Remembering His Love

Remembering His Love

Aurora Khan (ltrotsky17@hotmail.com)

Star Trek: Voyager

Final Goodbyes Alternate Universe

Codes: P/T

Rating: G

Legal Disclaimer: All characters, except for the ones that

are unfamiliar (such as Priya and Gene) are all Paramount/Viacom's.

I don't get any compensation for writing this, so I don't consider

this stealing.

Feedback: Please send all comments to ltrotsky17@hotmail.com

I would really appreciate them.

Summary: After the death of her husband, B’Elanna listens to some of his log entries.

Archiving: Please do not archive anywhere. If you would like to link to this story, please e-mail me and ask me first.

I like to know where my stories are so I can come and visit. J

You can link my stories from my site at http://www.oocities.org/auspicious17/contents.html

Author’s Notes: I wrote this at the spur of the moment follow up to

Final Goodbyes and is set three days after the end of that story. It’s not necessary

to read that story before reading this one, although it might be helpful.

And for one of the log entries, there's one particularly

embarrassing one that came from several spoilers I heard for

the fourth season episode Scientific Method. It did not

come true, but it’s fan fiction so I don’t think

anybody really minds.

And a word of a caution---this story, unlike my others

Painful Secrets, Final Goodbyes and Grieving For Her,

this one has no real plot behind it.

Kind of a fluff piece, but not really fluffy

read and see what I mean...

I can’t even recall when I wrote this story, though

I think it was sometime in 1997. Or 1998.

Either way, it was extensively edited on

December 13, 2000.

************

Prologue

B'Elanna tossed and turned restlessly, balling up the covers

and throwing them to the floor angrily. No matter what she did,

sleep seemed determined to avoid her.

Giving up, she got out of bed and got a glass of cool water

from the replicator and sat down at her desk, sipping it.

Lately, or for the past two days, she hadn't slept a wink.

And it was obvious why. She was lonely.

She missed Tom every minute, every second. She still

couldn't believe he was actually gone. That concept was completely alien to her. Tom couldn't be. Not her Tom.

But he was. And when she got into bed, she missed having him

next to her, being able to curl up to him when she was cold instead of having to turn up the environmental controls. She still expected him to sneak up behind her when she was in the shower, scaring her half to death. Whenever she entered her quarters, she waited for him to come up and grab her waist and smother her with kisses. But he didn't, and he wouldn't because he was gone.

Dead, dead, dead, the word echoed repeatedly in her

brain, imprinting itself. All she could see now was Tom, laying on the bed, dying, quoting poetry. The charmer to the end.

I shall love thee better after death, he had told her. Maybe

it was so, but if he couldn't tell her, and she couldn't tell him, what good did love do?

She rubbed her eyes wearily and started circling her

quarters, looking for something to do. Anything that would be able to keep her occupied.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing to do. The plants had been

watered by the automatic timer Tom had insisted upon, Carey was handling everything in Engineering and would probably have her beamed back to her quarters if he even caught her within three meters of the area.

She could do one thing. Tom had asked her to listen to all his personal logs.

Heading back over to the desk, she started scrolling through all

his log entries. There were hundreds, he had been on the ship for

close to sixty years, after all.

"Computer, play recordings at random," she ordered, leaning

back in her chair.

This had to help. She didn't know how, but it had too. It

just did.

**********

Tom Paris Personal Log, Stardate ****.*

I can't believe it. I just can't. I'm a father. B'Elanna

delivered two very healthy fraternal twins, one boy and one girl, just as the Doctor had said.

Do all fathers go through this period of shock? For nine

months, I knew that I was going to be a father. I listened to the baby's heartbeat, I saw the sonograms. I touched B'Elanna's stomach, and felt the babies kick.

But until now, it was all in the abstract. But when I held

my beautiful babies, mine, not someone else’s, I just realized how much my life is going to change. I'm responsible for someone else’s life, two other living breathing people's lives. They're going to look up to me, Thomas Eugene Paris and expect me

to have all the answers. And right now, right here, I promise to be more of a father than mine ever was. I want to be there for them. I'm not going to make B'Elanna raise them all by herself like my father did. The Admiral never had time for simple things like playing a game of catch, or helping me with my homework. Catch would distract me too much from the Admiral's goal that I would become the youngest Captain, beating out James Kirk's record, and if I didn't know the answers for my homework, I just had to study more. I wasn't allowed to have help. That would have been too easy.

But my children-god, it still feels strange to say it out

loud-my children, mine and B'Elanna's...their childhood won't be as bad as mine, or B'Elanna's.

B'Elanna...I know how hard this was for her. Not just the

delivery part. No matter how hard she tried to hard it from me, I know that she was afraid she was going to miscarry the babies. And when the Doc placed little Priya Lauren and Eugene Marcos in her arms, I saw the relief in her eyes that were alive.

I told her I'd be down in Sickbay for the twins first

feeding-despite her numerous protests that I didn't have to be there. But I refuse to miss any part of their lives--

The message was cut off abruptly, that was probably the part

he realized he was getting late, recalled B'Elanna.

Tom had been delirious with joy that day. The minute the

twins had been delivered he had alerted the Bridge with shrieks of

"It's a girl! It's a boy!" much to the officers’ confusion.

Both of them had decided not to tell anyone about having

twins, especially ones of different sexes. It had kept the

betting pool riding high. And Debra Tuiochyta, the instigator of the pool, had walked away, thrilled to pieces with all the replicator rations she had collected.

*I never really knew how much he cared about making sure he was

a part of the kids' lives* though B'Elanna. *Not that much

anyway*

"Computer, continue replaying Paris, Thomas E.'s personal

logs at random," B'Elanna told the computer. "Authorization

Torres AlphaCharlie."

"Playing," responded the computer.

The room was silent, with the exception of Tom's voice.

Tom Paris, Personal Log, Stardate 50537.2

Be careful what you wish for, she said to me about 60

seconds ago in the turbolift. Now what am I supposed to do?

Well, first, I should figure out whether or not I want to

strangle Vorik. After all he did...interrupt B’Elanna and me. Should I be grateful or throw him out the airlock? Or just let B'Elanna do it?

Actually, I don't even know exactly what she feels about all

this. I know she's embarrassed-who wouldn't be? But did she really mean all those things she said to me in the cave? Right now, things are so confusing, I have no idea what I want to do.

I should march right over to B'Elanna's quarters and tell

her exactly how I feel about her. But I can't. I don't know why,

I've always felt comfortable around women before-but around B'Elanna, I feel different.

Because she is different. She's the most...beautiful,

intriguing, intelligent woman I've ever been attracted to. Not just attracted to- maybe even in love with it.

Now there's a big joke. Me, the playboy of Voyager, actually

head over heels in love with the one woman who actually called me a pig in front of Captain Janeway. I don't think I've every really been in love. But I am now.

But I don't know how to go about approaching her. I've tried inviting her to my Lake Como program, but I guess the crack about living like a monk didn't help. At Neelix's luau, I was hoping to try again, but Vorik managed to whisk her away.

When I flirt with her, she seems slightly uncomfortable, but

just shoots back a retort-a defense mechanism, I'll bet. But she

also seems to enjoy it. I just don't know.

She has to be a little interested in me, otherwise why would

she have chosen me to....mate with on Sakari IV? Or was it just

because it was either Neelix or me?

Too many questions, not enough answers. I think I'll go

shoot some pool at Sandrine’s to think this over. I never had a

woman confuse me this much before-but I think she's worth the

extra effort it takes to get through to her.

************

"He was feeling the same way I was," murmured B'Elanna. "I

never knew that."

In all the years they had been married, the pon farr

incident had never been a very good topic of conversation. It just wasn't discussed.

But it had been worth all the effort, or at least, she thought it had been.

Before she could think of anything else, the computer

started the next recording.

Tom Paris, Personal Log, Stardate *****.*

I've been through a lot of humiliating situations in my

life, but this one is the worst. It has to be, nothing could be more embarrassing. B'Elanna and I were both in the Jeffries’s Tubes...and things got a little heated, to say the least. We probably could have made a Ferengi blush!

But unbeknownst to us, scans were being run-visual scans,

not just audio ones of various parts of the ship. And guess which

location got transmitted right onto the main viewer? What else? Me and B'Elanna!!

Luckily, I managed to duck into my quarters before anybody

managed to catch me in the halls-Captain Janeway sent both B’Elanna and me off duty. I think she felt bad for us. But I saw her dissolve into giggles as we left her ready room. I don't blame her. You don't see images like that on the view screen everyday!

Harry looked absolutely horrified-and as if he wanted to laugh. Tuvok looked the same as usual, of course, but I saw my replacement at the conn, Ensign Morgana looking eager to start

feeding the gossip mill. I don't know what B'Elanna is going

to do---she didn't say anything in the turbolift, and she got out before I got enough nerve to bring it up. She didn't knock me into next week, I suppose that's a good sign.

Sometimes I wonder-why me??

**************

At her husband's mournful tone, she couldn't help giggling.

It had been a humiliating experience, but hearing him talk about it put everything into a different perspective.

It felt good to hear his voice-even if it was only a recording. But this was him. Not the always-happy facade he had usually had on, but his psyche, what he really felt.

She listened to countless more recordings, this time, curled up in bed, his voice lulling her to sleep. As she began to drift off, she only managed to catch bits and pieces of the recording. However, just before she totally faded away, she heard one last message.

**********

Tom Paris, Personal Log, Stardate *****.*

I'm sitting at the desk, recording this message, because I

have insomnia, and while I was staring at B'Elanna's sleeping form, I realized something.

I never told her I loved her. I don't mean I never said

those words, but I never told her how much I do. Can I ever? She means so much to me.

I would die for her, I would cut of each of my fingers with

a fork if it meant I could save her from any harm. She's my entire world, even more so than my kids are. They're grown up now, each married and happy, with their own children.

B'Elanna...my Bella. She truly is my beautiful one. I could

stare at her for hours on end, and I would never get tired. She's so strong, so brave. She is part of me. As sappy as it sounds, she's my better half.

How can I ever convey all that into three simple words like

I love you?

Will she ever know?

There are so many uncertainties in life...but I want her to

know for sure that my love isn't. Sometimes, I still see it in her

eyes, the doubt. The doubt that someone could really love her for who she is, and whether she really deserves it or not.

Well, she does. Every ounce of it. I do and will love her,

always and forever.

***********

Even half asleep, sharp tears stung her eyes. And no matter how bizarre someone else may have thought it was, listening to his

thoughts, his emotions were comforting in it's own way. As though he would always be with her..

Now she was more certain than ever that his love for her would still help her. As it always had, and it always would.

"I love you too," whispered B'Elanna, closing her eyes. "I

always will."

And for the first time since his death, she finally closed

her eyes and slept soundly.

**************

Please don't forget to send me some feedback at ltrotsky17@hotmail.com

And special thanks to Becca, Kat, Alex and DangerMom for

reading this and giving me enough feedback to add this to my website ;-)

Visit my website at http://www.oocities.org/auspicious17/contents.html