Title: 'The Argument'[PythonTrek]
Author: Marlissa Campbell;
cpaddo19@idt.net,
or Marlissa_C@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Series: DS9
Characters: K, Du, Da
Summary: During the Dominion War, the Cardassians under Gul Dukat
briefly re-occupy the space station formerly known as 'Terok Nor'.
We all know that Cardassians are mean, cruel, sexy, ruthless,
takers... Guess what else? They LOVE to argue.
Note: If I'm gonna collect the stuff, I figured I'd better try my
hand at writing my own piece of PythonTrek. So, I decided to start
with my personal favorite among the many wonderful sketches from the
'Flying Circus': 'The Argument Sketch'. This story will be/has been
added to my PythonTrek archive at:
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Network/6011/
Disclaimers: I don't own these characters. Paramount does. I
don't even own the gags. Those belong to the Monty Python gang
(bless 'em). This is just a parody, and it's not-for-profit. So
for heaven's sake, don't sue me!
Crits: Go ahead. I dare you. I *love* to argue ;>.
==========
Kira strides down the dimly lit corridor. The only sounds are the
angry clicking of her heels on the floor, and the curses she is
muttering under her breath. She takes the turbo lift to ops, only
to be greeted by the unwelcome smirk of Glinn Damar who is loitering
just outside of what is rightly Captain Sikso's office.
"Good morning, Major Kira, Gul Dukat is expecting you for your usual
argument"
She looks as if she wants to kick the ugly leer off his face, but
leaves that for another time. "Get the hell out of my way Damar,
I'm certainly not going to waste my time arguing with the likes of
YOU! You smarmy, murderous, snotty-faced evil pan of vole
droppings!"
"Now, now, Major," his sneer broadens even more, "if that's your
idea of an argument, you'll find it won't get you very far with
HIM!" In case she isn't sure whom he's talking about, he jerks his
head in the direction of the office.
"As if I care about that! As if it's any of YOUR business!" She
gets right up in Damar's face to continue yelling at him, "Your type
makes me puke, Damar. YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS
PERVERT!!!"
Damar still doesn't stop smiling, although his eyes reveal his true
lack of humor. "You prove my point, Major. Like all Bajorans, you
are incapable of appreciating the true refinements of arguing--all
you understand is abuse."
"And like all Cardassians, Damar, you don't know what the hell
you're talking about!" She stomps up the steps to the station
commander's office, and just before the doors sweep open to admit
her, she utters in a stage whisper directed at Damar, "Stupid
spoonhead!"
The now open doors reveal Gul Dukat seated behind the captain's
desk, looking down, apparently absorbed in some item of work.
Kira rudely interrupts him, "I'm here for our daily argument, Dukat.
You've got five minutes of my time, and not one minute more. Let's
get this over with."
Dukat sighs patiently, and looks up--using a finger to mark the
place he was reading on his padd. "I asked you to wait for just a
moment, Major, while I finish up here."
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did."
"When?"
"Just now."
"No you didn't!"
"Yes I did!"
"You didn't!"
"I did!"
"You didn't!"
"I'm telling you, I did!"
"You didn't!"
Although his eyes glitter with anticipated pleasure, Dukat makes a
show of sighing again as he gives up on trying to read his padd. "I
don't think five minutes is going to be quite sufficient today,
Nerys. Shall we go for the full half hour?"
Kira scowls, "Five minutes will be MORE than enough."
Dukat dips his head in acquiescence, "Very well, five minutes it is
then. ...Anyway, I *did*."
"You most certainly did not!"
Dukat is plainly enjoying himself now, and wags his finger at her as
he insists, "Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most
definitely asked you to wait!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"No you DIDN'T!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"No you DIDN'T!"
"Oh yes I did!"
"No you DIDN'T!"
"Oh yes I did!" Dukat looks even more smug than usual, "Well, apart
from the fact that I DID ask you to wait, Nerys, I must say that
while this little exchange has served well enough as a diverting
warm-up exercise, it isn't an actual argument."
Kira hesitates for a moment before responding stubbornly, "Yes it
is!"
"No it isn't! --It's just contradiction!"
"No it isn't!"
"It IS!"
"It is NOT!"
"You just contradicted me!"
"No I didn't!"
"You DID!"
"No, no, no!"
"You did just then!"
"Nonsense!"
Finally, Dukat begins to look a little exasperated. "Really, Nerys,
this is going nowhere."
Kira looks around the room as if searching for a cue card to provide
her next line. She stops, swallows, and says quickly, "Yes it is!"
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is!"
Dukat sighs once more, seemingly disappointed in her performance,
"We agreed you were to come here for a good argument!"
"AH, no we didn't, I agreed that a daily argument would be part of
my duties as Bajoran liaison officer, there was no mention that it
had to be 'good'!"
"An argument isn't just contradiction."
"Well... It CAN be!"
"No it can't!" As he explains, Dukat chops at his open palm with
the side of his other hand. "An argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition."
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is! It isn't just contradiction."
"Look, in order to argue with you, I *must* take up a contrary
position!"
"True," he concedes, "But it isn't just saying, 'No it isn't'."
"Yes it is!"
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is!"
"No it isn't!"
"Yes it is!"
"No it ISN'T!" Dukat closes his eyes and waxes lyrical, "Argument
is an intellectual process. Argument is elegant and challenging.
Argument is the ultimate expression of the deepest affection and
respect between a man and a woman." He opens his eyes and frowns at
her. "Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything
the other person says."
Kira speaks with conviction, seeming to believe she has attained the
upper hand, "It is NOT!"
"It is!"
"Not at all!"
"It IS!" Dukat picks up Captain Sisko's baseball, and begins
dribbling it on the desktop. He looks at Kira from under lowered
brow-ridges.
Kira looks relieved, "Well, I guess that's it then."
"What?"
"That's it. Finito."
"I don't think so, Nerys. Things are just getting interesting."
"Not for me they're not. The five minutes are up."
"That was NOT five minutes!!"
"Yes it was."
"No it wasn't!"
"Well, I say it was, and I'm not arguing any more."
"WHAT??"
"Your five minutes are over, Dukat, I'm leaving."
"That was NOT five minutes, and you're NOT leaving yet!"
"Yes I AM!"
"Oh Come on, Nerys, this is ridiculous!"
"I told you, your five minutes are over! I'm not arguing any more
today!"
"Oh, all right. But...well..."
"Well WHAT?"
"That was NOT five minutes just now."
"I don't want to argue about it--your five minutes are up. Period."
"Ah hah! Well if today's five minutes are up, why are you still
arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! Are you starting to have fun,
Nerys? Is that why you're still here? You ENJOY this don't you?
Admit it!"
Kira turns and heads for the door, snarling over her shoulder, "I've
had enough of this Dukat--MORE than enough!"
Dukat chuckles, and says under his breath, "No you haven't." He
then adds more audibly, "Same time again tomorrow, Major. I'll be
expecting you!"
--The End--
--NO, it IS'NT!--
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