SMH METRO ( when the paper was a nasty blue which almost exactly 4 years later feels absolutely horrible to the touch ) SOMETIME IN FEBRUARY 1994 ANGLO SMILES Omigosh, the DAAS are back in town, with a few cutting observations on the Brits - but are they any funnier? Story by Gretchen Miller. The Doug Anthony Allstars are back in town, with biting tongues and excess energy and, be warned, if you cross them, you're likely to be "dacked". Alternatively, Tim Ferguson will flirt outrageously with your girlfriend until she leaves you ( and how could she resist when the gorgeous Ferguson whispers, "I'll show you a life of pleasure; an unending spiral of decadence and joy"?). Whatever happens, the relationship will never be the same. So, why haven't we seen DAAS lately? Contrary to the rumours, Ferguson hasn't gone into hiding due to a really large zit. They've been living in Britain since March last year, preferring it to the United States, because although Americans have bigger breakfasts, they don't laugh at the All Stars' jokes. "They didn't understand we were funny," says Paul McDermott. Richard Fidler says: "For all their faults, and the fact that the country is going down the tube at a hundred miles an hour, [the British] do have this culture that's surrendered to humour as an alternative to sex and food. "Nobody ever has sex, ever." Ferguson confesses: "I find you have bad sex in Britain. How can you have sex with someone who says, just before you do it, 'I just have this loathing for saliva'? It's my firm belief that one's sex life should be like the Battle of the Somme - huge periods of emptiness, silence and boredom, punctuated by short bursts of horror, fear, terror, blood gushing and death." But enough voyeurism. Back to the British. "The British are very alert to all the nuances in comedy, we find, so they pick up the smallest little thing from us," Fidler says. "And I'm not saying Australians are thick, all right?" DAAS have just completed a 100-date national tour of the UK, and a seven-show season on Channel 4's Viva Cabaret, which also featured Sandra Bernhardt and Bob Downe. They are returning for another Viva Cabaret season and three episodes of the cult television series Absolutely Fabulous on the BBC. They have also released a video and CD, Dead and Alive, material from which will be used in their Australian tour. For the mums, they will release another album this year, of their "nice songs". Don't be fooled by the nice songs, though. If anyone remembers the first Big Gig performance of Grape Vine, the shot of a young woman with a single tear rolling down her cheek was a set-up. "That was glycerine," says McDermott. "Glycerine tears." That's just the king of boys they are. "We used to be very violent, when we were going through a particularly witless period, where our sense of humour was at a low," says Ferguson. "Instead of coming up with a witty riposte to a heckler, the best thing to do was to knock them out. Or strip off their clothes and humiliate them, which the rest of the crowd loved," he says. "We have matured; we are older now," says McDermott. "We haven't done it in months." The Doug Anthony All Stars play Bankstown Sports Club ( $20 ) tonight and perform two shows tomorrow night at the Footbridge Theatre ( $23.50 ).