Title : The Golden Boys
Author : Rob Morris
Series : A parodic Post-TOS Au
Type : Sitcom Parody
Part : 1/1
Characters : K, S, M, Sar
Rating : PG
Summary : What if Kirk had never gone into the Nexus to begin with....?
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The Golden Boys
by Rob Morris
Theme : Thank You For Being A Friend; After I Brought Harriman's Life To
An End; And If You Were To Die Now; And Your Body Had Been Quite
Renewed; You Would See; With My Ship I Would Flee; And In The
Fal-Tor-Pan You'd Say; Thank You For Being A Friend!
( We go to Miami, Florida, in the year 2295. Now retired Starfleet
Officers Kirk, Spock, and McCoy live in one home, along with Spock's
widowed father Sarek. A recent stroke has left him a trifle addled.
McCoy's just that way )
( Spock sits at a table with K+M )
Spock : Alright, everyone. I have calculated the amount of our bills
this month, and divided them three ways. If we all pay equally, and on
time--we may just be able to accomplish our long-term goal of living
here in peace.
McCoy : ( Smiling a bit vacuously ) Well, these nice people came by and
needed money for their charities, so I gave my bill money to them.
Kirk : Bones, how could you give away the bill money? What kind of
pea-brained idiot are you?
McCoy : ( A bit hurt ) Well, I figured, if I gave them my bill money
now, maybe they'd give some to me when I needed it.
Kirk : Bones, we need that bill money--now.
( McCoy gets up )
McCoy : Then I'll go collect on my debt a little early.
( He leaves )
Spock : Not to worry, Jim. I was the charity officer in question.
Kirk : Then how come he didn't recognize you?
Spock : The cartoons were on.
( Sarek bursts in, wearing Klingon armor )
Sarek : My son, have you no honor? Why are you not prepared for our
sacred pilgrimage to Boreth, to bask in the blood and songs of The Feast
Of Dread Kahless?
( Spock raises an eyebrow )
Spock : Because, Father--it is not the Feast Of Kahless, and we are
Vulcans.
( Sarek looks about, then nods )
Sarek : Yes. Highly logical. I was wondering why the bloodwine tasted
so much like marinara sauce.
Kirk : Spock--about what we were discussing earlier-I'm afraid I've
come up short.
Sarek : Finally, he admits it!
Kirk : Sarek, why don't you go where you belong, on Romulus?
Sarek : I am not from Romulus.
( Kirk smiles )
Kirk : I know.
McCoy : I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find that charity!
Sarek : Did you look up your own behind?
McCoy : Dammit, Sarek, I'm a general practicioner--not a proctologist!
K+S : Are you sure of that?
Spock : Jim, I must question the reason why you do not have all of the
money on time, as we agreed.
Kirk : I have...entertainment expenses.
Sarek : Its true, he does. Dating the entire Cadet Cheerleader Squad can
be very expensive, what with dry cleaning and maintaining that saddle!
Kirk : Sarek---Amanda's going to be calling soon. Shouldn't you be in
the living room, waiting for it?
Sarek : You're right, Jim. She doesn't call that often anymore. I wonder
why?
Spock : Father, Mother died in bed, five years ago.
Sarek : I know, my son. But there was a lot more to our relationship
than just sex.
( He leaves )
Spock : Jim....
McCoy : Oh, Spock, don't complain. At least we got rid of Sarek, for
now.
Spock : Good point, Doctor.
Kirk : And he's the dumb one.
McCoy : If I'm so dumb, then how come someone else didn't notice he was
hitting on the dance line from La Cage Aux Folles?
Kirk : I had to know, Bones. I-had-to-know. Then, I wished I hadn't.
I mean, they hadn't even shaved their legs that night.
( Knock on the door )
( Kirk opens it, its Carol Marcus )
Carol : Jim!
Kirk : Carol!
( Slams door, walks away )
Carol ( through door ) : We aren't done, Jim! We belong with each other.
We had a son together, remember?
Kirk : David's been dead ten years, Carol. And I'll bet he's still
livelier now than you were, last time we were in bed!
( She leaves )
Kirk : ( Sees Sarek ) Well, I'm for the refresher.
Sarek : Jim, you may wish to avoid the refresher. ( Sits down, queasy )
Kirk : Oh, Sarek, No!!
Sarek : Indeed. The jalapeno pepper, while an intriguing vegetable, has
many unanticipated long-term effects.
Kirk : Exactly--how many did you eat?
Sarek : Three Hundred.
( Kirk opens the front door )
Kirk : Oh, Carol, Darling! Lets start again!
( K Walks out, Sarek gets up suddenly )
Sarek : MANY---long term effects!
( Runs for the refresher )
( In the kitchen is McCoy, answering the back door )
McCoy : Yes?
Picard : Doctor McCoy--you have all been living in an illusion! All four
of you were brought into the Nexus, eighty years ago!
McCoy : Izzat so? Well, sit down, while I get the others. Y'know, this
all reminds me of something that happened in my hometown of St. Olaf,
Georgia.....
--------------------------------------
MANY DAYS LATER........
McCoy : .......when in reality, it was the pig all along. Well, the
scandal that resulted simply made all future Peach Cobbler Festivals one
big joke. Wait, did I mention that the pig knew Ulie Turnower from his
first farm? I didn't, did I? Welll, without that, the story's just
pointless!
( Kirk walks in; Sees Picard, who has long since hung himself )
Kirk : Bones---who is this man?
McCoy : Huh...You know, Jim, I'm not really sure. He had some kind of
message, I think.
( Spock and Sarek watch )
Spock : Another suicide, due to the Doctor's stories.
Sarek : I once knew a logician with similar problems.
Spock : Indeed?
Sarek : Yes. My son---picture it, Vulcan, 2182. We had just finally
stopped using thees and thous--except for your grandmother, she was
always a pain. I emerged, 17 years old and ready for my first Far Pett.
Spock : Don't you mean Pon Farr?
Sarek : If I had meant Pon Farr, I would have said, Pon Farr. No, Far
Pett is when the girl first lets you get to second base. Boy, did my
girl have a pair. Her name was T'Rim. T'Rim T'Rah, we called her---at
least in part because that was her name.
Spock : Father, does this story have a point?
Kirk : Wait, did you say her name was T'Rim?
Sarek : That is correct.
Kirk ( Opens a small ledger ) Wow! I'm dating her tonight.
Spock : But you had scheduled a date with Miss Nymphomania, 2293,
tonight.
Kirk : What's your point?
McCoy : Back in St. Olaf, we had a name for situations like yours Jim.
Kirk : Ok--I'll bite. What was the name?
McCoy : Slut.
( Sarek looks out back door )
Spock : Father, what are you doing?
Sarek : At some point, the people from 'Empty Nest' have just gotta show
up for a cameo, and then I am SOOO outta here!
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Also, don't forget to watch the wacky misadventures of our Android
Lieutanant Governor, his shapeshifting rival, and a Talaxian goofball.
That's right---'Bensoong' is next, on this station!
No obligation to click : Short Stories :
http://www.southroad.com/brightfame/
Ancient Destroyer :
http://www.telepath.com/kkuhlman/
(
geocities.com/televisioncity/network) (
geocities.com/televisioncity)