From marion@tesco.net Mon Feb 08 14:23:11 1999
TITLE: Denial And Drag Racing
AUTHOR: Suz suzvoy@yahoo.com
SERIES: VOY
RATING: PG-13
CODES: P, T, N, C, 1/1
SUMMARY: Starts almost exactly where 'A Miniature Tractor Beam And A Bottle
Of Lubricant' left off.
Disclaimer - characters are Paramount's.
Dedications: To Kim, my sister in crime, and Annick, my soon-to-be
mother-in-law.
*
Tuvok appeared on the bridge to find Chakotay sleeping on the carpeted floor
of the bridge. He said nothing, merely walking over to the security console
and pressing a few buttons.
With the help of two of the eleven crewmembers, Tom and Harry grabbed
Chakotay and propped him up in his chair and left him there as they all
trundled over to the coffin. Deciding *not* to eject it into space this time
(Chakotay would only try to leave with it again), they elected that it
should be kept in the cargo bay for now until they decided on a more
permanent holding area.
That was when their plan hit a snag. Or rather, Tuvok. Being very careful
not to smile no matter how badly he wanted to, Tuvok stoically informed them
that he had just begun the long-overdue transporter diagnostic and that they
would be unable to use the transporters.
They would have to carry it.
Closely scrutinising the Vulcan, Tom then turned to the eleven crewmembers.
A few murmurs and a show of hands later, they all came to the conclusion
that Tuvok was evil. Not that it helped them at all, but it was gratifying
to know.
Tom and Harry were taken for granted as wanting to help carry the coffin,
but when they asked for two helpers the eleven crewmembers suddenly grew
quiet. It was only after Tom threatened them to a recorded rendition of
Neelix's latest attempt at Klingon opera that everyone suddenly volunteered.
*
"I have a plan Neelix, and as our morale officer I think you're just the man
to execute it."
Neelix paused his work, hand stilling over the cucumber he had just been
polishing.
"I'll do anything I can to help, Tom."
The lieutenant grinned. "I thought so. I know the crew's morale is always
your top priority - not to mention that you're the one who killed the
Captain."
Laughing nervously, Neelix insisted "yes, yes. How can I help?"
Tom propped an elbow up on the counter. "Well, things have been a bit dreary
around here lately, what with the Captain's death and all...and I have an
idea of how to cheer some of us up."
"Only some?"
Tom laughed. "Well let's face it; who really gives a dogs butt about the
junior officers? They're nothing more than cannon fodder." Smirking, he
quickly continued. "No, this'll just be the senior crew and possibly any
recurring characters who haven't already met a grisly end or vanished with
no explanation."
"Ah," commented Neelix "the Joe Carey Syndrome."
"Got it in one, Neelix."
"So what's your plan?" he continued, patting the cucumber comfortably.
Standing proudly, Tom gave Neelix a 'brace yourself' expression. "Drag
racing." Noticing Neelix's confusion, he explained: "It's a great 20th
Century hobby. And you know how much I *love* the 20th Century, it's drilled
into you at every possible opportunity."
"Yes, your last conference on the different styles of lavatories in the 20th
Century was quite worrying..."
"Of course we'll have the safeties on in the holodeck as real drag racing
would probably kill a few more crewmembers."
"Might be worth getting Ensign Unknown and Lieutenant Deathwish to
participate then." Neelix pointed out.
Tom tapped his fingers on the edge of the counter. "Hmm. That's not a bad
idea. Maybe next time though. I'd prefer that no one else be killed at least
until next week." Slapping the console with his hand, he grinned again.
"Well then Neelix, I have to be off. I have some bridge duties to perform.
The computer should have any details you need to know."
"Good bye Lieutenant," Neelix called, waving the cucumber in a traditional
yet somewhat disturbing salute.
*
When B'Elanna visited Chakotay in his quarters the next day he seemed to be
back to his old self. He greeted her warmly, hugged her, chatted amiably
about ships business and invited her to use his replicator while he got
changed from his nightclothes into his uniform.
Surprised, she watched as he walked into the bedroom then she shrugged and
headed towards the replicator. The sooner he got over Janeway's death the
better for everyone. It wasn't that she'd disliked Janeway, but dammit *any*
woman who had sex with Tom and probably imagined having sex with Chakotay
deserved to be punished.
She stopped walking, her mouth hanging open in horror, when she looked over
towards the viewport.
Janeway was sitting on the couch, quite clearly still dead, and there was no
hint that she was going to start spontaneously breathing again any time
soon.
"Ugh..." B'Elanna managed to utter. How had he gotten her body here from the
cargo bay without anyone noticing? The transporters, obviously. Yes, Tuvok's
diagnostic would be long over. B'Elanna sighed. She was going to end up on a
chat show, she just knew it.
Ugh again. "Torres to Tuvok."
"Go ahead Lieutenant."
"Tuvok, can you come to Chakotay's quarters? There's a bit of a situation
here. Oh, and you'd better bring the Doctor as well. And some sacrificial
security officers."
"Understood. Tuvok out."
Hearing footsteps appearing from the other room, she did her best to look
nonchalant.
"I thought I heard voices," Chakotay commented as he clipped his commission
bar into place. "What were you and the Captain talking about?"
"Umm...just...general pleasantries."
"That's nice." he grinned. "Actually, we have to go B'Elanna." He leant
forwards, whispering for her ears only. "Kathryn and I are going to the mess
hall for breakfast together."
"No!" B'Elanna yelled, grabbing his arm. "You can't take her to the mess
hall!" Yuck! What would that do to people's stomachs? The place would smell
worse than the last time Neelix tried to make that rootin' tootin' chilli
sauce. Pulling him towards the other room before he could respond and with
an "Excuse us for just one moment Captain" thrown over her shoulder towards
Janeway's corpse for good measure, she tried to come up with a plan.
"Wouldn't it be better if the two of you had breakfast here? You know, the
*two* of you. Alone. More intimate."
His frown dissipated into a smile. "Oh you're *good*."
She forced a smug smile. "I try."
The door beeped and B'Elanna quickly let go of him and scampered towards the
entrance to let them in.
"Oh my," commented the Doctor upon seeing Janeway.
"Fascinating," agreed Tuvok.
"Woah," stated Ensign Unknown, determined to get one line in before he died.
Excusing herself with "Gentlemen, he's all yours," she left the room
squeezing past Tuvok who was still standing in the doorway.
"Hello Doctor." greeted Chakotay. "What's that hypospray for?"
"You must be hallucinating Commander. It's not a hypospray."
"Then what is it?"
"Why it's...it's a carrot. Can't you see the leaves at the top?"
*
Tom, Harry, Tuvok, the Doctor and Vorik entered the holodeck the next
morning at Neelix's summons. The holo-programme was complete. B'Elanna
didn't join them, deciding that her time would be better spent watching over
Chakotay in case he developed any other fetishes. Seven refused to go,
stating that drag racing was irrelevant. The truth was that she had no clue
what drag racing was but she didn't want anyone to know.
The five men stood at one end of a large field, looking for Neelix. The only
object in sight was a wooden partition so they mutually agreed that he had
to be there and all walked towards it.
As they approached they couldn't help but notice the grunting noises that
were getting louder the closer they came to their target. Casting cautious
glances towards each other, they wondered who would be the first to say
anything.
Tom took a step further than anyone else. "Neelix?"
"Just a minute!" he called out, and they heard a few more grunts before he
emerged. Leg first.
Watching in fascinated horror, they instinctively took a step back when a
tight-clad, blue high-heeled, yellow, brown-spotted leg appeared around the
edge of the partition.
The rest of him quickly followed, dressed in a tight aquamarine knee-length
dress (with yellow cuffs). A matching handbag hung over his right shoulder,
blue eye shadow covered his eyelids, and a blonde wig - not entirely
dissimilar from his famous hair pasta - sat limply on his head.
The crowning touch were his fake breasts, which appeared to be two
watermelons strapped on with medical dressings.
"Oh my God..."
"Oh my..."
"Fascinating."
"Oh my God..."
"Fascinating."
"What?" Neelix queried, touching an earring with one blue nail-varnished
hand, and touching his hair with the other. "Is it too much?"
~FINIS
But likely to be continued...
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