DERCAD= Gaelic for meditation
 

 DERCAD  (Meditation)
   You bury yourself alive in thick books
     That whisper of the past;
     gilt-edged like yourself;
     the treasures within.
   You go out rarely
     even for the music you love
     and the plays you enjoy.
     The fireplace is your safe audience.
   Your eyes break hearts;
     the feelings inside
     leak out the cracks;
     tears through armor.
   The gentleness you show with children--
     --Amy's sorrow yours--
     --the need to protect innocence;
     Yours is gone forever.  
      David
       Lost and confused
       Energies misdirected into making trouble;
       A kind word and the speech of equals
       A small kindness made without effort.
         The struggle to BE human.
         The threats to Willie that slowly stopped;
       Likewise the taunts to the world
          and jabs.
       They were only for defense
          to keep anyone from touching you
        hurting you again.
     Elizabeth.
        Your fondness to her; you always took her seriously.
        The woman so like your mother.
     Roger
        Your eyes on him patient
        Understanding.
         A tolerance of the blind hard-learned.
     Carolyn...
         She needs to look up to you so badly.
         You're honored
           and protective.
         I pity her unworthy suitor.
     Eliot.
      Someday, you may yet tell him your truths.
     Quentin.
       The pain he has mirrors yours
        A companionship without the burden of words.
       He buries in drink
       What you bury in books
        And solitary walks
     God alone knows what you think of me.
     I can still drive you to fury.
     I think we quarrel now as much as ever.
     At least the venom is out of it...
       Ah, well...
     It still hurts to look at you, you know.
     Its taking so long to heal you.
       Longer than it should
     (so many distractions).
     And I hate seeing you this way.
      Incomplete.
     That large, gaping wound in you--
       so much missing.
     A desire for a normal life without a clue as to how to achieve it.
        You rely on me
       because of what I am.
      Unafraid
        and...
       Unrepelled.
     I've seen so much worse than you.
      (So hard for you to believe)
     I never WAS disgusted at you.
     And were I afraid, I would have hardly picked all those fights!
       I don't know...
     It's almost as if you need me around to be a barometer.
     How many times have I seen
       stiff shoulders relax
       panicked eyes calm
     Just because I walked into the room?
        A man out of Time
     With the Past hounding his heels
     Forcing him to run blindly tot he future.
      And abstract Future you barely comprehend.
      Not that I blame you.
      But you will yet drive me to my grave with worry.
      Your solitary walks thruogh the woods
        at NIGHT
      without any protection at all
        are you tempting Fate or offering yourself up to Divine Judgement?
    But those unguarded moments when you didn't know I was watching.
    Open delight in the first dayflower
    Closing your eyes and feeling the sun in your hair
    The day I caught you with the hall mirror;
      staring hard into the glass
      wondering at who you were looking at
       reaching out to touch hands with your reflection
       ever so gently.
    The taste of food
      you relearned slowly
       terrified of pushing yourself
      enjoying what you had.
    The day you cut yourself--sorry I yelled at you--
      you scared me when you just sat there
      and watched yourself bleed with that awed look in your eyes.
     And your same reaction to pain...
     The cold of winter...
     Discomfort of rain down your neck.
    I thought I'd seen everything.
    But you made me see it all over again.
    I enjoyed being a part of that
     witnessing something epic.
      A new chapter
      A fresh start
     (lumps and all, there)
      Lately
      you smile when I come in.
      It makes me happy.
      I want to see an end to this, Barnabas.
      I want that wound to be gone.
      I always want to see you smile.



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