Grieving For Her

Aurora Khan (ltrotsky17@hotmail.com)

VOY: Last Words series

[PG]

P/T, T/Kes

Legal Disclaimer: All characters, except for the ones you don't recognize, are Paramount's. They are the mighty ones, and I do not dare infringe on their rights. I will make no money off of this, especially since it is not eligible for the Strange New Worlds contest.

Synopsis: B'Elanna Torres is dead, and the men of Voyager have flashbacks remembering the times they spent with her as they are about to attend the memorial service. Tom Paris, her lover, also has to face the reality of her death, and mourn for her.

This story takes place in the alternate universe described in "Before and After" This also takes place after my previous story, "Last Words" If you would like to read it, e-mail me. It doesn't have to be read to understand this story.

Dedication: I would like to thank the P/T Collective. With out all their constant threats, I never would have finished this story. Especially PJ, and that wonderful poem that put me on my special place on the flagpole, and Teddy threatening me with marshmallows. So if it stinks, send all comments to…just kidding. And a special thanks to my wonderful twin sister, Lauren. :-)

Please send all comments to ltrotsky17@hotmail.com Authors thrive on feedback, and I am not an exception. All comments and criticisms welcome. No flames please.

Grieving for Her

By Aurora Khan (ltrotsky17@hotmail.com)

*****************************************************

Tom didn't know where to look. The fire raged on, intent on consuming everything in its path, and all he could do was watch helplessly. The inferno incinerated the science station, making its way toward the Captain's chair, where Kathryn Janeway sat. She stayed there, rooted in her chair, her eyes staring at him, as the flames licked the tips of her boots.

"Captain!" cried Tom. He tried to move, but his feet were nailed to the floor. He stood there helplessly as his Captain was engulfed by the fire. The flames moved on, intent on seeking out its next victim--the one seated at the Engineering console.

"B'Elanna!" he shrieked. "Move! Please, just move it, damn it, move, move, move!!"

But B'Elanna didn't budge. She stayed there, hunched over the panel, intent on tapping in her commands. She didn't notice as the orange-red flames drew closer, she didn't notice when the fire started to eat up her pant leg, and slowly, the fire consumed all of her, and the only thing left was a heap of black ashes.

"NOOOOOOO," yelled Tom. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

*****************************************************

Tom bolted upright in his bed, disoriented. He put his hand over his heart, trying to judge his heart beat, which was thumping so hard, he thought it would burst out of his chest. Slowly, it calmed down.

Tom used that time to get his bearings. What had happened? Why had he awakened like that? Images of a great inferno filled his head, and he recoiled in horror.

*It was just a dream* he told himself. And he knew just why he was having this particular dream. He'd had it every night since the Krenim attack--ever since his lover, B'Elanna Torres, and Captain, Kathryn Janeway had died.

It had been two weeks since that fateful day, when Voyager had been surprised by the Krenim, whose torpedoes had ripped through the shields as if they had been made from tissue paper. Two weeks since he had witnessed their deaths. But, every night he relived the pain.

From the moment he shut his eyes to go to sleep, he would dream only of B'Elanna and Kathryn. Sometimes he would see them as they had died, when an explosion from the Engineering console had sent them hurtling through the air, covering their faces with burns. Other times, he would see them die--but it a far more painful, grisly manner.

Pushing back the covers, he got out of bed, and padded over to the replicator, ironically one of the only things that still worked. Not bothering to give in a vocal command, he tapped in a few keys, and a glass of tea appeared.

Taking it, he made his way to the small recliner, and sat back, sipping his tea. He gazed out the window, eyes fixed on the twinkling stars. Stars that reminded him of B'Elanna's eyes, that beautiful chocolate color, full of life and exuberance. Eyes that he would never see again. As tears sparked in his eyes, he thought back to a time, only a few weeks ago when he had been stargazing on the holodeck with B'Elanna. A time when he was filled with joy, and the feelings that only a man in love could have. A time when he

had felt no pain....

**********************************************************

B'Elanna entered Holodeck 2, smoothing down the front of her maroon blouse and picking at it nervously. Annoyed by the gesture, she silently reprimanded herself. *All I'm going to do is meet Tom, there's no reason to be nervous.*

Nonetheless, she kept fidgeting with the hem of her knee length skirt. It may have been 2 months since she had started dating the pilot, but that didn't mean all her insecurities had been vanquished.

As she walked toward Tom, she looked around the holodeck, which had been transformed into a field of long, untamed green grass that made her want to take off her shoes and run barefoot. The night sky sparkled with gleaming stars, and a crescent moon was up high in the sky. The temperature was warm, with the slightest breeze--enough so that one could be comfortable--but so that one could be even more comfortable in the embrace of a loved one. A voice suddenly startled her out of her reverie.

"Glad to see you could make it, Bella," came the amused voice from the sandy haired pilot sitting several meters in front of her. He raised an eyebrow as she approached, and let out a whistle. "You look ab-so-lute-ly stunning."

B'Elanna blushed, glad that the darkened atmosphere and her brown skin hid the reddening of her cheeks. Not many people could make her blush, but Tom seemed to do it all the time. "You don't look half bad yourself," she said. "With the exception of that shirt, of course."

Tom looked down at his shirt, and with a look of mock outrage, demanded," What's wrong with my shirt? It's classic 1962 Big Daddy-O--"

"I know," grinned B'Elanna, coming to sit next to him. "It's your favorite shirt of all-time. But I still think it

looks ridiculous."

Tom harrumphed, and pretended to look insulted. "Well, you can insult my shirt, but not my holodeck programming skills. What do you think?" He gestured around, encompassing the entire holodeck.

B'Elanna glanced around and shrugged her shoulder non-comitally. "It's........"

"It's what??" Tom looked worried, his azure eyes going wide.

"Just perfect."

He let out a sigh of relief. "I'm glad you like it, B'Elanna. I made it just for you." He glanced at her profile, wondering how he had wound up with someone so beautiful.

She turned and favored him with one of her rare, but gorgeous, sparkling smiles that made Tom's heart quicken. "It really is beautiful, Tom."

Tom leaned back on the grass, and beckoned for B'Elanna to do the same. "I want to show you some constellations."

B'Elanna lay down, resting her head next to Tom's. "Go ahead, I'm all ears."

"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of all curves," deadpanned Tom. At one time, that remark would have cost him his head, but B'Elanna just swatted his arm.

"Think with your head, not your hormones!" she ordered, smiling nonetheless.

Tom affected a look of wounded pride. "I am shocked that you think that *I* think with my hormones."

"Honestly," muttered B'Elanna. "Now, you were saying about the constellations?"

He propped himself up on one elbow, looking down upon the form of Voyager's chief engineer with a delighted smile. "I just got a very strange idea."

"Oh no." B'Elanna started to edge away, but it was difficult since she was laying down. She didn't like that

look in Tom's eyes.

"There's always one thing I wondered about you," began Tom.

"Whatever it is, you don't want to know." B'Elanna kept edging away, and Tom kept moving right along with her.

"I've always wondered if...." Tom's voice trailed off as his fingers moved in random little circles along her arm.

B'Elanna tried to push away the tingly feeling that was moving up her arm. "You're a pilot, not a scientist, you don't have to be curious."

"But I was wondering if Klingons…even a half-Klingon could be ticklish." And before B'Elanna could make another move, Tom's long fingers were attacking her in the ribs, moving up and down her side.

"Stop that!" shrieked B'Elanna, giggling. "TOMMM!!!" She tried to move her arms out from underneath him, but he had them effectively pinned down.

Tom watched, as delighted as a child, as B'Elanna laughed, her normal reserve washing away. It was one of his main goals to have B'Elanna smile that way all the time. He poked her in the ribs one more time, and returned to staring at the stars from her side.

B'Elanna took a couple deep breaths, trying to ease away the ache laughing too hard had caused in her side. Rolling over, she rested her elbows on Tom's chest, and raised her eyebrows at the smug pilot.

"I trust your curiosity was fulfilled?" she asked, idly tracing patterns in the gold curls that covered his chest.

"Yes it was," grinned Tom.

"Good. Don't do it again." She turned over again, so the back of her head was resting against his chest, but she was gazing up at the stars. "Are you going to go ahead with your lecture on constellations, Professor Paris?"

"Certainly, Ms. Torres. Now, see that bright one all the way at the right? That one's called Antares, one of the ten biggest stars. It's in the constellation scorpion......"

The rest of the night passed quickly in both of their recollections. They stayed there almost all night, talking about everything under the sun--or in this case, the moon. He told her about his childhood, the pressures of growing up under a Starfleet Admiral who wanted nothing but perfection. And she in turn, told him about her childhood, growing up as the only Klingon on a human colony. They talked about their dreams, and even their insecurities. It was the most enjoyable evening either of them had ever had, and only the beginning on many more to come. Until the Krenim attack months later.

************************************

Tom blinked, coming out of his memory at the sound of the persistent chiming at the door. "Come," he called, not caring particularly who it was.

Harry Kim stepped inside and approached Tom. " Hi Tom. I thought you'd be dressed by now."

Tom gave him a puzzled look. "For what? My shift doesn't start for another.." He checked the chronometer," five hours."

"Don't you remember?" asked Harry, taking a seat on the couch in front of Tom. "Today is the memorial service." The dim light in the cabin caught the Ensign's face, showing it to Tom for the first time. Harry's eyes were slightly puffy, and he had deep hollows under his eyes. His entire face looked weary, making him appear much older than he really was. Tom supposed he didn't look much better.

"Why bother?" he asked, listlessly. "They're gone, Harry. B'Elanna, the Captain, Joe Carey...they're dead. What does it matter if I go to their memorial service are not? They'll never know." He set his glass of now cold tea on the stand beside him, and faced the stars again.

Harry let out a soft sigh. Tom had been like this everyday for the past two weeks, burying himself in his work and refusing to talk about anything that didn't have to do with the ship. "Tom, please, do it. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, just come with me, all right?"

"Fine." Tom turned away from the window, and headed towards his sleeping area." I'll change and be right back."

Harry watched his best friend walk away, his shoulders slumped and everything about him screaming 'I'm miserable'. Harry understood his grief. Watching B'Elanna and Kathryn die had been no easy thing for him either, but he was trying to mourn for them, not hide his pain behind a mask of Everything-is-fine-don't-bother-about-me attitude.

Trying to dismiss his thoughts, he wandered around the room, picking up various artifacts and memorabilia Tom had placed around the room from their various travels through the Delta Quadrant. He stopped at the desk, and picked up a picture of B'Elanna, Tom and himself in the resort program; B'Elanna was standing in the middle, both men's' arms wrapped around her waist, her arms around their shoulders. They were all laughing, and as Harry recalled, they had been laughing at Ensign Larson's reaction to the angla basque pie Neelix had forced him to eat. As he remembered the day, tears formed in his eyes, and he blinked them back, determined not to let them out.

He studied the picture, focusing in on Tom and B'Elanna. They had been a great couple. It had been hard to believe that B'Elanna had been uncertain about the whole thing at first. He could still remember the day, almost six months ago, when he had had to convince B'Elanna to give Tom a chance......

**************************************************************

B'Elanna sat at her usual table in the mess hall, sipping a raktajino, and ostensibly going over the report on the status of the magnetic interlocks. Truth be told, she was a million miles away from Voyager, and her thoughts definitely had nothing to do with anything remotely connected with Engineering.

"Hi, B'Elanna," greeted Harry, slipping into the seat across from her. The Chief Engineer didn't even look up.

"B'Elanna?" he tried again. Nothing.

As he sat there, pondering whether or not to grab the padd right out of her hands, and how hard she would slap him, B'Elanna looked up with a sigh, right at the Ensign.

"Harry! What are you doing here?" she demanded. "And don't sneak up on me like that!" She took another swig of her coffee, and tossed the padd down onto the table.

"I just came off-duty, and I was wondering if you wanted to go hydro-sailing with me on the holodeck." Harry snuck a peak at the padd, and saw that it was a report on the magnetic interlocks. Definitely not something that would hold B'Elanna's attention, no matter what a brilliant and dedicated engineer she was. The fact that she had a small wrinkle between her eyes, the one she got when she deep in thought, only solidified the fact that she had not been reading that report. Obviously, she had something on her mind, and it was only a matter of time before he managed to worm it out of her.

"Hydro-sailing?" B'Elanna looked amused. "I thought you'd given it up after that incident with the holo-character,--"

Harry held up a hand. "I know, I know. But I figured, might as well put those lessons to good use. Do you want to?"

"In the resort program?"

Harry's forehead wrinkled. "Of course in the resort program."

B'Elanna shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "No, I don't think so, Starfleet. Maybe another time." She picked up the padd and turned her attention back to it--or so it seemed.

"B'Elanna, that report can't be that fascinating. There's obviously something bothering you. Are you going to tell me what it is, or do I have to threaten you with Neelix's food?"

Harry looked so serious that B'Elanna cracked a grin. "That's all right, Starfleet. But nothing's wrong, I'm perfectly fine." She endeavored to smile, but failed miserably.

"No, you're not," countered Harry. He stood up. "Maybe I'll just get Tom, and both of us can try to worm an answer---."

"NO!"

Her answer was so forceful that Harry promptly sat back down in his chair. So this had something to do with Tom. Figured. As a best friend to both of them, it had been impossible NOT to notice the attraction between the two. It also explained why she didn't want to go to the resort--that was where Tom spent most of his off-duty hours. "Are you going to tell me now?" he asked softly.

"Fine," said B'Elanna, slightly irritated. "Tom asked me to have dinner with him."

She seemed to think that was sufficient information. Harry disagreed. "And..."

"And I told him I'd think about it."

"And..," prompted Harry.

"And what?" demanded B'Elanna.

"What did you tell him?" Harry was patient, eventually he'd get the whole thing out of her.

"That I'd think it over."

"And what did you come up with?"

B'Elanna stared at Harry incredulously. "If I had come up with something, I wouldn't be sitting here, thinking about it!"

"It should be fairly obvious," pointed out Harry. "Either, yes, you will have dinner with him, or no, you won't have dinner with him. What's there to think about it?"

B'Elanna just glared at him. "No wonder you're a male. You make the perfect one. There'd be no way you could make it as a woman."

Harry wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a compliment, but he didn't think so.

"There's a lot to think about!" continued B'Elanna. "If I say yes, it'll be a leap forward in our relationship--"

"One giant leap for mankind," interjected Harry.

When B'Elanna stared at him, he just shrugged his shoulders, and said," an old quote from when the first man set foot on the moon."

"Keep your quotes to yourself. As I was saying,"

started B'Elanna, again," if I accept, it'll be a step forward in our relationship."

"You've had plenty of lunch dates."

B'Elanna gave him another look that clearly said 'MEN!' "Lunch dates are different from dinner dates, Harry. The lunch dates were in the mess hall, surrounded by other people. A dinner date would be on the holodeck, or in his quarters, where it would be more private. It would be a real date."

"Well, even I, being the inept male, can tell that there's something bothering you that doesn't have to do with the fact that you'll be all alone with Tom Paris. Will you tell me that?"

B'Elanna stiffened, and Harry knew that he had finally struck the core of the problem.

"What makes you say that?" asked B'Elanna, trying to relax. She leaned back in her chair, in an attempt to appear casual, and failed miserably.

"B'Elanna, you have to talk about it with someone," pointed out Harry reasonably.

"Who died and left you ship's counselor?" muttered B'Elanna.

Harry just looked at her with a gaze that said you have to talk to me, or you'll go bonkers.

She heaved a sigh. "All right. It's just that...I know Tom's a nice guy......." Her voice trailed off, and she

seemed to be utterly devoted to staring into depths of her rakatjino.

"Yes, Tom's a great guy," agreed Harry, unsure of where the conversation was going.

"Well, it's...how do I know that he's really interested in *me?" rushed out B'Elanna, looking up from her glass.

He had no idea what she meant. "What do you mean, really interested in you? Who else would he be interested in?" he asked, trying to phrase the question as carefully as possible. He wasn't a counselor, despite what B'Elanna thought, but he knew he had to be careful.

"No, I mean..." B'Elanna seemed frustrated with her inability to articulate what she was feeling. "How do I know that he's interested in *who I am* instead of what I am?"

Harry was still stumped. "What you are?"

"You know, just another woman he sees as an object to get into bed, or another conquest--"

"B'Elanna!" hissed Harry, trying to keep his voice low so no one else in the mess hall would be able to eavesdrop.

"You know Tom's not like that!"

"That's the point, Harry! How do I *know* he's not like that? You've heard all the rumors about his reputation as a playboy...."

"They're just *rumors*, B'Elanna," said Harry, stressing the word rumors. "Have you seem him go out on a date with anyone in the past year? Ever since he started to express an interest in you?"

"No, but that doesn't mean he really cares about me! That he wants to get to know me as who I am, instead of a half-Klingon!"

"What does being half-Klingon have to do with any of this?"

B'Elanna gave him the Janeway glare. "Oh come on, Harry. Even you have got to have heard all the rumors about Klingon women--about how great they are in bed, and--"

"That's enough," said Harry, who had no desire to hear about Klingon women's sexual prowess. "But Tom's not like that! He wouldn't date you because he has designs on your body! If he all he wanted you for was your body, he would have taken advantage of you on Sakari 5!"

"But he might not have taken advantage of me because he knew I would kill him once I came to my senses," argued B'Elanna.

Harry was suddenly beginning to understand what was really bothering B'Elanna. "I get it. You just want to see if you can find out if there's anyway to know from the start whether this is going to be a life-long relationship, something really meaningful. You want to save yourself the heartache of a broken relationship."

"What's wrong with that?" asked B'Elanna, stirring her rakatjino for no other reason than to give her hands something to do.

"Nothing," smiled Harry. "It's just , there's no way to predict how a relationship will turn out. You have to ride the waves, looking for the perfect one. But I can tell you this. Tom isn't a playboy. If you're both right for each other, I know he'll commit to you."

B'Elanna stared at him for a long time, contemplating his words. "Thanks, Harry. I think I'll take your advice."

She rose from her seat, with a look of determination on her face.

"Where are you going?"

"To the resort. I'm going to tell Tom that my answer's yes." B'Elanna headed toward the exit. "Oh, and Harry?" she called back as she neared the exit.

"Yeah?"

"If this doesn't work out, I'm going to kill you."

"And if it does?" challenged Harry.

"Then I'll name our first kid after you." With that, she swept out of the room, leaving a roomful of confused

crew members, and an amused Ensign Kim behind.

"All I can say is this," announced Harry to the still befuddled officers in the mess hall. "I sincerely hope they don't have a girl."

************************************************************

While Harry was outside, reminiscing, Tom was in front of his closet, thumbing through a rack of uniforms. Who knew why; it wasn't as if any of them differed from the rest.

He reached out to grab one at random, but what he pulled out wasn't his uniform at all. In fact, it didn't even belong to him. It was B'Elanna's robe. One she had left three months ago, shortly after the first time he first told her that he loved her.......................

********************************************

Tom buried his face in his hands. He had just ruined a relationship with a woman he would have been very happy spending the rest of his life with. He hadn't meant too, of course, but that didn't make him feel any better.

It had started out as a perfect evening. B'Elanna had met him on the holodeck, wearing one of those red dresses that he adored. The rest of the night had been spent eating wonderful food--for which he had carefully saved his rations for--,conversation and a little dancing. Then he had to spoil it all by telling her he loved her. That had been a very quick conversation stopper. B'Elanna had left the holodeck before he could say anything else.

*I'm an idiot* he moaned. *I shouldn't have rushed her. Three months was way to quick, I should have waited a little while longer. I'm a moron, moron, moron, moron--* His tirade was interrupted by the doorbell.

Too despondent to even bother calling out the command, he trudged over to the door, and pressed the manual release key. The door slid open, and standing there was B'Elanna, wearing a long, silky burgundy nightdress, with a robe thrown over. Her hair was tousled, but she didn't seem to care.

"B'Elanna, I thought you'd never want to see me again," said Tom, once he managed to pick his jaw up from the floor where it had fallen from shock.

B'Elanna just stood there, eyes sparkling, breathless from her mad dash all the way to his quarters. From the state she was in, Tom wasn't even sure if she remembered to use the turbolifts.

"I love you too, Tom," she said simply.

His mouth dropped open again. Of all the things he had expected her to say, 'I love you' was definitely not one of them. About to take her in his arms, he suddenly noticed Ensign Lauren Lerner and Lieutenant P.J. Turner standing in the corridor, gawking. He looked down at himself, and suddenly realized why--he was shirtless, leaving his chest bare, and B'Elanna was standing in front of him, wearing her very body-hugging night dress. Yanking B'Elanna inside his quarters, he let the doors slide back shut, away from the prying eyes of their comrades.

"But…you ran out of the holodeck…and you seemed so upset....," trailed off Tom.

"I know, and I'm sorry," apologized B'Elanna. "But...you startled me when you told me that you loved me…and I wasn't sure whether I was ready for such a serious relationship, but then I talked to Harry-"

"You talked to *Harry* about this?"

B'Elanna ignored the question. "And I decided that I love you, and I'm ready for whatever direction our relationship decides to go. I'm ready to take another step forward in our relationship." She leaned forward and kissed him with a passion that left him slightly light-headed.

"Does this mean--you want to take a leap forward in our relationship by making it more...physical?"

"It'll be a leap forward for mankind."

"What??"

"Never mind," said B'Elanna, brushing it off. "Just something Harry mentioned a while ago."

"My dear, you think entirely too much about Harry. I think it's time we remedied that," grinned Tom, pushing the edges of her robe off her shoulders.

Letting the robe drop to the floor, she slid her hand across his chest, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I think I'm up for that," she whispered, her lips two centimeters from his.

When their lips met, their fate had been sealed. They were in this together…for better or worse.

***********************************************************

Tom closed his eyes, determined not to shed any tears. He was stronger than that. Letting the robe slide through his fingers, it landed in a heap at his feet.

Taking several deep breaths, he opened his eyes, and grabbed a uniform out of his closet and changed. Running a quick comb through his mussed hair, he went to meet Harry.

"Harry, ready to go?" he asked, coming up behind his best friend.

Harry jumped, startled. Setting down a picture hastily, he turned. "Yeah, might as well get this over with."

"Might as well," echoed Tom, his voice empty. He turned to exit his quarters, taking quick strides as if walking faster would help distract him from his bereavement.

************************************************************

****

Chakotay entered the mess hall and took a seat in one of the chairs in the back row, hoping to get a few moments of peace before everyone started to come in for the memorial service. He ran his hands through his salt and pepper colored hair, trying to ease the throbbing pain in his head. The pain had started the moment Kathryn, B'Elanna, Joe Carey, and 10 other personnel had died and hadn't let up since. Nor had he had a moment to properly mourn, to contact his spirit guide. Almost every moment for the past 14 days

had been consumed with over seeing repairs. It hadn't helped matters that the Chief Engineer, her second-in -command and six other of the Engineering staff had been killed.

Taking deep gulps of air, he tried to compose himself, to try not to think of the conversation he had had with B'Elanna the morning of the attack. A conversation that he thought would help change the nature of his relationship with Kathryn Janeway.

Slowly, his mind seemed to run back through time, making him remember the last time he had spoken to his best friend..........

*************************

B'Elanna entered the mess hall, a smile on her face. This had all the makings of the perfect day. For once she had enough rations to treat herself to a decent meal, not one of Neelix's breakfast surprises.

After she retrieved her breakfast from the replicator--some toast, a cup of raktajino and scrambled eggs--she headed over to the corner to sit at her usual table, when she noticed Chakotay sitting by himself, facing the view port, picking at his breakfast--whatever it was. Changing direction, she plopped herself down, across from Chakotay.

"Oh, hello B'Elanna," greeted Chakotay, looking up from prodding at the brown muck that Neelix called breakfast.

"You sounded more enthusiastic when we were facing Cardassian warships," said B'Elanna, studying his face. "Something wrong?"

Chakotay plastered a phony looking smile on his face which didn't fool B'Elanna for a second. She'd smiled that smile many a time when she was trying her very best not to show she was miserable.

"Not at all. It's just breakfast...not exactly appetizing, as you can see," explained Chakotay.

If there was one thing B'Elanna hated, it was being lied to about something that was so obvious. "Chakotay, cut to the chase. There's something gnawing at you, and you won't be comfortable until you tell me what it is. So tell me!"

Looking at her, Chakotay decided that it was a good thing she wasn't a psychologist. She would have scared off all her patients.

"All right, all right," he sighed. B'Elanna wasn't going to let up until he told her, and he'd have better luck moping up the tide with a sponge than he would trying to stop B'Elanna from being so inquisitive. "I'll tell you. But only because you're my oldest friend. And if word of this gets out--"

"You'll rip my heart out and eat it raw?" suggested B'Elanna with a smirk.

"I'd prefer something less brutal...but if I have to, yes," decided Chakotay.

"Go ahead and tell me," insisted B'Elanna. She leaned back in her chair, taking a bite of her toast. "This has something to do with the Captain, doesn't?"

He looked at her with surprise written all over his face. "How did you know?"

She took a sip of her drink. "I may not be a 'people-person', Chakotay, but I am a woman. And I can tell these things. Now, go ahead."

"It's just that...I have....what one might call....feelings for Kathryn--"

"Now, there's a surprise," interjected B'Elanna. Seeing

Chakotay's frown, she stuffed her mouth full of scrambled eggs, and nodded for him to continue.

"And...I don't know what to do about them," finished Chakotay awkwardly. He shoved a forkful of the brown gunk into his mouth, hoping his tongue wouldn't fall out. It didn't, and as he let it sit there, he realized it didn't taste half as bad as he thought it would. He took another bite waiting for B'Elanna to finish swallowing her eggs.

"I think," began B'Elanna slowly. "That you should start with something simple. Ask her out on a date."

The First Officer of Voyager stared at her uncomprehendingly. "A...date?"

"Yes, a date," said B'Elanna. "You know, where two people go out for a nice evening of relaxation, dinner, to get to know each other..."

"Yes, I know what a date is, thanks," answered Chakotay. "But right now we have a perfectly comfortable

working relationship. If I asked her out on a date, it would be a big step in our relationship."

B'Elanna suddenly felt the odd sense of reverse deja-vu. Wasn't this similar to a conversation she had had with Harry six months ago? "Starting out a relationship is tough, Chakotay. But you have to hang in there. Take things nice and easy. If you really care for her, ask her out. A relationship is like.." she searched desperately for a comparison,"...Neelix's brown breakfast surprise!"

"What??"

"It's like this," explained B'Elanna. "When you first saw his food, you were daunted. It looked scary. You weren't sure what would happen. But then, you finally decided to take the plunge, and you took a bite. And you realized it was pretty good. So you ate a little more, and it became better. It's the same thing with a relationship. As time progresses, it becomes better. But only if you're willing to risk it."

"Thanks, B'Elanna," said Chakotay. He stood up with his tray. "I

think I'll take that plunge."

And Chakotay would have too. He had gone to the Bridge, full of confidence. Even started a discussion about Gothic literature so that he would have an excuse to invite Kathryn to a holodeck program he had been designing for her. But then the Krenim had attacked, and there had been no more time.

*********************************************************

"Commander?"

Chakotay's eyes flew open at the sound of Kes' voice. "Yes, what is it?"

"Everyone is here, sir. I thought you might like to start," explained Kes, gazing at him with concerned blue

eyes.

Chakotay nodded in appreciation. "Thank you, Kes." Rising from his seat, he made his way toward the front of the room. Before he started, he examined everyone. Tom and Harry were sitting near the middle. Harry's eyes were red rimmed, but Tom just stared ahead as if made from stone. Tuvok was sitting in the front row, grieving for his friend, the captain inside, but stoic on the outside. Neelix was sitting next to Kes, and a few seats down from Tuvok. The smile that was so characteristic of him was missing,

showing that even the morale officer couldn't think of anything to laugh about. Kes was sitting there, her eyes wide, the empathy for everyone in the room showing clearly on her face. Which made sense, being a telepath, she could feel everyone else's emotions and thoughts.

Clearing his throat, he began. "It's been two weeks since the attack, and from that moment on, not one of us has had time to properly grieve for our dead. All those who died, died trying to protect Voyager, so it could continue it's journey home. So let us remember the good times we shared with Captain Kathryn Janeway, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, Lieutenant Joe Carey, Crewman Susan Kulik, Ensign Alessandra DeMedici, Ensign Vorik, Ensign James Morathe, Lieutenant Moira O'Leary, Crewman Phillip DuLac, Ensign Solange DuBois, Ensign Carmen Lyre, Ensign JoAnn Levi, and Lieutenant Zelbak Larque." Chakotay took a deep breath as he finished reciting the names of the dead. Not that he had had any trouble remembering them, no, the names would always be permanently engraved in his mind, just as were all the other names of crew members he had lost under his command.

"Would anyone like to say anything?" he asked.

A small wave of mumbling ran through the crowd, and Tom Paris stood up. "I'd like to say a few words," he announced.

Harry looked at him in surprise.

Chakotay gestured to the small podium he was standing at, and Tom walked up to it while Chakotay took a seat in the back.

"I...just wanted to say that Captain Janeway was a wonderful woman and commanding officer. She was the only one who gave me a chance to redeem myself. She trusted me when no one else did, and I will always be grateful for that. She was my mentor, my commanding officer and my friend." Tom took in a long shuddering breath trying to force the lump out of his throat. "And Solange, James, JoAnn, Phillip, Carmen, Zelbak, Moira, Alessandra, and Joe were wonderful people. They were dedicated officers, and great friends. And I will miss each and every one of them." The lump in his throat was growing bigger, but he forced himself to go on. "And B'Elanna...she is--was-." And suddenly Tom couldn't take it anymore. He could no longer go on pretending that everything was okay. Without another word, he turned and walked out of the mess hall.

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He didn't now where he was running, or what he was running to, or even what he was running from. But he kept going anyway. And somehow, he found himself in the hydroponics bay.

He slumped to the floor, his various emotions running rampant through him, all unleashed and impossible to control. And as he sat there, he breathed in the sweet smell of roses.

As the fragrance wafted by his nostrils, he felt another wave of emotion wash over him. He hadn't been to the hydroponics bay since the attack.. He had come with B'Elanna, the night before the attack, and he had given her one of the roses......

***********************************************************************

Tom plucked a tarkalian tea rose from the plant they were standing next to and handed it to B'Elanna with an exaggerated flourish. "For you, my beloved."

"Thank you," smiled B'Elanna. She kissed him on the cheek, and then put the rose up to her nose. "This smells wonderful."

Tom smiled back. The past six months had been absolutely heavenly. Every moment he spent with B'Elanna was one he would treasure forever. There relationship had grown fuller and richer, and it wasn't just because they had slept together. Every day he loved her more and more. "You know, I don't know how I ended with such a wonderful, gorgeous woman."

"Neither do I," deadpanned B'Elanna. "I thought you were here with me." She started to chuckle when Tom's fingers started running up and down her ribcage in retaliation. "TOM! You know I hate to be tickled!"

"Which is why I do it," he explained, but stopped, and instead pulled her into his arms, her back against his chest.

B'Elanna rested against him. They stood in silence for a while, both wrapped up in their own thoughts until Tom broke the silence.

Suddenly, he spun her around looking in her eyes with urgency. "B'Elanna, will you promise me something?"

Taken back by the intensity in his blue eyes, she nodded in agreement.

He took a deep breath. "Promise me...that you'll never leave me?"

B'Elanna touched Tom’s cheek. "I promise," she said solemnly.

But the next day she was brutally taken from him and never had the chance to live out her promise.

*************************************

Kes reached out and pressed a hand against Tom's cheek. "Tom? It's me, Kes," she called out. She was crouched down in front of him, looking for any signs that he had heard her.

She didn't know what had compelled her to run after him. Maybe it was the turbulent feelings she felt projecting from him. Maybe it was because she considered him a good friend. Or perhaps she would never be able to figure out why she had. But the point was, she was here, and all she wanted to do was help him.

His eyes opened, filled with an emotion she had never seen in him. And as if a cork had been unleashed from the bottle holding his emotions in check, they exploded against Kes. She staggered backward, the waves of agony, pain, sadness and most of all anger overwhelming her mental barriers.

Tears poured down Tom's face in streams, and he didn't stop to brush them away. The feelings he had held back for so long were finally coming out. "I just feel...SO ANGRY!" he shouted, his tears dripping over his uniform. "She left me, she promised she would stay with me, and she left! I thought that she would stay with me, I thought she cared, and she left," he repeated, his voice rising with every syllable. And just like that, his voice dropped and he said in a voice filled with anguish," I don't know what to do without her. She was my life."

Kes managed to regain her equilibrium by erecting the mental shields Tuvok had told her about. "Listen to me, Tom." She took his face in her hands, forcing his eyes to stare at her. "It was the Krenim. It was the Krenim attack that caused B'Elanna's death. Right now, you're letting all your anger, and frustration come out. All of it that was locked up inside of you, that you denied. You will be all right. You need time to mourn. To sort things out, not pretend everything is normal! You can't go on like that!"

His eyes stared past her, unseeingly. "But I can't go on without her. You don't know what it's like to lose

someone you love, Kes. How it is to seem them *DIE* before your very eyes! How your dreams are filled with nothing but them, haunting you, mocking you. Saying that you could have saved them, if you had only tried a bit harder. Just one damned bit, and I could have saved them!" His eyes focused on her. "You will never understand until it happens to you! Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is *her*. I see her there, lying on the floor, her body broken and burnt, and I think, and I know that I could have done something. That if I had been smart enough, or strong enough, I could have prevented their senseless deaths. The grief is overwhelming, Kes. If I let my guard down for one second, it comes back to haunt me, taunt me." His voice rose hysterically," It mocks me showing me the B'Elanna I knew and loved and cherished, and then all I see is her, broken and bruised, never to smile or laugh with me again. I can never see her, touch her or talk to her and I don't know how to deal with that!" He turned away from Kes, from the eyes full of sympathy. He didn't want sympathy. He wanted B'Elanna and he couldn't have her.

Kes had no idea what to do. She wished The Doctor was here, he was programmed with enough psychological know-how, he'd know what to do. But she was just a nurse in training, and nothing close to a counselor. Nonetheless, she pushed on, determined that she would help Tom.

Taking his hand in hers, she gripped it tightly as if hoping to pass some of her strength to him. "You're right, Tom, I don't know how it is to see someone I care about killed in front of my eyes. But I can truly say that I feel your pain. I know what you're going through. But you *must* listen to me. This is a frightening time for you. Your whole world is changing, and you don't know what to do, what to say or how to act. But I promise, I will help you. I will help you get through this." Her voice sounded so strong and reassuring that it penetrated Tom's shield of sadness.

Regaining a sense of normality, Tom rose to his feet shakily, Kes rising with him. "Thank you, Kes. I don't know what made me--"

Kes shook her head. "Don't apologize, Tom. Your emotions needed to come out." She smiled at him. "I know that this is tough for you, and as I said before, I will help you make it through this. You *will be* all right."

"Kes...would you mind leaving me alone for a few moments?" asked Tom, hesitantly. "I...just need to be by myself for a little while longer."

She patted his hand, and nodded.

As Kes left the hydroponics bay, Tom wandered over to the roses and stared down at them. As he examined the petals of one particularly large red tarkalian tea rose, B'Elanna's image appeared in the middle. He gazed at her image, knowing it was nothing more than a figment of his imagination, but couldn't help noticing how beautiful she was.

"You know, B'Elanna," he said to the image, wiping the tears from his eyes with his fingers," I loved you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I gave you my heart and my soul and I know you gave me yours. But fate conspired to keep us apart for all eternity." He bit his lip to keep it from trembling. "And, I don't blame you for that. I know I said so earlier, but that was in a fit of hysteria. It wasn't your fault. Not at all." He paused once again to compose himself. "I guess it's time for me to move on, to try to put my memories of you aside. It'll be hard, I know it will be. But I have to get through this. A part of my heart will always belong to you, my B'Elanna. For you were my first love and you always will be."

He turned and left the hydroponics bay, finally ready to mourn for her, not knowing that all this time, he had been grieving for her.

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