Subject: Seinfeld Trek
From: writer4747@aol.com (Writer4747)
Date: 1999/10/27
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Star Trek: The Tarkalian Brandy
THE BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE-E
Jerry is sitting in the captain's chair eating cereal. George comes in
from off the turbolift.
"Hey what's up?
George is glowing, and very excited... "Jerry I'm busting! I'm busting!
Jerry notices that George is sweating quite heavily in his Fleet Uniform,
"You're busting something."
George notices the sweat stains forming on his uniform, he forgets for a
moment that he was excited about something, "Oh that, It's these darn uniforms,
they're so hot!
Jerry, agreeing, "I know, what do they think these ships are drafty or
something? Do we NEED a heavy sweater and turtleneck?"
George shakes his head, and scoffs a bit, "I know! I'm gonna propose a new
uniform design to the Starfleet Corps of Tailors.
Jerry, nods slightly.. "So what's up?"
George remembers again what he was so excited about, "Jerry, I just met THE
most incredible woman on the holodeck."
Jerry gives George a funny look of confusion, "The holodeck?"
George, "Yeah, I spent months working on her program."
Jerry, "So, you've decided to stop terrorizing the real women on the ship,
and resorted to having sex with photons?"
George "Pretty much."
George and Jerry turn to the doors opening and watch Elaine come in.
"Hey guess what!" Says Elaine.
George, "They've starting serving Pastrami in the Officer's Mess?
Jerry, "We're finally getting some shore leave?"
Elaine, "We just had leave two weeks ago."
"I know, but its this war, it's bringing me down. I need some time, you
know?"
Elaine shrugs Jerry off, "Eric asked me out."
Jerry, "Ensign Eric from waste-extraction?
"Yep!"
George, "Isn't he Tarkalian?"
"I dunno, why?
Jerry, almost yelling, confused, "You couldn't tell he has four ears and no
nose? "
Elaine sits down on a bridge chair, and starts looking over a document on a
computer console, finished talking to Jerry. "Looks don't matter that much
to me. "
Jerry and George give each other a "yeah right" look
Elaine notices the look out of the side of her eye, and suddenly jumps up to
defend herself. "Who cares if his Tarkalian? I went out with that Mantokan
and he didn't even HAVE a face!"
Jerry, "That's true."
George, "Don't Tarkalians normally abstain from sex? "
Jerr, " I think so."
There's a dull thud on the turbolift door, moments later it pops open,
Kramer stumbles into the doorway, and as doors almost close in on him, he jumps,
and reacts in his normal animated manner.
George, turns to the sight Kramer has made and walks over to him, " Hey
Kramer, do Tarkalians abstain from sex? "
Kramer, gets his bearings.. nearly walks into another crewman trying to
leave the bridge.. and turns to answer Jerry. "Normally. Unless they have a sip of Tarkalian Brandy first. "
George has started munching on a sandwich he got from a nearby replicator.
"Tarkalian Brandy?"
"Tarkalian Brandy excites their adroganous zones, and makes it all but
impossible for them to... (reacts, double take) you know."
George gets a rather disgusted look on his face, "But Tarkalian Brandy is
tepid, how could anyone drink it?"
Kramer, "They don't.
Elaine gets out of her chair and heads for the door... "Well who cares if he
has sex or not? I sure don't."
Kramer, George, and Jerry now all exchange "Yeah, right" looks.
Elaine, "Fine... go ahead and believe what you want... I'm gonna
meet my new boyfriend for lunch.". with that she walks out the door.
The Mess Hall on the Enterprise, is a simple affair. A few nice booths
around the edges, replicators and a bar/kitchen counter to the left... tables in
the center.. and some beautiful windows looking out into space to the right,
near the door that leads to the corridor. (imagine the coffee shop in a Star
Trek/starship fashion ;-)
Jerry is sitting at a table sipping a cup of coffee. Elaine comes in and
sees Jerry.
"What are you doing here, shouldn't you be commanding the ship? " Questions
Elaine.
"Eh, someone else can do it. "
"So I talked to Eric"
"Jerry: Oh, and what did he say?"
"He doesn't."
"Oh, well that's a shame."
Elaine holds up a bottle of Tarkalian Brandy, " Is it? "
Jerry, slightly shocked. "You're not...?!"
"Oh, but I will."
Jerry for a moment loses his laid-back demeanor, and puts on a captain-like
facade, "You, know as your commanding officer I have to suggest you do not
proceed with this plan."
Elaine stuffs the bottle back into her purse. "Stop me."
Jerry, to himself, "I'm sure that's going to work out."
George walks in, and up to a food replicator, "Chicken sandwich."
In a swirl of light the replicator provides the dish, George picks it up,
and carries over to Jerry's table and sits with him.
"So how's it going?", Jerry asks.
George, "Good, we managed to get the anitmatter plasma flow up another 47
terajoules."
"So will our engines go faster?"
"I have no idea."
Jerry, sarcastically, "Glad to know I have competent help."
George shakes him off, "So, I saw Erena again."
Jerry, puzzled, "Erena?"
George looks around, makes sure no one is really listening, "Yeah Erena."
"Oh," remembering, "is that what you call your little holographic toy?"
George stars to get a little defensive, "You don't need to feed them, you
can't take them anywhere, and you can change their looks and personality at will. I don't know why more people have holographic girlfriends.".. he looks as if he's pretty sure he made his case.
"I guess exploring interstellar space, and preventing ourselves from being
wiped out by an unstoppable enemy has chewed up all of our free time."
George, now getting really defensive, "Jerry, I spent a lot of time designing
Elena, I appreciate it if you show me some courtesy. Do I go around making
fun of your Superman holoprogram?"
Jerry, defeated, "You got a point there."
Kramer steps into the room, he catches his reflection in the window next to
him, and jumps at it, receiving many strange looks from the others in the mess.
Kramer notices Jerry and George, "Hey guys, you know that new guy on the
ship?"
Jerry and George, both respond in the affirmative.
"Well, him and I are organizing a little "function" for tonight."
George, "What sort of function?"
Kramer, "A function" he nods in Jerry's direction, hinting that he can't say
because of him.
Jerry, "What? because I'm the Captain means I can't know about this?"
"Exactly. "
"Come on Kramer you have to let me know!"
"Sorry buddy."
Jerry finishes up his meal, "Fine." frustrated he gets up, and tosses his
napkin in the booth, "Guess I'll be seeing you gentlemen later." With that
he leaves.
George looks to see that Jerry has left, and turns to Kramer, "So? ."
"We're organizing a ship's pool on the big Volarian fight."
"Why?"
"Have you ever seen a Volarian fight? "
"No. "
"The Volarians are very aggressive creatures, last month a guy's head got
ripped off!.. We're betting on how bad the casualties in the fight are going to be."
"Can I get in?"
"Alright, but don't tell Jerry, OK?
"Are you kidding? It's in the vault, got it?"
Later on... George walks up to the Holodeck Control Panel, presses a couple
buttons, looks around suspiciously, and enters the holodeck.
Meanwhile, on the bridge. Jerry is sitting in his chair, slouched, legs
crossed, looking around, visibly bored, the ensign at CONN slouches himself
a bit.
Jerry notices the Ensign, and puts on his Captain face, "Hey! No slouching!"
Suddenly the Tactical office yells out, "Captain! We're detecting a Jem
Hed'dar fighter approaching us, bearing 147 mark 35."
Jerr, not impressed or the least-bit scared. "On screen."
On the viewer Jerry sees a Jem Hed'dar fighter, "That's impressive. One
ship?"
"Sir, do you think we should go to red alert?"
"Yeah, whatever."
The red alert klaxon sounds, the ship shakes as the fighter fires at the
Enterprise ::
"Sir the fighter has fired upon us."
Jerry, slightly annoyed at the more-than obvious statement, "Yeah I know.
Fire
back at them with..., you know, one of those phaser thingies."
The officer at tactical gives Jerry a slightly worried look, "Yes sir."
The Enterprise fires a couple phaser beams back at the fighter and it
explodes.
"The fighter has been.." begins the tactics officer.
Jerry, annoyed. "...destroyed. Yes, we all know. Pat yourself on the back
hot shot."
The tactical officer shakes his head.
Elaine comes in through the turbolift, "Hey, what's going on?"
Jerry, "Oh.. we we're just blowing some stuff up."
"Oh, OK."
"So, how did it go with the Tarkalian?"
Elaine with a slightly disgusted, unsatisfied look on her face. "Well..."
Jerry opening up to Elaine, "Ok... spill it."
Elaine, trying to be gentle. "He didn't really, achieve 'maximum warp'."
Jerry responds with a puzzled look.
Elaine, smiles slightly, nods.
"Ohhh.... Well now you know why they don't do it that often." Jerry
responds.
Elaine, with a sigh. "Yeah."
"So what are you going to do now?"
"What else could I do? I broke up with him."
"I see that you have nothing but good intentions."
Elaine getting slightly upset, "Jerry, what am I going to do I've gone out
with like every guy on the ship."
"Why don't you talk to George? He may have something that could help you
out."
Elaine, notices other officers have started eavesdropping on hers and Jerry's
conversations, and yells back to them, "Do you mind?"
They go back to their business.
Jerry turns back to Elaine, "Hey, has Kramer talked to you about anything?"
"No, why?"
"Well, he's up to something and I just have to know what."
"Oh, you mean about the Volarian Pool?"
"Volarian Pool?"
The tactical officer chimes in, "Yeah, Kramer's organized a pool on the
Volarian fight tonight. I've got 100 Credits on a double-decapitation of the
challenger."
Jerry grins, jumps up, and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?!"
"I gotta go talk to Kramer!"
Elaine, confused, "You're just going to leave the Bridge to get involved in
some silly pool?"
"Hey I could make some real money on this!"
"What if there's an attack?"
Jerry, rather blase "Eh, this place runs itself."
A re-creation: A simple looking New York City Apartment. Elena is
seductive, overly attractive woman, the epitome of the male fantasy, she's lying in bed with George.
Elena, seductively, "Oh, George I have missed you. "
George, laughing to himself, "I'm sure you have."
"Tell me about your day."
"Eh, what's there to tell battles, tuning power flows, stuff like that."
Elena, with a seductive giggle, "Ohh! Sounds exciting!"
George, "Not really." he pauses for a second, "Hey, Elena, what do you say
you and I... (laughs slightly, gives her a little wink)... you know?"
Elena another giggle, "Oh, I thought you would never ask!"
Over in Kramer's quarters, in the civilian part of the ship. Kramer's place
is messy, erratically decored, some of the ships inner circuits have been exposed.
Kramer walks up to his food replicator.
Kramer looks at it... twists a couple of wires together then speaks into a
dangling microphone. "Coffee."
The exposed wiring over the replicator fires some sparks, which Kramer
jumps back from, the replicator sputters before developing some coffee in a
deformed cup.
Kramer picks up the cup as best as he can. He takes a sip, double takes, and
spits it back into the cup, and sits it back in the replicator. The door
chime sounds.
"Yeah?!"
The doors open, and Jerry storms in.
"Hey buddy, what's up?"
Jerry, takes note of Kramer's quarters. "Kramer look at this place! What am
I supposed to say during our next inspection?"
Kramer scratches his head and looks to Jerry, "Tell them you don't know what
happened."
"Nah, I can't that excuse is wearing thin."
"So what did you come see me for?"
"Kramer, I want in your pool."
"Oh no, Buddy I can't let you do that."
"Oh, Kramer why not?!"
"Jerry you know the rules on gambling."
Jerry, making a "wave-it-away" motion with his hand, "Oh screw the rules!"
Kramer, determined, "Nope, sorry, can't."
Jerry getting slightly upset, acting like a spoiled kid in a toy store.
"Kramer!"
"Nah!!"
Jerry, tying to get a word in, "Uh.."
"Nah!!!"
Jerry and Kramer, screaming at each other. "Ahhhh!!!!!!"
Jerry resigns to defeat.
Back on the bridge.
The tactical officer looks up from his console "Sir, we're detecting a Jem
Hed'dar fighter off the port bow!"
Elaine remains quiet.
"Commander Benes, may I remind you you're the ranking officer on the
bridge?"
Elaine, laughs in slight disbelief. "What? Me? No I'm just the Counselor."
Tactical, with a disgusted sigh, "Yes. But there is no one else here that
outranks you... experience aside. "
Elaine, not sure what to do.. stuck where she is, "Oh... Um well...."
Back on the holodeck...
Under the covers we can George and Elena "wrestling" around.
George screams out, "Oh Elena!"
The holographic Elena screams out, "Oh George!"
Back in Kramer's quarters.
Jerry takes a sip of coffee, " Ugh, you're right this is horrible. I'll
have to talk to George."
Kramer nods.
To the bridge...
The tactical officer screams out, "The ship is firing!"
The whole ship shakes from the impact, something explodes in the background.
"Sir, recommend we raise shields!"
Elaine, not impressed, "Whatever."
The tactical officer lets out a groan.
On the holodeck the bedroom and Elena disappear, and reverts back to it's
"off" state. George drops from the air onto to the floor, and yells out, "What
happened?!"
In Kramer's quarters, again....
Kramer feels the shaking of the ship, "What was that?"
Jerry, apathetically, "I'm sure it was nothing."
Back on the bridge.
Elaine, finishing her nails with an emery board.. "Return their fire."
The tactical officer punches in some commands in his console, "Aye...." the
Enterprise fires some phasers and a couple torpedoes.. and destroys the
attacker. "The ship has been destroyed. Job well done.. sir," He gives
Elaine a
slight smile.
Elaine looks up at him and gushes, "Well, thank you."
The following day as the gang meet for breakfast in the mess hall.
Jerry is sitting at his table, eating.
Elaine steps into the room, and cheerfully greets Jerry already at the table.
Jerry looks to her, "More Tarkalian Brandy? "
"No... Lieutenant Willis."
"The tactical officer?"
Elaine, satisfied, "Oh yeah... broke the barrier and re-drew the curve!"
"Glad to see you back on your feet."
George steps in, looking distressed and saddened, "Hey."
Jerry, "Hey, what's wrong?"
George, sits, "Elena... she's gone."
"Gone... how?"
"Well.. apparently." looking at Elaine and Jerry crossly, "She was lost
when we were attacked yesterday."
Elaine:, confused, "How could that be? No one was killed we only lost the
holo.." Catches herself, pats George on back, "Tough luck."
Jerry, "Holographic women... One minute they're here, the next minute gone."
George gives Jerry cross look.
Kramer enters and hands a PADD each to George and Elaine. "Here you go."
George, "What's this?"
Kramer, "The results of last night's fight."
George reads the PADD, "Fifth-arm amputation 700 Credits! "
Elaine, reads hers "OH!! Cracked tentacle.. 500 Credits!"
Jerry, getting slightly angry, "Let me see that..", he snatches George's
PADD, and reads it. "Oh! Total dis-emobodiment! I would have won 1000 Credits!"
Kramer, apologetic, "Sorry Buddy you should have gotten involved."
Jerry starting to get up out of his seat, walking towards Kramer, "I'll show
you involved."
Kramer realizes what's going on.. "Yipes... ", he takes off out door, with
Jerry trailing behind, George and Elaine turn around to watch.
George, to Elaine, "I'll bet yeah Jerry gets a fractured tibia."
A crewman in the mess turns and adds his thoughts, "Kramer, twisted ankle!"
Another crewman gets up, "Jerry, dislocated shoulder."
:: insert Seinfeldian Star Trek closing theme here ::
(
geocities.com/televisioncity/network) (
geocities.com/televisioncity)