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THE CHRISTMAS FILKS FROM HELL
NEW JINGLE BELLS 1/1 [PG] (CHRISTMAS PARODY)
Title: Jingle Bells
Author: Paula Stiles (thesnowleopard@hotmail.com)
Series: VOY
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: [G]
Codes: K/7
Summary: Ensign Kim tries to teach Seven of Nine "Jingle Bells". Poor guy.
When will he ever learn?
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the fun Trek stuff in this poem, and God only
knows who wrote the carol. I beg your forgiveness, whoever you are, for
mangling your carol for my own purposes, and for making fun of Paramount
(ooh, but it feels so *good*). I grovel at your feet. There, are your
lawyers happy, now?
JINGLE BELLS-WITH ENSIGN KIM AND SEVEN OF NINE
Kim: Okay, Seven. You ready?
Seven: This is utterly pointless.
Kim: Now, come on, Seven. You agreed to do this.
Seven: That does not change my assessment of this exercise.
Kim: Look, just sing after me, okay? (Singing) Dashing through the snow.
Seven (Singing perfectly in key): Accelerating pointlessly through the
accumulation of crystalline H2O structure at minus 2.0365 degrees Celsius
(breaks off) What?
Kim: Uh...nothing. (Singing) In a one-horse open sleigh.
Seven (singing): In an open land vehicle powered by an inefficiently fuel
burning, herbivorous, lower Terran life form.
Kim (a little desperately): O'er the fields we go.
Seven (singing): Over the crop areas left fallow for the cold season we
proceed.
Kim (hysterically): Laughing all the way!
Seven (singing): Expressing ourselves in a frivolous and inefficient manner.
Kim (whimpering): Bells on bob-tails ring.
Seven: I am afraid that I will have to run that phrase through the Universal
Translator in order to properly analyze it.
Kim: MAKING SPIRITS BRIGHT.
Seven (singing): Creating a radical change in biochemistry, possibly aided
by mind-altering substances.
Kim (voice cracking): What fun it is to Laugh and Sing A SLEIGHING SONG
TONIGHT!
Seven: That is your opinion. I disagree.
Kim: SE-VEN!
Seven: What?
Kim (sighs): Nothing. Never mind. (Singing) Jingle bells. Jingle bells.
Jingle all the waaaay.
Seven: Is this 'Jingle bell' like Red Alert?
Kim: NO!
Seven: Are you certain?
Kim: YES! (Singing) Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh.
Seven: Why are we rephrasing the first line of the song?
Kim: We're NOT. We're singing the chorus. (Singing) Jingle bells. Jingle
bells. JINGLE ALL THE WAY. Sing along, will you?
Seven: Why are you repeating yourself?
Kim: Because, IT'S THE CHORUS. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a
ONE...HORSE...OP-EN...SLEIGGGGGHHHHHHH! (Stops, panting)
Seven: Ah. Yet another pointless exercise in trying to make me more Human. I
must speak to the Doctor about narrowing the parameters of these
experiments. (She walks off.)
Kim (banging head against bulkhead): There must be easier ways to get a
date. There must be easier ways to get a date. There must be easier ways to
get a date.
NEW A TREKKIE'S CHRISTMAS 1/1 [PG] ( CHRISTMAS PARODY)
Title: A Trekkie's Christmas
Author: Paula Stiles (thesnowleopard@hotmail.com)
Series: MIS
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: [PG] Nothing your average 13-year-old couldn't think up.
Codes: None
Summary: The Twelve Days of Christmas (as if you couldn't tell), from a
Trekkie's POV.
Otherwise known as "My Brother's and My Christmas Lists Set to Music."
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the fun Trek stuff in this poem, and God only
knows who wrote the carol. I beg your forgiveness, whoever you are, for
mangling your carol for my own purposes, and for making fun of Paramount
(ooh, but it feels so *good*). I grovel at your feet. There, are your
lawyers happy, now?
A TREKKIE'S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
A Vulcan in a g-string.
On the second day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a g-string.
On the third day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a g-string.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the fifth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
A sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the seventh day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Seven sterile tribbles, a sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Eight Guls a-plotting, seven sterile tribbles, a sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Nine Vedeks chanting, eight Guls a-plotting, seven sterile tribbles, a
sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the tenth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Ten pompous admirals, nine Vedeks chanting, eight Guls a-plotting, seven
sterile tribbles, a sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
Eleven sneering Romulans, ten pompous admirals, nine Vedeks chanting, eight
Guls a-plotting, seven sterile tribbles, a sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, a trekkie sent to me
A dozen hapless redshirts, eleven sneering Romulans, ten pompous admirals,
nine Vedeks chanting, eight Guls a-plotting, seven sterile tribbles, a
sixpack of bloodwine.
Five...latinum...rings.
Four Shatner rugs, three Borg babes, two pointy ears, and a Vulcan in a
g-string.
NEW MERRY CHRISTMAS AT QUARK'S 1/1 [PG] (CHRISTMAS PARODY)
Title: Merry Christmas at Quark's
Author: Paula Stiles (thesnowleopard@hotmail.com)
Series: DS9
Part: NEW 1/1
Rating: [PG] Some talk about booze. Hey, he's a bartender.
Codes: Qu
Summary: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," as, ah, modified by
Quark. The image I got while I wrote this, of Quark trolling around the bar
warbling the song, was pretty appalling.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all the fun Trek stuff in this poem, and God only
knows who wrote the carol. I beg your forgiveness, whoever you are, for
mangling your carol for my own purposes, and for making fun of Paramount
(ooh, but it feels so *good*). I grovel at your feet. There, are your
lawyers happy, now?
HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS AT QUARK'S
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Welcome to my bar.
Toast the New Year with my second-best kanar.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Did that glass just move?
Constable, there's nothing you could ever prove.
So, have yourself a slimy little Christmas, phbbbt!
Come right in. I've got synthehol,
Dabo tables, and Earth beer.
Credit is always easily got,
If you pay your tab by next year.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Sit right down by Morn.
Try his latest recipe for Trill popcorn.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas, now.
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