Season One
New Kid on the Block
Summary: Mark David starts at a new school, and can't make friends with anyone but band geeks and Crystal. It's funny but Ivan isn't in it much.
Songs: Jump in the Fire, Let Me Be Your Friend
Ivan Factor: 3
Ivan Moments:- Ivan playing a computer keyboard in the school bus scene
- Looking incredibly (and I do mean INCREDIBLY) sexy in Bumper #2
- Every time someone says "New Kid," five guys run onto stage and start singing until John Crane chases them off with his chair. Sublimely ridiculous.
- Ivan in his first appearance as Lewis the Band Geek (There's nothing wrong with band geeks. I was one myself.)
Ivan Quotes: "I'll buy an E, Pat."
You Can't Fire Your Family
Summary:Joey and Jennifer Anykid win a brand new "perfect family" of androids.
Songs: We're a Family, Back Where We Belong
Ivan Factor:4
Ivan Moments: - Watch him prance off the stage doing a really ridiculous walk.
- Ivan as Dan Quayle. This is the cute picture we have on our main page.
- Ivan's exposed calf during the second set of bumper music.
Ivan quotes: "Here, sport, take mine. I've gotta watch my weight 'cause I'm the captain of the basketball team."
Last One Picked aka Sports
Summary: Dominic is a klutz, Crystal tries out for sports in spite of people thinking it's not feminine.
Songs: Flopsweat, I Can Dream
Ivan Factor: 4
Ivan Moments:- Ivan tips over a chair in bumper #2
- He gets hit in the head a lot.
- The crying during "A Little League of Their Own" is priceless.
Ivan Quotes: "So why dontcha get your viola and check it out?"
"So, like, Jessica, thanks for going to the dance and stuff." (I want a .wav file of him saying this. It's the closest thing I'll ever get to the Telephone Entertainment Network. -Jess)
School Daze
Summary: Ivan deals with trouble in school, including a crush on a teacher (Julene) and a Really Hard Math Test.
Songs: Substitution, Sex Education
Ivan Factor: 11. Off the charts, baby. Spontaneous Ivangasms will result.
Ivan Moments:
- Ivan eats a cockroach
- Leaping up and screaming "PARTY!"
- Ivan Raps during "Substitution"
- Wakes up chewing on his finger
- Ivan's cute fantasy about his teacher falling in love with him
- The car noises during the Really Hard Math Test.
- Shaking hands with the audience during the closing credits. (The Triumvirate knows that had they been there, and had Ivan shaken hands with them, all the camera would be able to see is this pair of sneakers flying up in the air and over the railing.)
- This is not really an Ivan moment, but let us interject that any episode in which John Crane eats mayonnaise with a spoon is really cool.
Ivan Quotes: "Nobody else could see that. That was just a fantasy."
"All this talk about sex is making me really...tired."
"Sit down. Shut up. Eat paste."
Random notes: Ivan did all the choreography for this episode. This is also where "SEX??!!!? AAAAAAAGH!!!" had its origin.
Dating
Summary: Dominic wants to date Crystal but his Dude friends don't like her.
Songs: Be a Rebel, Only Want to be Me
Ivan Factor: 2 (cause he won't take off the damn hat and he never talks except as a dude)
Ivan Moments:- The gyrative dancing in the Elvis skit
- Ivan sings a line on "Be A Rebel" (which keeps the IF rating above a 0)
- During the "Cool Aid" skit he pops into the TV frame spontaneously.
- Playing the video game
- Ivan as the bell during the boxing match
Ivan Quotes: "Hi! Thanks for coming!"
Note: This was Jessica's first episode of Roundhouse, and what started the madness. Amazingly she was not unamused by it, although Ivan does not look too great.
Abusement Park
Summary: Crystal's family takes a trip to the Abusement park, where she tries to impress Dylan Mark Chadley.
Songs: Self Conscious, Do Not Care
Ivan Factor: 5
Ivan Moments:- Pulling Dominic's skateboard
- As a tree
- That cool 3 stooges thing in Bumper #2
- With deer antlers in the shooting gallery
- Doing this cool push-up thing on the closing credits.
Ivan Quotes: "He's much too cool to talk. It's all body language."
Notes: Ivan did all the choreography for this episode.
TV On Trial
Summary: The family TV gets arrested and a bunch of spoofs on popular shows and commercials ensue. This episode is incredibly funny.
Songs: TV Head, Don't Make Me Give It Up
Ivan Factor: 6
Ivan Moments:- Ivan leaping back and forth during the "Who's the Boss" bit
- As Jean-Luc Picard: "So, these two Klingons walk into a bar..."
- Flipping cards ala "Subterranean Homesick Blues"
- Adjusting himself during the underwear commercial thing. It was really sexy.
Ivan Quotes: "It will bring the sheer joy of life surging through your body..." (I want a .wav of this one too. Maybe we could program Tickle Me Dutchy to say it.)
Beauty Pageant
Summary: The International USA blah blah blah I'm Better than You pageant.
Songs: Meat Market, Airbrain
Ivan Factor: 7
Ivan Moments: Before I start the Ivan moments, I'd like to say that this is the most blatantly sexual of all the Roundhouse episodes I've ever seen. That is not necessarily a bad thing.- Bumper #1. The general reaction was "OH MY GOD. WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS SHE DOING TO HIM????"
- Boyfriend in a bottle. Where do I get one of these?
- Ivan as a Hare Krishna in Pest-off
- Closeup of his sexy head on Bumper #2.
- Ivan scratches behind John's ears, then offers his leg for John (as McScruff the crime dog) to molest.
- Looking incredibly sexy during Mad Max Factor.
Ivan Quotes: "Wow! Are you my new girlfriend? I must be the luckiest boy in the world." (I think I forsee a wav file!)
Time
Summary: A run-through of all the holidays and events in a typical year and lifetime.
Songs: Take Time, Make Time; Times (hmmm...themed much?)
Ivan Factor: 9- BARE ARMS!!!! OH MY GOD! You can see his tattoo.
Ivan Moments:- Reappearance of Lewis the Band Geek
- Bumper #2- what on God's green earth is he doing to Julene?
- Looking scared and cute in the horror movie spoof.
- Ivan says the magic words at the end.
Ivan Quotes: "Mom, Dad, help! I think I'm getting taller!! AAAH!!!"
"Hey stupid girls, give us your cookies or we'll take your dolls and throw them in the sewer!"
"OOH my groin!!"
The Bully
Summary: Dominic gets his ass kicked by the local bully.
Songs: I'm the Bully
Ivan Factor: 7- Man oh man, is he ever hot in this one!
Ivan Moments:- Wearing antlers as Bambo, taking revenge for the death of his mother.
- PELVIC THRUST ALERT!!!!!!!!(It's in Bumper #1)
- Dancing in front of the mirrors.
- Close-up of his butt in the closing credits. Look fast!
- As Axl Hose
Ivan Quotes: "Why the ostrich, oh wise one?"
"Would you like to eat sashimi out of my navel? Of course you would!"
The Economy
Summary: It's the recession, and Mark and his family have to deal with cutting corners and getting jobs.
Songs: Higher, Still Waiting For Love
Ivan Factor: 4
Ivan Moments:- PELVIC THRUST ALERT!!! During "Let My Love Take You Higher"
- Ivan kicking Mark's ass over a curly pig tail (at the time he is wearing pig ears and nose)
- Bumper music #1 must be seen to be believed.
Ivan Quotes: "Hey, what are you doing with my stuff? And what are you doing in my garage?"
"Welcome to the wonderful world of pork."
Notes: Ivan choreographed the whole thing.
The School Play
Summary: Natalie tries out for the school play.
Songs: Stage Mother (and who the hell is that anyway? It's scary.)
Ivan Factor: 4
Ivan Moments:- Ivan taking bows at the tryout
- Playing a blatantly homosexual dance director (Jenna commented: "He's got Spot's cane!"
- In shades during Bumper #2
- At the unusually long closing credit scene, Ivan walks up to a wigged-out Mark David and gives him a very funny look.
Ivan Quotes: "Wake up wake up it's a neato day, the sun is shining it's time to play!"
Politics
Summary: David runs for class president but is such a loser only Ivan will vote for him.
Songs: I Hate Big Books, I'll Be On Your Mind
Ivan Factor: 5
Ivan Moments:- When Ivan says, "Hi, I'm Dan Quayle," he has really serious hat hair.
- Ivan fighting John in the closing credits
- Ivan chair dances in Bumper #1
- Scratches his sexy blond head in "Kitties and Bits"
- A third appearance as Lewis the Band Geek, and looking really cute in the glasses.
- As English teacher subbing for gym teacher
Ivan Quotes: "My friends and I had an ugly face contest. I won. I'm still winning."
"Punctuate that movement."
"Excuse me sir, your participle is dangling."
"You suck cafeteria food."
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