Elizabeth advanced slowly into Lucky's room. She walked around behind him and gazed at his back. Angry red scars crisscrossed each other, more than she could count. Some of them looked newer than others, showing that there had been repeated beatings. Lucky closed his eyes and bowed his head as she gently traced one with her fingertip. The muscles along his back rippled under her finger and she pulled it away. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," he answered, barely audibly. He looked up at her and saw the tears and compassion in her eyes, and looked back down quickly, trying to swallow a huge lump that was forming in his throat. The back of his eyelids were burning with tears he was afraid to let go because if he did, they might never stop.
Elizabeth knelt down on the floor next to Lucky, realizing that the scars were not only physical. When she had first seen them she'd had to bite back the scream of outrage she felt welling up in her. Those monsters! How could they have beaten an innocent, defenseless boy? She realized right now, though, that ranting and raving wasn't going to help Lucky, so, instead she took his hands in hers and looked up into his eyes, waiting for him to tell her.
Lucky didn't know if he was going to be able to talk. He swallowed a couple of times and took a deep breath, unconsciously grasping her hands tighter, like a lifeline. "Well, I guess I should start from the beginning. I mean the beginning of my time with Helena. That's where this happened. Faison was more into mind trips than physical stuff." He pulled Elizabeth up off the floor and she sat on the bed facing him, but not letting go of his hands. Her expression told him to go on, that he could do it.
He took another breath and gazed at the wall above Elizabeth's head, but didn't really see it. He was seeing the cane pole, hearing it whistle through the air before it made contact with his bare back. He was seeing Helena standing there, looking pleased and almost apologetic at the same time.
"The first time they did it was right after they brought me there and I told one of them to go to Hell. He told me that we were already there, and that I would learn my place soon enough. It was just a couple of lashes that time, just to show me that they were in charge, they said. After that, it was every few days. They would wait just long enought for the cuts to heal a little bit, then they'd do it again." He shook his head and gave a humorless chuckle. "See, I couldn't keep my mouth shut, and they wouldn't leave me alone. They wanted me to do stuff--they were training me to work for her. When they would give me an instruction, I would tell them to go...well I would tell them off using the most creative language I could think of."
"Oh, Lucky..." It was all Elizabeth could do to hold herself together right now. But she had to let him finish. She let go of his hands as he got up to pace around the room.
Lucky was having a hard time getting this out. He wanted to tell Elizabeth to forget it, that he didn't want to talk about it, but he knew he had to tell her. "They would tie me down to my cot, on my stomach. Usually they only hit me five or six times, but it hurt...so bad. Especially since it was on top of the old wounds that were trying to heal. This is really embarassing, but I screamed, Elizabeth. I screamed like a little kid. I can still hear it in my mind, the sound echoing off the walls, and Helena telling me that no one would hear me down there." Lucky was standing in front of the window, looking out as he talked now. He knew that if he looked at Elizabeth he wouldn't be able to finish. "Sometimes I actually prayed to God to just take me. But that never happened. And this is the weird part. After the beatings, Helena herself would come and sit by me while I lay there crying like a baby. She would apologize to me and rub some bad-smelling stuff on the cuts to keep them from getting infected. She would act like she was so sorry, but that it had been for my own good."
Elizabeth couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They were streaming down her face and she was holding her hand tightly on her mouth to keep from sobbing out loud. She wanted so badly to go to Lucky and hold him, but she knew she had to let him finish first.
Lucky took a shuddering breath. He was on the edge of losing it, but now he had come to the part that he was most ashamed of, and if he didn't tell her now, he didn't know if he ever would. "This is the worst part. I said things I didn't mean about my parents, my father especially. I just couldn't take the beatings anymore. I was a coward, Elizabeth! I pretended to go along with Helena so they wouldn't hurt me anymore, and it worked. They stopped. Helena told me that I had to forget about you because she knew that you were my weakest spot, the chink in my armor. So I told her....I told her that I never really loved you. I knew it was my only chance of ever getting out of there, but I felt like I was selling my soul to the devil...." Now his shoulders were shaking, and he could hardly get the next words out. "I didn't mean it, Elizabeth! I swear I didn't mean it! I never stopped loving you for a second! I'm so....I'm so sor-sorry." He bowed his head into his hands, unable to talk anymore.
Now Elizabeth went to him. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close as his deep, wracking sobs shook both of their bodies. "It's okay, Lucky, I know you didn't mean it," she said softly into his ear. After a few moments, when he had calmed down, she led him back over the to bed and they sat back against the headboard of his bed. They sat there a little while, not saying anything, while Lucky tried to get himself together.
Finally he sighed. "This is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew I would come apart, and you would think I was even more of a..of a wuss. Now you know what a coward I am, Elizabeth. I could have fought harder, I could have put up with more..."
"Lucky, stop it!" she interrupted him, sitting up to face him. "Do you hear yourself? Do you hear what you're saying?" She laid her hand gently on his cheek and smiled sadly. "Doesn't it sound familiar to you? I remember someone else saying those same things, saying that it was their fault, and that they were weak, and that they should have fought harder. Don't you remember? Then I remember someone else--someone really wise--telling that person that it wasn't her fault."
"But this is dif--"
"No, it's not. I mean, yeah, the situations are different, but the way you were feeling was in a way the same. A feeling of helplessness, and rage that you didn't fight back. But you were as powerless as I was to stop it, Lucky. At least physically. But you were smart, not weak. You did what you had to do to survive, to get out of there. I don't believe that you meant anything you said to them for a second..."
"I didn't, I swear, Elizabeth. He felt another tear trickle down his cheek and as she wiped it away with her finger, he smiled a little bit at her, starting to believe that maybe she was right. He felt cleansed now that he had told her his secret, and he still saw the love shining in her eyes as she gazed into his. "So, you still want to marry me?"
"Just try and stop me! I love you, Lucky. I always will, and I can't wait to marry you."
He sighed in relief and pulled her close, kissing her, then murmuring, "I love you too, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for listening to me, and for being so..so...you really are the best there is."
She smiled, remembering that time in the boxcar when he had told her that the first time.
He held her close for a moment more then asked, "Remember this morning in your room, when I saw that black, um, thing?"
She looked at him quizically. "Yeah?"
"Well, you asked me if I thought about our wedding night, and I kind of acted weird I know. That was partly because of the scars, and partly....well, I just wanted to make sure you knew that I can't wait, I mean, I can wait, but I'm really excited...uh I mean...Oh man, this must be my day to embarass myself." He sighed and started over, feeling his face warm up as he spoke. "I sort of talked to my dad about this the other day, but it was pretty weird." Lucky laughed a little. "He thought that we were already..." he looked at Elizabeth and rolled his eyes a little.
"Oh!" she said, "I never thought of that. We've slept in the same room so many times, that it never occurred to me that someone else might get the idea that...well, you know."
"Yeah, well they did." Lucky nodded. "I told him that we haven't...um...yet, and I also told him, well I tried to tell him that I was kind of nervous about the whole thing." He looked at Elizabeth with troubled eyes. "What if I do it....wrong? What if I hurt you?"
Elizabeth smiled lovingly at him. "Oh, Lucky. I'm a little nervous too, not because I think you'll hurt me or anything, because you won't. You could never hurt me. I think you're supposed to be a little nervous about new things, don't you?" Then she blushed before she added, "Besides, we have our whole lives to practice."
Lucky grinned at her. "Yeah, I guess we do, huh?" His mouth lowerd to hers and he kissed her passionately, until they were interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Lucky? Elizabeth?" It was Laura.
"Omigosh! I forgot!" exclaimed Elizabeth, sitting up. "My parents are here!"
"Your parents!?" Lucky's eyes narrowed. He didn't have much use for them.
"Lucky, I know, but try to be nice. They came to say they were sorry, and they want to go to the wedding. I told them they could. They want to meet you first, of course, and...Lucky, what are you going to say to them?" she asked, watching with worried eyes as Lucky pulled his shirt over his head.
"Don't worry, Elizabeth, I won't spoil our wedding day, even though I have a few choice words I could say to them. C'mon," he said taking her hand. "Let's go meet them."