What's Right With America

Boy that whole Russian thing didn't pan out did it huh? Looks like our way of life isn't so bad after all. You know, normally, I come out here week after week and piss on everything like a drunk yard cat. You know that's my job I've always thought I'm paid to find things that are wrong and then do my best to throw the switch on the perimeter flood lights and light it up. Tonight we're going to talk about what's right with America. Now I know you've got to burrow pretty deep to unearth any underlying confidence in a nation that's sapped of its vigor straifed by violence and pummeled senseless by the debasement of every institution from the armed services to baseball.

I don't want to get off on a rant here but you know, there's a lot right with America nowadays, you just have to look a little bit harder for it. Sure we're sick of paying for illegal immigrants kids to go to school, and we're going to stop, but only a country that did it for a while can stop doing it. See, people don't ever consider that do they? Okay we nearly exterminated the Native Americans nobody tries to hide that any more, but we did change our textbooks so the facts came out. I mean who else does that, only America. And as if admitting the truth wasn't enough we don't even tax their casinos and us with a 4 trillion dollar debt. I'm saying not taxing billions of Indian bingo loot is magnanamous and it should go in the what's right with America column. How's about this. In America we let people in prison read, study law, even work out, so they can get themsleve out of jail in much better mental and physical shape to resume their lives of crime. A lot of countries treat their criminals like animals, like sub humans as if they've done something wrong. Not America. Not this great country.

Now I'm not a complete ethnocentrist, I went over to France earlier this year for a couple of months to see if I might live there and while I enjoyed my time in Paris I should tell you that the French hate our guts. I can not believe they actually gave us the Statue of Liberty they must have been throwing it out anyway because these people detest us. They look at us and we are one big collective Jethro bearing down on them, rope belt and all and you know something, in all fairness we might be hicks but at least we're hicks that tend to our armpits more frequntly than once...Even with an arbitrary crowd you can always put a jack boot into the ribs of the French. These people tend to their armpits more frequently then once every time the comet Kazutec is in the solar system. The French avoid showers like a blond at the Bates Motel. You know they had to invent perfume. It wasn't an augmentation it was a defense mechanism. Trust me when Louis XIV guillotined you he was doing you a big favor separating your ulfactory senses from your brain stem. Yeah Claude paint the water lillies a little later right now I need you to pick up that lufa and storm the pit bastille alright. Thank you Pepe La peu. I had a cab driver in France who smelled like a man eating gorgonzola cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughter house. I said hey pal there's an extra five in it for you if you run over a fucking skunk alright. So, there's another reason this contry is great, we smell better than most.

Another reason we're great is because we create things here, things of unique beauty. Things that unconsciously inter weave the American attributes of ingenuity optimism, gluttony and narrow mindedness. Things like all you can eat restaraunts, the clapper, street legal semi-automatic grenade weapons that even the Ton Ton Macoots couldn't get, the temporary insanity plea, cutting edge cd rom technology, used for porno, deep fried cheese, bans on toy guns, rain ponchos for dogs, Orange Julius, Orange county, beer can hats, plea bargaining, being able to plug your parents with bullets and getting acqutted... Indeed we're even free over here to subscribe to 500 channels of cable only to find ou that piece of shit William Katz Super Hero show is on 498 of them.

You know, as a matter of fact you want to know what's right with America more than anything our right to speak out about everything that's wrong with it. We're all free to vent at will at least for the next couple of days until Gingrich takes over and straps the rat cage on our collective face. You know this really is a great country. Remind yourself of it once in a while. Take the fanmily on Route 66, shop at the Galleria, buy a gun, have your breasts enlarged, have you penis lengthened, sue your neighbor, eat three Big Macs, drive 120 pay the ticket, visit the white house, or better yet jump the fence and go meet the president in person HE LIKES THAT, HE REALLY REALLY LIKES THAT. IT'S AMERICA GOD DAMN IT!

Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
--DM