From rob4654@webtv.net Thu Sep 16 23:35:06 1999
Title : Yesterday's Satellite Of Love
Author : Rob Morris
Series : TNG/MST3K
Part : 3 of 3
Type : TNG Situation/MST3K setting
Code : Misting Included
Episode Remixed : Yesterday's Enterprise
Fanfic Misted : The original version of 'Behold, The Ancient Destroyer!'
Premise : My take on the way the MST3K finale could have been done.
Characters : All Together Now
Summary : Joel, Mike, and all six bots are about to be targeted by
Doctor Clayton Forrester's hidden superweapon. Can the Satellites
survive?
---------------------------------------------
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On 'Poltergeist : The Legacy' , a new episode---if you don't have
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Also, tune in for the Hack-Off between SFC and FX, as we see just how
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Now, back to Mystery Science Theater 3000, which you ungrateful bastard
viewers should thank us for saving before we summarily canceled it
again.
------------------------------------
Yesterday's Satellite Of Love
By Rob Morris
--------------------------------
( Aboard The SOW )
Servo1 : Guys, the Mads are calling us.
Joel : Yes, Oh Evil That Lies Within?
CF : Ah, good. All the wastrels are in one place. We, here at Greater
Castle Forrester, have come up with a way to end this fun but draining
War with the Nanites.
PF : It was the subject of much debate--well, not much debate...BrainGuy
suggested Cannolis, and there we were!
Mike : So give. How do we end this war once and for all?
Crow2 : Yeah. I mean, the actual Nanite War only lasted three years.
Crow1 : Um, me? That was MASH.
Crow2 : Nuh-uh! No hway! MASH lasted eleven seasons! Guess I'm just a
leeetle superior to my Bonaparte.
Crow1 : Your--counterpart.
Crow2 : I can see that they just breed ignoranceity here!
Crow1 : ( Leaps at him ) BREED This, Dickweed!
( They struggle mightily--not so's you'd notice )
Mike : Stop it, you two!
Servo2 : Guys, this is futile.
Crow1 : You mean because we are, in essence, the same being?
Crow2 : Because all war is ultimately futile and self-destructive?
Servo1 : Um, no. I think he meant your common lack of useful limbs for
fighting.
Servo2 : But if you guys want to go with those grandiose, end-of-episode
explanations---hey, who are we to argue?
Crow2 : They're No One!
Crow1 : Lets get em'!
( A free for all breaks out between the bots )
Joel : We have it once again--war between the robots.
Mike : Yeah, but its good for cleaning out the bad blood--every seven to
ten years.
PF : AHEEMMMM!!! OUR plan?!
CF : Simmer down, Mother. Now, Mike, Joel....aaaaagghh!!!
( Pearl tries to garrotte him )
PF : Hush, little baby, don't say a word...uhhhh?
( Frank holds a gun up to Pearl's eye )
Frank : Joey Bagodonutso says Hi. Now this can go one of
two....saaayyyy!!
( Observer Holds Up A TV Guide )
Observer : Look, Frank. Its The Fall Preview Edition--your returning
favorites!!
Now let dear Pearl....Not My Brain!!
( Josh Weinstein, Forrester's first assistant, returns! )
JW : We're about to go 'Jan-In-The-Pan' one better.
Now-put-down-the-guide!
Frank : Josh? I thought I used you for stew stock!
JW : Technically, Frank, you did. But we needed everybody here, for this
little shindig.
CF : What about Torgo?
JW : He's off doing a slash-thing with that guy from 'Incredibly Strange
Creatures That Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies'. Folks---it
gets ugly.
Observer : Gets?
Frank : Yeah. It involves serrated knives and a rock tumbler---NOT for
the faint of heart.
PF : Well, I can end this Mexican standoff. Bobo--take Weinstein out!
Bobo? Bobo!!!
( We see Bobo playing on The Internet )
Bobo : We download the patch--anddddd-- Lara Croft, you are bouncing
around like nobody's business--cept everyone can see your business! Swat
em' with those big bouncies, Lady Croft! Mmm-Nummy!!
( All the combatants now stand behind Bobo, punching their hands )
Mike : AHEMMM!!! Your plan?
( In the background, Bobo is being severely injured while Clayton talks
)
CF : Here it is--in a nutshell, fellas. We have rerouted all the Nanites
to The Sattelite Of War, and plan to have our mercenary blow them and
you up.
( Holds Up A Clipboard )
Are you for or against?
Mike : ahhh--I'm gonna have to go with against, here, Doc.
Joel : Now, Mike. We gotta try and keep an open mind.
( Stops and thinks, shakes his head )
No we don't! Hey, Doctor Forrester, now just where do you get off
blowing us up?
CF : Oh, well. It could be because I fancy myself the second most evil
being in the entire universe!!!
Mike : All righty, then? Just who's first?
PF : Watch the wormhole--then die screaming.
Observer : Your fate shall be adjudged by one so
powerful.......that....he's really, really powerful! We're talking power
here.
JW : I pity the fool that doesn't pity you fools.
Mike : Good thing he only went the one season, with material like that.
Servo2 : I dunno, Mike. He sounds familiar to me--somehow...
( Wormhole opens )
All SOLer's : ( Gasping ) HAAAHHGGHH!!!
Mike : Its The One True Enemy Of Life!
That's as opposed to those imposter demons, like Skeletor and Mumm-Ra.
Joel : The Prophecy Has Been Fulfilled! But you know then, prophecies,
they tend to do that a lot.
Servo1 : He's about 667 miles in total diameter!
Servo2 : 667, Gracie?
Servo1 : He had an off day.
Crow1 : Gasping exposition!
Crow2 : Statement of resolve!
Gypsy1 : We have ascertained the identity of our attacker.
Gypsy2 : Judging by the three heads, two tails, and lightning-rays, we
feel he is...
Mike : Gyspies, we already know its King Ghidorah.
Gypsy1 : ( Turns to Gyspy2 ) THAT'S why he's the Captain!
Joel : This is it, Mike.
Mike : Joel, nothing can keep us from this--the final battle.
Joel : I want you bots to combine with the SOL and SOW to form the
Ultra-Mega SatellBot!
Mike : I'll take the controls.
Crow1 : Noper.
Crow2 : No-Can-Do, Guys!
Servo1 : Our combo-form...has a slight defect.
Servo2 : Due to faulty tesseract technology that Joel here used in
creating us, the Sattelbot is actually smaller than all of us combined.
Fact is, we ourselves can't get into it.
Mike : Then we fight.
Joel : Just not for very long.
( ALARM SOUNDS )
All : WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!
( Ignoring the imminent doom, they go into the theater )
Onscreen : THE WHALE PROBE AND V'GER HAD GHIDORAH CORNERED. FOR THE
ANCIENT DESTROYER, THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.
Crow1 : Ghidorah should just turn in his heads. They make everyone
nervous.
Servo1 : Limp-wristed pinko pantywaist! You'll get his heads when you
pry them off his cold dead necks.
Crow2 : Saaayy, I'd pay to see that.
Servo2 : And You Will Pay. One Day You'll All Pay...Bwwoowohooohoo!
Mike : Does The Whale Probe know about the plight of poor neglected
Charlie Tuna?
Joel : Does V'ger have a tiny little version of Chakotay inside of him?
And is he equally ineffectual?
Mike : Gee, I don't know if that's even possible.
Onscreen : THE FORCES OF THE EMPIRE, LED BY THE EVIL JAMES T. KIRK,
POURED THROUGH THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER.
Servo2 : Ok--this is already an alternate universe. So is the Mirror
World a common AU to both, and just how many times will Lazarus fall off
the cliff?
Servo1 : Doncha just hate evil empires that invade during Armageddon? No
sense of decorum. Shows poor upbringing.
Mike : Now, if this guy killed his TOS crew, then who'd he sleep with? I
mean, even an evil Kirk has to be picky.
Joel : Well, I did hear tell he likes to put on Uhura's mini-skirt while
playing his Doors tapes. But don't let on it was me that told you.
Crow1 : Geez, by now evil Chekov must be a toaster pastry in that agony
booth.
Crow2 : He wanted to move up in rank--but his bunkmate said he was quite
rank enough.
Onscreen : PETER PLEADED WITH HIS UNCLE TO NO AVAIL.
"UNCLE JIM, MY EVIDENCE LEADS CLEARLY TO PROVING THE EXISTENCE OF
GHIDORAH."
"PETER, YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PARENTS ON DENEVA.
THIS OBSESSION IS CAUSING ME TO QUESTION YOUR SANITY. SOME FAIRY-TALE
DRAGON IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CURRENT SITUATION."
Crow1 : Riiiiiiiggghhtttt!!! Those silly planets just destroyed
themselves.
Crow2 : Pshaw, and Pnash! Peter, just for that, you have to take your
cousin David's place when Jim Ignatauski kills him.
Joel : You know, if I hadn't seen my nephew in like twenty years, I
might say Hi or hug him or give him a model train. I think, though, if
you question his sanity, he's not gonna take it too well. Kids are like
that.
Mike : Well, we know Peter has a lot of evidence to back his theory.
After all, that wacko workaholic spent a whole two big paragraphs
gathering it. Now, that's what I call gumption.
Servo1 : Is there anything sadder than a nephew and uncle just not
getting along?
Servo2 : Our lives spring to mind.
Servo1 : Well, DUH!!!
( Fanfic ends, incomplete. They leave theater )
Mike : Oh, boy--Ghidorah's gonna strike.
We are oreo filling!
Joel : Death isn't so bad--mainly you're dead after it happens, then you
kinda don't notice.
Servo1 : I'm gonna try to make final peace with the Nanites. Hey, Ned?
Ned The Nanite : Yeah?
Servo1 : Sorry about the war, and Crow killing your queen. It all seems
so irrelevant, now.
Ned : And...You Are???????
Mike : We're the guys you've been fighting an unending war
with--Remember?
Ned : But that war ended months ago, when Crow bought us a new queen at
the Nanite Farm. What, he didn't tell you?
Crow1 : Hey--Am I supposed to keep every message that comes through
here? I have a life, too, you know.
Crow2 : What is my counterpart, Mike? Your Mule? Huh? Is that how it is?
Servo2 : Ned? Can You Guys Get Rid Of King Ghidorah---without destroying
all planets?
Ned : Ghidorah? No sweat. We'll just.....
( They vanish off-screen )
Mike : Hey, what happened to them?
Gypsy1 : I and my counterpart have great news.
Gypsy2 : We have permanently rid the ship of the Nanite infestation!
( We see the two Gypsies being shoved out the airlock )
Joel : Higher ships' functions or no, they had that one coming.
Mike : Wait--I'm recieving a message from Ghidorah! He says he'll let us
live if we listen to his three heads sing Acapella on 'In The Still Of
The Night'.
Joel : Hey, I'm good with that.
Servo1 : Mike, reply in the affirmative.
Servo2 : Saved, and safe at home!
( We see the Crows talking to Ghidorah )
Crow1 : We don't want to listen to your Crapapella singing, Dickweed!
Crow2 : That's right, Bunion-Breath! Take your girly-mon heads and go
chase your tails!
( They see the others begin to sob )
Crow1 : Oh--yeah. He was gonna let us live.
Crow2 : Boy--isn't that just so us?
( Outside, Ghidorah pushes the Satellite with his tails, beginning its
descent )
Mike : Is there no one who can save us?
Servo1 : Nope. We're doornail city.
Servo2 : Gone-Going-Gon--ers!!
Crow1 : Pools of metal and protoplasm.
Crow2 : Certain doom, served on a shingle.
Joel : You're all wrong---there is one who can save us.
Mike : But Joel--we've all said some god-awful things about him. Will he
still help us?
Joel : ( Shakes his finger ) He's a hero, Mister. That means he'll
always help us.
Servo2 : I've sent out the signal. Now all we can do is hope--and punish
the Crows horribly for their--well, for extreme acts of Crow-ness.
Crows : But It was my counterpart that did it! TRAITOR!!
( In Castle Forrester )
CF : Frank, do you have the descent parameters?
( Frank is with Bobo by the Computer )
Frank : Wow, she's really naked!
PF : I have them, dear. Oh, its so much fun to watch them die--ooh, and
later, Phil and Maury are on Oprah!
Observer : My advanced world is avenged, at long last! Pity I never
liked anybody who lived there. But I can take unjust vengeance on their
behalf!
JW : I was here for the beginning....and I'm here for the
hors'd'auevers, now.
Ooh--pigs in a blanket!
Bobo : No, no Frank--they just stuck Dolly Parton's head there.
CF : Wait--something is approaching their position-I can't make it out!
PF : Its--a burning disk--with arms and a head. Oh, he's stopped them.
Brain-Guy, destroy them all for me.
Observer : So you can turn this into Aliens Vs. Predator. Hmmm--the
first person perspective is a bit disconcerting.
PF : ( Hammer In Hand ) Clayton, I'll be right back.
CF : Don't smash my computer, Mother!
PF : Oh, I'm not going to touch the computer.
( We hear yells--lots of them )
( Aboard the SOL )
Mike : ( Bouncy Theme ) Cambot!!
Joel : Cam-Bot!!
Servo1 : Now, our movies and fics....
Servo2 : You will see us watch no more..
Crow1 : Though we treated him like Number Two..
Crow2 : The Turtle is one swell guy, and he sure came through...
Mike : Now, we go to the ground...
Joel : To give the Mads a taste of their stuff!
Crow1 : Now we have all been saved!
Crow2 : Now we throw a major rave...
Servo1 : He helped us survive that close shave...
Servo2 : Now we give a Baseball-Wave
Mike : For we have our hero true
Joel : Flying through The Sky Of Blue!
All Together : WE'VE BEEN SAVED BY GAMERA!!!!!!!!
( The Mads and Henchmen see the great turtle safely return them all to
Earth )
CF : Hmmm....I think they'll want to hurt us!
PF : Oh, they're not petty...wait, yes they are. I think they take after
me.
Frank : Guys---I think we are so dead. And I don't mean put on a new
head dead, neither!
JW : I was only on for one season! I get left out of this--right?
( A burning arrow flies in with a message 'Oh , You're Like SOOO In' )
Bobo : I'll stay here and fight them off--for you, my Lawgiver.
PF : Gee, thanks, Bobo. But if you died for me, there's the eensiest
chance I'd owe you one, and I just don't even want to go there.
Observer : I have enough power for one last transport--I'll aim us for
the wormhole.
CF+PF : No--Brainguy---
( The Mads all appear aboard the SOL-KTMA, still in orbit )
CF : Well, Mother--It seems you forgot to tell your henchman about how
Ghidorah sealed the wormhole, once he left.
PF : Oh, great, Clayton. Blame me just because I'm responsible for his
existence. How badly did I raise you, anyway?
( On the SOL screen appears the former SOL'ers )
Joel : Hi, Forresters Gump!
Mike : In The Not Too Distant Future, Revenge Is Mighty Sweet....
Servo1 : We dug through some piles of stuff here--peeeeww!!!
Servo2 : We found one so evil, even you had vowed to never use it--too
obvious, I believe your notes said.
CF : Noooo....not.....
Crow1 : The Golden Turkey Award Winner Of All Time!
PF : Oh, Please.....We'll be good. Just let us go, and we'll find a way
to trap you all back up here...damned Truth Serum Martini!
Crow2 : From The Mind Of Director Ed Wood...and I don't mean Johnny
Depp!
Mike : So, Joel, without further ado..
Joel : I beam you now a movie that was filmed while one of its stars was
dead!
All former SOL'ers : PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!!!
( ALARM SOUNDS, SIGNALLING THE DEATH-KNELL OF MST3K )
All Former Mads : ( Very sadly ) WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN!!!!!
( Fade To Black; End Theme )
( Stinger ) ( Former SOLers ) :
ABYSINNIA!!!!
-----------------------------------------
AND REMEMBER--ITS ALL BASED ON SWORN TESTIMONY!!!
---------------------------------------
This is dedicated to ten years of goofy fun on Mystery Science Theater
3000. We should all learn to really just relax.
So don't ask to see any Mads return with blond hair and pointed ears.
-- Rob
No obligation : Short Stories :
http://www.southroad.com/brightfame/
Ancient Destroyer :
http://www.telepath.com/kkuhlman/fanindex.html
(
geocities.com/televisioncity/network) (
geocities.com/televisioncity)