From rob4654@webtv.net Sat Dec 05 22:48:13 1998
Dukat In Hell
by Rob Morris
ST belongs to Paramount. The other characters belong to ON; and they can
have them!
Colonel Kira and Captain Sisko watched proudly as their prisoner was
brought in. An adapted holosuite would hold him-he'd never know who
faced him, friend or foe. Bashir had injected him with a
transport-unfriendly toxin; Beaming would kill him. An extreme measure
for an extreme man. At long last, Gul Dukat would answer for it all.
With quantum mines ringing the wormhole, no one from the Gamma Quadrant
would have any say in Dukat's trial. The Romulan request for an observer
had been denied, despite protests. Martok warned anyone seeking revenge
on his side not to. Bajor needed this trial. As the doors slammed shut,
Dukat shouted out one more piece of venom.
"Savor your victory, while you can! I may have spared Bajor once, but
my patience is worn through, children!"
Inside the holosuite-cell, Dukat was surprised to feel a buzz, and
then nothing.
He thought that his captors had meant to "accidentally" electrocute him.
But all he saw was an elderly human woman sitting with a Terran Canine,
watching a crude video monitor. He saw that she was wearing broad-rimmed
spectacles, and that her face almost seemed to be hanging off of her.
She responded to his presence.
"Why, Magic, look! Its Gul Dukat!"
Obviously, "Magic" was the canine's name. Dukat assessed the
situation. He clapped.
"Oh, Bravo, Captain Sisko, Colonel Kira! You mean to "enlighten" me
through the simple things like sitting with this dear woman. Now, the
monster will see good people being happy, and regret his life of sin and
war. Well, here's news from the front. The only lives I regret are the
ones I let you keep! By the way, COLONEL, did I mention that I knew your
mother YEARS earlier than I told you? Didn't you wonder why you and
Ziyal got along so well? Sisters will tend to do that!"
Dukat imagined Sisko holding an enraged Kira back. The holo-woman
grabbed a hold of Dukat's vest.
"Madam! I'll thank you not to do that! In fact, I insist you not!"
"Oh, Gul Dukat! This dull Cardassian uniform won't do! Here! Try some
Old Navy summer sweats!"
To Dukat's shock, he was suddenly redressed in an orange cotton
jumpsuit. The woman turned to the Dog.
"Magic! Old Navy has saved the day again! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
The dog barked.
Dukat then found himself at the top of a hill on skis, inbetween two
other people. The man spoke.
"Hi, Gul! I'm George! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
"And I'm Louise! Prepare to lose, Dukat! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
"I--I can't lose! I have a large Dominion fleet on the other side of
the wormhole!"
The scene shifted. There was Dukat's lost daughter, Ziyal, sitting
romantically with his arch-enemy, Elim Garak. Even as a hologram, he
would not tolerate this insult.
"Get away from my daughter, Garak!"
"Dukat! Our differences mean nothing anymore! Now, I'm just happy to
be a seamster helping to make these wonderful clothes for Old Navy! Old
Navy!"
"Yes, Father! Besides, I'm pregnant! We are going to name our
child--Magic! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
A blonde human female appeared. Dukat actually found this
particular Terran female attractive. But she droned on like the others.
"Great news, Ziyal! Your child will never go cold in the new Old Navy
infants line, The Obsidian Special Order! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
The elderly woman with the draining voice returned.
"Why, Magic! It seems that Old Navy has brought a happy ending beyond
The Final Frontier! Old Navy! Old Navy! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
As each of them kept chanting those same two words over and over
again, an enraged Dukat went to ram the walls of his holosuite cell. All
would pay for this indignity, particularly Sisko. To his shock--he
passed right through. He saw Bashir on the Promenade, attending
to--someone. No one seemed to notice him.
"Damn the Jem'Hadar! Did they think we were bluffing about the toxin?
It prevented a transporter lock, and caused every last molecule to seize
up. I'm sorry, Kira, but they'll be no trial. Gul Dukat is dead!"
"Julian, the only tears I'll shed will be for those deprived of a
trial and justice. This will have to do. Stand back."
When Bashir did, Kira scanned the body, and, satisfied it was real,
destroyed it in front of a horrified Dukat's eyes. He knew this might be
just another hologram, but it was a damned good one. He ran back to his
holosuite, hoping to goad his tormentor into giving the reality away.
"Come, come, people! I've destroyed enemies with FAR more inventive
tortures than simu-death! Show some originality! Colonel, did I mention
my favorite part of your Mother's body?"
"That's not important now, Dukat!"
The grim, determined look on the holo-Kira's face told him she was
there in spirit. He had her.
"Then whatever IS important, Colonel?"
Her looks brightened.
"Why, these new Bajoran Vedek uniforms from Old Navy! Old Navy!"
Behind a counter, Quark was doing a bumper business selling the
clothing.
"One can't help but make a Profit while selling Old Navy! I even
like seeing Ferengi females in it! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
Now, Sisko spoke, with a female Starfleet Captain beside him.
"Captain Janeway and her crew came back all the way from the Delta
Quadrant just to try the gear from Old Navy sportswear!"
"Why, Captain Sisko! This comfortable wear could even make Neelix
look cool!"
Again, the elderly woman.
"Well, Magic! I guess the Alpha Quadrant has been assimilated by Old
Navy! Old Navy! Old Navy! Old Navy!"
As the chant continued, ad infinitum, Dukat saw everyone he had ever
known join in the droning words. In the background, he saw the baleful
red eyes of the Pagh Wraiths, being punished along with him. But he was
still not convinced.
"Oh, please! I don't buy a bit of it! Give me one good reason to
think I'm truly dead and condemned!"
"Magic, look! Barney's here!"
A purplish, soft looking Sauroid walked up and embraced Gul Dukat.
"From now on, you and I are gonna be special friends, Dukey! I Love
You, You Love Me, we both Love our Old Navy! Old Navy! Old Navy! Old
Navy!"
As the chant went on, a voice of the eternally damned cried out from
the depths of Hell itself.
--The End (or not)--
Quote for the Month - "And So This Is Christmas; And What Have We Done?;
Another Year Over; A New One Just Begun; And So Happy Christmas; I Hope
You Have Fun; The Near And The Dear Ones; The Old And The Young;" - John
Lennon, "Happy Christmas ( War Is Over )"
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