Clown of the Heart

Written by: Calla

Part 4

I had come for two days in a row. Each night watching the big tent show, eagerly awaiting the knife throwing act. Each night afterwards wondering around without any destination, looking for maybe just a glimpse of him. A sad reality hit me this the third night... in four days he would be gone- probably forever.

THIS was insane. I had never even met the guy. Besides, was he even WORTH putting up with all these other problems? All the other things that made me want to leave? To pound on my peace depraved mind and will?

I had though been successful in learning his name. After the show was over the day before, I walked out and saw one of the clowns. After working up the nerve to go up to him and ask, and having a little confusing conversation with him, I had learned my clown's name- Trowa Barton.
"Weird kid." was how the clown had described him. I just smiled and thanked him, then accepted the balloon animal he made for me.

I looked around me now. I was alone this night. Rae had another party to go to. Besides I felt better without her along. I felt horrible, because I couldn't take my mind off of Trowa. Why was I so obsessed with him? What had drawn ,e to him? He didn't even know I existed- literally.
THOUSANDS of people saw the show everyday. Some had seen it several days in a row like me. How could he, out of all the faces he saw when he looked among the crowds see me?

After all, I wasn't much of one to be noticed. My long reddish brown hair came to my elbows was always pulled back, my eyes were a hazel color. I was short and thin, without much more than a tiny waistline and flaring hips to give me a shape. I never stood out much. I never TRIED to. Besides every time I had ever talked to a guy I liked I always would clam up, and ended up not saying anymore than 'Hi' and 'Bye', and would not even meet his gaze. Why am I even bothering? isn't that all I'll end up doing now?

Suddenly the sounds around me became louder, and my racing mind begged for a relative calm. A headache was threatening to come on.

He'll be gone in four days! So I might as well turn and leave now. Yet I kept walking, searching for a lonely spot, or as lonely as one could find in this mess. Perhaps I had a touch of social anxiety? I hated crowds...yet here I was braving one all for the sake of a guy I'd never even spoken to. Plus I kept getting the feeling I was being followed.

I'm paranoid. No one's following or watching me. Still I stopped briefly to look around me. No one was ducking out of sight or acting funny, just passing me by.

"I need to go home.", I said to myself, and this time I followed my own advice.

Part 5

At four in the morning I came up with an idea that would either be my doom or relief from all this. So now, with a box of chocolates, a red rose, and a card supported in a bag, I walk ed through a now familiar crowd. I was beginning to feel like I worked for the circus. I was actually beginning to know the layout without thinking about it. I was beginning to know the names of the big tent performers. Some even approached me before their performance and joked with me saying I might as well come on the road with them since I'd come from day one and probably knew their acts as well as they did. I guess that comment showed I wasn't as invisible as I thought I was.

I watched each act and somehow with the familiarity I began to enjoy it--even the clowns. I was able to tune out all the screaming children, all the people around me and concentrate on the show. I was shocked when I received a double dose of Trowa that day when he performed with the acrobats with the trapeze as a fill in. But finally the act I was anticipating so much came on. the familiar announcement was made, only after the name "Catherine Bloom", I added," and Trowa Barton", in a hushed voice.

I realized as I watched him not flinch or blink as each knife cam whizzing by him that neither did I. I sat there with the same expressionless face he had. I trusted Catherine now to know what she was doing. I hadn't doubted it before, but now the effect wasn't the same as it was the first time. Instead I held my gaze with his wild emerald eyes that even on the first day seemed to be staring straight at me. I realized also at that instant that I had SOMEHOW managed to end up sitting in practically the same seat and ALWAYS the same section each day.

The act was over too soon for me--knowing I wouldn't see anymore of him from that point on in the show. So I set my mind to trying to figure out how to give Trowa the things in the bag without someone else getting it. Well, actually I didn't mind it if Catherine did for some reason. After all if it wasn't for her act I'd probably would never see Trowa. Suddenly I felt guilty for not getting her anything. maybe if I play a game and win a prize?

"Psst,...hey! Lana!", I someone behind me say as whoever it was tapped me on the shoulder, taking me out of my contemplation.

Part 6

I looked around... the show was still on. I turned to look behind behind me to find out who was trying to get my attention. My eyes widened when I saw it was the clown whom I had asked what Trowa's name was a couple days ago. He greeted me everyday now. He knew my name and I his. Bernie and I had become his choice during his act to pick on. I tuned back around and leaned back enough for him to whisper in my ear."Yeah?"

"The bag...is it for Trowa?" he asked above the crowd.

"I blushed a deep scarlet. Had I made my interest in Trowa THAT apparent? Aside from asking his name, I never had spoken about him to any of the other performers.

"Yes." I uttered barely loud enough for him to hear me over the noise.

He smiled and put a hand on my shoulder."Come with me. And bring the bag."

Then he began climbing down the bleachers to the ground floor with my wrist held in his hand.

"But it isn't even over yet." I said indicating the girl riding, then standing on two galloping horses.

"Doesn't matter. Your just here for Trowa anyway." he said teasingly, leading me around the ring into the darker parts of the tent where it led backstage and out to the employees quarters and storage.

"Is it That obvious?" I asked in despair.

A short bark of laughter erupted from his throat. "Only to someone my age or who is very observant. Don't worry, there's no shame in it." he said as he came to the backstage opening and jerked back when I had stopped dead in my tracks.

Panic was setting in. What if he was back there? What if he thinks that I'm nuts? I can't do this...I can't go back there.

"What's wrong?" Bernie asked his brow creasing in worry. I just stared at the opening. Another bark of laughter escaped his throat. "Don't worry Lana if he's back there. I don't think he bites."

"I can't do this....you must believe I've never done or acted like this before." I said in a fast wave of sentences.

"You really are a shy one aren't you?"he said with an amused expression.

I bowed my head in both humiliation and grief. Somewhere deep inside a voice wanted me to go in. To MEET this guy who I had been obsessing over for days now. yet the voice I knew and trusted more held me back.

"Bernie, what's going on? Who's she?" I heard a female voice ask. as I looked up I saw it was Catherine." are you okay honey? You look pale." she said looking at my features critically. "Well can't you talk?" she asked jokingly.

"Don't mind her Catherine, She's just very shy. I think..." Bernie said eyeing the bag in my hand,"...she has something for your little brother."

My eyes widened. BROTHER? Oh, now I'm TRUELY dead! Silently I began to say my prayers.

"For Trowa? What is it?" she asked in curiosity.

I bit my lower lip as I looked at Bernie then held out the bag to Catherine.

"If he doesn't want them he can do what he wants with them. I won't be insulted." I blurted out as I saw her open the bag and peer inside curiously. " I didn't know if he liked chocolate or not so I...I..." my voice failed me as another blush came to my cheeks. In defeat I held my head low. This was SO humiliating. And I am SO stupid!

"You can have some of the chocolates too. I forgot... I came up with the idea at 4 in the morning. I..."I stuttered, my mind a whirl. I felt dizzy and VERY sick.