From yvonne@xtra.co.nz Tue Oct 26 00:11:49 1999
Synopsis: When the Muse of Silliness visits, then one has no choice but to
put fingers to keyboard and the text into ASCII format. Please Hallmark and
Paramount, don't sue me because if you did, you wouldn't get any money. I'm
broke.
Rating: PG-13 for extreme stupidity. Don't say I didn't warn you!
PRESS RELEASE: STAR TREK VOYAGER HALLMARK(tm) XMAS DECORATIONS - 1999
By yvonne@xtra.co.nz (Not a real press release writer at all.)
Today, Hallmark announced their new 1999 line of Star Trek themed
Christmas Decorations. This year focuses solely on the Voyager crew and
five new items are due to be shipped to the stores in time for December.
Todd Toddy Toddman of Hallmark design said they were particularly
proud of this year's release as they featured many new innovations in toy
and Christmas decoration technology.
The new items are:
BATTLING BAT'LETH B'ELANNA (WITH CHOPPING ACTION)
Watch Battling Bat'leth B'Elanna kick butt on your Christmas tree this
year! Push the button on her back to active 'Chopping Action Mode'. As
B'Elanna's arms move up and down in a smooth chopping action, her pure
surgical steel graded Bat'leth can tackle any messy food stuff this
Christmas. When she's not on your tree, enjoy her abilities to slice cheese
easily and turn vegetables in beautiful table decorations. Turn carrots
into delightful flower shapes and cut tomatoes into stars. Slice, chop,
dice and julienne with B'Elanna! Your Christmas pre-dinner snacks will
never be the same again.
TWINKLE TIME SEVEN
Who wouldn't want an ex-borg lighting up their Christmas tree? Turn
out the lights and watch her twinkle and glow in the dark while uttering
those classic phrases, "You are wrong Captain Janeway" and "I will not
comply" and the simple but heartfelt, "No." Her unique torso moulding means
two double D batteries can be effectively housed in her upper chest area.
TOM "UH-OH I'VE BEEN A BAD BOY" PARIS
This dual action figure comes in two modes: The Good Mode and the
"Oops I have the thoughts of a being murdered implanted in my brain, oops I
have another concussion, oops I turned into a lizard, oops I have another
concussion, oops I'm in a prison with some neural implant thingy, oops
another concussion, oops I've been demoted, oops I have a ship neurally
linked to my brain" Mode (otherwise known as the Darn It Mode). When in
Good Mode, Tom Paris is clean shaven, wears a freshly laundered uniform and
is still has the rank of Lt. But wait - dunk Tom Paris in cold water and
see him grow a beard, not comb his hair, get bags under his eyes, fry his
neural network and get demoted to Ensign. When Darn It Mode Paris is placed
next to the Battling Bat'leth B'Elanna action figure a unique motor chip
causes him to scream and promptly fall off the tree where the Good Mode
Paris is activated. When Good Mode Paris is placed next to the B'Elanna
figure he stays where he is and utters the words, "I love you" over and over
again.
CHAKOTAY
Static figure. Does nothing. Comes as special giveaway with limited
edition Tuvok action figure.
MISTRESS JANEWAY
The sexy seductress of Christmas Eve! Captain Janeway as you've never
seen her before! Three hair styles to choose from (Command Bun, Fun
Ponytail, Shrew from Hell Bob) plus additional choices of footwear (Command
Boots, Kill the Aliens Combat Boots and There Will Be Hell To Pay Thigh High
Black Leather Boots with Zips). Package also includes a phaser, a
compression phaser rifle and a Bowie knife which can be placed between her
teeth. Tattoo on left arm says, "Death to the Delta Quadrant". Tattoo on
right arm is a flaming skull.
Next press release: More crew announcements and the Aliens of the
Delta Quadrant Series!
FIN. (See told, you it was silly :-)
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