Clown of the Heart

written by: Calla

DISCLAIMER:Don't own 'em, though I wish I did. No money. Nothing. Nada. Just for fun. PLEASE don't sue me.
NOTE TO READER:Rating:Good for all ages I guess. Sickenly sweet fanfic. OOC, and Lana, Rae and Bernie are of my own invention. Can't say there's a point to this...it just cam eto me in one night and so it was written in one night...
TAKES PLACE A COUPLE YEARS AFTER ENDLESS WALTZ...

Part 1

 "I don't want to go!", I remembered saying to my best friend as she began dragging me out the door.
"But it'll be fun Lana!"she replied gleefully.
"I don't want to go!"I repeated to her, and continued,"I HATE public gatherings! YOU know that! Rae, please! It's a circus! How more public can you get?"I asked rhetorically, as I was led unwillingly to the car, and forced to go to the cheerful, annoying, loud, POINTLESS, destination of her choice.
Now as I walked around aimlessly beside her, I wanted nothing more than to go home, or find some peace and quiet.
"Oh! Let's go into the big tent for the next show."Rae exclaimed excitedly. I let out a much catlike growl in my throat."Oh come on! PLEASE?" she begged.
"Okay but only because I can sit down."
We wondered into the big tent , immediately forced to take in the three ring stage. Although the show didn't start for another hour, a crowd was already gathered inside. Another low growl escaped my throat.
"Lana it's not THAT bad!" Rae insisted as I followed her lead through the standing crowds, dodging running children.
"I hate public gatherings..."I repeated to myself as she finally stopped right in the front row seats and sat down."You want to sit in the FRONT row?"I asked incredulous.
"Yeah, how else will we get to see everything?"she asked pointedly.
I sucked in an exasperated breath as I sat down, and for the millionth time reminded myself of Rae and I's differences. She was a people person, I wasn't. She LIVED for parties, entertainment and such, I preferred to sit in my room and read or take a walk in the park. I CRAVED quiet and peace, she wanted liveliness, lights, and glamour. She was extremely pretty with shoulder length blonde hair, oval face, big brown eyes and full lips, I just blend into the background. I wore black, she wore white, and the list could go on forever. If we didn't have the same taste in clothes and both had a love for the Arts, I'd doubt we would have any common ground.
"Don't look so annoyed!"Rae said looking at the scowl on my face, my arms crossed over my chest, and my all out expression one of displeasure and discomfort."Look, they'll have animals...you like animals."
"But not with whips and chains."I muttered in answer.
"Tight rope walking..."
"I'm not good with balance."
"Knife throwing..."
"Too dangerous. The knife will probably hit the guy tonight just because I'M here."I said unsoftened.
"Clowns..."
"I don't like clowns."I said in answer to that.
Somehow clowns always sort of scared me. Also, I didn't see the point of putting on weird makeup, goofy, mismatched clothes, and acting like an idiot-on purpose- in front of a large group of people.
"Lana, there's gotta be something you'll like!"Rae said hopeful.
"Yeah,"I said unshaken, and saw her brighten,"...going home."
Rae hung her head with a sigh.

Part 2


I had sat through at least an hour and half of nonsense. People on trapezes, (which even I had to admit was kinda cool), the idiotic clowns coming out and offering me one of their joke flowers...tight rope walking, which I didn't watch much of because I had to strain my neck in a painful way to see it properly, then watch some poor animals being forced to jump through rings of fire and jump from one stool to the nxt with a crack of a whip. I wanted to get up and leave. In fact, I began to gather up my things when the nxt act was announced.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. I present to you our own Catherine Bloom, knife throwing extraoridinare!"
A woman with bouncy, curly brown hair, wearing a pinkish purple show dress cam eout and bowed. I heaved a long sigh and got up.
"Lana! What are you doing? Come on!", Rae hissed, grabbing my arm forcing me to sit down.
"Rae, I want to go home." I whispered pleafully.
"Lana..."

I didn't hear the rest because I had turned my head back to the show, and my eyes fell upon the ONLY good thing I'd seen tonight other than the EXIT sign. Ironically he was dressed as a clown. Baggy pants held up with suspenders, but across a muscualr chest that was covered with a tight, sleeveless, mismatched, blue and white shirt. On his face he wore half of a mask. It was a "happy" clown mask, a smile turning up on it's lips. The mask was practically hidden by a thick tuft of long brown bangs. The other side of his face was unpainted,and unlike the mask his lips weren't turned up into an all too happy grin. His eyes...they were hard to describe. They were a beautiful startling green, greener than any I'd seen before. But when I looked into them, I saw, if I wasn't mistaken, a look of danger or wildness in them, as well as saddness and gentleness. Perhaps he didn't want to be here either...I mused.

He carried himself with a deep air of mystery but self assurance and gracefulness. Yet the saddness was prevaliant.

Part 3

He seemed like he felt much as I did - alone.

"Well aren't we going?", I heard Rae chide into my revelry.

"Huh?"I asked looking up at her standing figure in the dark tent, tearing myself from the clown's eyes.
"You said you wanted to go. I won't make you suffer through anymore of this if you don't want to." she whispered.

I looked back at the clown as I saw him begin to position himself for the knife throwing.
"I..."I looked back at her, then pulled her back into her seat, "I changed my mind."

Rae gave out a defeated sigh, and hung her head as she mumbled,"I wish you'd make up your mind."

Oh, but I did. I was staying at least until this act was over. I watched keenly as this Catherine lady threw her knives in precise strokes around the boy or man, I couldn't tell how old he was by his looks. Each time I grimaced and looked away, worried that one would hit him. Then I quickly would open my eyes and look to see he never even blinked. In a way that unnerved me. Who was this guy?

A couple minutes later the act ended, and the two stepped forward taking their bows. I listened carefully waiting to hear his name but they never gave it.

The next acts were almost impossible for me to get through. All I could think about was that boy. It sounded crazy even to me. I had, in a sense shut off my hormones and rarely had felt this drawn to someone. I was always under the assumption I would never have a boyfriend. Besides why him? I didn't even know his name! Why should I care?

I remembered his eyes. They burned into me. Piercing me through the skin, stabbing my heart. Maybe I could find out his name after the show? But how? How can I modestly go around asking about a guy I never met, and if I was to talk to him personally I'd probably flip out.

I was used to being around guys. Most of my friends were guys. But that's all they were, and all they'd ever be to me- friends. In my silent contemplation I suddenly realized that Rae was jabbing my arm.

"Okay, let's go. It's over." she said rising up, stretching.

I looked up at her dumbly, then I looked around. People were pouring out of the tent, leaving the maintenance crew to clean up. I nodded, got up, and followed her not really thinking about it as I dodged crowds of people, kids, ropes and the like.

"Well you seemed to had settled down for the last half.", Rae commented as we walked.
"The guy in the knife throwing act, did they announce his name?I can't remember." I asked as innocently as I could.
There was a thoughtful pause."No. I don't think they did. He was pretty good wasn't he? He didn't even blink."

Rae chattered on about this act or that one. I listened, or rather heard but didn't pay much attention. My mind remained fixed on that green eyed clown. I felt a stab of guilt at not focusing on what Rae was saying, but when I tries I couldn't.

As we continued to walk, I suddenly heard off to my side, around some trailers, a heated conversation. I looked over and stopped. There he was! Some guy in a red jacket, (the owner I concluded), was yelling at him and the knife thrower Catherine. I spotted a food station near it, and pulled Rae over to it as I lied saying I was hungry. When we came to the near absent line I began to hear bits and pieces of it clearly.

"You should have dodged it! It almost hit you! I can't afford to loose either of you. Do you understand me boy?" the man asked the green eyed teen, whose face no longer dawned the mask.
"You don't pay me to dodge.", the boy said in a soft voice, tinted with harshness,"But if you order me to, I will."
He got up, standing taller than the other two.
"I don't know why I put up with you!", the now clearly identified manager exclaimed, as he walked away and stepped into his trailer.

The woman came forward and grabbed his arm comfortingly."He's just worried about you. But he's right Tro..."

"May I help you?", asked an all too happy concession stand worker. Breaking my concentration on what was being said behind the stand, I bit my lip to keep from letting out an annoyed breathe. I had almost heard his name!

"A Pepsi and some nachos." I said as I looked up at the menu. I glanced over to see the boy shrug Catherine off, and for a brief moment he looked straight at me, but then walked away saying,"I have work to do."
"That'll be $5.23", the waiter said as I noticed my food seemed to appear out of no where.

I fished in my purse and pulled out the money to cover it, got my change, and gathered up my food and walked away without realizing Rae was ordering something too.

"Hey! Wait up already!"she called. I turned to see her with a bundle of food.
"Let's find somewhere to sit." I told her looking around.
"Over there." she said nodding in the direction of some picnic tables.

Rae began to go on about something I couldn't even begin to understand what she was talking about, and despite my will to fight it, my thoughts again became preoccupied with the clown.
Something told me inside I needed to meet him. That I needed to care about him. But why? I didn't even know how I could manage to see him again except to come back for the next show, and the next.

"Think we can do this again tomorrow?" I blurted out.
"What?"Rae asked confused because it was way off topic.
"you know. Come back again tomorrow night too." I said with a sudden deep contemplation of my nachos.
"I though you didn't like the circus." she said even more confused, raising an eyebrow.
"It's...growing on me." I answered, and purposely stuffed a big mouthful of nachos into my mouth so I wouldn't have to answer anything else she might ask.
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