Painful Secrets
Aurora Khan(ltrotsky17@hotmail.com)
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Codes: Paris/Torres
Rating: PG-13

Legal Disclaimer-All the characters that you see listed on the credits for
Star Trek: Voyager are the
ones that belong to Paramount. The others are all mine,
or the Paris/Torres Collective's.

Synopsis: It's a few days before their one year anniversary, and
B'Elanna has exciting news for Tom. But when disaster strikes,
and she decides not to tell her husband, what will happen?

Please send all feedback to ltrotsky17@hotmail.com. I would really
appreciate it. Any nit picks, comments, critiques, but no flames.
And try to be just a tad gentle ;-)

Eternal thanks to the lovely Roxann Dawson. She is a superb actress and made
B'Elanna Torres one of my favorite characters. (And BTW, this is was written
before I found out that the happily married Ms. Dawson was pregnant with her
first child, daughter Emma). Because of Ms. Dawson's fantastic portrayal of
her character, it actually got my creative juices flowing and I have several
fan fiction stories to my name. And of course, equal thanks to the equally gracious
Robert Duncan McNeill, who gives life to the best darn pilot in the Delta Quadrant,
and everywhere else.

And many hugs to Becca, Lauren and Dangermom, whose valuable input helped
this story in so many uncountable ways.

And last but not least, thanks to Desi Arnaz, for actually helping to inspire
me to write this story. (If you want to know *how* a man whose been dead for
more than a decade did that, e-mail me at ltrotsky17@hotmail.com)

If any of you are actually re-reading this story you may notice some
Changes in the dialogue and descriptions. That's because I decided
to fine tune the story.


This story takes place in what would be the seventh season of
Voyager. This story was written before Seven of Nine came aboard,
but after I knew Kes was leaving, so neither blondes are in this
story.



********************************



B'Elanna Torres-Paris leaned over the sink and regurgitated every
single thing she'd eaten in the past five hours. Drawing a glass
of water, she rinsed out the foul aftertaste.

She felt nauseous and achy, but she was also delighted. For the
past month, her body had been sending her subtle little hints that
there might be something happening to her. Something absolutely
glorious. She smiled at her reflection in the mirror, and patted
her stomach gently. No, she decided, she wouldn't let herself get
too excited.

Gently tiptoeing back to the bed, she snuggled in next to her
husband, already making plans for the morning to come. She would
go see the Doctor during her lunch break to make sure it was
really true.

Beside her, Tom stirred. "Something wrong, B'Elanna?" he mumbled
into her neck.

"No," she whispered back, patting his chest. "Go back to sleep."
He obediently returned to his unconscious state.

B'Elanna stared at the ceiling, unable to wipe the grin off of her
face. Wrong? No, nothing was wrong. Everything was terrific.
Absolutely fantastic. With wonderful thoughts dancing through her
head, she drifted off to sleep.


********************


Tom Paris let out a yawn, and slung his arm over to the other side
of the bed so he could enjoy the last few minutes of peace with
his wife. But she wasn't there. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he
sat up, stretching his arms and letting out another huge yawn.

B'Elanna came out from the bathroom, already dressed for her usual
day in Engineering. She was surprisingly radiant, practically
glowing with good cheer. "Good morning, Tom." She stopped by, and
dropped a kiss on his lips. "It's about time you woke up."

"About time?" Tom frowned." I don't have to be on duty for another
hour."

"I know, but I couldn't sleep all night," confided B'Elanna, going
over to the replicator. She punched in a couple of codes and with
a shimmer of sparkles, a cup of mint tea appeared. Taking it, she
sat down on the edge of the bed, sipping it gingerly.

"Why so happy?" he asked. "Wait, don't tell me--you found the gift
I got you for our anniversary."

"Of course not," she sniffed indignantly. "I would never go
snooping around. Besides, I know for a fact that Harry is guarding
it with his life in his quarters."

Tom's eyes shot out of his head. "What?? How did you find that
out?"

"I have my ways," she replied smugly. "But, no, I don't know what
you got me. But I do know what I'm going to get you." Her smile
stretched from ear to ear. "You might even get something I hadn't
even planned."

"I know I'll love it--whatever it is. But don't go to too much
trouble for it," warned Tom, grinning anyway.

"Don't worry about it," insisted B'Elanna. A sly look crossed her
face and her eyes danced with amusement. "You did most of the work
already." Standing up, she put the cup back in the replicator, and
headed toward the door. "I'll see you during lunch," she called
over her shoulder as she left.

Tom shook his head. He hated cryptic remarks. Now he was going to
be wondering all day what it could be. "Hmm, let's see..." he
began, as he got out of bed. "Maybe it's a holodeck program she
modified for me, or maybe it's a......"


**************


During her lunch break, B'Elanna went to Sickbay, which was
deserted.

"Ah, Lieutenant Torres," the Doctor greeted her. "What did you do
this time?" He eyed her up and down. "It doesn't appear that you
are in any way physically injured. What brings you here today?
Some more tinkering with my program?"

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. It may have been seven years, but the
Doctor still had the same pedantic personality. "No, Doc, I want
you to check me over and see if you notice anything...different."
She hopped up on bio bed one. "And hurry up."

"I'm a doctor, not a slave," he muttered, but went and got his
tricorder. Running it over her, he proclaimed," Vital signs
normal, no broken bones--and wait a minute." He entered a few more
commands in the instrument, and focused it around B'Elanna's
middle. "You're pregnant!" he announced. "How long have you
known?"

"I suspected it for a month," admitted B'Elanna. "But I wasn't
really sure, so I came to see you."

"A month! According to my instrument, you are almost nine weeks
pregnant." The Doctor looked appalled. "You could have put you and
your unborn child in a lot of danger by not coming to see me
sooner. I have been programmed with the knowledge of more than
forty doctors such as Dr. Leonard--"

"I know, Doc, I know," interrupted B'Elanna. "But I'm here now,
and that's what counts."

"Well, there's nothing much to do at this stage," he decided.
"I'll give you some vitamin supplements since who knows what Mr.
Neelix puts in his food, and I'll need to set up regular
appointments. And should I inform the captain of your condition,
or would you like to?"

"I will....but don't let anyone know for a while, all right?"

"Whatever for? It is my understanding that the crew would be
delighted to hear such news. When Naomi Wildman was born..."

"I know. But Tom and my anniversary's coming up in two days, and I
want him to be the first to know. It's sort of...an anniversary
surprise," explained B'Elanna, jumping off the biobed. "Thanks
Doc!" And she was out of Sickbay before he could say another word.


*************************


"What do you mean, you didn't tell her? Who else knew you had it?"
demanded Tom, resting his elbows on the table.

Harry pushed away the green glop Neelix called lunch. "I told you,
Tom. No one knew. I didn't tell anyone that you gave me your
present for safekeeping!" he insisted.

"Are you absolutely sure? No one? Not even Erika Johnson?" Tom
raised a blond eyebrow. "You two are like glue these days."

Harry blushed. "We are not."

"Yeah, right. Then how come she's always at the resort with you,
and then she came to Sandrine's with you and the Resort program,
not to mention that she came with you to the Bolian Dance Club
program---"

"Enough with the 'with yous'," interrupted Harry. He sighed.
"Well, okay...maybe Erika and I have been getting closer
lately...but that doesn't mean I would tell her!"

"Tell her what?" asked B'Elanna, slipping into the chair opposite
Harry and next to Tom.

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with, my dear," said Tom
loftily, kissing B'Elanna on the cheek.

She looked from sheepish Harry, to Tom, who
looked as innocent as a Ferengi who had just stolen latinum. "You
were wondering how I knew Harry had the gift, weren't you?"

"Are you telepathic and neglected to tell me?" asked Tom, looking
at her oddly. "You seem to know everything."

"I know," grinned B'Elanna. Changing subjects, she pointed to the
green glob on Harry's tray. "Is that what's for lunch?" Her nose
wrinkled. "It smells awful!" A lot of things had changed in the
years they'd been on Voyager, but Neelix's food was definitely not
one of them.

"It does," agreed Harry, his own nose crinkling up. "Apparently
there's something called zoolobye in there, with some pleeka and
leola root."

"Pleeka and leola?" Tom made a gagging motion. "May the gods save
us all!" he exclaimed dramatically.

B'Elanna eyed it warily. She was starved, but it looked
so...disgusting. She knew pregnant women were supposed to crave
odd foods, but somehow she doubted that anyone would knowingly ask
for that concoction. "I think I'll pass. I have two or three
rations left...I think I'll replicate a grilled cheese sandwich
with lasagna on top," she decided out loud.

Both men stared at her. "Grilled cheese with lasagna? What kind of
meal is that?" wondered Harry.

"It's bizarre, I know. But I have this sudden craving for it." She
shrugged. "Whatever works, right? Anyway, I feel sort of tired, I
think I'll go to our quarters." And in a whirl of motion she
kissed Tom and was gone from the room.

"That is one energetic woman," whistled Harry, appreciatively.
"Especially for one who says she's tired."

"She said she didn't get much sleep last night," explained Tom.
"But she is an amazing woman, I'll tell you that much."

*****************************


B'Elanna sat in front of her desk terminal, a grilled cheese
sandwich with lasagna on top in one hand, with the other hand
being used to scroll down the computer screen. It wouldn't hurt to
look up a few things about being pregnant.

"Throwing things...sneezing....," she mumbled, taking a bite of
her sandwich. "It seems to me that the women have to suffer a lot
while giving birth. At least I'm not Bajoran--sneezing and eating
herbs doesn't sound very thrilling." She took a sip of her lemon
juice--an old Terran drink called 'lemonade' and a bite of her
sandwich.

Closing the file, she called up another one--this one on Terran
names. Maybe she was being a little over
eager...but she couldn't help herself. It was just such fantastic
news that she and Tom were going to have a baby. She wished she
could tell him right now--but their anniversary was in two days,
so she might as well wait. But he would be so excited! Tom had
spent many nights baby-sitting little Naomi Wildman--still the
only child on Voyager. He adored her, trying desperately not to
spoil her, but doing so anyway, spending dozens of rations on
little treats such as chocolate ice cream for the child. She shook
her head in amusement, thinking of what he'd do for their child.

Turning her attention back to the computer, she scrolled down the
list of names. "Audra, Audrey, Aubrey, Alexandria, Alessandra,
Amy, Allison, Anita, Amita, Anika, Ann, Annie, Andie ...Betty,
Bonnie, Billie, Belle, Becca, Becky....Claudia, Claudette,
Charlene, Camelia, Charlotte.... Dianna, Debra, Destiny.."
She broke off for a minute. "People actually name their kids
Desinty?"

Shaking her head in amazement, she continued," Elizabeth, Erin,
....Janet, Joanna,...Kimberly, Katie .....Lauren, Laura, Lesa,
Lori,....Michelle, Mysti, Nikki, Nelly,... Priya, Phyllis, Patti, ......
Robin.....Serena, Sally, Susan, Samantha..Terri, Tara,
Tammy,...Yolonda...Zoe..." she trailed off, taking a gulp of her
lemonade. She had skipped most of the names, and still her throat
was dry. Next time she wouldn't read them aloud.

Shutting it off, she decided names could wait. She was only 2
months pregnant. Heading to her sleeping quarters, she lay
down on the bed, ready for a nap. She hadn't lied to Tom and Harry,
she had been exhausted. But no matter how long she lay there,
waiting for sleep to claim her, it didn't. She was still too keyed
up over everything. Letting out an exasperated sigh, she rolled on
to her side, to start planning again.

The crew had already informed her and Tom of a party being
planned in the holodeck for their anniversary, the day after
tomorrow. Apparently, some of them felt guilty that they had all
thought the marriage wouldn't last more than two months. Either
that, or they were dying for an excuse for a party. And a
celebration for the (currently) only married couple on Voyager seemed
an extremely 'logical' reason. There she could give Tom the gift she
had originally planned--carefully saving her rations for months--
she had replicated an ID bracelet with the inscription 'To my
helmboy: the only man who managed to fly away with my heart.' And
maybe after that...she could tell him about the baby. She smiled
in anticipation. These were going to be the longest two days of her
life. And with thoughts of babies and ID bracelets floating around
her head, she finally fell asleep.


***********************************


"B'Elanna? Wake up, darling," called Tom, as he stood in front
of the closet, pulling out a uniform. "B'Elanna?" He walked to the
bed, trying to change into his uniform as he did. "B'Elanna?" he
tried again. He yanked off his pajama top, and pulled his gray
turtleneck over his head.

B'Elanna finally stirred, mumbling something incoherent under her
breath. "What?"

Tom stared at her, concerned. "Something wrong? You don't usually
sleep so late, and your shift starts in a half hour." He put on
his pants, and hopped over to the recliner where he sat down to
put on his socks and boots.

B'Elanna sat up, looking slightly startled. "A half hour? I guess
I must have been more tired than I thought." She swung her feet
over the side to stand up making a gagging motion as she did.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine." She waved his concerns away with a brush of her hand.
"Must have been something I ate last night. I guess lemonade with
a cheese sandwich and lasagna doesn't go together so well."

This time, it was Tom who looked slightly ill. "No wonder. I'll
see you at lunch today?" he asked, standing up. He had gotten into
the habit of asking every morning, even though the answer was
always yes.

"You're leaving already?" She pulled her robe on and tied it
around her waist. "Why so early?"

"Don't tell anyone," said Tom, lowering his voice," but I
heard Neelix actually made something
edible--a delicacy *without* leola, pleeka, glerkmark, or any
other disgusting spice he can think off. And if I don't get there
early, it'll be all gone! Want me to save you some?"

"No thanks," replied B'Elanna. "I'll grab something later. And
I'll meet you at lunch." She came over and gave him a kiss. "And
stop bothering Harry about how I found out where the gift was--
you'll never figure it out."

"That's what you think," grinned Tom. He wiggled his eyebrows. "I
have my ways too, you know."

"You just go ahead and try," retorted B'Elanna with a large smile.
She pushed him out the door. "Now, go,
or all the food will be gone, and Chakotay's going to yell if
you're late for your shift."

"I love you too, B'Elanna," said Tom, on his way to the door.

"And I love you--now go!" she ordered. Tom gave a mock salute with
that cocky grin of his, and headed out the door. The doors slid
shut as B'Elanna shook her head in exasperation.

"He is impossible!"


********************************************


On the Bridge, things were fairly quite when Tom Paris entered to
start his shift. Kathryn and Chakotay were talking quietly, Tuvok
was--doing whatever he did--Harry was talking softly to Erika
Johnson, who was stationed at the science console. Of course,
since they were passing through a relatively dull part of space,
there was nothing much to investigate.

"Captain, Commander," greeted Tom, as he made his way down past
the Engineering station where Susan Nikoletti was stationed.

Everyone, with the exception of Susan, who had been running scans
and Tuvok, who had been updating his security logs, looked up with
a slightly guilty look. "You were all talking about me? I'm
touched," grinned Tom, taking his post at the conn.

Harry rolled his eyes, while Kathryn, Susan, and Chakotay looked
amused. "Actually, Mr. Paris, we were talking about you--and your
wife," corrected Kathryn, straightening up in her chair.

"Really? Not any nasty rumors, I hope."

"Nasty rumors about you and Lt. Torres?" asked Erika,
skeptically. "Of course not. Everyone knows that she would--"

"Rip your heart out and eat it raw," chimed in everyone--but
Tuvok. Tom smiled. "I knew we'd get you all properly trained one
of these days."

"Mr. Paris," said Kathryn warningly. "Pay attention to your job--
otherwise, I just may have you help Mr. Neelix in the mess hall."

Tom hastily turned his attention back to the helm. "Yes ma'am!"



*****************************************


In Engineering, B'Elanna strode in, with a happy smile on her
face. Tom had been right, Neelix had run out of leola and pleeka
root, and the food had been delicious. Too bad it couldn't be like
that every day.


"Lieutenant!" said Carey, hurrying over to her. "Good thing you're
here. We just found out that two of the isolinear chips in the
console next to the Jefferies Tube entrance fused together, and
that's why the console was malfunctioning."

"Wonderful. I knew you could do something right if you put your
mind to it," joked B'Elanna.

Joe looked startled. The Chief didn't usually make jokes,
especially about Engineering. "Well, yes, right. I just thought
you'd want to know," he finished awkwardly. "I'll get a team on it
right away."

"Forget the team, I'll do it myself," said B'Elanna. "Where's my
tool kit?"

Joe passed it over to her, still puzzled. "Lieutenant, I thought
you'd want to oversee the repairs on the warp manifold--"

"I trust you," she replied. And whistling an unfamiliar tune under
her breath, she walked away, off to begin her repairs.

"I'll be damned," whispered Carey. Shaking his head in
astonishment, he returned to duty.


B'Elanna slid herself underneath the console until only her boots
were showing to the rest of Engineering. Opening up her tool kit,
she pulled out a laser welder, and aimed it at the hunk of burnt
metal on the back of the computer console. It was a simple task;
one that could have been avoided with regular maintenance at a
star base. But it did give her a chance to daydream, something a
job like re-tuning the warp manifolds wouldn't allow. And as long
as Tom kept Voyager flying smoothly, there'd be no problems at
all.

*******************************


Back on the Bridge, Harry finished his scans of the space
surrounding them. With the infinite perils they had encountered in
the Delta Quadrant, one could never be too careful. The Swarm
might come back, the Krenim, Kazon, Vidiians or Borg might show
up--what was it a Vulcan had said long ago? "There were always
possibilities". And Harry was determined not to let one of those
possibilities launch
an attack on Voyager. Even if that was more of Tuvok's job than
his.

"Nothing out of the ordinary, Captain," he reported. "At least,
nothing the sensors could pick up."

"Good work, Mr. Kim," acknowledged Kathryn, with a nod of her
head.

"Maybe for you," grumbled Tom good-naturedly," but all I get to do
is fly in a straight line. And that is not my idea of a good
time."

"If you're so bored, Mr. Paris, we could always send you down to
the Mess Hall to help Neelix cut up onions," suggested Chakotay,
the edges of his mouth turning up ever so slightly.

The helmsman grimaced at the thought. "No, thank you, Commander. I
think I'll be fine here."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow while the others chuckled over Tom's
heartfelt sentiment.

Still shaking his head in amusement, Harry glanced back down at
his station. Alarm filled his features, and his eyes widened.
"Captain, there's an increase in activity in the plasma cloud
that's almost two light--" he began.

But he never had a chance to finish his report. Voyager was hit
with a wave of the energy being emitted from the cloud, and
everyone went flying like so many poker chips.


*****************************



In Engineering, chaos erupted as Voyager was tossed around like a
rag doll in the ocean. Tools went flying and hit crew members on
the opposite side of the room. On the second floor, Joe Carey was
shoved into Ensign Lamont, who had been delivering the duty
roster. That was the only thing that saved him from falling into
the warpcore, and suffering the same fate that had claimed Mike
Jonas. Many of the crew suffered concussions as their heads made
contact with the railings or computer panels, and blood
of all colors, purple, blue, green and red began to stain the
carpet. But of all the injuries, the worst one of all
was just about to occur.


****************************


B'Elanna was reaching a critical point in her repairs. The laser
had to be held precisely, leaving not one centimeter of leeway to
go one way or the other. To the right, and she interfered with the
computer's abilities to connect with the helm console, and to the
left, she would cause major damage to Engineering's environmental
controls. Neither was a very pleasant prospect.

Pressing down on the trigger, she carefully sliced through the
twisted and scarred metal. It was almost completely cut off, when
the first jolt shook the ship. Her head slammed into the back of
the bulkhead, causing her to see stars that weren't the ones
outside. The hand holding the laser shook, threatening to tear
through the panel and cause catastrophes. And even through the
grogginess she felt, and her dimming vision, she knew she could
not let that happen. With an incredible display of agility and
strength, she pulled her hand away from the console just as the
second wave struck Voyager, tilting it to one side.

Unable to control the hand in possession of the laser, it slammed
on to her stomach, while the laser was still activated.
"NOOOOOOOO," she shrieked in agony. The tool dropped to the floor,
mercifully turning itself off. The dark blood instantly covered
her uniform, spilling out onto the carpet through the burnt hole
in her stomach and tunic.

She pressed her hands to her abdomen, instinctively trying to stop
the blood, but it was impossible. The wound had gone too deep. She
had to get to Sickbay, but couldn't. She
wasn't able to move and trying sent spasms of pain running through
her entire body.

Voyager was rocked once more, sending everyone tumbling again.
B'Elanna's head made a solid connection with something, a
bulkhead, most likely, and a sharp crack was all she heard before
she passed out.


*************************************************




On the Bridge, as in Engineering and all other parts of the ship,
the officers had gone flying off into different directions.
Kathryn and Chakotay lay in a heap by the science console. Erika
was slumped down in her chair, her grip so tight, she had managed
to avoid the same fate that had stricken her crew mates.
Unfortunately, her head was resting against the wall, blood
trickling out of her nose in a steady stream. Tuvok was
stretched across the entrance to the turbolift, his green, copper
based blood flowing from somewhere high up on his head. Harry had
tumbled over the Operations console, and was a similar position,
only he was lying by the two commanding officers. By some perverse
sense luck, Susan and Tom had collided into each other as they
flew across the room, knocking themselves out cold on the floor
between the conn and engineering stations. It was the only thing
that had saved them both from plowing into the view screen.

Tom was the first to regain consciousness. He pried
open his eyes with Herculean strength, trying to get his bearings.
His head ached as if someone was playing the drums deep inside his
skull, but he pushed himself . He had to see what had happened to
everyone else. He was a Starfleet Officer, and his first--and most
important duty was to his comrades.

Rising to his feet, he staggered over to his station, flopping
down on the chair, just before his knees buckled out from under
him. The world seemed to be spinning around him, but he managed to
focus on the panel in front of him.

Manipulating the controls, he discovered that another energy burst
was heading their way. The only way to protect themselves would be
to raise shields. However, the condition he was in suggested he
would collapse before he got halfway to the tactical station. He'd
have to find some way to wake Tuvok.

His vision went fuzzy again, but he held his head up with his
hands, filled with determination. *Think, Paris! There has to be a
way!"*

"Tuvok!" he yelled, but it came out as more of a loud whisper. The
Vulcan didn't budge a millimeter. Inspiration rearing its
wonderful head, he suddenly plucked his comm badge off his
uniform, and hurled it at Tuvok. It hit him on the shoulder,
bouncing off and landing by the railing. Tuvok
began to stir, much to the pilot's delight.

"Lieutenant, why did you throw your comm badge at me?" asked
Tuvok as he got to his feet.

"No time for small talk, Tuvok. You've have to get the shields up
*now*!"

Tuvok nodded in agreement, and slipped behind his
security/tactical board. "Shields going up...now," he
reported calmly, as if he stood there with blood dripping over his
face everyday.

Vulcan composure. Sometimes it was damned annoying, and at the
other times, it was the best blessing anyone could hope for.

Glancing up at the view screen, both officers saw a flash of
blinding white fill the screen, but Voyager didn't budge. The
shields had saved the day.

"Good going, Tuvok," said Tom, the relief evident in his voice.

"Mr. Paris, you are obviously wounded. You should be in Sickbay
getting your own wounds treated," said Tuvok, assessing the serious-
ness of the pilot's injuries with a quick once-over.

"Tuvok, Tuvok, Tuvok. We've served together for about seven years.
You know perfectly well that I will not rest until I know everyone
else is fine. So there's no point in arguing." He retrieved the
emergency med kit, and knelt by Susan. "And that's final."


********************************



B'Elanna didn't know where she was or how she had gotten there.
The last time she had gotten a glimpse of her surroundings, she'd been
in Engineering, barely holding herself together. Literally. But
now...now the pain was gone, and she was standing in a corridor,
one lined with doors to crew quarters.

"What's going on?" she demanded. A haze of red, blood red,
filled her vision, covering her hands, her face, and her entire
body. *The blood, so much blood* she thought wildly. But the blood
vanished almost as soon as it had come.

"Where am I?" There was no answer. The hallway was silent,
unnaturally so. With a 140 plus crew members, one of them was bound to
be passing through. But not one was there.

"Hello?" she called again. A sudden sound up ahead startled her,
and she moved forward. "Who's there?" The sound came again, and
this time she could identify it. It was a baby's squeals of joy.

"My baby? Where are you?" she asked, eager to see her child.
Everything would be fine once she held the child in her arms. She
knew it would be. It had to be.

The baby laughter stopped as suddenly as it had started. "Mommy!"
cried the child's voice, filled with agony. "Mother!!"

"I'm coming, darling. I'm coming. I'll protect you, I promise,"
she called frantically. "Mommy's coming."

"SoS!" shrieked the child in Klingoneese. "SoS, help me, please. I
need you." The voice was frantic, the fright obvious in its
speech. "Maman! Moogie!! Mutter!!" begged the baby. "I need you,
you have to help me. Please!"

B'Elanna raced down the corridor, her eyes wide with fear. "I'm
coming! I'll save you, I promise, I won't let you get hurt, I
promise, just hang on!!"

The child's voice just became more panic stricken. "NO! Faster!!
Ima!! Save me! Please, you have to. Oka-san, hurry, I can't hang
on much longer!!"

But the faster B'Elanna moved, the farther away the voice sounded.
"Madre! Mitera! Mater! Amma, help me!! Save me!" came the pleas,
but she was powerless to help. The
cries of mother in various languages kept growing fainter and
fainter, but B'Elanna kept running. She had to save her baby. It
was the only way. The only way to what? she asked herself. She
didn't know. But she had to save the baby. And just like that, the
cries vanished, and B'Elanna ran headfirst into her husband.

"Tom! You must help me! We have to find the baby! Our
baby!" she shrieked.

Tom stood there as if he was made from stone.

"Didn't you understand me? Our child is hurt! We have to go save
it! Come on," she bellowed, staring at Tom uncomprehendingly.

His icy-blue eyes locked onto her with a deadly look. "It's too
late. You let it die."

His words sent B'Elanna recoiling in horror. "No, no, that can't
be it...no, no," she stammered. "It couldn't have died..I'm its
mother...I would--would have protected it, it's my flesh and
blood--I--"

"You didn't do a good enough job," accused Tom. "You let your--you
let *our* child die. All because you wanted to protect your
engines. To protect machinery, you sacrificed the life of our
child." He stared at her mercilessly. "How could you do
this?"

"I didn't mean too...no, Tom, I would never..." B'Elanna felt her
heart constricting, and forced herself to take deep breaths. "I
love our child, I would never-"

"Look at this!" he ordered, and pulled something out from behind
his back, and cradled it in his arms.

It was a child, swaddled in yellow blankets, with dark skin and
brow ridges. Ridges just like hers, and blue eyes, just like
Tom's. Eyes that were staring up, unseeingly.
Because it was dead. Dead because she had killed it. Because she
had--

"I would have been better off not knowing," said Tom, coldly.
"Look at the pain you've caused. Look at what you've done."

*I would have been better off not knowing...I would have been
better off not knowing...you killed it...* his
mocking voice echoed in her mind she turned away from her
husband and child in pain. *I would have been better off....you
sacrificed the life of our child...how could you?.....*

And that was when B'Elanna woke up to find the Doctor staring down
at her.


*************


It took a moment for B'Elanna to get her bearings. "Doctor?" she
said, still slightly dazed. "What happened?"

"You suffered a serious stomach wound while doing repairs in
Engineering," he explained. "Lt. Carey found you, and got you to
Sickbay for treatment." He bowed his head, but not before she
caught the glimpse of sympathy reflected in his eyes. "The laser
cut rather deep and wide, and there was nothing I could do."

"What...what do you mean there was *nothing* you could do?"
demanded B'Elanna, her voice a low whisper. No, it couldn't be
true. It was just a dream, a nightmare. A
hallucination...it wasn't possible...

"I'm sorry, B'Elanna." His eyes met hers. "There was nothing I
could do. You lost your baby."

His words hit B'Elanna like a ton of duranium plated bricks, and
she scrambled to sit up on the biobed. "Tom...where's Tom?"

"He hasn't been in here yet. I was just about to contact him, to
tell him the news."

"*NO!" she said fiercely. "You can't tell him about it. You
*can't*."

"Lieutenant, he was the father, and he *is* your husband. He
deserves to know!"

"Don't you understand?" she demanded. "I never had a chance to
tell him. He doesn't even know that I was pregnant. If he knew, he
would just be guilty and grief stricken over a child he knew
nothing about . If he doesn't know, it won't hurt him." An image
of Tom staring at her angrily, holding their baby pushed to the
front of her mind. *I would have been better off not
knowing...look at the pain you've caused me...*

"He doesn't have to know," she repeated, trying to convince
herself.

"Lieutenant, I am programmed with enough psychological knowledge
to know that you cannot go on pretending as if you haven't
miscarried. You have to deal with your loss. You seem to think
telling your husband would just make the loss more real. That if
nobody else knows about it, you could pretend as if it never
happened. You can't do that. You can try to push it away, but it
will resurface, and your going to have to deal with it," insisted
the Doctor.

B'Elanna contemplated his words. She glanced around the rest of
Sickbay, taking in the sight of all the other injured crew
members, looking everywhere but at him. She watched as Ensign
Parsons helped a limping Larson on to the biobed. She watched as
Ayala helped Lieutenant Morgan onto the biobed across from her,
and inject her with a hypo-spray. She finally turned her attention
back to the EMH.

"No," she said softly. "He can't know. I won't hurt him like that.
And right now, you're going to invoke patient/doctor
confidentiality. No one can know. No one will know. And unless
Captain Janeway or Chakotay gives you a direct order, you won't
tell anyone. Especially Tom."

The Doctor was about to protest when the Sickbay doors slid open,
admitting a frantic Tom Paris. "B'Elanna!" He hurried over to her
side. "Joe Carey told me you'd been taken to Sickbay ,and I was
worried. What happened?"

"It was just a minor injury, nothing to concern yourself about.
I'm just fine," said B'Elanna, plastering on a fake smile.

"It certainly was *not* a minor one," snorted the Doctor in
indignation. "It was a quite a major one, in fact she lost a lot
of blood and--" he broke off when he saw Torres' face, her eyes
pleading with him not to say
anything. "But, being the excellent doctor I am, I fixed up your
wife once again, Mr. Paris," he finished. "But I
recommend that she take a day off to recuperate." If he couldn't
convince her to tell anyone, the least he could do was to make
sure she got enough rest. He was her doctor.

"Forget it. I'm fine, I don't need any rest. I can go right back
to work." B'Elanna slid off the bed and stood up.

A second later, her stomach seemed to turn inside out, and
she braced herself against the bed.

"You are not fine," contradicted Tom. "You, Lieutenant, are going
to go straight back to our quarters and lie down." He wrapped an
arm around her waist, and led her toward the
door.

B'Elanna followed her husband, not having any choice in the
matter. "You'll remember what we discussed, won't you, Doctor?"
she asked as she neared the doors.

"Of course," he answered. "But--"

"Just remember it," she said. "Please." And she walked out the
door, leaving the Doctor to tend to his other patients.


************************************



Tom pulled the covers up over his wife, and smiled down at her
scowling face. "Now, you *are* going to get some rest," he said
firmly.

"I can't go to sleep! I'm not tired," she argued, crossing her
arms.

"Doctor's orders, B'Elanna. And you know how cranky he gets when
his orders aren't followed to the letter. And this time I agree
with him, you are going to sleep. Engineering can along with out
you, I promise."
"I'm the chief engineer, I should be over seeing repairs," she
insisted.

"You know, sometimes I think that you care more about your engines
than you do about other living breathing beings," joked Tom,
expecting her to smile.

She did the complete opposite of smiling. Her face went pale and
her brown eyes widened. "No! Of course I care more about people
than I do about engineering, you have to know that--"

"I was kidding, B'Elanna," reassured Tom, surprised at the
intensity of her reaction. "I know. Now, stop stalling and get
some sleep."

Surprisingly quiet, she turned over, hands crossed over her
stomach, a pained look on her face. "All right.
Goodnight, Tom." She closed her eyes, but the look remained etched
on her features.

He leaned down, kissing her gently, and then went to the other
room and flopped down on the sofa. Massaging his forehead, which
had been treated for a mild concussion by Tuvok, he buried his
head in his hands. The person he cared about more than life itself
had been injured, all because he
hadn't been paying attention. If he hadn't been cracking jokes
with Susan, he would have seen the shock wave coming, and would
have been able to get Voyager out of the way. But
no. And everyone on Voyager had suffered because of his
incompetence. And he was going to live with that for the rest of
his life. But, at least no one was dead. That was the only bright
spot in the whole disaster, that he hadn't gotten anyone killed
like he had at Caldik Prime. And that was the only thing that even
remotely soothed his guilty conscience.


************************************


Almost two hours later, Kathryn Janeway sat in her ready room
going over the status reports with Chakotay.

"It doesn't look like there was much damage done to the ship
itself," commented Chakotay, scanning a data padd. "A few minor
repairs are all that need to be done. Apparently...whatever we got
hit with was some kind of buildup of energy in that plasma cloud,
and all it did was buffet us around."

"Agreed. More damage seems to have been done to the crew." Kathryn
picked up the report from The Doctor. "No fatalities, but almost
everyone suffered a concussion, 50% of the crew had broken bones,
and everybody had various abrasions and lacerations. The worst
injury was to B'Elanna."

Chakotay looked up with concern. "B'Elanna? What happened?"

"She was performing repairs to a malfunctioning console, when it
hit, and she lost control of the laser welder, and it cut her."
Kathryn paused in the middle of reading. "That's odd."

"What?"

"It's not anything that's written down, per se...but I've been
reading the Doctor's reports for seven years, and there's
something different about this one. Usually, he's so thorough, he
adds every scrape a crew member incurs in his reports. But this
time, it's as if he left something out. I don't know, maybe I'm
just seeing things. I think the lack of coffee is getting to me,"
sighed Kathryn, gazing longingly at the replicator.

Chakotay smiled in sympathy. "I'd give you one of my rations,
Kathryn, but I used them all. There's always Neelix's better than
coffee substitute, of course."

She grimaced in response. "He should rename that 'better than tar
substitute'. But you are not to tell
*anyone* that I said that," ordered Kathryn. "I have a reputation
to maintain, even if it means drinking that goo with a smile on my
face. I am the Captain, after all."

"That is why there will never be a Maquis mutiny," declared
Chakotay. "I have no desire to become Captain if I have to drink
that glop and eat Neelix's food just to set an example for the
rest of the crew. I'd become too tempted to let everyone have
unlimited replicator rations."

Kathryn laughed. "You have no idea how many times I wished I could
do the same thing." She let out another sigh, and stood up. "Might
as well get it over with, however. I can't put off eating much
longer."

"I heard that Neelix ran out of pleeka and leola," offered
Chakotay. As Kathryn's face brightened, he
added "However, not the stuff he uses in his coffee substitute."

Her face fell, but she put on a facade of solemn resolve. "I've
faced Kazon, Klingons, Romulans, Viidians, Borg, Species 8472, and
Cardassians, I should be able to face Neelix's cooking!"



****************



A briefing was scheduled for the next day at 0700; all of the
senior staff were seated by the time B'Elanna and Tom arrived.
Everyone looked startled at her sudden appearance.

"Lt. Torres, you are supposed to be resting," said the Doctor, the
irritation evident in his voice. "Once again, another one of the
crew had disobeyed my specific order for their speedy recovery.
How I'm supposed to treat all of you when you continually-"

"That's enough, Doctor," said Kathryn, stopping his tirade. She
fixed a steely-eyed gaze on the engineer as she took her usual
seat. "But he does have a valid point. What are you doing here?"

"I'm a member of the senior staff, and this is a briefing for
them. I thought it was," she shot an amused
look at Tuvok," only logical that I should attend."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow.

"I tried to stop her, Captain, but you know how stubborn she can
be," explained Tom, resting his head against the back of the
chair.

"Yes, I do. I'll allow you to stay for the briefing, Lieutenant,
but after that, you're going to follow the Doctor's orders to the
letter, and go back to your quarters to get some rest. Is that
understood?" Kathryn raised her eyebrows, looking amazingly
Vulcan-like.

"Understood, Captain," agreed B'Elanna.

"Now, back to the briefing. Doctor, what does Medical," she let a
wry smile cross her lips, for the Doctor was the entire medical
staff, "Have to report on the condition of Voyager?"

"All crew members have been treated, and all is well once more,"
began the Doctor. "However, if all of
them are like Lieutenant Torres, who knows how long that will
last."

"Good." Kathryn nodded in approval, choosing to ignore his dig at
Torres. "I already received Carey's report from Engineering and
the heads of all the other departments. Everything is back up to
specs. We still haven't managed to completely analyze why there
was such a buildup of energy in the cloud, but astrophysics is
working on it. Is that all?"

"Actually, Captain," started Neelix," As the morale officer, I've
noticed that there has been a very noticeable decrease in smiles
and laughter lately. That's why I was thinking that we should go
ahead with the Lieutenants' anniversary party."

"What?" asked B'Elanna and Tom in unison.

"You can't be serious, Neelix," said Tom. "That's nice and all,
but we have work to do."

"Actually, I think that would be a good idea," interjected
Kathryn. "The crew has been uptight lately, and the recent events
haven't changed that. A party, one that has already been planned,
would be a stress reliever. So, it will go on, as scheduled,
tonight, on Holodeck 1. And no protest, Lieutenants. It's been
settled."

B'Elanna and Tom closed their open mouths, and nodded in
acquiescence.


************************************************


B'Elanna stood in front of the mirror, and smoothed down the
front of her red dress. She'd searched through dozens of
replicator patterns before finding the right one, and right it
was. It fell straight down and reached to a point just above her
knees, showing off her legs. Thin spaghetti straps adorned her
shoulders, and it was sleeveless, letting everyone with eyes see
her finely toned arms. It was rather formfitting, clinging to her
curves, but not too tightly. The front dipped down just enough to
reveal a bit of cleavage, respectable but provocative. All in all,
it was a beautiful dress.

She bent down to wipe off some imaginary lint, but in her mind's
eye, she saw something completely different. Blood was all over
her, so much blood, it had to stop, the pain, no and the baby..
*Make it stop, make it stop* she thought wildly.

She blinked her eyes and all she saw was the silky cloth of her
dress. *I must be dreaming* she told herself, pushing the image to
the far recesses of her mind.

She opened the small jewelry box, and pulled out a slender chain.
It was an elegant one, a silver chain, with a small diamond
pendant hanging down from it. Captain Janeway had given it to her
just before she got married, and she treasured it just as much as
she did her engagement ring.

Tom came up behind her, and straightened his bow tie in the
mirror. He had chosen to forego the traditional Starfleet dress
uniform, which he insisted sadists had designed for torture.
Instead, he had decided to wear the traditional tuxedo from Earth.

"I don't look too much like a penguin, do I?" he asked
distractedly, as he tugged at the bow tie once more.

"No, of course not. The penguins look much more comfortable than
you do," teased B'Elanna. Placing the necklace back in the box,
she reached up and adjusted his bow tie. "There. That should be
better."

He smiled approvingly at his reflection and his wife. "It most
certainly is." Catching her hands before the disentangled
themselves from his collar, he wrapped her up in his arms, and
placed his lips on hers.

She returned the kiss hungrily, but pulled away a few moments
later. "I've got to finish getting dressed."

Tom pretended to pout, and B'Elanna laughed. "All right, you can
help me."

"Good. What do I get to do...perhaps zip you up?" he asked,
wiggling his eyebrows.

"You'd zip it down not up. No, just help me put the necklace on,"
she instructed, handing the chain to him.

He encircled it around her neck, and affixed the clasp. "There,
all done," he announced. Taking a few steps back, he examined his
wife and let out a low whistle. "Do you have any idea on how
absolutely breathtaking you look? You're killing me with your good
looks."

She took in a sharp breath, and looked at him angrily. "Don't
*ever* say that. I'm not a murderer!" she shrieked.

The helmsman took another step back. "B'Elanna, I was kidding. Is
something wrong?" he asked, looking at her, concerned.

"No, no, of course not," she replied a bit too quickly. "I'm
fine...I'm sorry I over reacted. I must be more tense than I
thought. Really," she added at his unconvinced look. "We'd better
go, everyone is probably wondering where we are."

"Right," agreed Tom uncertainly and followed her out the door.



*******************************


Tom interlaced his fingers with his wife's as they rode in the
turbolift. She smiled at him, but then turned
away with a pensive look on her face.

He wasn't sure what was going on. She'd been acting fairly
peculiar for a while, ever since the accident. He'd catch her
drifting off, but she insisted she was just thinking about their
anniversary or something like that.

He'd catch her staring at him intensely with a strange look---a
mixture of fear and sadness, unable to tell which was more
powerful. She'd laugh it off, come up and hug him as if she needed
reassuring that he was still there for her.

Or, as she had only moments before, she'd overreact to the most
innocent of remarks, and then make an excuse and pretend
everything was normal.

And the most unusual thing of all, she hadn't mentioned a word about
Engineering. Sure, she had come to the briefing, but after that,
not a single word about it. No death threats placed on Carey's
head if he destroyed her engines, no pacing around saying that she
should be overseeing repairs.

He didn't understand, but then again, there were a lot of things
that he didn't understand--or want to understand about his wife.
It was the unpredictability of their marriage that kept them
together. But still....it was damned peculiar behavior. But their
relationship was built on trust and openness, and if something was
wrong, she'd be sure to tell him.


**************************


When Harry Kim walked into Holodeck 1, he was astounded. He didn't
know what he'd been expecting, but certainly nothing, absolutely
nothing remotely like the extravagant setting he was seeing. It
was large ball room that seemed to seemed to stretch to infinity,
which was impossible because
of the limitations of the holodeck.

He was suddenly glad he'd taken Neelix's advice, and worn a tux
instead of the Starfleet dress uniform. Somehow, it would have
been too--he didn't know exactly, but it wouldn't have blended in
with the decor, that was for sure.

Almost everyone was there already, a bright assortment of people
wearing all sorts of colorful clothes, Earth traditional, modern,
Bajoran, Betazoid, any sort of formal garb was accepted.

"I had no idea Neelix would go all out for this," he commented to
his date, who was no other than Erika Johnson.

"Somehow, I feel underdressed," said Erika, examining everyone
else's attire.

"Don't be ridiculous," admonished the young man. He
lips curved upward as he took in her sparkling light blue, floor
length gown. "You look smashing."

"You silver-tongued devil," teased Erika. "You'd say that if I
were wearing a burlap sack." Moving over to a small table set up
in the corner, she deposited the brightly colored box she'd be
carrying, and Harry did the same with his packages ,wrapping an
arm around her waist.

"Come on, let's go mingle," he suggested, and the blond haired
woman nodded in agreement.

They had hardly budged when Joe Carey came over with a friendly
smile of his face. "Hi, Harry, Erika." He raised an eyebrow at
Erika. "You look very enchanting Ensign Johnson." He suavely
reached over and kissed the back of her wrist.

Erika blushed, and Harry mock scowled. "She's here with me, Joe,"
he said pointedly, a smile crossing his face. He knew Joe didn't
mean anything by it. Joe was dating Gigi Luong, an ensign in
astrophysics, who had a great sense of humor--but when she got
upset, her temper rivaled that of B'Elanna's. Torres had once
joked that perhaps Gigi was out to steal her title as the Queen of
all temper tantrums.

"Harry, do you mind if I talk to you...*alone*?"

Erika pretended to look insulted. "I can tell when I'm not
wanted." Her face softened and she grinned. "But I'll leave you
two boys alone. I sense something very juicy brewing up ahead."
She nodded to where Gigi, Janine Lamont, Janaki Paraluz, Jenny,
and her sister Megan Delaney were talking by the punch table. They
were giggling and each of them looked like the cat that had
swallowed the canary.

Joe waited until she was out of earshot to turn to Harry.
"Harry...have you noticed anything peculiar about Lieutenant
Torres?"

"What? B'Elanna....actually, I haven't seen her all day, I was
helping out with a few of the minor repairs, and then I had to get
ready. Why, is there something wrong?" Harry looked disturbed;
B'Elanna was his best friend, and if anything was wrong with her,
he wanted to know. He felt bad enough he hadn't had a chance to go
see her after he'd found out about her mishap (to put it mildly)
with the laser.

"I don't know, that's the problem." Joe heaved a sigh. "I went to
go see her this afternoon, to give her an update on the status of
Engineering. She was always complaining that she was left in the
dark if she wasn't actually on duty, so I figured I'd go tell her
myself."

"Sounds reasonable," agreed Harry. "What happened after that?"

"I started to tell her, but she just told me that she didn't want
to hear it, and that she trusted me to take care of things. And
then when I mentioned that she was usually so protective about her
engines, jokingly of course, she just..." Joe struggled to find
the right words. "Seemed so insulted that I'd think she'd be that
protective over something that was just a machine. And she lashed
out at me--but then, just like that she calmed down, she
apologized, and then shoved me out of her quarters. Now, I know
the
lieutenant and I were never particularly close, especially after
that nose breaking incident, but that was just about the strangest
conversation I'd ever had with her."

Harry's brow furrowed, as he tried to picture the scene in his
head. Somehow, he couldn't. "You're right, that doesn't sound like
her at all. How about this, I'll talk to her later tonight, all
right?"

"That would be great," said Joe, gratefully. "I know the Chief is
temperamental at times--but this time, she seemed to be on edge
even more that usual. Thanks, Harry." Clapping the man on the
back, he strode off to find Gigi.

Harry stood alone, still puzzling over the mystery. Whatever it
was that was bothering B'Elanna, he was sure he could talk it out
of her.



************************************


Neither Tom nor B'Elanna were prepared for the loud and
spontaneous clapping that greeted them the moment the massive
Holodeck doors slid open and they stepped through. Both looked
embarrassed at all the attention.

Neelix came up and embraced them in a suffocating hold for a few
moments. "Congratulations on making it through your first year of
wedded bliss!" he said jubilantly. His eyes flashed with
excitement, and he reached out to hug them again, but they side
stepped his outstretched arms.

"Neelix, this is wonderful," said B'Elanna in awe. "All
this...this is wonderful." Tom noted the smile on her face and
glad to see that she was coming back to her normal self. Maybe it
was just some sort of woman thing she'd been going through, or the
trauma of such a serious wound--which wasn't likely, but possible.

"Thank you, Neelix. Really, this is great," said Tom, smiling at
his orange haired friend.

"Actually, the ball room setting was suggested by someone else."
The Talaxian nodded to the small figure making her way across the
room. The flaxen haired child promptly ran right to Tom and
wrapped her arms around his legs.

"Uncle Tom!" shrieked Naomi Wildman in glee. "I thought you'd
never get here!!"

"Hello, sweetie," laughed Tom, reaching down to pick her up. He
swung her up into his arms. "And what did you do for this party?"

"Aunt B'Elanna," said Naomi as if suddenly realizing she was
standing there. "I made something for you and Uncle Tom. I'll go
get it." She jumped out the pilot's arms and ran past the startled
engineer and morale officer, practically skipping in delight.

"She's got to be the most adorable child I've ever met," decided
Tom. "Every time I see her, I feel like spoiling her with little
gifts. I can't wait 'til we have our own kids, don't you agree,
B'Elanna?"

"You know what Samantha said about spoiling her with all those
presents," chastised B'Elanna, her mouth on auto pilot, for her
mind was reeling once again. Tom's comment on children had made
her uncomfortable, to say the least. This was supposed to be the
happiest nights of their lives as
they celebrated the day of their marriage. The night where she
would have finally told Tom about being pregnant. But she didn't
have anything to tell him now except that she had lost a child--
miscarried it. An ugly term, which implied that she'd been
carrying a fragile package and had accidentally dropped it, when
the reality of it was much more harsh and ugly.

But he would never know. He could never be told for the shock
would crush him. And she couldn't and wouldn't do that for the man
she loved. She was strong, she'd be able to bear the pain and
anguish. She had too. There was simply no other choice.

"B'Elanna?"

B'Elanna snapped back to attention. "What?"

"You spaced out for a moment there." Tom had
that concerned look back up on his face, and she mentally scolded
herself. She had to stop acting so strange or someone might
suspect that not everything was as it seemed.

"No, I'm sorry. I was just--thinking of the present I got you,"
she lied.

"Speaking of presents, here's Naomi with her's." Neelix stepped
aside before the five year old crashed into his legs in her
eagerness to get to the couple.

Naomi handed a box over. It was wrapped in gold paper with
matching bow adorning the top of it. "Go ahead and open it!" she
said eagerly.

As everyone on the holodeck watched, Tom carefully removed the
wrapping, opened the lid and pulled out three picture frames, all
interlinked with one another. Tom's picture was on the frame to
the right, while B'Elanna's was on the left. The middle one was
empty, with only a sheet of white in it.

"This is beautiful Naomi," said Tom. "But why is the one in the
middle empty?"

"So when you have a baby, you can put its picture in it,"
explained the little girl, looking pleased with herself.

The crowd burst into another round of applause. B'Elanna bent down
to Naomi's level, and put her arms around her. "That was really
very thoughtful of you," she choked out. Acting as if something
had gotten in her eye, she wiped the corners of her eye, and got
back to her feet. It seemed as if everyone was determined to bring
up the subject of children. And she was just going to have to grin
and bear it as if nothing was wrong.



************************************


The rest of the evening was spent chatting and accepting
everyone's gifts and hugs. It was fun, but as two hours went by,
B'Elanna began to feel a bit exhausted, and Tom looked like just
as fatigued.

Eventually, they gracefully manage to extract themselves from the
crowd, grab some food from the buffet table, and take a seat at a
secluded table in the corner.

"I haven't felt so tired in ages," she sighed.

Tom smiled at her sympathetically. "I guess being in the lime
light isn't everyone's idea of a great time."

"No, don't get me wrong. It's wonderful," she said quickly. "And I
love being here, but it's just so exhausting." She dug her spoon
into her ice cream, and started eating. "Mmm, this is wonderful.
This is the most exquisite chocolate ice cream I've ever tasted,"
she complimented, closing her eyes to savor the taste. They popped
back open after several moments. "You don't think Neelix made this
himself, do you?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure. Remember the last time he made this? It was
for our wedding."

B'Elanna licked the ice cream off the spoon. "That day was
probably the happiest day of my life."

"It was mine too," agreed Tom. As his eyes met hers, they both
leaned forward until their lips met in the middle in a kiss.
B'Elanna's hand snaked up to touch his cheek, and his hand trailed
down her slightly protruding backbone, sending chills through her.
They were lost in the pleasant sensations of physical pleasure,
when a small flash broke them apart.

A sheepish looking Becca Schneider stood there holding a holo-cam
in one hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I was
designated the official photographer, and a scene with you two
kissing would have made a great picture."

"For what, to blackmail us with?" joked Tom, resting an arm
against B'Elanna's shoulders.

Becca turned an even brighter red. "I really am sorry, but--"

"It's all right," dismissed B'Elanna. "Ever since we started
dating we almost expect to have something interrupt us."

Becca laughed, and the color in her cheeks dimmed a bit. When
Torres had first become the chief engineer, and for quite a few
years after that, most people thought of her as an unrelenting,
cold taskmaster. But after all these years, that reputation had
dissolved, along with the Delaney sisters' rep as being brainless
bimbos, as everyone got to know each other better, and B'Elanna's
sense of humor had emerged. Either that, or spending all that time
with Paris had had a positive effect on her.

Becca opened her mouth to ask if they wanted a copy of the picture
when a booming voice interrupted from the other end of the ball
room.

"Attention, please, ladies and gentlemen," announced Ensign Lauren
Lerner, a young woman who had just recently volunteered to be a
nurse in training. She was in charge of all the entertainment, for
not even Neelix could do all these things by himself. The
spotlight was on her, highlighting her brown hair which was pinned
up, and the blue of her dress accented the color of her eyes. She
smiled happily as she continued," It's time for the spotlight
dance."

B'Elanna barely had a chance to whisper to her husband," What's a
spotlight dance?" when the bright light focused in on them. Becca
hurried out of the way, and stood in the corner watching.

"And the dance is of course, for the whole reason of this
marvelous celebration, the first married couple on Voyager,
Lieutenants' Torres and Paris! Step on up!" Lauren's eyes were
aglow with anticipation--and could it be? She seemed to revel in
having embarrassed the two. *No, that
had to be my imagination* decided Tom. Lauren was one of their
good friends, she wasn't going to take some perverse pleasure in
tormenting them....would she? Pushing the thought to the back of
his mind, he pulled B'Elanna to her feet.

"You know I can't dance," she hissed as they made their way to the
middle of the room. Dumb human traditions, she thought to herself.

"You'll do fine," soothed Tom.

The lights dimmed, and the only light was the one focused on the
lieutenants. From somewhere in the midst of the darkness came
Lauren's voice. "This one is an oldie but goodie, folks. From one
of the popular singers in the twenty first--no, late twentieth
century," she corrected," It's 'Falling Into You'."

The music began to play, and Tom took B'Elanna in his arms, both
arms around his waist, her arms around his neck. They moved to the
rhythm, and she began to relax. Resting her head against his
shoulder, she closed her eyes and listened to the lyrics.


And in your eyes I see ribbons of color

I see us inside of each other

I feel my unconscious merge with yours

And I hear a voice say, "What's his is hers"

I'm falling into you

This dream could come true

And it feels so good falling into you

I was afraid to let you in here

Now I have learned love can't be made in fear

The walls begin to tumble down

And I can't even see the ground

I'm falling into you

This dream could come true

And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star

Finding a belief, falling where you are

Catch me, don't let me drop!

Love me, don't ever stop!

So close your eyes and let me kiss you

And while you sleep I will miss you

I'm falling into you

This dream could come true

And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star

Finding a belief, falling where you are

Falling into you




"You know, I'm really glad I fell into your arms," murmured
B'Elanna. She lifted her head up, and smiled into her eyes.
For the moment, everything was bliss. She didn't have to
think about the baby, engineering, or any other concern. She
was in the arms of the man she loved, and it was heaven. "I
love you so much."

"I love you too," he whispered into her hair. And they
danced on, enjoying the brief moment of serenity in their
chaotic lives.

The music ended, too soon in both their opinions, and
the lights came back on, revealing the smiling faces of
everyone in the room. Apparently, they were all romantics
deep down.

"Since we have the spotlight anyway," announced Tom," I
think I'd like to give my beautiful bride her present."
Beaming, he clapped his hands, and called out," Harry, if
you'd be so kind."

The ensign materialized next to the
couple, and placed small packages in each of their hands. "I
exchanged each of your gifts for you," explained Harry. "Now
you get to open them."

"I don't know," began B'Elanna hesitantly.

"Now, don't tell me you're chicken," teased Tom.

B'Elanna sent a mock ferocious glare in his direction.
"I don't think so. But you get to go first."

He rattled the small box near his ear. "What could it
be, what could it be?" Carefully prying open the lid, he
lifted a small strand of latinum. An ID bracelet. 'To my
favorite Helmboy: the man who managed to fly away with my
heart.' " he read aloud. "And I'm never going to give it
back either," he promised, his eyes twinkling, and full of
love.

B'Elanna fastened it around his wrist, and hugged him.
"You'd better not," she admonished, her own eyes glowing.
She pulled away, and jiggled her own present. "What could it
be, what could it be?" she said aloud, mocking Tom.

"Hurry up and open it," begged Tom with a little boy's
look of anticipation on his face.

She opened the lid, and pulled out a small pin, set
with rubies in the shape of the key. "This is
beautiful...but what is it a key to?" She held up it up
toward the light and the gems glistened.

"Two things. The first thing it is, is the key you hold
to my heart," he said, and a chorus of "aaaaaawwwwwww's"
came from the crowd. Pausing for it to die down, he
continued," and the second thing it's the key to, is
hopefully the nursery we'll be able to add to our quarters."

Another chorus of cries emerged from the crowd. "Does
this mean what we think it does?" demanded Lieutenant Katy
Chiang.

"Not unless that's another surprise B'Elanna was
planning on springing on me," joked Tom. "But that would
have been wonderful, right B'Elanna?"

"Absolutely wonderful," agreed B'Elanna looking pale.
Her vision became blurred, and her lower lip started to
tremble. "Absolutely wonderful," she repeated, and the tears began
to fall in a steady stream. She buried her face in her husband's
shoulder, and in front of almost the entire crew of Voyager, she
broke down and cried for the first time in years.

The room was so silent, one could have literally heard a pin drop.
The only sound was B'Elanna Torres' heart wrenching sobs.

"B'Elanna, what's wrong? Is it something I did, what happened?"
Tom looked almost as distraught as his wife. "B'Elanna, please,"
he begged. "Tell me what's wrong."

B'Elanna didn't move, the tears kept pouring down her face as she
leaned against Tom, her tears soaking the jacket of his tuxedo.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she kept
mumbling in between sobs.

The Doctor pushed his way to the middle of the room, and began
examining the upset lieutenant. "She's having a panic attack," he
reported. "Too much stress. I have to get her to Sickbay."
Slapping his comm badge, he ordered," Two to beam directly to
Sickbay."

A shimmer filled the air, and the two figures vanished, leaving a
roomful of astonished party goers and Tom Paris.

*******************


In Sickbay, Torres' body shook with sobs. "I didn't mean it, I
promise. I didn't want it to die, I didn't, I'm sorry, Tom,
honestly," she cried out.

The Doctor injected her with a tranquilizer, and her body fell
limp, the words," I didn't kill our baby, honest," being the last
ones she murmured.

The EMH sighed, and looked down upon the form of the engineer. Had
he failed in his duty as a doctor? He had taken an oath, to do no
harm, but hadn't he caused harm when he had promised not to inform
anyone of her miscarriage? But wasn't he just following the
dictates of doctor/patient confidentiality? He had been doing his
duty. Then why had the Lieutenant collapsed in the middle of a
party? Shaking his
head, he dismissed his thoughts. That didn't solve the current
dilemma. Keeping the miscarriage a secret hadn't helped B'Elanna
Torres in the least, and that left him the problem of what to do
now.

A sudden sparkle appeared in front of him, and a concerned Lauren
Lerner materialized. "How is she, Doctor?"

"Ensign! What are you doing here?"

"I'm your assistant, remember," said Lauren, dryly. "My job is to
help you in Sickbay with your patients."

"Yes, Ensign, but there was no need for you to beam yourself in. I
can handle this situation on my own. It is a matter of
confidentiality between myself and the patient."

Lauren's blue eyes widened. "Wait a minute. You said that it was
too much stress, what's so confidential about that? You can tell
me, Doctor, I'm her friend. I have a right to know."

Had the Doctor been human, he might have thought to himself how
ironic it was that he was now in the position B'Elanna had been in
the last time she had been in Sickbay. And Lauren was playing his
part, not quite the same, but close enough. He had been the one
insisting that Tom had a right to know. And now Lauren was saying
*she* had a right to know. But he wasn't human, he was just a
hologram, so those thoughts never occurred to him at all.

"I'm afraid it isn't quite that simple, Ensign. Those were
Lieutenant Torres's wishes, and they will be followed," he
answered in a voice that left no room for argument.

"What can I do, Doctor?"

"I want you to make sure nobody gets into Sickbay," ordered the
Doctor." By my calculations, Mr. Paris should be here in several
moments."

"Yes, sir," agreed Lauren, still puzzled, but as a trained
officer, she knew when to keep her mouth shut. She exited, and
waited outside the doors. As predicted, a frantic looking Tom
Paris appeared seconds later. He tried to get past her, but Lauren
kept moving to block him.

"Lauren! What the hell do you think you're doing?" he demanded.
"Let me inside!"

"I'm sorry, Tom. Doctor's orders. No one's to come in or out
unless it's a medical emergency."

"Can you at least tell me what happened?" he pleaded, leaning
against the wall opposite Lauren.

"She's physically fine, that's all I can tell you."

"Well, I'm going to wait out here, no matter *how* long it takes,"
said Tom. He was going to find out what was wrong with his wife,
and that was that.

Two minutes later, Harry Kim came running through the corridor, so
fast he almost
overshot his mark. "Tom," he heaved, panting for breath. "What
happened? Why are you sitting out here?"

"The Doctor won't allow anyone in." He nodded toward Lauren. "But
she said B'Elanna was physically fine."

"Physically...then there's something wrong with her mentally,"
surmised Harry.

"We don't know yet," said Lerner, looking impatient. She shot an
angry look at the door. "I can't believe he won't let me inside."

"Tom...has B'Elanna been acting strange around you?" Harry asked
suddenly.

The helmsman look startled, and Lauren's attention immediately
switched to them. "Actually, yes. Why do you want to know?"

"Joe Carey came up to me before you and B'Elanna arrived in the
holodeck, and told how odd B'Elanna was acting, that she actually
trusted Joe to do his job, no threats on his life, and when he
started explaining what was going on, she kicked him out of your
quarters." Harry's face was grave. "And that's not like her at
all."

"I don't understand it either," agreed Tom. "What struck me as
really peculiar is that she woke up screaming from a nightmare
last night. And she seemed so disturbed," he began, letting his
mind drift back............


**************************


He had been sound asleep, B'Elanna curled up in his arms as she
was every night. He was dreaming of eating a nice giant bowl of
chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, with
tons of hot fudge when a series of shrieks made him bolt upright.

"NNNOOOO!! Don't go," shouted B'Elanna, thrashing around the bed,
her arms wrapped around her stomach. "I'm coming, I'm coming,
NOOOOOOOO!!"

"B'Elanna?" He shook her, but she just twisted and turned away
from him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, honest, I promise, I tried, and I
tried," she pleaded to no one.

"B'Elanna!!"

Her eyes fluttered open and met his. Sitting up, she tried to get
her bearings. "What happened?"

"You woke up screaming 'I tried, I
tried'. You must have had a nightmare," diagnosed Tom. "Can you
remember what it was about?"

Her eyes wide she said," No...no...I don't remember." But something
about her, her voice, her posture, her entire body language
screamed that that wasn't the whole truth. "I'm sorry, Tom. I
didn't mean to wake you up."

"I know. Sure you're okay?" he asked.

"It was just a nightmare, Tom. People have them everyday," she
replied. She gave him a kiss, and forced him to lean back. "I
promise," she
repeated, but she didn't sound any more convincing than she had
before.

"All right." He lay down, and B'Elanna wrapped her arms around him
and leaned her head against his chest and fell asleep again. She
didn't wake up screaming again, but all night long, he could feel
her constantly moving, and mumbling something under her breath.
But he knew better than to ask her what was wrong again, because
unless she wanted to tell him, she wouldn't.

*****************


"She woke up screaming 'I tried I tried'...what could that
possibly mean?" wondered Lauren aloud. "Maybe something from her
childhood? Repressed memories, hidden trauma? Psychological wounds
resurfacing?"

Tom let out a frustrated sigh. "This is all pointless
speculation." He glared at the closed Sickbay doors. "When did it
become so hard to find out what was going on around here?"

******************




"What...what am I doing here?" B'Elanna demanded as the effects of
the tranquilizer wore off and she returned to consciousness.

"Good to see you awake," came the Doctor's voice. He appeared at
her side. "You collapsed in tears at your party, that's what
happened."

"What? Why?"

"Because of the stress you've been placing on yourself to keep the
information on your miscarriage a secret, the nightmares you've
been having, which I'm just speculating about, the death of your
child, and the suppression of your grief. And the treatment is for
you to admit it to your husband, who is probably pacing
frantically outside," he jabbed a finger at the double doors,"
wondering what happened to his wife, and why she dissolved into
tears when he gave her a simple gift!"

"I can't tell him!" she shouted, slamming her open palms onto the
biobed so hard they began to throb. "Then he would know that I--"

"That you what? That you lost the baby, as he should have been
told the moment in happened!" argued the Doctor.

"No! That's not all of it, he would know that I--" And suddenly,
with a visible effort, she calmed down and took deep breaths. "I'm
not going to tell him, Doctor. And you're not going to either. Is
that perfectly clear?"

"Lieutenant Torres, as your doctor, I insist that you--"

"If you have a protest to make, note it in your medical log for
Starfleet to review when we get back in about fifty years or so,"
she said sharply. "And then we'll deal with it."

"Fine. But you can explain to Mr. Paris why you collapsed."
Hitting his comm badge he said," Doctor to Paris."

"Paris here. Are you going to let me in there yet, Doc?"

"You may enter."

Tom was standing next to him before he had a chance to disconnect
the comm line. "B'Elanna, are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I'm sorry I caused such a scene and," she reached up
and touched the shoulder of his jacket," soaked your clothes."

"It'll dry. Why *did* you collapse in tears?"

"Too much stress."

"Over what?" asked Tom as he stroked her hair soothingly.

"You know, the regular things: too much work, not enough food."

"But I don't understand why you kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm
sorry...' "

"You know what happens when you go crazy, you start rambling,"
explained B'Elanna, trying to use humor to lighten the moment.

Tom shot a horror-filled glance toward the Doctor, and she
realized he wasn't taking it the way she wanted him too. "I was
kidding, Tom," she said, resting an arm on his elbow.

"But then why--"

"I think we should leave now," interrupted B'Elanna, getting off
the biobed. She nearly pulled Tom's arm out of the socket in her
haste to get out.

"Is it just my imagination, or did Doc seem more annoyed than
usual today?" asked Tom.

"You know him, always annoyed about something for no reason," she
replied. *But maybe this time he has a good one.*



********************


For the next three weeks, almost the entire ship noticed
B'Elanna's behavior. She didn't spend as much time in Engineering,
preferring to delegate the responsibility to various members of
her staff. She seemed distracted and preoccupied half the time. At
night, she woke up screaming from nightmares. She seemed
withdrawn, and her half-hearted attempts to cover things up just
seemed to increase her unusual behavior. And no matter what anyone
did, Chakotay, Kathryn, Harry, Neelix or Tom, she just laughed it
off, saying it was their imagination. The Doctor only watched in
growing concern, unable to say anything, restricted by medical
protocol.

Tom had tried everything short of bribery, and he was sure even
that wouldn't work, to get her to confide in him.

But she refused, making up excuses or rushing off saying that they
could finish their conversation later. He didn't know where to
find the answers, but somehow, the reason for all of this fell
into his lap in the most unusual way.

Exactly three weeks from the day of their disastrous anniversary
party, Tom went skiing in the holodeck with Harry, Ethan Simms,
Janine Lamont and Lauren. And just his ill-fated luck, he managed
to fall and twist his ankle. Lauren helped him hobble over to
Sickbay.

"You take a seat right here, and I'll get the bone regenerator,"
she instructed, leaving him on the biobed to cross the room.

"Are you sure I should let you touch my ankle?" joked Tom. "You
are, after all, *only* the assistant. I think I deserve the chief
medical officer."

"A doctor who would just moan and groan over having to once again
fix you up," Lauren reminded him. She sorted through a pile of
padds laying on a biobed. "I might as well update your medical
file while I'm doing this but I can't find it. Can you check in
the pile on the bed next to you?"

Stretching his arms, he hooked onto the stack, and set them on his
lap. Rifling through them, he immediately grabbed the one that
said PARIS on the top left hand corner of the small screen.

Lauren came back over, and placed the small regenerator over his
ankle. "You sit still, and you'll be fine in a couple minutes,"
she said. "Your file, please?"

He was about to hand it to her when he noticed that it said
PARIS/B'ELANNA TORRES. "I took the wrong one, this is B'Elanna's."

"Just to make me do more work, I'll bet," snorted Lauren, sifting
through the pile. Here it is. I'll be in the Doctor's office,
updating it if you need me." She sauntered off towards the office.

Tom let out a breath, bored. Idly, he glanced down at the padd he
held down in his hand. He was just about to set the padd down when
his eyes fell on the last entry, and his breath caught in his
throat. *NO, this has to be some kind of joke, she would have told
me if something like this had happened. This must be someone
else's.*

But it wasn't. The heading on top of the file still said PARIS,
B'ELANNA TORRES. "Oh my God," he said, eyes widening with
comprehension. It made sense now. The nightmares, the odd remarks,
the breakdown when he gave her the gift. It was all so
ridiculously clear he couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before.

"Did you say something?" Lauren was coming toward him.

"I can't explain," he shouted, ripping off the regenerator. Tom
ran out the door, determined to get finally get some answers.

*******************


When he burst into their quarters, B'Elanna was sitting with her
back to him, on the floor, sorting through the various gifts they
had received from the crew.

"Tom! I thought you'd still be on the holodeck," she greeted.
"Look at what Becca got us, a small sculpture of Robin's Le
Basier." She held it up, but Tom paid no attention.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"That I was going to sort through all the presents? You were gone,
and I didn't think you'd want to be interrupted on the--"

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?"

The sculpture tumbled out of her arms, and she rose to her feet
unsteadily. "What baby?" she asked, half forcing the words to come
out of her throat.

"Why?" he asked sadly, coming closer to her. "Why didn't you tell
me? Didn't I deserve to know?"

She backed away, her knees feeling weak. "No...no...you weren't
supposed to...how did you...?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"I saw your medical file when I went to Sickbay." He advanced
further, and by now, B'Elanna was against the wall. He rested his
hands on her shoulders, and demanded again," Why?" His grip
tightened on her shoulders and his voice grew more forceful.
"WHY?"

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU," she screamed and collapsed on
the floor in tears.

"No, no, I know you better than that," he said. "There was
something else, something else you didn't want me to know. You
would never have kept something this big from me just because you
didn't want to hurt me." He bent down and grasped her by the
shoulders again. "Tell me."

The knowledge she'd been keeping deep down inside her couldn't be
repressed any longer. " I KILLED IT. I KILLED OUR BABY," she
shouted hysterically. "I HAD A CHOICE, and I MADE THE WRONG ONE!!"
Her tears started coming faster and the sobs louder.

"No, you didn't. It was an accident, it was just an accident. I
read the file, I know you couldn't have done anything--"

"You weren't there," she shrieked. " I was. When the first energy
wave hit, I was doing repairs, and I lost control of the welder,
and it was about to rip through the computer console. And I," her
voice grew harsher, "knew I had to protect the ship, so I managed
to turn that laser toward me. And just so I could save me and my
crew some extra time repairing, I murdered our child. I MURDERED
IT, Tom! Don't you understand? Now do you know why I couldn't tell
you? Because it was all *MY* fault, it wasn't some sort of
accident, it was *me*," she yelled. "It was me, me, me, me," she
repeated over and over. "It was my fault, and I felt so guilty,
and ashamed that I couldn't make myself do the *honorable* thing
and tell you or anyone else. I was a coward." She turned away from
him, her eyes full of pain and anguish.

"No," breathed Tom, but not for the reasons B'Elanna thought. He
remembered when the first energy wave hit too clearly. The wave
had hit while his attention had been on exchanging barbs with
Susan Nikoletti. And if he had been paying attention--. "No,
B'Elanna, listen to me, it's not your fault. It was mine. If I had
been doing my job, if I had been concentrating on flying the ship,
I would have seen the build-up in the cloud, I could have averted
the whole disaster." His shoulders slumped. The only thought that
had made him feel better about the whole mess was that he hadn't
gotten anyone killed. But now he knew he had. He had killed his
own child with his incompetence. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna. It's my
fault, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for putting you through all that."

"No," said B'Elanna through her tears. "It was me. I cared more
about some stupid machine than I did about a life depending on
*me* for its survival."

"B'Elanna," protested Tom, tears forming in his own eyes. "Weren't
you listening to me? It was my fault, all mine, nobody else's--"

"Right now, I don't care," she said quietly. "I just want you to
hold me." From the state she was in, he didn't think she heard his
confession only moments ago.

He opened his arms and she fell into them gratefully, his embrace
was a refuge from the turbulent emotions she was feeling. "It was
so hard," she moaned into his shoulder. "To keep it from you, but
it was my fault, and I was such a coward--"

"Shhh," said Tom, rocking her back and forth. "It was a terrible
for you. But we're going to get through this, I know we will."

And husband and wife stayed in each others arms for a long time,
letting their tears out, B'Elanna's for the painful secret she'd
revealed, and Tom's for the one he was going to have to live with
for the rest of his life.

***************



~~Fini~~





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http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Set/8770/