Title: Little Kes Riding Hood (unabridged)
Author: Sasscat Bu-to-y
Series: Voyager Fairy Tales
Rating: G
Codes: W for weird
Part: 1/1
Summary: Little Kes Riding Hood prepares to take a basket of goodies
to the captain, but some people have other plans for her...
Disclaimer: The Brothers Grimm are dead. Paramount isn't, but should
be. Characters borrowed without permission for unspeakable acts of
violence. No, wait, that's another story...
Author's note: What I like to call the unabridged version of 'Little
Kes Riding Hood'. Also known as 'The Lost Pages'. Thanks to Zeborah
for finding the pages and insisting I share them.
Posted to ASC and ASCA thirtieth April, 1998
Little Kes Riding Hood
(c) 1998 Sasscat Bu-to-y
Once upon a time there was a good little girl called Kes who lived
with her kind uncle Doctor in a house called Sickbay on the edge of a
big forest.
One day her uncle said to her, "It's such a lovely day. Why don't you
go visit the Captain with this basket of goodies? Because you know
she hasn't had any coffee for a day and she is not feeling well at
all."
"But Uncle Doc," Kes said. "I'd have to go through the forest and
it's so big and scary."
"Don't worry," said her kind uncle Doctor. "Just stay in the
corridors and don't talk to strangers."
So Kes picked up her basket of goodies and skipped down the corridor.
After awhile she realised she was lost - remember, the forest is
awfully big, and there are a lot of corridors. She sat down and tried
to think, but it hurt her head. So she stood up and skipped off in
any old direction. Soon she came to a sign.
"Eng... Engin... Enginee... I think it says Captain's Quarters," said
Kes, who is only two after all. She skipped inside and found her
friend B'Elanna.
"Hey B'Elanna," said Kes. "Is the Captain here?"
"Nope," said B'Elanna. "Maybe if you remodify a tricorder to emit a
polarised deuterium pulse, you can pinpoint her lifesigns."
"Huh?" said Kes.
B'Elanna shrugged. "Or you could ask the computer," she said.
"Okey dokey," said Kes. "Computer, how do I find the Captain?"
"Follow the yellow brick road," the computer said.
Kes frowned. (She may be two, but she's not stupid.) "Are you sure?"
she said.
"Yup. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road.
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road. Oh...
hang on, that's not right. Sorry, Kes." The computer thought for a
minute. "No, follow the little light on the wall."
"Okay," said Kes, and did just that.
Pretty soon she saw Tom Paris coming out of the holodeck.
"Hi, Kes," said Tom Paris. "Where are you going with that basket of
goodies?"
"I'm going to visit the Captain. She hasn't had any coffee for a day,
and she's not feeling very well," Kes said.
"How sweet. Hey - don't you think she'd like some flowers? I have
some in my quarters just along here," Tom Paris said.
"Gee, thanks Tom. I bet the Captain'd love some flowers," said Kes,
who was kinda naive.
Suddenly she remembered what her kind uncle had said, and shook her
head. "Oh gosh. I'm sorry, Tom, but Uncle Doc said I had to stay in
the corridors."
"Dangit," said Tom Paris, and went off to hassle his friend Harry.
Kes shrugged a bit and skipped off.
After awhile she saw a miscellaneous crewman with a notebook.
"Hi," said Kes.
"What? Oh, hi," said the miscellaneous crewman with a notebook, who's
kinda preoccupied. "Urm... Oh, yeah. Where are you going with that
basket of goodies?"
"I'm going to visit the Captain. She hasn't had any coffee for a day,
and she's not feeling very well," Kes said.
"How sweet," said the miscellaneous crewman with a notebook. "Urm..."
She consulted her notebook. "Oh, yeah. Hey - don't you think the
Captain'd like some flowers? I have some in my quarters just along
here."
"Gee, thanks... uh..." said Kes.
"Who, me? Urm... Call me Miss Ellaneous," said the miscellaneous
crewman with a notebook.
"Okay, Miss Ellaneous, I bet the Captain'd love some flowers... Ooh,
I get it," said Kes, who's not as stupid as she looks, even if she is
naive.
"Really?" asked the miscellaneous crewman with a notebook. "Dangit.
Anyways, come get some flowers."
Suddenly Kes remembered what her kind uncle had said, and shook her
head. "Oh gosh. I'm sorry, Miss Ellaneous, but Uncle Doc said I had
to stay in the corridors."
"Okay, whatever," shrugged the miscellaneous crewman with a notebook,
and started writing in her notebook.
Kes hung round for a bit trying to read the writing but she soon got
bored and skipped off down the corridor.
Suddenly she saw a Kazon.
"Hello," said the Kazon.
"Hello," said Kes. "Are you a Kazon?"
"Yup," said the Kazon. "Where are you going with that basket of
goodies?"
"I'm going to visit the Captain. She hasn't had any coffee for a day,
and she's not feeling very well," Kes said.
"How sweet. Are you going the whole way by yourself?" asked the Kazon.
"Yup," said Kes. "Uncle Doc said I'd be okay if I stayed in the
corridors and didn't talk to strangers. Hey - are you a stranger?"
"Of course not," said the Kazon.
"Oh. Okay then," said Kes. "Wanna walk with me?"
"Okay," said the Kazon. "Hey - don't you think the Captain'd like
some flowers? There are some in some deserted quarters just along here."
"Gee, thanks Mr Kazon. I bet the Captain'd love some flowers," said
Kes, who was still kinda naive. Suddenly she remembered again what her
kind uncle had said, and shook her head. "Oh gosh. I'm sorry, Mr
Kazon, but Uncle Doc said I had to stay in the corridors."
"Dangit," said the Kazon. "Well, tell me - where exactly does the
Captain live?"
"Urm... just follow the light on the wall," said Kes. "That's what I
do."
"Thanks," said the Kazon. "Oh my, look at the time! Gotta go."
The Kazon went and Kes skipped off down the corridor again.
After a long time and a lot of skips she finally got to the Captain's
quarters.
"Captain, Captain, let me come in," said Kes.
"Not by the hairs of my... No, hang on... Who is it?" said the
Captain.
"It's Kes," said Kes. "I brought a basket of goodies coz Uncle Doc
said you hadn't had coffee for a day and you weren't feeling well."
"Um... yeah," said the Captain. "Okay, come in."
Kes went in.
"What's in the basket?" asked the Captain.
"Let me see," said Kes. "Coffee ice cream, chocolate coffee cake,
coffee bean sandwiches, and a flask of hot coffee."
"Ew... I mean yum," said the Captain.
"Gosh, Captain, what big eyes you have," said Kes.
"Um... All the better to see you with," said the Captain.
"Gosh, Captain, what stringy hair you have," said Kes.
"I do not... I mean, all the better to, um, tie parcels with," said
the Captain.
"Gosh, Captain, what a big phaser you have," said Kes.
"All the better to shoot you with," said the Captain. (Who, you've
probably guessed by now, is really the Kazon.)
"Huh?" said Kes, confused because the Captain was acting weird.
"Don't move," said the Kazon, aiming his phaser.
Kes moved. Which was probably a good thing, coz otherwise she woulda
got fried.
"Help, help," said Kes.
The door burst open. "I'll help you," said Chakotay, and shot the
Kazon. (Chakotay means 'the woodcutter' in Indian.)
"Dangit," said the Kazon as he was vaporised.
"Kewl," said Kes.
"Mmmph! Mmph!" said the real Captain from in the closet. Chakotay
rescued her.
"Thanks," said the Captain.
"Don't mention it," said Chakotay. (She didn't.)
And they all lived happily ever after, except Kes' kind uncle, who was
miserable coz Kes decided to stay on the bridge where more interesting
things happened.
The End. (
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