Waves In Front Of His Face ) I would say that the supply
you've already captured is more than adequate.
Damar : Oh, sure. THIS routine he remembered to put in.
------------------------------------------------------
DS9
Kai Winn : These Children Must Be Taught A Moral Code And Religious
Lessons So Strict, It Breaks Their Young Spirits And Sends Them Into A
Psychotic Frenzy.
Keiko : NO! These children must be given lessons and information so
value-neutral, that the total lack of direction breaks their young
spirits and sends them into a psychotic frenzy.
Kai Winn : Are You Challenging My Authority?
Keiko : Yes! I, Keiko O'Brien, do hereby challenge you to MORON
KOMBAT!!!
( The fight begins; The Kai has the power, but Keiko has the speed )
Miles : C'mon, Keiko!
Dax : Flip Her Like A Pancake!
Jake : Pop Her Like A Cork!
Rom : Fleegle!
Nog : Bingo!
Leeta : Drooper!
Sisko : And Snort!
All : Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Kira : ( Unenthusiastically) oh, fight, on eminence. don't give up--and
stuff.
( After a savage blow; The Kai stands stunned and weary; Keiko smiles )
Sisko : Finish Her!
( Keiko morphs into a dragon; The Kai looks up; Screams; Keiko devours
her; Morphs back )
Odo : Showoff!
Keiko : (Wipes her mouth with her elbow ) Kai---licious!
Sisko : Flawless Victory. Animality.
Miles : Yes, she is!
( A pounding comes from the airlock )
Kira : Oh, No! Its Worf!
Sisko : Who's Worf?
Odo : Worf is less of a who and more of a what.
( Sisko grabs a large phaser rifle )
Miles : Oh, sir, you musn't shoot him.
Bashir : Yes, I'm afraid you'll only make him angry.
( Sisko stares fearfully at airlock )
To Be Continued..............At Some Point, In "Blazing Starships 4! -
The Search For More Plot Devices"
No obligation : Short Stories :
http://www.southroad.com/brightfame/
Ancient Destroyer :
http://www.telepath.com/kkuhlman/fanindex.html
(
geocities.com/televisioncity/network) (
geocities.com/televisioncity)