"Toon Talk" is a production of Graham-Taylor Studios. Guests are property
of Walt Disney Co. Both are used without permission...
Toon Talk 2: The Alternate Panel
Aviatrix: Welcome to this week's edition of "Toon Talk". I'm the
Aviatrix, your hostess. Today, we're broadcasting from beautiful downtown
St. Canard. Our usual panel is still recovering from last week's show,
so I have with me today four members of the Fearsome Five: Megavolt, Dr.
Bushroot, Quackerjack and the Liquidator. Welcome to the show.
Bushroot: It's nice to be here.
Megavolt: Speak for yourself. I could be taking over the electric company.
Quackerjack: You call that fun?
Bushroot: Face it, guys. It's not like we have anything better to do.
Megavolt: Shut up, fertilizer breath.
Liquidator: Slice 'em and dice 'em!
Aviatrix: Let's get on with the show, shall we? Hello, this is "Toon Talk".
You're on the air.
Rebecca: Hi, my name is Rebecca Cunningham. I'm having trouble finding
dates. The only man willing to go out to me is a fat slob of a bear who
is a lazy excuse for a cargo pilot. Any suggestions?
Bushroot: May I speak?
Aviatrix: Go ahead.
Bushroot: Well, if you don't mind me being too forward, *I* wouldn't mind
going out with you. (The rest of panel rolls their eyes.)
Rebecca: Oh really? What are you like?
Bushroot: Well, my name is Dr. Reginald Bushroot. I'm tall, have blue
eyes, and I like to take long walks in gardens.
(Quackerjack pretends to choke. Megavolt sticks his finger down his
throat. Liquidator makes disgusting sucking noises.)
Rebecca: Go on.
Bushroot: I also have purple hair, leaves instead of feathers, and I like
to eat fertilizer.
Rebecca: On second thought, I think I'll take my chances with the fat slob.
(Hangs up.)
Aviatrix: Bushroot, we have a caller addressed to you.
Bushroot: Really? Is it a woman?
Aviatrix: Uh, no...
Negaduck: Bushroot, you moron! How many times do I have to tell you!?!
Don't be honest with women!!! (Slams down phone. Bushroot cringes.
Aviatrix sighs.)
Aviatrix: Bushroot, stop acting so desperate.
Bushroot: Who's acting?
Quackerjack: Yeah. He _is_ desperate. (Bushroot turns to Aviatrix.)
Bushroot: Will you go out with me?
Aviatrix: Sorry, I already have a boyfriend. He's an air pirate captain.
He has a large sword. (Glares at Bushroot.) And he enjoys landscaping.
(Bushroot deflates.) Next!
Negaduck: You have just reached the Negaduck Hotline, 1-900-ALL-PAIN. If
you want me to inflict pain upon you, press one. If you want me to do you
grievious bodily harm, press two. If you just want me to talk dirty,
press three.
Aviatrix: Um, it seems our phone lines have been crossed with
someone else's. Please stand by.
Bushroot: Megavolt! You're not actually writing down the
number, are you?
Megavolt: Who, me?
Aviatrix: Next call, please!
Steelbeak: Yah, dis is Steelbeak, chief agent of F.O.W.L.
Aviatrix: Yes, and what can our panel do for you today?
Steelbeak: Nuttin'. I just wanted a laugh at da benefit of da geek squad
over there. (Laughs and hangs up. Megavolt shakes a fist.)
Megavolt: See if we ever come to your stupid F.O.W.L. Balls again! (In
his anger, sparks begin to fly from him. Everybody ducks.)
Quackerjack: Hey! Watch it, Sparky!
Megavolt: DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!!! (Lightning bolts form over his head.
Unfortunately, this shorts out all the lights in the room.)
Aviatrix: Oh, perfect.
Liquidator: Houston, we have a problem...
Quackerjack: Smooth one, Sparky.
Megavolt: I *said*, DON'T CALL ME SPARKY!!!
Aviatrix: All right... Whoever just pinched me is *so* dead...
Quackerjack: Don't flatter yourself.
Megavolt: That was you? I thought it was Quackerjack.
Bushroot: Ew, gross! Get away from me!!!
Liquidator: Houston, we have an even *bigger* problem...
Megavolt: What? I was just trying to get back at him for calling me the
s-word.
Quackerjack: Looks like Bushroot's mouth isn't the _only_ thing full of
fertilizer. (Bushroot lunges at Quackerjack, but since it's dark, misses...)
Aviatrix: Get off of me!!!
Bushroot: Oops. Sorry. Here, let me give you a hand...
Aviatrix: I *said*, get off me, not cop a feel!!!
Quackerjack: Ooo, Don's gonna hear about this...
Bushroot: I didn't mean to! Honest! I can't see a thing!
Quackerjack: What colour are Aviatrix's eyes?
Bushroot: Brown. Oops...
*WHAM* (Aviatrix decks Bushroot. Quackerjack laughs.)
*smack* (Aviatrix slaps Quackerjack.)
Quackerjack: Ow! What was that for?
Aviatrix: For _starting_ this particular piece of mayhem.
Quackerjack: Why don't you hit Sparky? He's the one who put the lights out.
Megavolt: For the *last time*, DON'T CALL ME---
Everybody: We know.. We know...
Aviatrix: Just go and fix the lights, Megavolt.
Megavolt: Oh, all right. But I'll need some help.
Liquidator: Let the Liquidator give you that helping hand.
Aviatrix: Um, I don't think that's such a good idea...(The two walk over
to the fuse box.)
Megavolt: Now, just put your finger _right there_...
---*bzzzt*---
Bushroot: Ooo, that's _got_ to sting.
Quackerjack: Oh, well. At least the lights are back on.
Aviatrix: I think this would be a *really* good time for a station
break. Now... Anyone got a sponge?
* * *
Aviatrix: Hello, and welcome back to "Toon Talk". (Bushroot shifts
uneasily in his seat.)
Bushroot: (Reaches into his seat) Hey, what's this---(Suddenly, Bushroot is
blown out of his seat. The panel looks on with amusement. Aviatrix is not
pleased.)
Aviatrix: All right! Who did it? (Remaining panelists look at Quackerjack.)
Quackerjack: What makes you think it was me? (Liquidator
fishes something out of the remains of Bushroot's seat.)
Liquidator: Presenting the hydrogen gas whoopee cushion! Capable of
blowing up any victim sky-high! A great ice-breaker at parties---
especially if you want to rid of those annoying, unwanted guests.
Quackerjack: Spoilsport.
(Bushroot returns, smoking slightly. He takes a swipe at Quackerjack, but
misses. He ends up hitting the Liquidator instead. Liquidator dives at
Bushroot, who ducks. He lands on the Megavolt instead, electricuting
themselves both. The two begin to fight. Quackerjack begins to laugh at
them, but Bushroot stops him with a punch to the face. A fight breaks out.)
Aviatrix: Well, that's our show for today. Tune in next week for the
return of our usual panelists: Don Karnage, Mozenrath, Negaduck and
Darkwing Duck. (Looks behind her and sighs.) I've _got_ to find a new line
of work.
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