From thesnowleopard@hotmail.com Thu Dec 16 11:20:28 1999
Title: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Author: Paula Stiles (thesnowleopard@hotmail.com)
Series: DS9
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: [PG]
Codes: B/Ez
Summary: The first year after the end of the Dominion War, Ezri throws
a Christmas Party Reunion in Quark's and tries to get everyone to sing
Christmas carols. It goes about as well as such an effort does in any
dysfunctional family gathering--badly.
Note: To snog--(Brit. slang) to kiss, to snuggle, to make out, to lock
lips...well, you get the picture.
Archive: Sure, what the hell.
Disclaimer: Oh, please. Do you *really* think if I owned any part of
this franchise that I would have ended the series at seven seasons
without even a movie in the works? Paramount owns it all (except for
the carol, of course).
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ezri: Allright, everybody. Are you ready?
Bashir: No.
Worf: Be silent! Dax is trying to speak.
Bashir (sweetly): Well, you could always go back to Q'onos if I bother
you that much.
O'Brien: Knock it off, you two.
Ezri: A-HEM! And a One, and a Two...
All Together (raggedly): We *wish* you a Merry *Christ*-mas. We *wish*
you a Merry *Christ*-mas. We *wish* you a Merry *Christ*-mas and a
Hap-py New Year--
Kira: Waiiit a minute. Is this on the Federation Calendar? Because
it's summer on Bajor.
Ezri: Uh...I guess so.
O'Brien: Well, actually, it's the Terran New Year.
Keiko: The *Christian* New Year, you mean.
O'Brien: Well, it's the same thing.
Keiko (indignantly): *No,* it's not!
Bashir: She's right, Miles.
The O'Briens (in unison): Stay out of this, Julian.
Bashir: Fine. I'm just saying that it's the Christian New Year and
not, say, the Muslim New Year. I thought I'd mention that--since my
Mother always reminds me.
Ezri: Your Mom's Muslim?
Bashir: Yeah, and my Dad's an atheist.
Jake: So...what does that make you?
Bashir: Ummmm. Very confused?
Ezri (tapping on the bar with a shotglass): Let's move on, shall we?
Quark: Hey! That's *my* glass!
Ezri: Relax, Quark. I'll buy it from you, okay?
Quark: Fine. Just don't throw it.
Kira: Nah. That's Miles and Julian who do that.
Ezri: MO-ving onward. A one, and a two...
All Together: Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin. We *wish*
you a Merry *Christ*-mas and a Hap-py New Year.
Worf (to Bashir): You are no kin of mine.
Bashir: Bollocks to you, too, Ambassador.
Ezri: Hey! One more time--A One and a Two...
All Together (even more raggedly than before): Now *bring* us some
fig-gy pud-ding. Now, *bring* us some fig-gy pud-ding. Now, *bring* us
some fig-gy pud-ding and *bring* it right *here.*
Jake: What the heck is "figgy pudding," anyway?
O'Brien: It's an English thing.
(Everybody looks at Bashir)
Bashir: What?
Kira: Well? What is it?
Bashir: You're asking *me?*
O'Brien: Well, you *are* English.
Bashir: So what? I've never heard of it. It sounds absolutely hideous.
Ezri, isn't there any more to this stup--I mean, really brilliant
song?
Ezri (glaring at Bashir): Why, yes, *dear*, there is. Shall we? A ONE
and a TWO...
All Together (not at all in sync): We *won't* go until we get some. We
*won't* go until we get some. We *won't* go until we get some, so
*bring* some right *here.*
Worf: The people in this song are utterly lacking in courtesy--and
therefore completely without honor.
Bashir: Sorry? What happened to "Let's all respect Dax. Shut up and
sing, or I'll disembowel you with my bat'leth?"
Worf: You childish, dishonorable Pat'ak! I cannot believe that *you*
were the one who stole my wife away from me.
Bashir: Listen, mate, you *threw* her away. And she wasn't even your
wife anymore in the first place---
Ezri: JU-lian.
Bashir: *That* was Jadzia. Besides, last time I checked, Dax was a
free agent. So she chose me, this time. Get used to it, you miserable
sod.
Worf: You insult me? Useless, thieving Pa'tak!
Bashir: Git.
Ezri: Gu-uys.
Worf: Cowardly, lying Pa'tak!
Bashir: Wanker.
O'Brien: Worf, why don't you quit while you're behind, eh?
Bashir: Yeah, the least you could do is come up with a new insult.
Sore loser.
Worf: ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!
Kira (moving up quickly behind Worf): Sorry, Ezri. I think this little
holiday experiment is over. We'll meet you back here at 1900 hours for
the turkey dinner and hot snoggies---
O'Brien: That's *toddies,* Colonel. Not *snoggies.*
Bashir (raptly): Oooh. Hot snoggies. Now, *there's* an image.
Ezri (coldly): Don't expect any from *me* anytime soon, buster.
Kira: Snoggies. Toddies. Whatever. We'll meet you guys later for
dinner, okay? Come on, Worf. Let's go whack some furniture in Odo's
old quarters. (She maneuvers the enraged and speechless Klingon out
the door).
Keiko: I think we'd better go, too. The babysitter could use a break.
Jake, do you want to come see Molly? She's been asking about you all
the way from Earth.
Jake: Hey, that'd be great. Thanks. I can tell her all about Nog's new
assignment in the Gamma Quadrant.
O'Brien (to Ezri): We'll come back with the presents. I've made up a
great new holoprogram of a Christmas Tree and a nice, roaring
fireplace.
Ezri: But...but, what about the carol?
Keiko: Maybe we can we try again, later, with the kids there to help
keep us all in the right holiday spirit (She looks pointedly at
Bashir, who looks innocent). See you in a few hours. Byebye. (The
O'Briens and Jake leave for the Habitat Ring).
Ezri: Dammit, Julian. I am not happy with you.
Bashir: Quark.
Quark: What?
Bashir (picking up Ezri's bar glass): Take a walk.
Quark: Hey! This is *my* bar--okay, okay. I can take a hint. Don't
throw that glass at me. It's still mine (he leaves).
Ezri: Julian, I can't *believe* you did that to Worf.
Bashir (shrugs): Sorry.
Ezri: No, you're not.
Bashir: Well, no. Not really, I suppose. Not the way you mean.
Ezri: I'll go talk to him.
Bashir (plaintively): What, *now?*
Ezri: Can you think of any reason why I shouldn't?
Bashir: Well, I had your present in our quarters. I was going to wrap
it up for you after the carolling.
Ezri: I didn't see any present--Why didn't you wrap it before? Did it
need that much paper?
Bashir: Not really. All it needs is a strategically placed bow--and a
big smile, of course.
(Silence)
Ezri: That's it? Just a bow?
Bashir: And a smile. A slightly evil smile.
Ezri: Um. Where, exactly, would you put...
(More silence)
Ezri: How long did you say it would take to un--I mean, wrap this
present?
Bashir: Not very long.
Ezri: 15 minutes?
Bashir: I think I could handle that.
Ezri (backing out the door unsteadily): Hm. Well then. Don't be late.
Bashir: I won't (Ezri leaves). Well, that went better than I expected.
Quark (coming back into the bar): Hey! We never finished the song!
Bashir (with a slightly evil smile): I won't tell, if you won't.
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