BRINK OF DESPERATION

By Aurora Khan (ltrotsky17@hotmail.com)

SERIES: Voyager

RATING: PG-13 for mature themes.

Alternate Universe

CODES: f, Paris/Torres

DISCLAIMER—

Thomas Eugene Paris and B'Elanna Torres belong to Paramount/Viacom and are a part of The Great Bird of the Galaxy, Gene Roddenberry's universe. Priya Lauren and Eugene Marcos and the other unfamiliar ones are all of my creation, and will stay that way.

ARCHIVING---

If you'd like to link this story to your web page, feel free to go ahead, but please let me know before hand by e-mailing me at ltrotsky17@hotmail.com I would really appreciate it if you did! Please don't archive anywhere. This story can be found on my home page at http://www.oocities.org/auspicious17

SUMMARY---

Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres's fourteen-year-old daughter, Priya, suffers through more than the usual teenage angst when she suffers from depression and refuses to acknowledge it.

AUTHOR'S NOTES ---

This is another story in the "Painful Secrets"/"Final Good-byes" universe. This is set when Priya and Gene are 14—making it Voyager's 21st year of traveling. Notice that I call the Emergency Medical Holographic Program, Doctor van Gogh, as was chosen in "Before and After" The technobabble was all improvised, as was the medical jargon. I wasn’t an ER fan during the writing of this.

One warning: If you're squeamish when it comes to the topic of rape and/or suicide, then please be warned that this story contain both these topics.

All comments/nit-picks/etc. are appreciated and desperately needed. They can be sent to ltrotsky17@hotmail.com

This is dedicated to my beta readers, those great people who actually put up with my whining and complaining. They gave me fantastic advice and how to make the situations a bit more life like. Enough so that I tweaked it so it was much more 'real life' and not a story fit for lollipops <G>. Thanks go to Kat, who helped fixed the continuity errors in the first part of the story, and to Torra, who didn't let me throw this story in the recycling bin because I couldn't think of an appropriate ending. She gave me tons of encouragement, and helped me realize that it's okay to make people wait for another day or two, if I can pull off writing another fantastic addition, which I hope I did. My everlasting gratitude to these two wonderful people.

I’ve edited Chapter 5: Violations so it’s less graphic – if this is your first time reading the story, you obviously won’t even notice the difference. And if you’re reading this for the second time – send feedback and let me know that you enjoyed it enough to read it again. Pretty please? J

This is the longest, most involved story I’ve ever written – 50 pages on Microsoft Word and I don’t feel like the story has come to its proper conclusion yet. But maybe you’ll disagree. Let me know what you think.

© January 18, 1999 with assorted updates until December 10, 2000

CHAPTER 1: CONFRONTATIONS

Priya Lauren, daughter of Thomas Eugene and B'Elanna walked along the sandy shore of her holodeck program and took a good look at her surroundings.

The program was of a beach, set at midnight. A full moon shone from its perch in the sky and ice cold water with the pure white colored foam licked the sand, attempting to reach her bare toes, but never quite able to make it.

She was clothed in a long silky nightdress, a gauzy, see-through white robe tied around her waist loosely as she took her nocturnal stroll. The gentle breeze caused it to billow out around her, wrapping it self around her slender form as the same breeze caused her waist length hair to fly out behind her.

Her hair would be in gigantic knots when she left the holodeck, she knew. But Priya didn't particularly care.

In fact, she didn't care about much anymore. Not for the past several weeks, at least. Even the program she was walking in, which she had designed by herself, without the help of her parents, which usually caused a glow of pride to fill her chest was absent.

She had changed so much recently, that she hardly recognized herself. Something had happened, but she couldn't be sure what it was. Priya was much more moodier and quiet than she usually was. Tom and B'Elanna had apparently chalked it up to puberty, but she knew that wasn't it.

Feelings of desolation and loss of control filled her, and she had no idea what to do about them. Her parents were there, of course, but this wasn't a matter that could easily be discussed with her parents.

There were a series of thought patterns running through her mind that no parent would ever want to hear their child say.

Priya wanted to die.

Not from embarrassment, like when she'd argued with her brother that two times three was five, not six. That had been an error, she'd forgotten she was multiplying, not adding. Besides, she'd been eight at the time.

Quite simply, she wanted to cease living, quit this existence.

And that thought scared Priya. She didn't know why she couldn't stop thinking about committing suicide, no matter how hard she tried.

That was why she'd come onto the holodeck, because she wanted to think things out. However, after spending almost the entire hour of holodeck time she'd traded a week's worth of replicator rations for to Bryan Arkanski, she still came to the same conclusion.

She didn't want to live.

Now what was Priya supposed to do?

Her morbid musings came to a direct halt, temporarily, as the massive doors parted and her bleary eyed father stepped onto the sand.

"Priya, what are you doing? You have a physics exam tomorrow, bright and early, I thought you'd be cramming. Or be in bed getting a good nights sleep," said Tom, trying to make out his daughter's form through the darkness. Priya stepped into the moon beam so she was visible. The light made her eyes squint.

"I just needed to think, clear my head for tomorrow," she said. That was a complete fabrication, in fact the up coming test had slipped her mind.

Tom let out a yawn and stretched his arms above his head. "I understand. But come back home before your mother calls Security."

Father and daughter shared a smile. Truth was, B'Elanna was so preoccupied with the current crisis in engineering that she wouldn't have noticed if her entire family disappeared or started quoting Vulcan poetry. B'Elanna had been spending most nights in Engineering, working late, coming home only to show that she was still alive and hadn't fallen into the warp core. Her family was quite understanding, for if the problem of the random fluctuations in the power grid wasn't fixed, most likely Voyager wouldn't survive.

"I'm sure Ensign Neelix will be thrilled to have something to do," commented Priya. "Computer, end program and save. Arch." The glowing lines of the holo-grid appeared and the pilot and his teen age daughter made their way out the door.

"Princess, is everything all right?" Tom's question came as they made their way into the turbolift. He called out the destination and waited for the answer.

"Everything's fine. Why wouldn't it be?" replied Priya smoothly. *If you consider wondering whether or not you should commit suicide okay.*

"You looked a little preoccupied earlier, much too serious, even for a physics test. You looked more like your mother than I thought possible." He stroked her flowing tresses affectionately. "But if you say everything's all right, I'm sure it is. Right?"

"Of course." Tom's pride filled voice made Priya feel guilty for lying to him, but it couldn't be helped.

Priya's thoughts turned back to her current dilemma. What was she going to do anyway?

Tom watched his little girl, for that was how he would always think of her, with paternal pride. Priya was still worried about her test, he could tell by the slight furrowing of her brow, right under the faint traces of Klingon ridges on her forehead.

That was her, always thinking. Even at fourteen, it seemed she was destined to become the same brilliant engineer her mother was. In fact, Priya took after her mother quite a bit. She was more even tempered, however and her blue eyes were truly windows to the soul. One look into them, and you could tell what she was thinking. Never mind the body language or the verbal communication, with Priya, her eyes said it all.

Priya was the more serious one, while her twin, Gene was the laid back child. When he

relaxed, he completely forgot about all his troubles, while with Priya, until the problem was solved she wasn't able to.

It was surprising how different his two children were, a fact he had to keep reminding himself of, even after more than a decade.

But one thing was the same for both of them: he loved them very much. If anything happened to either one of them, he didn't know what he would do.

CHAPTER 2

Priya scanned the padd in her hand, finally realizing she'd not only been reading the same paragraph for the past fifteen minutes, but her notes on the human digestive system instead of her physics text.

Calling up the physics notes she stared at them blankly. Priya had had the entire three paragraphs she was being tested on memorized a week ago. Now she couldn't even remember if the first sentence started with a 'the' or an 'a'.

She tossed the computer padd onto the floor where it slid under a pile of dirty clothes. The girl was usually fairly neat, never needing to be reminded to straighten up after herself. But lately, she didn't care about the condition her room was in, and that sentiment could be seen through out the whole room. The bed was perpetually rumpled; she no longer even straightened the blankets out in the morning. The family pictures that decorated her night stand were laying on their side, one was even half into the open drawer. Several posters on the wall looked like they were about to fall off.

Giving up on the idea of preparing for tomorrow's exam, she shed her robe, and crawled in between the covers. Pulling the metallic colored blanket up to her waist, for she always turned down the temperature just a bit at night, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

As with her notes, she lay there for what felt like an eternity staring into the darkness. Priya tried counting sheep, as Tom had told her, but to no avail. The Sandman seemed bound and determined to keep away from her tonight.

When she was younger, she used to snuggle in beside her parents when she had sleep-less nights. She was much too old to do anything like that. Still, it would have been nice.

Throwing back the covers, she said , "Computer, standard illumination." The brilliant light made her squint but the feeling passed and she was able to open her eyes. Priya circled the small room trying to think of things to keep her occupied with.

She could clean her room, but that was much to unappealing. She could attempt to study again, but somehow, Priya doubted she would absorb the information any better this time around. She could get something to eat at the mess hall, ever since Neelix had been promoted to a full ensign in Security , he'd stopped being the regular chef, claiming he had too much new responsibility. The crew had hastily assured him that it was okay if he didn't cook.

She wasn't hungry. She had no more holodeck time and no more rations to trade with or even replicate something with. She did know Gene's replicator code—what the hell, might as well 'borrow' a few.

Tip toeing into the main room so she wouldn't disturb the rest of her family, she tapped the requested commands into the replicator until a length of string appeared. As she returned to her room, she tied the ends up in a knot. Taking a seat on the bed, she prepared herself for the longest game of cat's cradle in the history of the galaxy.

************

B'Elanna almost crashed into the bulkhead as she stumbled back to her quarters. It was 04:00, and she'd been in Engineering for nine hours straight trying to determine the current problem plaguing the ship. A series of random fluctuations in the power, resulting in the loss of shields, environmental controls, weapons and other parts of the ship occurred constantly. If any of those things happened while Voyager was defending itself from an attack, the results would be catastrophic.

She would have stayed longer working on the malfunction, but her subordinates had banded together and thrown her out.

After three tries, she finally hit the right door code on the key panel and entered her quarters. B'Elanna spotted her daughter right away, sitting on the couch and staring out the view port.

"Priya, why aren't you in bed?"

The fourteen year old jumped, startled at her the sound of another voice. "Oh, hi Mom. I didn't think you'd be back yet."

"Carey, and a few others on my staff shoved me into the turbolift before I knew what was going on. What are you doing up? Studying for your physics test?"

Priya blinked. Even her mother had remembered; that didn't say much about Priya's memory. "Right. You know me, always worrying."

"Go to bed, okay? I'm sure you know the stuff inside and out by now." B'Elanna kissed her daughter's forehead. "Goodnight."

" 'night, Mom."

The engineer made her way into her bedroom, cautiously, trying not to trip over anything. "Computer, lights at fifty percent of standard illumination."

The sudden light made Tom return to consciousness. "Bella, that you?" he mumbled, sleepily. He slowly sat up in bed, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up," she apologized.

"Don't be sorry. I was hoping to get a chance to exchange a few words with you. We haven't talked the entire day."

B'Elanna sat down next to him, and began to pull of her boots. "I got caught up in Engineering. We thought we had a lead on what was wrong, but it turned out to be nothing."

He watched as she started rifling through the drawer in search of her night clothes. "One of these days, we're going to have set aside a night just for the two of us."

"I wish it could be sometime soon." Her voice grew muffled as she yanked her tunic and turtleneck over her head and threw them into a corner.

Tom's eyes traveled the length of his wife's slender form. "Me too."

She slipped on a loose, over sized blue tee-shirt that came to a point just above her knees and kicked the bottom half of her uniform out of her way as she went into the bathroom. B'Elanna returned a few minutes later, the water droplets clinging to the edges of her mouth testifying to the fact that she'd brushed her teeth. She crawled into bed and pulled up the blankets, automatically slipping an arm around Tom's waist as she settled into a comfortable position. As her head rested on his chest, her thoughts wandered back to the brief conversation she'd had with Priya. "Have you noticed anything strange about Priya?"

"A little...but I think she'd just worrying too much about school. You know how she is," replied Tom, echoing his daughter's words.

" That must be it," she decided. "Good night."

"Sweet dreams, Bella." Tom gave her a kiss and closed his eyes. B'Elanna followed suit, but even as she drifted off, a feeling of unease and apprehension of things to come continued to cling to her.

************

As per her mother's orders, Priya returned to her room and glared at the frayed piece of string laying on bed. "I hate cats, even though I've never seen one. I hate cradles. I now hate string too." Playing almost fours hours of cat's cradle had had an adverse influence on her opinion of the ancient children's game.

She slumped against the wall, throwing stray pieces of clothing to the opposite side of the room for the lack of anything better to do.

*I'm bored, bored, bored, bored. I wish I were dead* The thought came so fast and unbidden that she clamped her hand over her mouth as if she'd said it aloud instead of thinking it. *NO! Stop thinking that way* she scolded herself. *It's wrong!*

*Who says it wrongs?* mocked the side of her conscious that had decided to play devil's advocate. *Why is it so wrong?*

*It just is!*

"Great, now I'm talking to myself. I have schizophrenia!"

Priya moved to her desk to finish the old fashioned jigsaw puzzle she had started three weeks ago. Might as well do something.

Although, no matter how hard she concentrated on putting the one thousand pieces together, she still wondered, why is suicide so wrong?

***********

Eugene Marcos Paris was sound asleep when something hit him smack in the face. "What the--?" he exclaimed, bolting upright.

His sister was rifling through one of his desk drawers, throwing padds everywhere in her frantic search for--- for something. Another one came flying at him, this time he managed to dodge it. "Priya, what are you doing? It's," he checked the chronometer," 6 in the morning. I usually have to drag *you* out of bed so we won't be late to school."

"I was looking for the copy of "Much Ado About Nothing" I loaned you a couple weeks ago." She slammed the drawer shut. "It's not in there, where is it?!"

"The hard cover one? I, um....," Gene thought hard. "I think I loaned it to...Naomi."

"Of course you did," grumbled Priya, flopping down on the edge of his bed. "Just when I wanted to re-read it."

"You could have always finished reading "Julius Caesar," suggested Gene, realizing from the slight circles under her eyes that his sister hadn't gone to sleep.

"I did, twice actually. I got tired of reading about Caesar being an idiot and ignoring the advice of his wife and the Soothsayer. Although I did like the part about the poet that was mistaken for one of the conspirators...anyway, forget about Shakespeare."

Gene hadn't heard a word his twin had spoken, he was too busy studying her haggard appearance. "Is this twice you've had insomnia? Maybe you should tell Mom and Dad."

"Because I couldn't fall asleep? It's nothing, just too much stress, and all that. I'll be fine." Priya's eyes didn't meet his, and she fiddled with the ends of her long hair.

"Whatever you say," shrugged Gene. "Anyway, now that you've woken me up from sound sleep, what do you say we head on over to the mess hall for a bite to eat?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Let me take a quick shower, and I'll be right out." Gene rose from his bed, and headed to the bathroom that connected his room with Priya's.

The minute her twin disappeared from view, she lay down on his bed. Everybody kept asking her questions...she didn't know how long she could tell herself and everyone else that nothing was wrong...especially when she didn't believe it anymore.

**********

After both twins had showered and changed, they headed down to the mess hall, which was fairly deserted. Katy Liang and Lawrence Abwakna, the on again, off again couple were the only ones there, sitting in the corner, obviously 'on'.

They headed to the counter where, Gigi Luong, recently drafted as part time chef was whipping up something Joe Carey called her bedazzling breakfast specialty. And that it was. Her hands moved in a blur of motion, cracking eggs, mixing batter, all creating masterpieces out of food. And it was good too.

"What can I get for you two this morning?" asked Gigi brightly, pouring some batter onto a sizzling pan. The aroma it produced was intoxicating. "Some pancakes? An omelet?"

Priya could almost see the drool collecting on the floor at Gene's feet. Her brother's appetite was huge, he had a bottom less pit as a stomach. Actually, both stomachs, since his digestive system was all Klingon, as was Priya's. "I'll have three omelets, five pieces of toast..." started Gene, licking his lips in anticipation. When he finished his order, Gigi stacked all his food up on two trays and passed them over the counter.

"You're appetite reminds me of my older brother's," laughed the older woman. "Of course, after he got food poisoning, it diminished slightly. What do you want, Priya?"

Priya surveyed the food with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Um, two pieces of toast, a pancake and some orange juice." It wasn't actually orange juice, as in the Terran orange, but something found on Marije Prime had been similar enough.

Collecting her food, sparse in amount compared to Gene's, they took a seat at a corner table near the window. Gene dug into his food with obvious relish, chewing happily. Priya just stared at her plate. Building up her resolve, she cut off a piece of the pancake and forced it into her mouth. She chewed it with as much joy as if she was eating rubber.

"What's wrong with the food?" Gene asked between bites. "I think it's delicious." He poured a heap of syrup onto his pancakes, cut off a hunk and shoved it in his mouth.

"I'm just not hungry." Priya shoved her plate away and next to her brother. "You can have it."

"Sure you're okay? It's not like you to turn down good food. Not that I mind eating your share too." It was amazing how fast he could eat without spilling a drop, noticed Priya.

"I...am...FINE," she said, stressing each word slowly and carefully. "Some people just aren't big pigs like you."

"I'm not a pig," insisted Gene, moving onto his second tray full of food. "Pigs are—"

"Talking about pigs over breakfast?" cut in Tom, sliding into the seat between his children. "Why?" His eyes fixed on his son's three plates, one empty and shook his head with amusement.

"She called me a pig," explained Gene, washing his food down with a gulp of orange juice from Priya's glass. She glared at him.

"I said you could have my food, not my drink too!" She snatched the beverage away possessively and held it in her hand as if about to drink it.

"Pig? You really are your mother's children," laughed Tom, his blue eyes twinkling. He refused to elaborate on the vague remark. "Although I'm surprised you're both up so early."

"Nobody more than me," Gene commented dryly. "Where's Mom?"

"Still asleep...I could have the Maquis Music Manglers start playing their rendition of "Delta Quadrant Rock" and she still wouldn't have woken up. She's exhausted." Tom shook his head. "I'll be down in Engineering today, Captain Janeway assigned all non essential personnel to help out." He grinned slightly. "Apparently the replicator in her ready room conked out just as she was ordering a cup of coffee, and now she's more determined than ever to track down the problem."

There was a lull in the conversation as Gene resumed his eating and Priya pushed her food around her plate with the fork.

"Priya--," Tom started, obviously intent on asking why she wasn't eating, when a high pitched scream sounded from the kitchen, and Tom was out of his chair in a flash. Katy and Lawrence joined Priya and Gene as they followed the pilot.

Gigi was on the floor of the kitchen, clutching her hand, a small moan escaping her lips. She struggled to sit up, but without the use of her hand for balance it was an impossible task. Her right cheek was burnt—a second degree burn from the looks of it, assessed Tom, his field medic automatically kicking into gear. Her hand appeared to be in much worse condition.

"Oh my god," whispered Katy, and Tom suddenly realized that she and Gigi were best friends, had even gone through the Academy together as room mates. She rushed to her friend's aid, helping her sit up. Tom grabbed the emergency med kit hooked to the bulkhead, and injected Gigi with a pain killer. The injured woman sighed in relief as the pain died down.

"What happened?" asked Gene, taking in the scene with horrified eyes. "Should I contact Sickbay?"

"I can heal most of it now, but you'll have to go to Sickbay to make sure everything's all right," Tom told Gigi, answering Gene's question indirectly.

She nodded in understanding. "I don't know what happened...I was standing over the stove waiting to flip a pancake when the flames shot up. I put my hand up to cover my face instinctively, and all of a sudden, the stove shut it self off."

"Could you have accidentally triggered a control?" asked Lawrence, searching the kitchen, looking for clues.

Tom placed Gigi's hand into the dermal regenerator as she answered, "No way. The controls are on the other side of the stove, I was no where near them."

"It might be a problem with the bio-neural gel packs," offered Katy, not leaving her friend's side. She clung to Gigi's uninjured hand, offering her support.

Tom's fingers immediately went to the side of the neck, searching for an unexpected bump, his eyes doing the same for his children and colleagues. "It better not be those damn macro viruses again."

Gene and Priya looked confused when everyone else in the room grimaced. "Macro viruses?" said Priya.

"Five years before you were born, don't worry about it," said her father, moving the regenerator to the burnt spot on Gigi's face.

Lawrence had gone to inspect said gelpacks, and came back looking extremely unhappy. "The pack's burst—Lieutenant Torres and Captain Janeway are going to be furious." No wonder he looked that way. B'Elanna's self control had gotten better over the years, but she still tended to lash out, and Kathryn's formidable glare had gotten more powerful over the years.

"Don't worry, I'll tell them myself," reassured Tom, removing the dermal regenerator. Lawrence looked extremely grateful. "How's that, Ensign?"

Gigi patted her face cautiously. "Feels all right to me," she said, flexing her fingers. "I think I'll live." With Katy's help, she stood, brushing the strands of red hair out of her face. "Don't let Joe know, okay? He tends to worry incessantly about me, this will just make him more protective."

"It's a husband's job to worry about his wife like that," said Tom, firmly. At Gigi's pleading look he added," But I'll try to downplay the event and injury as much as possible."

"Thanks, Tom." She gave him a hug and a familiar voice spoke from behind the kitchen's counter.

"Ensign Abwakna, what happened with the gel pack? You have gel stuck to your hands." The occupants of the kitchen turned to see the chief engineer standing there, hands crossed akimbo.

"Umm...I...um.......Lieutenant Paris??"

"One of the packs burst and the stove malfunctioned," Tom said, as the timid man backed away slowly.

In a moment, everyone understood why. "It WHAT? That's impossible, I checked them myself yesterday!" Her eyes darkened with frustration, her fists slamming down on the food counter. It shuddered from the impact. "I don't believe this!"

Sensing his mother was about to start venting her frustration, Gene said in an overly surprised voice," Would you look at the time? I think Priya and I are going to be late to school!" Yanking his sister by the arm, he pulled her out of the mess hall with due haste.

CHAPTER THREE: DESIRES AND APPERANCES

Priya walked with her brother silently, lost in her own thoughts. All she could see was Gigi Luong's burns and everyone else’s' horrified expressions.

And all she could think about how she wished it had been her in Gigi's place.

Except she wouldn't have wanted them to save her.

That was a frightening thought.

"Hey," greeted Josephine "Josie" Kim, eldest daughter of Harry and Erika. While her parents were both engineers of a sort, and she was even named after Joe Carey, who had delivered her in a malfunctioning turbolift, Josie seemed destined to go into Medicine. And it was with that in mind she turned an appraising eye on Priya as she hurried into the turbolift next to them. "Priya, you look terrible."

Priya bristled slightly. Josie's bluntness could get irritating. "I am perfectly fine," she replied archly. How she and Josie could still be friends sometimes boggled the mind. Maybe it was more out of obligation than true friendship, a duty to their parents, who were all very close. Or perhaps it was because they weren't exactly too many people you could pick and chose for friends on Voyager. Who knew?

Josie shrugged, blowing a stray strand of her dark blond hair out of her eyes. "No need to get so touchy." Her hair was tied into a knot at the base of her neck, giving her a perpetually sloppy look. But that was how she was. Her clothes always looked like she'd just slapped them on without looking, and Josie had a blasé attitude about everything.

"Deck 5," Gene told the computer, and the 'lift took off with a whoosh. "Nervous about the test, Josie?" A pointless question, really, the younger girl was never nervous about anything, but it broke the silence in the air.

"Nah, Bejinski's tests are a cinch," remarked the blonde, studying her nails with vague interest.

"That's Professor Bejinksi," corrected Priya, finding herself absurdly annoyed by the fact that she hadn't used the proper title. It was silly, Priya herself often called their teacher, Larry Bejinski by his last name only. Then why was she so irritable?

"Take a chill pill," laughed Josie, looking up from scrutinizing her nails. "It's just a name."

Gene and Priya exchanged blank looks. "A…chill…pill?" questioned Gene.

"It means calm down," translated Josie. "I've been brushing up on my old Earth slang."

"Not again," Gene groaned. "Last time you did that, you called the visiting dignitary from Laros Prime, who was going to give us some galacite for a warp coil refit, fat—"

"That's p-h-a-t, phat," said Josie, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Whatever. You called him phat, and it turned out to be the greatest insult on their planet—he thought you called him over weight!" exclaimed Gene, rolling his eyes at the memory. Captain Janeway had been livid when she'd found out, and that had not been a good sign, for Josie, or the crew.

"How was I supposed to know he was sensitive about his weight?" sniffed Josie. "Besides phat was meant to be a compliment."

"Well, we ended up having to trade him most of our supply of grekhart, the only edible spice Neelix used! It was because of you we got stuck eating leola root for three straight weeks."

Gene's voice was grating on Priya's nerves. "Gene, drop it okay, the past is the past," Priya told him, bitter sounding.

The doors opened at Deck 5, and the group trouped out and made their way to the storage area that had been converted into a makeshift class room. Gene sidled up next to his sister, speaking in a lowered tone of voice. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"I AM FINE!" she yelled, losing all patience. "Stop asking me that!" Priya stormed off down the corridor at a deck eating pace, at the class room in what felt like seconds. It was early, and not even Professor Bejinski was there, he was probably finishing up his shift in the transporter room. Whatever had affected the ship's systems had had a extremely negative effect on the transporters, it wasn't safe to use them anymore. Diagnostics were being run night and day trying to determine the problem, for matter transportation was very important in Voyager's travels. The amount of shuttles wasn't increasing after all.

Priya slumped into a desk in the back of the room, her head buried in her hands. Why had she blown up at Josie and Gene for such simplistic things? That wasn't like her at all. While she wasn't known for being the most patient person on the ship, she was reasonably tempered.

*I wish I was dead* she thought bitterly. *Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this* This time she didn't feel repentant. She was beyond caring, beyond feeling remorse for anyone or anything—even if it was just her.

A tear formed at the corner of her right eye, threatening to spill onto her arm. Priya wiped it away with a flick of her finger. She wished there was someone she could talk too—but no one would understand. No one would care, no one at all.

She wasn't sure how long she'd stayed in the same position, but when she lifted her head up her arms were tingling from the lack of blood flow and Naomi Wildman was on the other side of the room, playing with little Fernando Bristow, Freddie and Melaine's little boy. Naomi had volunteered to watch the baby when Freddie and Melaine were on duty.

"Hi Priya," smiled Naomi, while extending a finger to Fernando, who clutched it with his tiny fingers. "Want to play with the baby for a bit?"

"No thanks." Priya had never felt comfortable around young children, although she wasn't sure why that was.

*What's the point?* she wondered, watching Fernando try to stick Naomi's finger in his mouth. *We're born, then we die. That's all there is. There's no point to it at all. Nothing matters. It's just better off being dead* The still rational part of her mind kicked into gear. *We have to live, to make the galaxy safer, and better—but we all die no matter what* finished the irrational part of her.

Out of her peripheral vision, Priya Lauren saw Gene and Josie enter, followed by Ethan Simms' and Janine Lamont's 10 year old son, Theodore 'Teddy' and his sister, eight and a half year old Nina. Teddy and Nina headed toward their seats behind a partition where Samantha Wildman would give their daily mathematics lesson.

After discussing something with Josie, Gene veered off his intended course toward his seat and took one next to Priya. "Look, I didn't mean to upset you," he said without any preamble.

Priya looked uncomfortable. "I didn't mean to get so angry. Really, I'll be fine. I never lied to you before, have I?" She smiled in a way that was designed to make even a Ferengi appear innocent.

"No, you haven't. Glad we got that all straightened out!" Slapping his thighs, Gene rose to his feet. "I just remembered I was supposed to meet Lori in the mess hall to go over a few notes. She must be furious!"

Priya watched as he dashed out, arms pumping frantically. When he disappeared out of her sight, she lay her head back down on her arms.

*I never lied to you before, Gene, but there's a first time for everything.*

************

A half hour later, Priya stared at the padd in front of her as it were a foreign object. The questions, requiring nothing more than a few simple words as a response, was a ridiculously easy test.

But she couldn't remember a thing.

She could hear the seconds ticking away, precious moments, as her fellow class mates began turning in their exams.

More time went by, and still the only letters on the screen consisted of her name. Priya's eyesight blurred as she tried to focus in on the questions.

*Concentrate!* she screamed silently.

*Why bother? I'm just an idiot, I can't pass this*

The second side of her won out, and for appearance's sake only, she tapped in a few ludicrous answers, and handed in her test to a waiting Larry Bejinksi. The Professor smiled, she was his best student and he obviously expected nothing less from her. Was he ever in for a shock.....

CHAPTER FOUR: BARRIERS

After everyone was finished, Bejinksi dismissed them all so he could grade the exams. It was a tradition on exam days that they got to leave early. And it was one all the students embraced gratefully.

Josie, Gene and a few others were going to celebrate on the holodeck and had invited Priya to go with them, but she declined. She wasn't in a mood to be surrounded by people.

Priya trudged back to her quarters and sat down on the couch, her thoughts all going in the same direction.

*I'm in an idiot. I don't deserve to live. I can't even remember basic physics! I don't even remember what Newton's laws are! They could be a bunch of cookie recipes for all I know*

She knew what was coming right after she thought that. It was becoming second nature for her to say it. "Who cares?"

The girl eyed the wall appraisingly. She'd heard, or rather, read, that banging your head against the wall was great therapy. It was either that, or listening to music, something that usually made her leave her troubles behind for a while.

*The music* she decided. *Banging my head would take too much effort*

"Computer, are there any already programmed music files on record?" Why bother actually try to think of titles?

"There are currently three hundred and forty—"

"Narrow that down to members of the Paris family," she ordered. "Tom Paris, to be specific." Her father was the big music fan, mostly twentieth century, since that was a period of history he'd always been fascinated with.

"There is one file type, entitled Twentieth Century Music—Selected Songs."

"Play it."

A familiar tune drifted into the room, one Priya instantly recognized as something her father often played for her mother. As much as B'Elanna protested against the meaningful lyrics Tom always searched for, calling it romantic nonsense, Priya could tell she truly loved it. So did Tom, otherwise he wouldn't keep doing it.

"What is this called again?" Priya asked the empty room. Straining her brain just a bit, the name fell onto the tip of her tongue. To The Moon and Back by a group called—called what? The Beetles? The Roaches? They had crazy names back then. There were several lyrics that had caused Tom to pick this song out for his wife:

She's taking her time making up the reasons

To justify all the hurt inside

Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes

Everyone’s got a theory about the bitter one

They're saying, "Mamma never loved her much" And, "Daddy never keeps in

touch"

That’s why she shies away from human affection"

But somewhere in a private place she packs her bag for outer space

And now she’s waiting for the right kind of pilot to come

B'Elanna had been so surprised when she'd heard it, she had stood still with a strange look on her face. And then she'd..then she'd..what? Priya couldn't remember.

Was the lack of food and sleep catching up to her?

She concentrated hard. No grumbling in her stomach and she didn't have the slightest urge to lay down. That wasn't it.

Why couldn't she remember?

"Because I'm too stupid," she told herself. Yes, that was it. It sounded perfectly reasonable. There was no other explanation for her memory loss.

Suddenly, Priya felt extremely fatigued. Not sleepy, just achy all over. Using her arm as a pillow, she stretched out on the couch, her long legs dangling over the side. She closed her eyes, hovering close to sleep when a new song burst on and the lyrics caught her attention.

It's already in you, it's already there

You may disagree, but I don’t really care

Did you ever find out, did you ever find out

What's at the heart of us?

Tell me all your wildest dreams

I don't really care if you don't know what they mean

We're raiding the closets with skeleton keys

You know it's easier than you think

Priya propped her self up on one elbow. "You know it's easier than you think," she repeated thoughtfully, something finally sinking into the dense fog covering her brain.

She imagined herself aiming a phaser at herself and killing herself. Or adjusting the transporter settings so she was beamed out into space. Drinking a glass of poison. Slitting her throat.

They would all bring the one thing she wanted so badly. Freedom. Release from the drudgery she had to endure as a living being ever day.

A line from a play written by one of her favorite playwrights seemed to fit in perfectly: To be or not to be, that is the question.

*************

In the meantime, down in Engineering, the engineers were pondering their own question. What the hell could be causing so much damage to the ship?

Tool kits lay open all over, and the only thing to be seen of most personnel was the tips of their boots as they slid under computer consoles to work on repairs. Chatter was at a minimum, only the soft sounds of lasers and a few grunts of frustrations were heard.

Tom finished repairing the defective replicator in Captain Janeway's office in good time. After two decades on Voyager, helping out in Engineering had become second nature to him. He made his way through the section carefully, trying not to step on the open kits or the stray tools strewn about. Tom entered the Chief Engineer's office, ready to ask what he was to do next, but B'Elanna and her second-in-command, Joe Carey were busy conferring about something. Not wanting to interrupt, he waited, staying just outside the doorway.

"So you're saying the seismic pulse that was being emitted from Marje 4 may have caused the readjustment of the shield harmonics? That still doesn't account for the power fluctuations all over the ship!" B'Elanna jabbed at the computer in front of her, a fierce scowl on her face as if it would intimidate the machine into spitting out the correct answer.

Joe, who was used to his chief's menacing facial expressions, pushed on. "We were trying out the cloaking device at the same time, which also changed the frequency of the shield harmonics, and the sub space band frequency our comm badges operate on. We thought we changed it back, but the pulse might have modified the harmonics anyway. The system would automatically try to compensate for it. But the nebula we were passing through was dense with tetryon particles—"

"Which are known to cause slight fluctuations in the power distribution system, but the electro magnetic cloud we passed by magnified the effect on Voyager's systems! That's it! That's what caused all the problems!" B'Elanna's scowl was replaced with a glowing smile. "To correct it, we'll have to retune the subspace frequencies, and readjust the power flow regulators. If we can find a planet with enough supplies, we can go into orbit and stay there until everything's back up to specs!" She leaned forward and kissed her subordinate on the cheek, a gesture that surprised both Carey and Paris, who was still waiting outside and watching the proceedings. "I'll tell Captain Janeway right away. Joe, contact Stellar Cartography and try to find a suitable planet more than or about ten light years away from out present location with the proper metals so we can replace all the damaged parts without over burdening the replicators. And make sure it's ten light years, otherwise the electro magnetic cloud will still interfere with the operational status of the ship. "

"I'll get them started on a metallurgical analysis right away, Lieutenant."

"Good." B'Elanna gathered up the padds she'd need to prove her and Joe's theory to their commanding officers and hastened out of her office, only to run smack into Tom. "What are you doing here?" she exclaimed, trying to juggle the stack of data padds in her arms.

"I finished the repairs on the replicator a bit early. I heard what you and Joe were talking about," said Tom, unburdening his wife's arms by taking a few padds into his possession. He hurried to keep up with her as she strode out the door. "You pulled another miracle out of your hat."

"It was mostly Joe's thinking," corrected B'Elanna, a proud grin decorating her face nonetheless. "I can't believe I couldn't see it---the whole thing was right under my nose."

"No it wasn't. You're just pushing yourself too hard again," chided Tom as they got into the turbolift. "Bridge."

"Maybe. But we figured it out, that's what counts, right?"

"Yes you did. I have the smartest wife in the entire galaxy," announced the pilot, kissing her on the nose, unable to wrap his arms around her. "You can finally relax for a little while."

"Are you kidding? I have repairs to over see, and if there are sufficient supplies on whatever planet we stop at, I'm going to have to assign personnel for mining, and then—" B'Elanna was prepared to go on for quite a while, stating all the things that needed to be done, but her husband shook his head.

"I know, I know. But after all that, you can relax. You are going to have a proper vacation I'm going to make sure nothing's going to bother you.."

"You're going to go away for a little while?" The engineer looked at him through widened eyes, as innocent as a new born.

"You just have to hurt my pride, don't you?"

"It's just so easy," teased B'Elanna. "But I promise, one of these days, we'll get away and no one will bother us."

Tom shot a disgruntled look at the padds in her arms, hampering him from taking his wife in his arms. "I can pick them up later," he decided. Letting them fall to the floor, he pulled B'Elanna into his arms, kissing her with a passion that had to be repressed for the past two weeks because of all the problems plaguing the ship.

Her own padds tumbled out of her grip and she returned his kiss, hands sliding over his shoulders, one hand tracing his jaw line softly, making his skin tingle with pleasure. Tom's slid up her back, feeling the protruding backbone even through the uniform. His fingers tangled up in her hair, which had grown past her neck and down to her shoulder blades. B'Elanna's fingers played with the zipper on his tunic, coming within a hairsbreadth of unzipping it when—

When the doors to the turbolift opened, and an irate looking Harry Kim was waiting there. "Would you two knock it off? We have work to do," he complained, not even looking up at them as he tapped on his own computer padd.

Husband and wife pulled apart, hastily picking up the fallen objects covering the 'lift floor and exiting onto the Bridge.

Captain Janeway was no where to be found, the assumption being she was in her ready room. Chakotay was in command at the moment. He raised an eyebrow at his flushed engineer and pilot but let them go with out comment, an amused chuckle his only response.

Harry led them over to a deserted console. Although Tom was technically off duty, he stayed anyway, listening to his best friend. "I was researching the historical data banks for past occurrences like this and—"

"Harry, we," said B'Elanna, but Harry plowed on, eager to share his findings.

"And I discovered that on the Enterprise-D, these things called nanites—"

"HARRY!" barked B'Elanna. "Carey and I already figured out what's going on."

The information took a little time to be processed in the younger man's brain. "What? But I looked through the service records of the hundred forty seven starships the computer said something similar occurred too and I spent all my off duty hours working on it!" Harry looked dejected. "Why me?" He looked down for about several seconds, and then he asked eagerly," So what was the problem?"

"I have to tell Captain Janeway first. I'm sure she'll call a senior staff meeting in a while, so hold on, all right?" Not waiting for an answer, she hurried off.

Hitting the door chime, she heard the command "Enter" from Janeway so she stepped into the office, still trying not to drop all her padds.

Kathryn Janeway had been studying something on her computer console and sipping a cup of coffee (or so it smelled like). She glanced up and immediately came to help the younger woman.

"Thank you, Captain," B'Elanna said gratefully, sinking down on the chair opposite Janeway's desk. Kathryn returned to her chair, taking another gulp of her drink as she sat down.

"Have you tracked down the current problem, B'Elanna? I have a feeling my replicator isn't back to its normal operational status. My coffee tastes like it has tomato soup in it."

"As much as I'd love to say that was Tom's fault, it isn't," replied B'Elanna, calling up a schematic on her display unit. "Everything’s going to be off kilter for a while, we need replacement parts for most of the replicators and…" she droned on for a quite a while, explaining in detail all the adjustments and repairs that had to be attended to. "And Carey's off in Stellar Cartography right now, giving the requirements for the a suitable planet," she concluded.

"Good," Kathryn said briskly. "I'm glad to see that the problem has been solved. I'm sure the crew will be looking forward to spending more time with their families. I'm sure you want to spend more time with the twins?"

"Of course. The truth is, I feel guilty for not spending enough time with them," she admitted. It was strange how easy it was to open up to Janeway. She'd become more than a captain, she was almost like…a maternal figure. "I know Tom understands, but Priya and Gene, they say the do, but I remember when I was their age. My mother and I—well, we weren't on the best of terms. Hardly ever spoke to one another. I just don't want the same thing to happen to my children."

"I'm sure that they do understand," Kathryn reassured. "Priya and Gene are both bright, exceptionally well behaved. You and Tom raised them to be understanding and acceptive and ready to take initiative. Priya and Gene are children to be proud of."

"Thank you, Captain." B'Elanna blushed slightly. She hadn't wanted to have Kathryn console her fears about her children turning out to be serial killers or something equally horrendous. But it was nice to know Kathryn thought so highly of them. Of course, being their godmother might have had something to do with it.

***************

*Do I have the guts to do it?*

Priya's eyes fell upon the bat'leth hanging on it's honored place on the wall. Her father, who's interest in Klingon customs and cultures had grown even more with the years, had honed his skills with the sword. It was his love for it that had been passed down to her, and caused her to research more about the other side of her heritage. Her mother, who's side of the family those ancestors were from had said very little on the subject, her own childhood memories of not meeting up to her mother's expectations surfacing.

In the little Priya knew of her maternal grandmother, she knew one thing. She would be pleased to know that her only granddaughter was truly Klingon at heart.

For Priya didn't want to drink poison or set a phaser to kill (although it would be a test of her engineering skills to see if she could over ride all the safety protocols). She wouldn't be a coward like that. Priya would actually feel the blood running down her body when she plunged the sword into her chest.

What was it the lyrics had said? Did you ever find out what's at the heart of us? Well, she would be able to discover first hand what was in her heart.

In a daze, she walked across the room and hefted the heavy weapon with both hands, her fingers not fitting the grip that was made for her father. No matter, it would work well enough for her purposes.

One finger followed the pattern of the sharp edges decorating the Klingon sword, so shiny, the dim light of the cabin reflecting off of it. So smooth…

Suddenly, her finger slipped and a burst of pain shot through the appendage. Her grip on the bat'leth never lessened as she examined the small injury. A glistening drop of bright red blood squeezed out from the cut and fell onto the weapon, marring its silver surface. Priya started at in fascination.

*Don't do this!* screamed her mind.

*I have to*

*No, you don't.*

*Yes, I do.*

*Don't do it, don't!*

"Shut up," she ordered the warring factions in her mind. She went back to examining the instrument of her death. One cut of the jugular vein and all her troubles would be over…

"Practicing again, sweetheart?" boomed an unnaturally loud voice behind her. The weapon clattered to the floor, her heart pumping." I didn't mean to startle you," came the voice again, this time at a normal decibel level and recognizable as her father's.

"I was…just thinking about how the bat'leth was truly a warrior's weapon," bluffed Priya, not meeting Tom's gaze. If he got one look at her eyes he'd know she was lying. She surreptitiously wiped the drop of blood off the bat'leth before Tom could notice it. Priya busied herself with placing the sword back up on the wall, waiting until she was calm to turn around.

"Isn't it?" agreed Tom, nodding. "You're mother isn't able to appreciate it as much, though. Speaking of B'Elanna, she and Joe finally solved the problem. The ship'll be back to normal, whatever that is around here, in a few weeks. I think that's cause for a celebration, don't you?" The abrupt switch in topic confused the girl for several seconds.

"Yeah," affirmed Priya, not sure what she was agreeing too.

"We should do something special for dinner...hmm, I think Lauren can cook, and Katy Liang was supposed to have the mess hall's stove all ready by lunch..."

Lauren? "You mean Doctor Lerner?" asked Priya. "She can cook?" Once the young ensign, the brown haired, blue eyed woman had quickly proved herself to be competent in Sickbay and rose from a medical assistant to an officer with a Federation field commission of doctor. While the Emergency Medical Holographic program was extremely adaptable, and as well loved as a hologram could be, nothing could replace a flesh and blood person.

"Can she cook? She's a great chef, if she wasn't so busy in Sickbay, she'd have become our chef long ago. I think I can get her to make some...some…what do you want, darling?" questioned Tom, lost in thought, planning out tonight's dinner in his head.

The thought of eating still didn't appeal to her, so the pilot's daughter tried to think of her mother's favorite foods. The galaxy was a strange place, one minute she was about to kill herself and now she was helping to plan out her evening meal.

"How 'bout something from Earth?" Priya suggested. "Mom always loves Terran food more than anything else."

"True. But which type?" The diversity of Earth was rarely found on the other planets that comprised the Federation.

"You chose, Dad. I can never remember the names of the dishes I've eaten," said Priya, eager to have her father leave. *Why, so you can just go ahead and end your life, you moron?* mocked her brain. *Yes. No. I don't know. SHUT UP!*

Tom didn't notice the slight twitch of a vein in Priya's forehead as she forcefully told her battling consciousness to can it. "I think it'd be simpler to ask Lauren what she can make in a hurry. I'll head down to Sickbay and ask her, would you like to come with me?"

"You go on ahead, I wanted to straighten up my room first." The lie rolled off her tongue without hesitation.

Tom gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. "Don't do anything crazy while I'm gone," he joked, getting up. Without seeing what her expression was, he hurried out of the room. If he'd seen Priya's face, however, he would have been startled.

For on his daughter's face was an expression of pure shock.

*************

In an effort to avoid

The things that annoy you

You hide—far, far away

And life just passes you by

*************

A tidal wave of emotion rose up and engulfed her. Without even thinking, Priya ran into her room, collapsing on the floor as soon as she set foot over the threshold. Sobs wracked her slender body as she wrapped her arms around her knees. Rocking back and forth, the tears coursed down her cheeks, splattering all over the blue blouse she was wearing.

"I can't believe what I was about to do," she cried, resting her head on her knees. She curled up on her side, the salty tears never lessening. "No one would have even noticed. I put up the walls around me and they don't even try to break them down! I wish they'd all go away, just go away!!" she screamed. Whether she was referring to the heavy cloud of depression hanging over her, or her family and friends or her consciousness, Priya couldn't be sure.

"I'm not worth caring about. Someone should kill me and put me out of misery."

***************

'Cos you don't want to feel no pain again

We just lie about it...

As we become shadows of ourselves.

***************

"NO!" she shouted, sitting upright. "I won't listen, I won't!!"

*Listen to whom?*

Taking a deep breath and filling her lungs with air, she tried to sort out her thoughts. "I…can…pretend…," she said haltingly, talking to herself. "That I'm fine. And then I'll be fine. That's it. That will work."

*What if something's really wrong with me?*

That thought had never occurred to Priya before. Could she be crazy?

"No, I'm fine, I'm just fine. I can act just like I was before and then I really will be okay," she repeated. If she had been thinking clearly, Priya would have seen the illogic of the whole plan. If something was amiss, she should try to find out what it was, not hide it. But that wasn't something she was able to bring herself to do.

Rising to her feet unsteadily, she made her way to the bathroom and splashed the cool water on her face. The refreshing tingle made her feel better.

"I'm getting better already," she said to the reflection of herself in the mirror.

If she had looked hard enough within, maybe brushing away the delusions she was telling herself, it would have been easy to see that there was indeed something seriously wrong with Priya Lauren Paris.

****************

The small family dinner originally planned soon expanded into a party on the one functional holodeck. As word had gotten around that the cause of the mysterious occurrences on Voyager had been discovered, everyone had wanted to celebrate.

And it was here Priya was going to test out her new theory and see if there were any chinks in the normal seeming facade she'd created for herself.

Since she was normally quiet, it didn't seem odd when she sat in a corner table of the old resort program her father had decided to use for the setting. A black haired holo-girl slipped a lei around her shoulders. Since she was trying to blend it, she didn't bother take it off.

Glancing around, Priya noticed the only other solitary person was Lieutenant Vorik, who was sitting at a table with a lakeside view, looking slightly…nostalgic? It couldn't be, but never the less, that was the impression she got.

Her brother, Gene, was busy talking to Torra Lang-Larson, Robert Larson and Amanda Lang's only child. Torra was only two months younger than the twins. She had pale skin which would have had freckles if she had been on terra firma. Her green eyes were almond shaped, seemingly large on her heart shaped face and her blond tresses were waist length. Priya noted that they seemed to be mimicking each other's posture, unconsciously, each with their arms crossed, weight all on their right foot as their left leg was crossed behind the right one. A sure sign they were attracted to each other.

Everyone else was milling about in groups of two or more. Aunt Kathryn was talking to Uncle Chakotay, her hand resting on her husband's arm as she laughed over a joke Tom had told. Her mother and uncle just rolled their eyes as their spouses laughed over what probably was a silly joke.

Eager to get out before Tom really got into the spirit and recalled all the bad jokes he'd told over the years, B'Elanna told Chakotay something, and moved away. Seeing her daughter, she changed direction and came toward her.

*Show time* B'Elanna hadn't seen Priya all day, ever since that morning in the mess hall, so she didn't even suspect anything was wrong with her daughter. Or at least, Priya hoped she didn't.

*****************

Everyone's looking, everyone hides

Everyone's telling, but everyone lies

We're changing the subject, we're turning away

Away from the heart of it all.

******************

"Hi, Mom," smiled Priya casually. "Congratulations on the big break through." *Keep it simple, keep it light.*

"Thanks, sweetheart." Always the direct one, she cut right to the point. "Priya, I'm sorry I haven't been spending much time with you or Gene." Sinking down onto the chair across from her with a grace Priya envied, B'Elanna plucked a Samarian Heartbreaker from the tray of a passing holo-waiter.

"Hey, it's okay, Mom. I know what you do is important." She sipped virgin Strawberry Morte, avoiding her mother's penetrating gaze.

"No, it's not," said B'Elanna, trying to meet her daughter's eyes. "And I promise as soon as the repairs and overhauls are finished we'll have…" She frowned. "What does your father call it?"

"Mother-daughter buddy bonding night," supplied the teenager.

"He was always fond of crazy names. Well, we'll have one of those nights." Her motherly smile, reserved for obvious reasons, only for Priya and Gene, flashed across her face. As Priya had last night when her father had interrupted her on the holodeck, she felt guilty about deceiving her parents. *It's for their own good.*

"I'm looking forward to it. Maybe this time I'll be able to roast marshmallows without burning them all," Priya cracked with a grin trying to cover up the unhappy expression that was bursting to come out. It wasn't working, that burden of gloom and despair still weighed down on her shoulder, making her feel absolutely miserable.

The brown eyes scanned the slouched form of Priya, looking worried. "Priya, are you keeping something---"

"Delaney to Torres."

"Go ahead," said B'Elanna, looking apologetically at Priya. She just shrugged her shoulders with an expression of 'C'est la vie.'

"Lieutenant, this is Jenny down in Stellar Cartography. After reviewing all the requirements you sent down, I think I found a suitable planet to be used for repairs. I need you to come down and verify it yourself, though. The Captain wanted this done by tomorrow morning's senior staff meeting."

"I'll be right down. Torres out." Slapping her comm badge off, she turned to the patient Priya across from her. "I'm sorry, duty calls."

"Hey, I'll be fine. I was going to talk to Josie anyway. I'll see you tonight." Giving her mother a quick hug, she stepped back and watched as B'Elanna exchanged a few words with Gene, who was so involved at staring at Torra, he would have nodded if B'Elanna had told him he had horns sprouting from his head. Blowing a kiss to Tom, who was *still* regaling a poor Chakotay and an amused Kathryn with his jokes, the chief engineer left the holodeck.

Priya slumped further into her chair, relieved. Her mother hadn't noticed anything, so no one else would either. There was a still a chance Gene or Tom might notice something different, but they were easy to convince that nothing was wrong. Too trusting, some might call it. She was her daddy's little girl, and Gene's best friend. They had no reason to think she would lie to them. She seemed fine.

Appearances could always be deceiving, however.

And in a few days, Priya would learn just that.

CHAPTER FIVE: VIOLATIONS

The planet Jenny Delaney had discovered turned out to be perfect. It was the required distance from the electro magnetic cloud, and the tetryon producing cloud that also turned out to be in the system they were passing through. Enough dilithium crystals, duranium and other metals could be mined without depleting the planet's natural resources too much. It was also well stocked with food stuff.

Karhima Prime was Class M, similar to Earth in some ways, but with more deserts, making it an Earth/Vulcan hybrid. The society was advanced enough to make first contact with, and with a stroke of luck, they turned out to be friendly. The leader of the matriarchal society was Lady G'Arakhamn, whose was very eager to learn about people who came from the other side of the galaxy. Her loyal subjects shared the same view, and the crew of Voyager was allowed to take a much needed shore leave.

With Gene busy drooling over Torra at every available moment, B'Elanna preoccupied with keeping Engineering in order, and Tom helping out, nobody noticed all the times Priya's happy facade cracked. They didn't notice that she no longer ate much, a piece of toast and something to drink was her basic meal. Priya was listless, staying in bed most of the day, since school was closed while Professor Bejinksi contributed to restoring Voyager. That was something in her favor, with Bejinkski being occupied with all that, he never had gotten a chance to grade all their tests.

She was unable to concentrate on anything, and her opinion of herself had dropped considerably low. She didn't come close to trying to impale herself with the bat'leth, but if someone had pointed a phaser at her, she wouldn't have offered any resistance. Priya only got a few hours of sleep, and that was in the morning. All night long she would toss and turn. She had devoured her family's entire library, downloaded dozens of novels from the databanks but reading became a dull chore after a while. Everything seemed to take too much effort. Many times she would just dissolve into tears, sobbing about meaningless things. It, at least, passed the time.

In a small attempt to bring her out of the dumps, after being in orbit around the planet for three days, Priya decided to go down to the planet's surface. Wearing a white skirt and matching top, and carrying a sweater just in case it got cooler, she beamed down to a deserted spot by a lake.

The lake was fairly large, its banks covered with something reddish with a tinge of green. It seemed to be a combination of sand and grass. It was smooth and when she slipped off her sandals, soothing to the soles of her feet.

A small stone path was on the other side of the lake, the only way to get to the lake, unless you beamed in. A series of flowering bushes acted as a fence.

Priya stood near the water, watching the clear water wash away the footsteps she had left behind in the damp sand. It was hypnotic, rhythmic and calming.

She stood there for a while, thinking about nothing at all, and after twenty minutes, decided to go for a stroll through the rest of the area. Priya searched for her shoes, but couldn't spot them anywhere. That was peculiar. They had been right next to her…

"Looking for these?" questioned a deep voice. Looking up, Priya saw one of the Karimhans holding her white sandals in one large hand. She was startled to see how attractive he was. He was lavender skinned, with small black eyes. Quite tall, almost 150 centimeters. *Well muscled too,* she thought, noting the bulging biceps he possessed.

"Thanks, I thought I might have lost them," said Priya, taking the shoes. She felt strangely uneasy around the man—assuming, of course, he was a male. *Don't be silly, he just helped me find my shoes.*

"It was my pleasure," he smiled. "I take it you're leaving. Aren't you enjoying the view?"

"I…wanted to take a walk around the rest of the grounds," admitted Priya hesitantly.

"So was I!" exclaimed the Karimhan. "I was going to meet a friend at the Moytu Gardens. I'm a little late, and she's going to throw a fit, but there's nothing I can do about that can I? Would you like me to walk with you? I can show you the special Tiku flowers," he added, as if that were some kind of special treat.

"No, thank you. I'm sure I can find it on my own," declined Priya, wanting to beam back up to the ship but not wanting to appear rude to a man whose race was helping out Voyager.

"Oh, no, I can't let you do that. You're a guest to my planet. I have to be a nice host. Besides, I'm going to same way too, it's no trouble at all. Don't tell me you have so much pride you won't let me show you around a little," said the stranger with a friendly smile.

"Well, all right," consented Priya reluctantly.

"We'd better hurry, we've got an impatient friend waiting." As they walked across the hybrid of sand and grass, the man chattered on. "You know, last time I was late she refused to talk to me for three weeks? She can get quite temperamental, but once I explain, I'm sure she'll understand this time."

"I'm sure."

They had gone half way when the stranger led her to a small alcove among the bushes that she hadn't been able to spot before. "Here, I want to show you something," said the man, pushing a heap of flower petals out of his way.

"No, I'd better be getting back," said Priya, nervous.

"You have to see this. You won't regret it, I promise."

Priya doubted that very much and the ever present voice in her brain screamed *Get out of there!* But she didn't, and two seconds later, she regretted it.

CHAPTER SIX: THE MOMENT THAT LASTS FOR ETERNITY

So you're the kind who deals

with the games of the mind

Well you confuse me in a way that

I've never known.

Break me, Shake me, hate me

take me over

Priya caught a glimpse of lush, bright foliage but that was all she saw before the man knocked her down onto a bed of sweet smelling petals. Her head hit the ground hard, making her vision go dim. A heavy weight pressed against her and an unfamiliar perfume worked into her nose.

"You just stay still, little girl, and we'll be just fine," said the man, all the charm and poise gone from his tone.

"HEEEELPPP!!!! Somebody, please, help me!!!!!" she shrieked in terror. "Get off of me, please, please, please, I'll do anything, just get off of me!!!"

"For what I want, precious, I have to be on you." He cackled, a harsh grating sound to her ears. "I've been researching more about your people—your biology is quite compatible with my own," he whispered into her ear. A wave of revulsion came over her and she tried to squirm out from under him.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!! PLEASE!!!!!!!" He was too heavy, the biceps she had noticed

Her mind cried out in pain as he forced himself onto her, but her mouth refuse to make a sound. His fingers ran through her hair, his kisses covered every part of her. There was nothing he didn't see, nothing he didn't do.

And there was nothing she could do.

Priya wasn't sure how much time had passed, but his weight finally got off of her. She refused to open her eyes, she didn't want to see him. Through the telepathic link, she could still sense his pleasure, his glee in having 'done it' with an alien creature. The stranger's intruding presence in her mind left after a few minutes.

It took her ten minutes to screw up enough courage to open her eyes. When Priya did, he was gone. She sat up, various leaves and twigs stuck in her hair. Human blood, her's, was splattered on her bare skin and the ground beneath. Her clothes were in a corner, she extended a hand and grabbed them. She yanked on her under garments, and pulled her blouse and skirt over. The blouse was ruined, all the buttons were missing, lost among the flower petals. The sweater she brought covered up the bloodied blouse, and gave her a normal appearance.

She didn't give herself time to dwell on what had just occurred. She just wanted to get the hell out of there. The comm badge was still affixed to her blouse, thankfully.

"Priya to transporter room. One to beam up."

The area around her disappeared in a shimmer of sparkles and as it faded from view, Priya knew that the events that had just occurred were going to have a profound influence on the rest of her life.

However long that was going to last.

***************

The minute she materialized in the transporter room, she stormed right out. The odd look Priya got from the Ensign who was manning the transporter never even entered her mind.

Her thoughts were a whirlwind, but she focused on nothing but getting back to the relative sanctuary of her quarters.

Priya had to force herself to go against every impulse and not run all the way back. That would draw even more unwanted attention to herself.

*Why do they keep staring? I wish they'd stop!*

She could feel their gazes analyzing her. Priya could hear them saying *"What a tramp, look at her…*"

With one hand holding her blouse closed, she tried to pull down her skirt. While the just above the knee garment had seemed fine this morning, it seemed much too inappropriate now, and everyone just kept looking at her!

Priya tugged the skirt down so it brushed against her knees. It still felt too revealing.

The doors to her family's cabin appeared a meter ahead and she gratefully burst inside and scurried to the bathroom.

Stripping off her clothes, she entered the shower, turning the water level on high/hot. The water burned against her skin, the steam didn't let her see anything. That suited Priya just fine.

*His fingers caressing my skin....*

She saw the Stranger's fingers laying on her breast in a comfortable position, as if they belonged there. "Get off of me," she growled, swatting the hand away. Priya ended up hitting her own skin, the image of those massive hands pawing at her disappearing.

She grabbed a bar of soap and started scrubbing her skin with a vengeance. *His lips kissed her spine, sending a tingle down her back, the bile collecting in her throat...*

Priya gagged, the memories washing over her with unexpected force. Grabbing her brother's robe, which was two sizes too big for her, she swathed herself in it. The terry cloth felt good against her skin and smelled reassuringly of her brother. A combination of soap and the after shave he had recently started to use—although he only had to shave once a month.

For the first time in days, she really looked at herself. Her eyes were weary looking, the life debilitated long ago. Her mouth didn't even recall how to smile anymore. Priya had always been on the slender side, but now, her skin was plastered against her bones, the veins showing with a clarity only seen on medical diagrams. She was a walking skeleton.

A trembling hand pushed away the wet hair against her neck and felt the back of her scalp. It was tender, a large lump getting even larger. Small abrasions covered her all over, her back, neck, shoulders, chest, legs.

*I have to go to Sickbay…*

"No, I can't go. Then they would all know about how stupid I was to trust a perfect stranger," Priya told the shadow of herself staring from the mirror.

*They'll help me, Mom and Dad can help me…*

"I'm not worth their help. I'm just a burden to them."

*Just a burden…not worth their help…*

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. It's all my fault. I let him…I let him…take me…it was all my fault," Priya determined slowly. "It was all mine, and no one else will know."

****************

I've come to find

I may never know

Your changing mind

******************

An hour later, her parents returned from their shifts. Gene was still out, he was touring the botanical gardens ---the same ones Priya had wanted to see and had gotten her into all this trouble in the first place-- with Torra.

When B'Elanna called Priya to see what she wanted to eat for dinner, there was no answer. Puzzled, she poked her head into her daughter's room.

"Priya, do you want…," her voice trailed off when she saw that her fourteen year old was sound asleep.

"Something wrong?" Tom joined her in the entrance.

"No, just surprised. She never sleeps in the evening." B'Elanna crossed her arms across her chest. "Do you think anything could be wrong?"

"I don't think so. What could be?"

"You are receiving a communiqué from Chief Bejinksi," announced the computer.

"A communiqué? Why would he want to talk face to face about the transporter room?" mumbled B'Elanna. "I thought all the repairs were finished." Moving to desk, where Tom stood in close proximity, she flipped on the monitor. "What is it, Chief?"

"I wanted to inform you personally," began Larry, his dark eyes solemn. "I have Priya's grade for her physics test."

Tom moved into range so Larry could see him too. "Why do you need to tell us personally?"

"This was quite a surprise for me too. Priya received the lowest grade in the entire class. Her answers had absolutely no relevance to the topic being tested on. She failed."

Tom and B'Elanna recoiled in surprise. "She failed?" asked B'Elanna, uncomprehendingly. "Physics is one of her best subjects."

"I know," said Bejinski. "That's why I'm willing to give her another chance to make up her grade. I just wanted to let you know myself. Eugene, on the other hand, got a perfect score."

"Thank you, Chief," said Tom. He disconnected the comm channel. “That explains one thing, at least."

"What?"

"Why Priya's asleep, she's obviously upset about what just happened and she wanted to forget about it by going to sleep," clarified her husband. "She put too much stress on herself and it all came crashing down on her. I should have seen it coming." He perched on the edge of the desk, looking upset.

"It's not your fault, I should have seen it. I'm her mother."

"I'm her father."

"But I'm her mother."

"How about this, it was both of our fault, okay? You know I hate arguing with you," joked Tom.

B'Elanna smiled faintly. "I'm going to go check up on her." She went back into the adjoining room, silently as not to disturb Priya. She started to adjust the covers, tucking them around her daughter more snugly when her eyes fell upon Priya's arm, which was laying over the blanket. "Tom, come in here, would you?" she called urgently.

He appeared instantly. "What?" He came to sit next to her and he noticed it too. Priya's upper arm was covered with dark black and blue bruises and had swelled up. He lifted it gently. "It's like someone used it as a battering ram!"

"You don't think that she…" B'Elanna looked horrified.

"Did this to herself? No, I don't think so." *At least, I hope not* added Tom silently.

Priya stirred, her mouth moving in what would have been a rapid fire babble of words but no sound emerged. She thrashed around a little, kicking her blankets off of her.

"Priya, wake up," said B'Elanna, shaking her shoulders. "Wake up!"

Priya bolted up right, breathing heavily as if she'd just run a marathon. "Wha...what?" A drop of perspiration dripped down her forehead.

"You were having a nightmare, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. It was…just a dream, that's all." She noticed her parents still staring at her and she realized her father's grip was around her arm.

"Then would you mind telling us how *this," he nodded to her arm," happened?" There was no hint of malice or displeasure in his voice, just paternal concern, but she felt a lightening bolt of terror imbed itself into her chest.

*Don't tell them what really happened. * "I fell, while I was visiting the planet's surface. I didn't realize how badly I'd hurt myself until now. I didn't to Sickbay because I didn't want the admit I'd been so clumsy." She glanced down at her arm, trying to look as bashful as possible.

The worried eyes of her mother didn't look as nervous as before, but not thoroughly convinced either. "Are you sure that’s all that happened?"

“Just me being my klutzy self.”

"We just wanted to let you know, Larry Bejinski told us everything," said Tom.

"Everything?" Priya asked, her tone tinged with dread. *How did the Professor find out?*

"And we understand and don't blame you for failing one test. It happens to the best of us, and we’re both very sorry if we put to much undue pressure on you."

*Test? Oh, that test!*

"Uh, thanks, Dad, Mom. I appreciate that. I didn't want to let you down, so that's why I didn't tell you." Truth was, as far as she could recall, Bejinski hadn't told *any* of the students their grade.

"You never let us down," Tom told her. "You look exhausted, go back to sleep. Sleep tight and down let the bed bugs bite, sweetie." He stood up and kissed her forehead. Priya cringed, but he didn't notice.

B'Elanna retucked the blankets around her. "Good night." She kissed her cheek, and as Tom had, failed to notice the slight twitch that passed through Priya. B'Elanna followed Tom out the door. When it hissed shut, she turned to her husband with a serious look.

"There's something not right about all of this."

"I know it's not like to her to do badly in school, but—"

"Not that," interrupted B'Elanna. "I just get the feeling that she wasn't being honest with us. About anything." She sighed heavily. "I just have a funny feeling, that's all."

"Motherly intuition?" asked Tom, coming up behind her. He rubbed her shoulders. "You're so tense."

Her head lolled to one side as his fingers dug into her shoulders, relieving the tension. "I can't figure it out. It sounds bizarre."

"Hey, all mothers are known to be telepaths, whether they're Betazoid, Vulcan or any other race with psi talents. I remember my mother was. She knew everything I was doing, all the time. Nothing could get past her."

" I think I'm just worried something will go wrong with the ship again and taking it out on everything else. It's just my imagination." B'Elanna brushed the whole topic, but that feeling kept tugging at her.

Would she ever understand what was going through her daughter's head?

CHAPTER SEVEN: DECISIONS

I don't want to look away

I don't want to be the one denied

It ain't no fault of mine

If someone, somewhere told you lies

But we don't talk about it

We just become shadows of ourselves

In a deep state of sleep, Priya finally managed to relax. Only by a minuscule amount, but the few moments she didn’t have to think of *him, the events of the afternoon, or anything at all felt like heaven.

For a few blessed moments, she felt okay—but then the nightmares started.

"Think again, precious," laughed the Stranger, forcing her to the ground. "I'm not through with you yet. You're much too sweet to let go just like that."

His voice sounded in her head. "You're worthless, precious. I can use you and throw you away like garbage. No one will care, no one will notice."

"Stop it, stop it!!" she shrieked in pain as his weight engulfed her. "Leave me alone!!"

The view changed, and suddenly she was staring down at herself, watching emotionlessly as the man forcefully raped her. "You're worthless, precious," repeated the Stranger. "Worthless, worthless..."

His hands were everywhere, she couldn't avoid them. *He* was everywhere, slobbering at her with anticipation, talking to her in through his telepathic link. "Ahh, precious…we're going to have so much fun…"

His touch sending shudders of revulsion through her, hurting her, so much torment, just make it stop, please make it, make it stop, please, I'll do anything, make it stop, please…make it stop…please…

"You wanted this precious…this is all your fault…you're nothing…you're not worth it…all your fault…

The hurt, the pain, the horror…the guilt…it hurt so much…but she deserved it...didn't she…she felt dirty, unclean, filthy, contaminated…the pain…the torture…he raped me....

"No one will care, precious. You're nothing…nothing…you're better off dead…nothing…better off dead…just a burden, worthless…"

**************

Welcome to another day

It doesn't seem different 'cause nothing

has changed

Reasons for living never come cheap

But even your best ones can put me to sleep

What am I saying or trying to say

Is that there must be a better way.

***************

Priya bolted upright in her bed, trembling violently in the darkness. Unlike most dreams, the last vestiges of this one still clung to her.

*Just a burden...this is your fault....you're nothing....*

Nausea filled her and she ran into the bathroom to throw up. Having eaten nothing, she just regurgitated her stomach acids. It burned her throat and she swallowed some water she cupped from the running faucet in the sink.

It was 08:00 hours, no school today. Today was the last day they'd be in orbit around Karhima. The girl shuddered at the thought of having to spend one more day near that planet—near *him.

She stared at her image in the mirror. The sunken eyes, hollowed out cheeks, skin the only thing that covered her bony frame all gave her the appearance on a dead corpse. The black and blue bruises had swelled up, just like her arm, causing bumps to appear all over the place. Priya was achy all over, inside and out.

She looked straight into the blue eyes staring back at her from the mirror. They were determined, set in their course of action. She couldn't take this anymore. The only night she'd managed to sleep, she'd had nightmares. She felt depressed, lonely and worthless and nothing she did could make those feelings go away.

So Priya would commit suicide.

And nobody was going to stop her.

CHAPTER EIGHT: ENCOUNTERS

Are you gonna give up

Are you gonna give out

Ain't that a shame

Now that she’d made up her mind, she moved on auto-pilot. She got dressed, combed her hair into a semblance of order, and applied some make up to hide the bruises and dark circles under her eyes. There was no point invoking any unnecessary suspicion on the part of her parents or ship mates.

Her family would awaken soon—the sooner she got this over with, the better.

She grabbed the nearest padd off of her cluttered desk and stared at for a few minutes. Priya should tell her parents and brother exactly what happened—make sure that they knew that they weren’t to blame. Snatching the stylus from the floor, she scrawled four words that would relieve any unnecessary guilt they might harbor over her soon to be committed suicide.

It’s not your fault.

Realizing that something more should be said, considering that this would be her last communication with them, she dashed off another sentence, and tossed the padd carelessly on the bed. Straightening her clothes, she exited her quarters and entered the main room.

Priya looked around, noticing the details she’d never consciously acknowledged before: the perpetually drooping plant in the corner, the slightly wilted flowers in the vase on the corner shelf, and the collection of haphazardly positioned family photos right next to it, proudly displayed for all to view.

She picked up the frames, and smiled slightly as she saw her favorite; Tom and B’Elanna at one of Neelix’s first luaus. They hadn’t posed for the picture, someone had snapped it on the sly, that was obvious from the way neither was looking at the holo-cam. Her mother was in a dressed in an outfit she had deemed too tropical, but which her father said, with a characteristic twinkle in his eyes, was utterly smashing. That had obviously been an inside joke, but neither had deigned to explain it. Tom was in a fairly...garish shirt, at least in Priya’s opinion. Her parents were both looking at each other through the corner of their eyes, too unsure of their relationship to actually look at each other, but too attracted to keep their eyes off one another. Priya had often wondered if she would ever find someone to love like her parents did one another.

Now she knew it no longer mattered.

She set the luau picture back down, and scanned the rest. One of her and her twin on their first birthday, another on their fifth. Priya glared at the pictures with undisguised contempt. The little girl smile on her younger self was sickening. It was a reminder of the innocence she had lost.

A noise behind her made her start and drop the picture. It fell face down on the carpet, unnoticed.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” said Gene, stretching out his arms and trying to cover up his yawn unsuccessfully. “I heard someone prowling around, just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a burglar or anything.”

“Just me.” Priya wiped her palms against her slacks and shoved them deep into her pockets. She gave her brother a bright smile, and made a show of looking at the chronometer. “I’d love to stay and chat, but, um, I told Josie I’d help her with a holodeck program she’s been working on. And you know how temperamental she gets when someone’s late.” With a sickening lurch in her stomach she realized that was the same line the Karhiman had used on *her*.

“Too bad, I was hoping we could do something together---I feel like we haven’t seen each other at all lately.”

“I’m sure it won’t take the whole day, we can do something later,” Priya said casually, at the same time realizing *What am I saying? There’s won’t be a later!* She hurried past him, but something made her stop just as she was stepping out the door. “Oh, and Gene--?”

“Yeah?”

“Just remember I love you, okay, Genie? I really do.” Priya stepped back, letting the doors close, just missing the surprised look on her brother’s face. She turned sharply on her heel, stalking down the hallway with determination in her step. One small detour, and then....

*Next stop: the pearly gates*

*Or a pit of flames*

Priya didn’t care which one she ended up in—she didn’t care if she had to be reborn as pig and was spun around the wheel of life one more time. As long as the existence of the entity known as Priya Lauren Paris was ceased, she didn’t care what came.

CHAPTER NINE: SUSPICIONS

Gene stared at the doors, the surprise still etched on his features. He and his sister were fairly close, but sudden declarations of affection weren’t exactly norm.

Shrugging, he just chalked it up to her being a woman—his father often said they were the most mysterious creatures in the galaxy.

But still...that look on Priya’s face…like she was saying goodbye for a long time…

*Stop worrying, she’ll be fine* he tried to reassure himself. *It’s not like she’s gone crazy and about to kill herself or anything.*

********************

"What's going on?" B’Elanna demanded. A haze of red, blood-like red, filled her vision, covering her hands, her face, and her entire body. *the blood, so much blood* she thought wildly. But the blood vanished almost as soon as it had come.

"Where am I?" There was no answer. The hallway was silent, unnaturally so. With a 140+ crew members, one of them was bound to be passing through. But not one was there.

"Hello?" she called again. A sudden sound up ahead startled her, and she moved forward. "Who's there?" The sound came again, and this time she could identify it. It was a baby's squeals of joy.

"My baby? Where are you?" she asked, eager to see her child. Everything would be fine once she held the child in her arms. She knew it would be. It had to be.

The baby laughter stopped as suddenly as it had started. "Mom!" cried the child's voice, filled with agony. "Mother!!"

"I'm coming, darling. I'm coming. I'll protect you, I promise," she called frantically. "Mommy's coming."

"SoS!" shrieked the child in Klingonese. "SoS, help me, please. I need you." The voice was frantic, the fright obvious in its speech. "Maman! Moogie!! Mutter!!" begged the baby. "I need you, you have to help me. Please!"

B'Elanna raced down the corridor, her eyes wide with fear. "I'm coming! I'll save you, I promise, I won't let you get hurt, I promise, just hang on!!"

The child's voice just became more panic stricken. "NO! Faster!! Ima!! Save me! Please, you have to. Oka-san, hurry, I can't hang on much longer!!"

But the faster B'Elanna moved, the farther away the voice sounded. "Madre! Mitera! Mater! Amma, help me!! Save me!" came the pleas, but she was powerless to help. The cries of mother in various languages kept growing fainter and fainter, but B'Elanna kept running. She had to save her baby. It was the only way. The only way to what? she asked herself. She didn't know. But she had to save the baby. And just like that, the cries vanished, and B'Elanna ran headfirst into her husband.

"Tom! You must help me! We have to find the baby! Our baby!" she shrieked.

Tom stood there as if he was made from stone.

"Didn't you understand me? Our child is hurt! We have to go save it! Come on," she bellowed, staring at Tom uncomprehendingly.

His icy-blue eyes locked onto her with a deadly look. "It's too late. You let it die."

His words sent B'Elanna recoiling in horror. "No, no, that can't be it...no, no," she stammered. "It couldn't have died..I'm its mother...I would--would have protected it, it's my flesh and blood--I--"

"You didn't do a good enough job," accused Tom. "You let your--you let *our* child die. All because you wanted to protect your engines. To protect machinery, you sacrificed the life of our child. A living breathing life form was killed because you wanted to save some metal." He stared at her mercilessly. "How could you do this?"

"I didn't mean too...no, Tom, I would never..." B'Elanna felt her heart constricting, and forced herself to take deep breaths. "I love our child, I would never-"

"Look at this!" he ordered, and pulled something out from behind his back, and cradled it in his arms carefully.

It was a child, swaddled in yellow blankets, with dark skin and brow ridges. Ridges just like hers, and blue eyes, just like Tom's. Eyes that were staring up, unseeingly. Because it was dead...dead....

And suddenly, she was staring at her daughter in the middle of her room.

"You let me die," said Priya. She stared at B'Elanna accusingly with eyes as hard as blue diamonds. "You didn't notice, you didn’t care, you LET ME die."

"No! No, I wouldn't let anything happen, wait, don't go!" yelled B'Elanna, tears cascading down her cheeks. Priya's form faded in and out, her angry blue eyed gaze never leaving her mother.

"You let me…it's your fault…"

It's my fault…she's dead…

****************

B'Elanna snapped awake, disorientated. It took a moment to get her bearings.

*I'm in my quarters* she reassured herself. Lifting her head a bit off of Tom's chest, she sat up, trying to calm down. *Everything's fine*

Then why had she had *that* dream?

That was the one she'd had when she'd lost her first child. It was the nightmare that kept plaguing her for months after the miscarriage, but one she hadn't had for years.

Why was it coming back?

B'Elanna crossed her arms across her belly and rocked back and forth, trying to push away the guilty feelings resting in the pit of her stomach.

Something was staring at her right in the face, something obvious, she should be able to see it, but she couldn't. Why?

*I’m reading too much into this, it’s just a dream*

But weren’t dreams supposed to be the subconscious’ way of telling the conscious mind something?

Maybe something to eat would help clear her mind. Tossing aside the blankets, and careful not to disturb her soundly sleeping husband, she rose and padded into the main room to the replicator. To her surprise, Gene was sitting at the table, sipping at a cup of something and staring at the ceiling.

“Gene, what are you doing up this early? Meeting Torra again?” B’Elanna asked, grateful for something to get her mind off the nightmare she’d just had. She retrieved a cup of orange juice from the replicator and took a seat opposite her son.

“No, not today. I just heard someone moving around out here earlier, and it woke me up. It was just Priya—she went to meet Josie in the mess hall,” added Gene, seeing B’Elanna’s questioning look.

B’Elanna nodded. She stuck her pinky finger into her drink and swirled it around, staring at it as if it were the most fascinating thing in existence. Gene observed all this, and was wondering if he should say something when Tom entered the room.

“Good morning, family,” he greeted, swooping down toward them, one hand reaching out to ruffle Gene’s hair. Gene ducked vainly, but it ended up ruffled anyway. “Or should I say two thirds of my family.”

“Dad,” moaned Gene,” how many times do I have to tell you, not the hair!” He tried smoothing it out, but a stubborn strand insisted on standing straight up at the back of his head.

“Just because your hair always looks like that, Tom, doesn’t mean you have to inflict it on our son,” B’Elanna pointed out, her eyes showing a twinkle of amusement.

Tom pretended to look insulted. “Are you saying my coiffure isn’t up to your standards? And I call you both family!” He mimed being struck in the heart. His wife and son rolled their eyes.

“I’ll be right back, I have to go find a comb,” said Gene, disappearing back into his room.

Tom slipped into the recently vacated seat and took a sip of Gene’s drink. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Why does he insist on drinking root beer in the morning? Can’t he drink something that actually agrees with my taste buds?”

“You didn’t have to drink it.” B’Elanna’s voice was soft and obviously preoccupied with other matters. She resumed staring into the depths of her glass.

“B’Elanna….” She lifted her head up and met his gaze. The minute she did, he knew. “You’ve been having nightmares again, haven’t you.” There was no indication in the flight controller’s tone that it was a question.

She opened her mouth to protest, then thought better of it. “Yes. It was…the same one I had before…but I haven’t had it in years…and this time, it ended differently.”

Tom reached across the table and rested his hand on top of her smaller one. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Gripping his hand tightly, she said,” I don’t remember most of it, all I know that the end was different. I was in tears—but that’s the only thing I really recall.” Seeing his concern, she reassured,” I’m fine now, it was just a dream.”

“You’re sure—“ Tom was cut off abruptly when Gene emerged from his room looking irritated. “Have either of you seen my comb? I can’t find it anywhere!”

“Try Priya’s room,” offered B’Elanna, appreciating the change in topic. Discussing a nightmare that had caused such uneasy feelings wasn’t on her list of most desirable things to do.

“Thanks, Mom.” He gaze switched from his mother to father, then back. “Did I interrupt something?”

“Nothing important,” assured B’Elanna, wishing he wouldn’t leave so soon. “Oh, Gene, I meant to tell you, congratulations.”

Gene spun around, brow wrinkled in puzzlement. “Congratulations on what?”

“On your test,” interjected Tom, knowing his wife was stalling, but wanting to congratulate his son. “Larry Bejinski told us yesterday you were one of the highest scorers on your physics exam. But I thought he already told you---Priya said she already knew.”

“That’s strange—the Professor never told us our marks,” said Gene slowly, sensing this was a key to unlocking something much bigger. “He was too busy with repairs.”

“That is peculiar,” Tom agreed, a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. “Priya probably just asked him before everyone else,” he said with out much conviction. An image of his daughter’s startled face swam into view from last night, and he remembered B’Elanna telling him her concerns about Priya. Something wasn’t adding up…

“You’re probably right, Dad,” Gene nodded and felt his cowlick swaying on the top of his head. “I’ll be back in a sec, let me just go find that comb.” He hurried into his sister’s room. As he did, he heard his mother ask the computer to connect her to Bejinski’s quarters. I’m sure it’s nothing he told himself.

Pushing away the clutter on the dresser, he didn’t spot the desired item. Spinning around, he surveyed the messy room until he spotted the object of his search sitting on the bed. He reached over to snatch it up, and noticed a padd next to it. There was nothing special about it, no flashing lights saying “READ ME”, but a sixth sense told him to pick it up. Gene did so, and read the cryptic sentences with an impending sense of doom hanging over his head.

It’s not your fault. It’s been a long time coming, and I love you all.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gene wondered aloud. Maybe it was part of a story his sister was reading. He called up the padd’s directory listing—the two sentences were the only things on it. But the ‘note’, if one could call it that, wasn’t even addressed to anyone…

*“Just remember I love you, okay, Genie? I really do.”* Priya’s words reverberated through his head once more. *She’d said it like she was going away for a long time* In fact, it sounded an awfully lot like a…*like a suicide note*

Outside, B’Elanna had just reached Larry Bejinski, who had obviously been asleep only moments ago. “Bejinksi here, Lieutenant.”

“Chief, when you contacted Tom and I last night about Priya’s test grade, you never said if you had told her or not.”

“I’m sorry about that, Lieutenant Torres, I thought I had. I hadn’t told any of my students their grade, I should have mentioned it. I hope it didn’t inconvenience you too much.”

“Not at all, Chief,” said B’Elanna numbly. “Torres out.”

“She lied to us,” Tom determined, his azure eyes turning stormy. “Why would she lie to use about something like that?”

Their son emerged from the other room. “I don’t know, Dad, but I think you should read this…” said Gene, handing the padd over. With every ounce of strength in his body, he prayed that he had jumped to the wrong conclusion, but he knew, for once, he might actually be right about something.

And if he was—everyone was going to regret it.

CHAPTER TEN: FREE AT LAST

And I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

But I don't suppose it's worth the price

The price I would pay

A lone figure sat hunched over, sitting on a large rock as waves crashed against it, salty water droplets sprinkling all about.

Priya wasn’t sure what had propelled her to activate her holodeck program—maybe because it was here that she’d confronted her feelings—and here was where she would end her misery. A sense of poetic justice, perhaps. Who knew?

She lifted her head up and held the tiny vial up, the moonlight clearly showing something liquid sloshing in the inside. It was a innocuous looking phial, but Doctor van Gogh had placed a warning on the label, saying that it had deadly side effects and was to be disposed of properly as soon as possible. Priya wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but if the Doctor had placed a warning label on, it must be deadly, and that was all that mattered.

“Computer…play ‘Moonlight Sonata’ by Beethoven,” she ordered, her voice barely above a whisper, but the computer’s sensitive monitoring system picked up on it and the appropriate piece began to play. The haunting melody composed ages ago on a planet light years away seemed to wrap itself around her and for several minutes, she stood on the rock, facing the ocean, her ears hearing nothing but the sonata. The light wind blew her hair back and goosebumps prickled her skin, but she didn’t move. The last notes sounded—and in that instant, she knew it was now or never. Priya couldn’t go on like this, constantly being tormented by images and sensations from the rape, not with the constant lack of sleep and food or the terrible feelings she perpetually had. Nothing was appealing, interesting or made her show any enthusiasm. She wasn’t going to take it anymore.

*What about Mom, Dad, and Gene?*

“They’ll be fine,” she told herself aloud. “Besides—they should be glad I won’t have to inflict my problems on them. I’m not worth their love, or anyone else’s. And it’s not worth living any longer.”

She uncapped the glass vial, and with a strangely deranged sounding laugh, one that knew her deepest wishes were coming true, she gulped it down without a second thought. The moment before she collapsed, only one thought echoed through her mind. *Spread your wings and fly, butterfly*

CHAPTER ELEVEN: FEARS

In the Paris’ family cabin, time had slowly stopped while Tom read the contents of the padd aloud.

There was a deafening silence and finally, Tom managed to choke out,” I’m sure...we just.... misunderstood her.”

“Of course,” B’Elanna nodded slowly, as if everything made perfect sense. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical reason for...all of this.”

“Right,” agreed Gene. “What we’re all thinking...it’s just completely ridiculous...ludicrous when you really think about it.”

“Absolutely,” Tom said. “Nothing to worry about.”

And in an eyeblink, they all shot out of the room, desperately hoping and praying that what they thought wasn’t coming true, and knowing perfectly well that it probably was.

CHAPTER TWELVE: FAILED ATTEMPTS

On the holodeck, the unconscious form of fourteen year old Priya Lauren Paris lay on the holographic sand, arms and legs sprawled out, looking for all the world like she was dead.

But she wasn’t.

Images and sounds rushed through Priya’s head: her and Gene fighting at the age of eight, her parents kissing, Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay’s marriage, her first day of school. She could hear her mother admonishing her father for spoiling her and Gene, her father teasing her mother, Gene calling her by the obnoxious nickname of ‘Sissy’, Larry Bejinksi congratulating her on a perfect score, Neelix trying to coax her into eating her breakfast, Harry Kim yelling when she wandered off by herself…in essence, her entire measly existence flashed before her eyes, and she watched it go without a bit of regret.

Priya was ready to be as free as a butterfly, soaring through the air, constrained by nothing, with limitless possibilities and infinite freedom. She could almost feel something beckoning, calling her, telling her to come and that everything would be all right once she was there.

She tried with all her might to go to the place of eternal peace and freedom, she tried, but to no avail. Something wouldn’t let her go, it was like restraints around her legs and arms that wouldn’t let go, keeping her grounded, unable to take flight.

And slowly...the teenager began to wake up. Her vision was blurry at first, slowly coalescing into the familiar scene of her picturesque holodeck program. The first thought that occurred to Priya was that this was some kind of bizarre form of an afterlife. But one look at her arms, after rolling up her sleeves and spotting the swollen contusions, she knew it couldn’t be.

Priya got to her feet, dusting the grainy sand particles off of her clothes. “It didn’t work,” she muttered, picking up the small bottle, its contents now empty. “It—didn’t—work. IT DIDN’T WORK!” she bellowed at the empty beach, her anger so overpowering that she crushed the vial in her hand without a second thought. The glass bit into her flesh, pricking and bringing forth the droplets of red blood that promptly began to fall on the floor, staining the sand. Priya hardly felt the pain, her thoughts too consumed by the fact that the whole damn thing hadn’t worked, and now she was stuck without no way out---it was so unfair, all she wanted to do was be free, why couldn’t anyone just let her have some peace? “WHY??” she shrieked, opening her palm and letting the stinging shards of glass fall onto the ground. Priya’s gaze fixated on the blood dribbling down her wrist, leaving a dark stain in it’s wake

She was quite the sight, with disheveled dark hair giving Priya the appearance of a mad woman—not far from where she was headed--- the exposed forearm with its numerous bruises and scrapes and the fingers and palms coated in red. She pressed her bloodied hand against her cheek to apply pressure and stop the bleeding, when something told her to look up. And standing in the entrance to the holodeck was her entire family, expressions of horror decorating their visages.

Priya opened her mouth to say something—anything, just to wipe off the look of anguish in her mother’s eyes, the pain etched on her father’s feature, the astonishment and fear on her brother’s. Words refused to form, and the culmination of the pain of her injuries, lack of sleep, food, and shock caused her to lose her balance and collapse on the ground. Priya’s head thumped against the massive rock she’d been sitting on earlier, and as she drifted off into oblivion, once more, she could only think, I’ve got a lot of explaining to do

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: A BROTHER'S GUILT

B’Elanna still wasn’t sure how they’d ended up in Sickbay. The events of the morning had all blurred together and seemed like something out of a nightmare. She had dim memories of the events; running through the corridors like she was possessed, nearly ripping off poor Gigi Luong’s head in the mess hall when the cook had said she hadn’t seen Priya, asking the computer to locate Priya, finding her baby on the holodeck, letting out a scream of terror when Priya had passed out…beaming to Sickbay…

“Mom?” The engineer felt a touch on her shoulder, and she spun around, facing Gene. For the first time, she realized she was in the Doctor’s office—but she couldn’t recall who’d brought her in here.

“Why don’t you sit down?” Her son gestured toward a chair. “You’re going to wear yourself out with all that pacing.”

“Was I pacing?” B’Elanna blinked in surprise. “No, thanks sweetie. I don’t think I could stay still right now.” She crossed her arms and stared at the floor, taking deep breaths. She would *not* think of the worst case scenarios about Priya. She would *NOT*…

As B’Elanna tried to keep from being negative, Gene was fighting his own internal battle. His right hand formed a fist and he wrapped his left one around it, trying to contain the urge to strike out at something. He stared through the glass at his sister’s form on the biobed, where Doctor van Gogh and Tom were working feverishly. Although Tom had long ago stopped helping out in Sickbay, today there had been no one but van Gogh on duty so he’d been called back into service.

Tears gathered at the corner of Eugene’s eyes, and he blinked furiously trying to keep them contained. *How could I be so blind? I should have seen this coming. I’m her brother, her twin. I should have known.* Gene felt guilty for being angry at Priya for ...whatever she had done to herself, and he felt angry at being guilty. Actually, he wasn’t sure what he felt. Things were just too confusing to sort out right now.

Gene continued to stare through the glass, watching as his father placed a cortical stimulator on Priya’s forehead and Doctor van Gogh filled a hypospray and injected his patient with it. The patient herself remained motionless.

He watched for what felt like an eternity, as unmoving as his sister, until he sensed his mother’s hand touching his face. She was wiping away the steady trickle of tears that were cascading down his face, and a similar deluge was covering her own.

“Gene, I know you’re feeling guilty, but it’s not your fault. Do you understand? It’s not your fault,” B’Elanna insisted, pulling him into an embrace, her hand stroking the back of his neck soothingly. Gene could feel her damp cheek press against the top of his head, and one of her tears splashed onto his shoulder. “You couldn’t have known.”

Gene mumbled into her shoulder,” I should have. I could have, and I would have, and I *should* have, but I *didn’t---“

“Shhhh, it’ll be all right, Gene, everything will be all right,” his mother soothed, rocking him back and forth like he was a baby once more. They stayed like that for a long time, B’Elanna doing her best to calm her son, but mother and son both knew that nothing would ever be the same. And nothing seemed like it’d ever be all right again either.

CHAPTER 14: UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

"Well, Doc, how is she? Is she going to be all right? Is she—"

"Mister Paris, please, calm yourself," ordered Doctor van Gogh as he waved the tricorder wand over Priya’s body. "I must have told you many times, emotional distance is vital---"

"Doc, she’s my daughter," Tom nearly shouted back at the hologram. "She’s my little girl, I have to worry about her. If anything happens to her--," he choked up, and after taking a deep breath, he continued," I guess you wouldn’t understand."

The Doctor paused. "Actually, Mr. Paris, I would." He didn’t elaborate, and Tom belatedly remember that the EMH had lost his own daughter, years ago.

"I’m sorry, Doc. It didn’t occur to me…" Paris apologized, but the Doctor had already resumed his scanning and brushed off the pilot’s words.

"It appears your daughter will recover," van Gogh told him. "The contents of the now crushed bottle you said was next to her, was apparently nothing more than one of Mr. Neelix’s concoctions. He brought it to me when I insisted on checking it over to see that there would be no ill effects on the crew. When I tested it, I determined it disturbed the equilibrium of most humanoids—with the exception of Talaxians, and others that are not on board this vessel. I’m guessing the concoction overwhelmed Priya, and she fainted—which would explain the bruises on the back of her skull."

Tom brushed his fingers by Priya’s cheek. She stirred slightly, but didn’t awaken. "There’s something wrong about all this, Doc. She was standing when we got to the holodeck… and it looked like she’d crushed the vial in her hands—which would explain all the lacerations she had on her hands. She didn’t faint until she saw all of us—but that was because she stumbled and she hit her head on a rock. And that still doesn’t explain the bruises over the rest of her body, or what she was doing on the holodeck when she was supposed to be in the mess hall, or why she lied to us earlier--," Tom ran his fingers through his already mussed hair, looking like he’d aged thirty years in the past half hour. "Nothing adds up, none of it makes any sense! What the hell is going on around here, Doc? I want some answers!" he exploded furiously.

"The answer to all your queries, Mr. Paris…only your daughter has the power to answer them," van Gogh said quietly. "Now, I suggest you wait in my office with Ms. Torres and Gene. From the looks of it, Miss Paris is going to be asleep for quite awhile."

Doctor van Gogh escorted his former assistant to his office, and explained the situation to B’Elanna and Gene. They were relieved that Priya would be fine, and just as anxious as Tom to get some answers.

The EMH left them to ostensibly finish up some more work, but the truth was, he had a theory about Priya’s condition. Tom had been right to be suspicious. From van Gogh’s first look at Priya, it had been obvious that more had been going on than Priya’s drinking Neelix’s newest elixir. But there was no way to prove it.

*Wake up, Miss Paris. Only you can unravel this mystery*

******************

CHAPTER 15: REVELATIONS

This is my heart bleeding before you

this is me down on my knees

***************************

Two hours later, Priya woke up to find her family and Doctor van Gogh staring down at her with such intense scrutiny that it was rapidly becoming unbearable. For several seconds she didn’t understand what she was doing in Sickbay, but it all came flying back. The nightmares, lying to Gene, drinking something on the holodeck, and then seeing her family. She remembered the pain on their features, and realized it had just gotten greater while she’d been sleeping. *I caused their pain. No matter what I do I end up hurting somebody*

“Miss Paris, are you feeling well enough to speak?” Doctor van Gogh asked. He knew perfectly well that she was, but was giving her the option. Some kind of test, maybe, Priya wondered, but she didn’t really care. There was nothing left to hide, no more secrets, no more lies. Nothing more than the truth.

“I’m…feeling okay,” Priya answered, which was partly the truth. She sat up on the bed slowly, her dark, tangled hair obscuring part of her face. She wished it would hide all of her as well, but a wish was all that it was. Priya tucked her hair behind her hears, carefully to keep her gaze from meeting her parents or Gene’s. As she ducked her head lower, the hair fell forward again. Deigning it a futile cause, she whispered from behind the curtain of hair,” what do you want to know?” It was in a voice so low they had to strain to hear it.

“You can start,” said B’Elanna in a voice that was carefully cultivated to remain calm,” by explaining to us why you lied about the bruises on your arms. The Doctor said that he found bruises all over your body. And why you told us you knew about your test grade, when you really didn’t."

"And what this means." Gene added, passing a familiar looking data padd over to Priya. His face betrayed none of the inner turmoil he was feeling, but he seemed to take great pains avoiding eye contact with his sister. Not that it really mattered, since Priya was trying to avoid eye contact with him, but still…

Priya's cold, slender fingers wrapped themselves around the padd. "I…I didn't want any of you to blame yourselves…I… didn't mean for any this to happen," she choked out shakily. A hard lump filled the back of her throat, and her eyes became glassy with soon to be shed tears. "It was all my fault…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," she sobbed, unable to restrain her emotions in any longer. Her body shook uncontrollably, and when Tom lay a hand on her shoulder to comfort her she snapped alive like a wild animal. "GET OFF OF ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP HURTING ME!!" she shrieked wildly as she pulled away from her father, drawing her knees up to her chest and burying her face in her hands. "Just leave me alone…leave me alone…it's all my fault…leave me alone," Priya murmured repeatedly. Paralyzed by the resurfacing of the memories from Karhima, she could only sit there crying and talking incoherently.

For a few moments, Priya's desolate weeping was the only resonance in Sickbay. Gene, who had never been good with dealing with emotional problems, looked like he just wanted everything to go away. Tom was trying to deal with his culpability over the fact that it was his touch that prompted the outburst, and B'Elanna was trying to be as professional as possible about the entire situation—not an easy task, considering what the situation was. "Doctor?" she asked helplessly, not knowing what else to say or do. It was rare that B'Elanna felt she was inadequate to deal with a particular task or circumstance, but this was one of those times. "Is she--? What is--?"

Doctor van Gogh had been scrutinizing Priya intently, although he didn't touch or use any of his medical equipment for fear of provoking another crying spell. For the moment, at least, Priya was only muttering to herself. The hologram glanced at B'Elanna, and straightened up, looking staid and determined. "Lieutenants Paris and Torres, and young Mr. Paris," he began gravely. "It is in my medical opinion that your daughter, and your sister," van Gogh said to Gene," has suffered severe physical and psychological trauma on the planet Karhima. I have gathered this from the evidence shown in the form of numerous contusions, abrasions and minor lacerations on her body, from Priya's recent…" he looked for a suitable word,"…outburst, and her continued mumbling about something on Karhima."

Before any members of the Paris family could even begin to process, much less comprehend the information, a more sedate Priya finally spoke up from the biobed. Her countenance one of deep despair, she said in a wavering voice," It happened there."

"What happened there?" Tom questioned, squeezing B'Elanna's hand tightly. His wife squeezed back, both of them preparing themselves for anything.

Anything, that is, but what it was.

Priya's face crumpled up once more, but she didn't dissolve into tears. "He said he wanted to show me the gardens," she whispered. Her hand instinctively went to the front of her blouse, unconsciously clutching at the buttons as if to keep them from falling off. "And I didn't want to listen, but I did, and it was all my fault, and it hurt so badly, all over, it hurt inside and outside, but he didn't get off, and he wouldn't, and he said we were going to the gardens, but we didn't, and," her voice trembled, and she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself tightly. "And …I was so scared…," she murmured, hot tears slipping out from behind her closed eye lids. "So scared…"

And suddenly, everything was crystal clear.

CHAPTER 16: COUNSELOR CHAKOTAY

I don't wanna feel this way

-why won't somebody take away this feeling?

TWO DAYS LATER…

Commander Chakotay moved around his office, straightening the pillows on the couch, and rearranging small statues. He stopped by the replicator and ordered," Two herbal teas." The specified beverages appeared, and Chakotay maneuvered himself over to his desk where he set down the cups and made himself comfortable in his chair, getting ready for his counseling session with Priya Paris.

He ran a hand over his short spiky white hair and reflected on the events of the past two days. He and Kathryn had been down on Karhima, visiting with Lady G'Arakhman, when Doctor van Gogh had contacted Chakotay's wife, saying that she was urgently needed aboard Voyager. Kathryn had beamed back to the ship, while Chakotay remained on Karhima. A half hour later, he too had been summoned back to the ship. Kathryn had sounded extremely edgy, and when Chakotay attended the senior staff meeting, he found out why. Tom and B'Elanna had explained the whole thing, with Doctor van Gogh injecting various medical commentaries in between. It made Chakotay's head spin to think of all the things the young girl had been through, suffering from depression, being raped and trying to commit suicide. Adolescence was tough enough to endure without any further complications.

Kathryn had immediately gotten Lady G'Arakhman on subspace to sort out the whole matter, while he had offered to act as Priya's counselor. From his days as a Maquis captain, Chakotay recalled the young women who'd been abused by the Cardassians, and how traumatized they had been. He wanted to do everything in his power to help Priya heal her psychological wounds—although whether or not they could be healed was truly the question. Yesterday, Priya had been medically treated for depression, her wounds healed, and then gently pumped for any information she could recall about her attacker. Today was when her real healing would have to begin.

The door chime rang and the doors whooshed open on Chakotay's verbal command. His new 'patient' entered, her thick hair in a messy bun at the back of her head. Dressed in oversized clothing, she sank into the seat in front of Chakotay's desk and stared at her hands.

Clearing his throat, Chakotay began by saying, "Good morning, Priya." She mumbled something and picked at a loose thread on her sweater. "How are you feeling today?"

"Just dandy," retorted Priya caustically. Her cheeks became red and she hastily apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." She hung her head and stared at her shoes.

At least she was talking. "It's all right. I understand," assured Chakotay. "But you have to understand that only by talking about what happened can you really put it behind you."

Priya didn't say anything. Chakotay tried again. "Maybe if we tried talking about Karhima…?"

Her head snapped back up and for a nanosecond there was a spark behind those lifeless eyes of Priya's. "What do you want me to say? *O'Brave new world, with such people in it*? That I was so stupid, I went along with him? That it's okay, time heals all wounds? What the hell do you want from me!" she shouted, the heat from the words fanning the flames of anger that were locked in her heart. "I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do!" She faced him, her eyes shooting flames of wrath, and to Chakotay, Priya never looked more like her father than she did just now. Spurred by anger and defiance, but the omnipresent ghosts of sadness and loneliness her only constant companions. "It's never, "what do *you* want, Priya?" it's always, "do this" or "do that". I've never gotten to do what I," she thumped her chest," wanted. I'm always living up to someone else's standards, someone else's ideals! I'm tired of it, I'm just so damn sick and tired of all of this!" Priya hurled the steaming cup of tea at the wall. The cup rolled and bounced away, the liquid was absorbed into the carpet.

To release her anger was a good thing, but things were becoming a little too violent. "Priya," said Chakotay, rising from his seat. He reached to touch her shoulder, but she batted it off, bellowing," Just leave me alone!" She fled from the room, the doors sliding shut before Chakotay even took another step.

CHAPTER 17: UNTANGLING THE MORTAL COIL

Reasons for living never come cheap

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER…

Priya lay on her bed, burrowed beneath the covers that shielded her from the rest of the universe. She heard her door open and close, and heard a series of footfalls from her unwanted visitor. “Go away,” she muttered crossly. The footsteps only proceeded to come closer. “Go AWAY,” she repeated, louder, just in case who ever it was hadn’t heard her warning the first time.

“I heard you the first time,” Neelix replied. His voice was light, his tone seeming to indicate that he was there to talk about something of no more consequence then what the proper light level should be during the night shift.

“Then why aren’t you gone?” Priya demanded, her speech muffled by the covers. “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to talk to any of you. I thought you would have guessed that when I left Uncle Chakotay’s office.”

“Left wouldn’t be the proper term. Ran out, left in the lurch, maybe. Left, no.” Neelix paused a moment as he surveyed the odd shaped, blanket covered lump that was Priya Paris, and thought about how he should proceed. He had never played counselor, like Chakotay had. He wasn’t able to add algorithms to his program and suddenly become a psychologist. He couldn’t recall the last time anyone had even asked him for advice. But he, more than anybody else on this ship, knew what she was going through, and there was no one better qualified than him to talk to Priya. “I know you don’t want to talk to me. Fine. Then just listen while I talk.”

Priya shifted her position slightly, and since she hadn’t voiced her displeasure, Neelix assumed she wouldn’t listen. Clearing his throat, he began. “I know what you’re going through—“

“Stop it.” Priya suddenly sat up right. “Don’t say anymore. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear you go on about how if I talk about everything, I’ll get it over with.” Her eyes bore into his, and Neelix recognized her look with something he had seen in his own, many years ago. Priya was tired. Tired of living, tired of playing the game of life. She didn’t see the point.

Neelix could understand that.

“And don’t even try to tell me that you understand what I’m going through,” Priya spat out. “Because you don’t. And you never will. So just go back to doing your security rounds, or whatever it is you and the rest of the security team do when Voyager isn’t being taken over by hostile entities, and go back on with your life.” She flopped back onto the bed, turning away from him to stare at the wall.

The nice-guy tactic wasn’t working. It was time for the in your face, don’t-give-her-time-to-talk method, Neelix realized. He started to laugh, but it was without any of his usual warmth. “Oh, so you think that you can just bury your head into your pillow, wallow in your misery and I can get back to my life? In case you haven’t noticed, young lady, we’re on an enclosed starship. Anything you do, affects me. Everything that any one
of us does affects everyone else. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I tried to commit suicide by beaming myself out into space more than twenty years ago.”

Neelix’s out right admission left Priya gaping, and she twisted her body back around to face him unable to imagine the amiable man doing anything so…so…out of character.

“While I was growing up, I always told about the Great Forest and Guiding Tree. When I died, I would go there, and everyone I had ever loved would be there.” Neelix rubbed his chin absently as he stared out the window in a forlorn manner. “After my family died, I comforted myself with the fact that we’d be together again. It was…the only thing that let me have faith. And then… one day, four years after I came aboard Voyager, there was an accident with proto-matter.” His voice trembled and became harder to hear. “I was killed, or so everyone thought. But Annika used the Borg knowledge she’d retained from the Collective to bring me back using nanoprobes. When they brought me back, I realized that, for the eighteen hours I’d been dead, I hadn’t seen the Great Forest.” Neelix’s voice became flat and not without a touch of animosity.

“I hadn’t seen the Guiding Tree. I hadn’t seen my parents, my sister Alixia. There had been nothing, and I realized that everything I had ever believed in had been nothing more than a myth. Chakotay took me on a vision quest, to help me with my questions, and I saw Alixia. I asked her why I hadn’t seen anybody. And she told me it was because it was all a joke. That…that,” even Neelix sounded disbelieving, “…living was a joke.”

For several minutes, neither of them said anything. “Then you understand,” Priya whispered in realization. Her hands fluttered around her as she gestured helplessly and as she spoke, each of her words tumbled out of her mouth faster than the other. “You know how it feels like nothing is worth going through what you’re feeling. As if you were Atlas and carried the entire galaxy on your shoulders. You observe the ship with that awful feeling of detachment and you want to laugh, because you know something that they don’t, that life isn’t worth living. And then you’re shocked that you could even think something like that, and become so ashamed, but you can’t get rid of those thoughts, no matter how hard you try, and no one in the entire GALAXY could even possibly understand what you’re going through.” She stopped to catch a breath, feeling winded from giving the longest monologue she’d given in a very long time.

Neelix looked at her with a face of compassion. Priya had seen that look on her parents’ faces, on her brother’s, even the Doctor’s. But Neelix’s face was the only she truly recognized as understanding. Because he knew what it was like.

And maybe he could help her.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: READY TO HEAL

Eyes like oceans

So far away

THAT NIGHT…

Priya crept out of her room silently, trying not to disturb the rest of her family.

After Neelix had left, Priya had sat in her room, thinking. She had thought about many things, but come to a conclusion about nothing. She'd come out of her room to distract herself, to keep herself from analyzing her life into tiny shreds any longer. There was only so much probing one could do of one's life before one drove one self insane.

A ghost in a white nightgown, Priya curled up in a corner of the sofa. Her hands instinctively brushed her seat before she sat down, trying to brush any random clothing articles or other stray objects that might have littered the couch away. Surprisingly, there was nothing there.

She examined her surroundings in wonder. It was as neat as a pin, not a single thing out of place. Even the pictures of the shelf looked as if they had been carefully measured and set an exact five centimeters away from one another. It was the first time in years their quarters had been this orderly…in fact the last time it had been this way…

Mom scrubbed everything clean when she thought Dad wouldn't escape from the Draken pirates safely. Everyone thought he was a dead man.

For the thousandth time that day, she regretted everything she'd ever done that had caused her parent's pain. To drive her mother to actually cleaning was no easy feat, but somehow Priya had achieved it.

As she tucked her legs in closer, she accidentally knocked something onto the floor. Surprised that her mother had left something untouched, Priya leaned down to retrieve it

It was the family holo-album, containing at least one holo of every important event that had ever happened since the Paris and Torres families had merged to become one. It seemed important, somehow, to open it.

So she did. Priya stared down at the first page of holos. Her parents, a much younger Thomas Eugene and B'Elanna, were at their wedding reception. Her father, with a full head of sandy blond hair kissed her mother, with much longer dark hair streaming down her back, while a youthful looking Harry Kim and Annika Hansen stood behind them. Harry was grinning with boyish enthusiasm, while Annika was staid. Pictures of a similar sort continued for several pages, the only difference being the people and expressions on their faces. She scrutinized a picture of Engineering's second-in-command Joe Carey, as if he had an unfamiliar face. Haven't seen him around in a while, Priya realized. Wonder where he's been hiding.

She thumbed through the rest of the book, watching as the people she'd known all her life age before her eyes. Her father's hair lost most of it's color, but the sparkle in his eyes never faded. Her mother's hair changed lengths several different times, Uncle Harry looked his age, and Annika actually smiled once or twice. Uncle Chakotay's hair went from salt and pepper to black and eventually turned a pure white. Aunt Kathryn had several different hair styles and Neelix looked the same.

Priya continued turning the pages, and eventually, she saw her pregnant mother, hand resting on swollen belly as B'Elanna glowed with maternal pride. A few pages later, she saw herself as an infant, lying next to her twin. Most parents took tons of pictures of their first born child (or children, in some cases), and Tom and B'Elanna had been no exception. An extraordinary portion of the so-called family album was dedicated only to her, and then an equal amount to Gene. Eventually, the family title came back into play, and there were more pictures of the four of them, occasionally becoming only two or three in a picture.

One holo made her stop short. Lifting it out of it's protective casing, Priya studied it in the dull illumination of the room. She recognized this picture. Priya was sitting in her mother's lap, dark strands of hair falling out of her barrettes. She was five…or maybe six. Priya couldn't tell.

Had it really been only eight years ago that her father had posed her mother and her in front of the holo-camera and taken this picture? It seemed like a century.

Priya heard someone behind her. The soft foot falls sounded like they were her mother's, and sure enough, the petite woman entered, eyes filled with worry. B'Elanna opened her mouth to speak, but Priya beat her to the punch.

"Do you remember when this picture was taken, Mom?"

B'Elanna looked stunned, and Priya wasn't surprised. They had barley exchanged two words since Priya had woken up in Sickbay. Now, the first thing her daughter asked her was about some seemingly inconsequential picture from years ago.

"I think so," answered B'Elanna, seating herself on the edge of the sofa, giving her daughter plenty of personal space. "You were six years old, and we were on the planet…Vivre, I think it was called."

"Remember what happened just after Dad took the picture?"

If the elder woman was wondering why she was being interrogated, she didn't show it. She recounted the basic details of the afternoon. "You saw some animals, and you went chasing after them. You fell and bruised your knee."

Priya's lower lip trembled imperceptibly. "I bruised my knee," she repeated. She met her mother's eyes. "And remember what you did afterwards? You picked me up in your arms, and I thought you would be mad at me, but you didn't even lecture me for not listening to you and running after those wild birds. I started to cry because my knee hurt--and 'cause I wanted your sympathy---and you just kissed my knee and said 'You'll be all better know. Moms have amazing healing powers' and hugged me." There was a pause. Priya continued in a trembling voice," Why can't you kiss me and make it all better, Mom? Why?"

The floodgates released and B'Elanna felt her heart being torn in two at her daughter's heart felt plea. "I wish I could, baby." B'Elanna amazed herself at using the endearment she most detested on her daughter, but that sobriquet conveyed so much. Priya would always be her baby, the same little girl in her eyes as Priya had been fourteen---almost fifteen--- years ago when the Doctor had placed the squirming little bundle in her arms for the very first time. "I really wish I could."

Priya looked at her mother in such a way that it seemed she was looking at her from a great distance. "So do I."

"When did it happen?" B'Elanna suddenly burst out. "Was I--am I---such a terrible mother that you didn't want to tell me? How did things get so bad that you would actually try to commit suicide? I know all about the depression, but the Doctor said that something had to trigger it. Please tell me…please talk to me. I want to listen. I want to help."

Even in the darkness, B'Elanna could see her daughter's eyes glisten with tears. "You want to know?" Priya asked rhetorically in a low tone. "If you want to know…then I'll tell you."

CHAPTER NINETEEN: THE POINT OF ORIGIN

Should I say I'm sorry

For what I'm going to say

I guess it's way beyond me

To sleep with yesterday

I want to see my future

I want to know my past

The everlasting present

"I don't know when it all started…I don't know how or why…" Priya began, staring off into a dark corner of the room.

"It was the little things, I guess. Nothing could make me happy anymore. Everything seemed pointless. I agonized over grades…every missed point was like another stab in the heart. It was just a point, I'd tell myself." Priya laughed bitterly. "And I'd rationalize everything like that. It's just a lie. They're just words. It's just life. It's just death."

"I started to feel like I did nothing right. That everything was pointless. Every time someone snapped at me, even if they apologized the next minute…it just made me realize how completely and utterly useless I am. All I do is suck up air. I'm not productive. I don't even have any idea of what field I want to go into." She exhaled heavily. "Everyone seems to think I'm just like you. That I'm going to become a brilliant engineer just like my mother." Her tone grew sharper. "Did anyone ever think to ask me that maybe I don't want to be a brilliant engineer? Maybe I don't like spending my days cooped up in Main Engineering, fixing problems day in and day out, maybe I would like to do something else!" she finished with a near shout.

B'Elanna recoiled in horror. Had she really put so much pressure on her daughter to become an engineer? Obviously, she had been thrilled when Priya had shown an aptitude for mechanics, but had she really pushed Priya? She had wanted so much to be the type of mother that her children could come and talk to about anything…she didn't want to be like her own mother, cold and harsh, less comforting than a rock. Miral Torres had been determined to make sure B'Elanna became the ideal Klingon warrior. Instead, unable to take her mother's constant pressure, B'Elanna had run off to Starfleet Academy. My God…I'm turning into my mother!

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" B'Elanna asked. "We never meant to put that much pressure on you. If you never wanted to be an engineer, that would be just fine by your father and me. If you wanted to be a cook, that would have been fine by us also. You are our daughter and we love you no matter what you chose to be. It's bad enough that you're stuck joining Starfleet just because we're stranded here in the Delta Quadrant. To force you to do something that you hate…that we would never ask you to do."

"I know…I know," Priya repeated, sounding dazed and confused. She rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes to facilitate deep thinking. "I think I always knew that, deep down. I just…I didn't want to disappoint you, Mom." She covered her face with her hands. When she pulled them away, her expression was one of hopelessness. "The past few weeks, I just spent my time thinking about everything. Mostly about why living is so important. And then one day, it was as if someone had pulled a plug that made me lose any desire, energy, any goals I had ever had. I lost my joie de vivre. I didn't see the point."

Priya got up and fussed with the pictures on the shelf, even though they had no need for rearranging. "After the…after what happened on…Karhima…it just got worse." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "He was in my head, Mom. Kept taunting me. I still hear him, mocking me, tormenting me. When I close my eyes I can see him. He's a ghost that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The Rest Of My Life. Can you ever realize, ever understand what it felt like after waking up yesterday morning from a nightmare, and realizing that it wasn't a nightmare? That it had really happened to me, and I would most likely have to relieve it in my dreams every time I try to go to sleep? I couldn't take it…and you know what happened after that."

She whirled around and looked her mother straight in the eye, suddenly becoming louder and more dramatic, like an actress slipping into a well rehearsed role that had become a second persona. "Good night, Mom," she said with a smile that never reached her blue eyes. "Sleep well and…sweet dreams."

CHAPTER TWENTY: FACING FEARS

There's resilience inside my face

But sometimes nothing

Deep Space.

What I feel and what I fear is always here -

My atmosphere.

The pain was still there, a big empty gaping hole in her heart that would never fully be plugged. It was the throbbing pain in her head that nothing in Sickbay would ease, the hot tears that stung her eyes. The cold numbness that paralyzed her entire body, the suffocating feeling in her chest…it all felt like it would never go away.

And maybe it shouldn't.

And maybe it should.

Priya paced around her room, holding her head between her hands. She had to think. So much had happened, so much she had to realize, to comprehend, that she didn't know if she could.

*Why do I keep pulling away when they try to help me? Isn't that what I was afraid of all this time? That once they knew about Karhima, they would all hate me? But they don't. They don't blame me at all. They actually want to help.*

*Then why do I always sabotage any effort they make? Mom was there…she was willing. But no. I told her, I confessed…but I made it sound more like a monologue than a confession, didn't I? Just a role to be played, another mask to slip on, one more deception on my part. I won't let myself face the truth. Because everyone else might be able to handle it…but I can't.

I can't take it. So I do everything else but confront it.

I can't go on like this. Maybe I do need someone to talk to after all.

*****************

When Priya emerged from her room for the second time that night, dressed in an oversized jumpsuit, she was startled to find that the lights were already on. A figure was sitting, almost comatose, in the recliner. It wasn't her mother, though. It was Tom.

His eyes were closed, and suddenly Priya noticed that his fair hair was leaning more toward a shade of white than blond. The thin lines appeared to be chiseled into her father's pale skin. He had aged a thousand years in a day.

The beginnings of tears collected in the corner of Priya's eyes. She didn't even bother brushing the teardrops away. "I'm so sorry," she whispered to his unmoving form. The sound of the still air throbbed in her ears like a heart beat. "I'm sorry I'm not your little princess anymore." She bit her lip. "You were always there for me, and look at what I did to you."

Without warning, Tom's eyes opened. His vibrant sapphire eyes, the only remnant of his once youthful appearance, fixed onto Priya. "And look at what I did to you," he answered. His long fingers reached up and massaged his forehead as he gazed mournfully at his daughter. "I'm the one who's sorry."

All of a sudden, Priya became enraged. Her posture stiffening, she bit out sarcastically in a sing-song," I'm sorry, you're sorry, we're all sorry, but that doesn't change anything, does it? Typical family reaction, we all feel guilty, and then we all say we're sorry and everything will be right as rain next week, right?" Her eyes narrowed into thin slits as she screamed hysterically, close to tears," This isn't some kind of play, and I'm not just playing a role. This IS MY LIFE! IT WAS ALL MY FAULT, I'M THE ONE TO BLAME, AND I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO FIX IT!"

And just as quickly, her frenzy subsided and she seemed to shrink back into herself as she murmured softly to the still cabin, "I need to talk to someone."

Tom offered compassionately ,"I'm here. Talk to me."

"No!" she shrieked, morphing into the wrathful creature she'd been only moments before, "You weren't there when I needed you most! You weren't there, you couldn't stop him." Her entire body shook with fury as she let out a soundless scream. Priya dropped to her knees. "Nobody was there," she hissed as she rocked herself back and forth, "Nobody was there. I was alone. All alone."

Tom was out of seat and next to Priya in the blink of an eye. He put his arms around her, careful at first, remembering what had happened in Sickbay. When she didn't protest, he hugged her small, delicate frame, careful not to put too much pressure. "I know you were alone. I know, and I'm sorry, and there's not a minute that doesn't go by that I wish I had been there to protect you. I will regret that the rest of my life, just like you're never going to forget what happened to you. And I'm not promising that everything will be hunky-dory when we wake up tomorrow morning, because I know it won't. Nothing will ever be the same again...but nothing can ever the be the same again, otherwise time would stand still." Tom cradled his daughter's face in his hands. She avoided eye contact. Priya didn't want to see her father's eyes. They would be a glassy, cerulean color, filled with salty tears, and it would want to make her cry all over again.

"Priya, please, don't keep it all locked up inside anymore. Don't try to doublethink. You can't say that it wasn't our fault and all yours and then be furious the next minute that we weren't there for you. Admit the truth, tell us what you're really feeling. The truth," he said beseechingly, "will set you free."

Priya didn't say anything for several minutes. They sat in the deafening silence, so quiet that Tom could swear he could hear his heart pumping the blood throughout his system.

"Several days ago," Priya started to speak hesitantly, "just before I took that physics test, Naomi Wildman was watching Fernando Bristow. She asked me if I wanted to play with the baby, and I said no, because I had never really liked being around babies, and I never consciously understood why."

"And now you do?" prompted Tom cautiously. He positioned himself cross from Priya. He wanted to give her enough personal space so that she wouldn't feel smothered.

"It's like…" Priya struggled to find the words. "I envied them because they had something I never would have again...innocence, a sense of peace. People who believe in reincarnation say that there are such things as old souls, people who have been going through the wheel of life for so long, they're old in spirit and young in body. And that's what I felt like I was...for a long time, even before…everything happened."

"You felt life was pointless, that nothing matters and we're going to die so who cares," Tom recited, with a disheartened smile as he recalled his own past. "Everyone feels that way at some point, princess. I don't think there is anyone in the galaxy who hasn't asked themselves, 'Why do we exist?'"

"Did you ever feel that way?"

"Yes," Tom admitted, uncertain of how much of his sordid past he should reveal. But hadn't he just said 'the truth shall set you free'? "You know that I spent time in the New Zealand Penal colony?" At his daughter's affirmative nod, he continued, "my father and I weren't on speaking terms at the time. And I did all the usual things, I tried to push it away, pretend that it didn't bother me. When my sisters came to visit, I'd put on my brave face and fake my vivaciousness. I'd slip on my mask," Priya's eyes widened slightly as she heard this," and fool my own family. They didn't see past it, obviously. I don't think they wanted to. At nights, though, there was no one to con, my 'mask' would slip and I'd wonder why I even bothered waking up in the mornings. I was such a disgrace to my family my father refused to speak to me---and I thought of suicide a lot of the time."

"How did you...stop thinking like that?"

"For me, it was when I came aboard Voyager. Because of my father, I was terrified that no one would ever care about me, that I wasn't worth the effort it took to get close to someone. True, I wasn't Mr. Popularity the minute I put my foot down on the deck, but Harry took the time to become a friend. Later, your mother and I got together, and I had too much to live for. " Tom glanced at his daughter's contemplative face and lightly patted her hand. "You'll get through this, princess. Face your fears, and they won't scare you anymore."

*************************

Chapter Twenty-one: Personal Logs

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

*************************

SEVERAL DAYS LATER…

Official Log Entry; Acting Counselor Chakotay

As I last reported, Priya Paris has voluntarily resumed her counseling sessions. After our last aborted attempt, I was unsure of what to expect at first, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Miss Paris has inherited both her parents' ability to survive, and appears to be on the road to emotional recovery.

Personal Log; First Officer Commander Chakotay

Slowly but surely, in the two sessions we have had, Priya is opening up to me. She still rarely looks me in the eye or looks up from the floor or twiddling with the ends of her hair, for that matter, but the fact that she is willing to heal, and desperately wants to put this misadventure behind her, is a positive one. It helps that her family is being very supportive through all of this.

What still continues to trouble me is that aside from her family, the senior staff, and Mr. Neelix, Priya refuses to let anyone else on Voyager know what happened. She's still very embarrassed. While it's not surprising that she rarely refers to what happened to her as 'rape', it is upsetting to think that she might harbor some guilt over some ill-perceived notion that she might have actually encouraged the monster to pick her as his victim.

It is my personal opinion that she still needs closure over the incident on Karhima, but how to go about doing that, I haven't the slightest idea…

THE END

This is the end of the story, at least for now. Feedback would as always, encourage the development of at least the epilogue. Since, as of now, I don’t even know if anyone’s reading this thing!

The various lyrics used in this story are from Duncan Sheik's "Duncan Sheik", Savage Garden's "Savage Garden", Mariah Carey's "Butterfly", Jewel's "Pieces Of You." , Everything But the Girl's "Walking Wounded” and from the Great Expectations Soundtrack. Specific songs and their authors are listed below:

"Barely Breathing" Music and lyrics written and copyrighted to Duncan Sheik. Copyright ã 1996 by Duncan Sheik)

"In the Absense of Sun" Music and lyrics written and copyrighted to Duncan Sheik.

"Reasons for Living" Music and lyrics written and copyrighted to Duncan Sheik. ã1996 by Duncan Sheik Songs/Happ Dog/Careers-BMG Publishing, Inc. (BMI)

"Days Go By" Music and lyrics written and copyrighted to Duncan Sheik.

"Serena.” Music and lyrics written by Duncan Sheik and Fran Banish.

"Out of Order" Music and lyrics written and copyrighted to Duncan Sheik.

"To the Moon and Back" Written by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones of Savage Garden copyrighted ã1997

"Break me, Shake me" Written by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones of Savage Garden (the band) copyrightedã 1997

"Foolish Games" Written by Jewel Kilcher, from her "Pieces of You" album. Copyrighted to Jewel and Atlantic Records in 1996

"Good Cop, Bad Cop." Lyrics by Everything But the Girl's Tracy Thorn. From their CD, "Walking Wounded."

In Chapter Eighteen, the lyrics were by Chris Cornell, from his song, Sunflower on the Great Expectations Soundtrack.

Chapter Twenty, it is copyrighted to Tracy Thorne of Everything But the Girl from their song Big Deal.

Chapter twenty-one, the lyrics are from Madonna's single, The Power of Good-Bye from her Ray of Light album.

The line about the butterfly is copyrighted ã 1997 to Mariah Carey from her song “Butterfly” on the album “Butterfly”. Produced by Columbia Records.

Please, send all comments to ltrotsky17@hotmail.com I would really appreciate any and all opinions you, the reader, have on this story. My writing is my pride and joy and it would be nice to know that someone is actually reading and enjoying it.

http://www.oocities.org/auspicious17