Chapter Three: Tender Mercies
Carly twisted the key in the lock of her apartment door, then stopped dead.
Nikolas was standing, almost in a daze, behind her. He'd said barely a word to
her in the last half-hour. But then, even if he had spoke, what did they really
have to say to each other? They'd probably exhausted all topics of conversation
at this point. And it wasn't like he knew the first thing about her. Yet here
she was, about to open the door to her small apartment in the back of her
mother's brownstone and let him in.
She was momentarily paralyzed with fear.
No one had ever been here. No one but her brother, her mother, and her Uncle
Luke… and that was only because he was persistent and nosy. She closed her eyes
and tried desperately to remember what kind of state she'd left the place it.
Not that it mattered. She felt like depression hung in the air of the apartment.
No matter what she did, she couldn't vanquish it. And now she was pulling this
man into it with her. What was she doing, what was she doing, what was she
doing…?
Nikolas, who had been conducting an in depth study of the hard wood floor in the
hallway, became aware of time passing, and looked up. Carly was standing in
front of the door, not moving, one hand on the doorknob, the other on the wood
of the doorjamb. He felt suspended in time and blinked to reassure himself that
he hadn't just stumbled into some freeze-frame moment in life. It was taking him
far too long to notice things right now. All his concentration kept falling on
small things. He'd never been honestly drunk before, and if he wasn't now, then
he was dangerously close. At the same time, he knew he wasn't so far gone that
he wasn't questioning how he'd ended up here. He'd told himself he shouldn't do
it from the moment she'd suggested it. He'd repeated to himself that it was a
bad idea, that nothing good could possibly come from it, as they'd walked back
to the parking lot, as she'd kissed him again, as they'd found transportation…
But here he was, and he was making no effort at all to get himself out of this
situation.
He stepped forward, and walked purposely behind her.
“Are you alright?”
At the sound of his voice, Carly closed her eyes, and decided this was too late.
She was here, she was with him, she didn't want to be alone tonight… All she had
to do was find a way to open the door. She leaned back against him, hand still
on the doorknob. Nikolas frowned in momentary confusion as he felt the warmth of
her body press against him. Why did he feel like he never knew what to do with
this woman? He decided to stop trying to think about it, and just lowered his
head to breath in the scent of her hair.
Intoxicating… It clouded his mind more than the champagne had. Without realizing
it, Nikolas reached out and ran his fingertips down Carly's bare arm. She
shivered against him, which broke him out of his spell. He started, momentarily
bewildered. God, his mind just wouldn't obey direct orders. Carly, however, was
now standing on her own two feet and opening the door to her apartment.
“Ok. This is it,” she said with put on confidence, as she strode into the room.
The place wasn't as bad as it could have been. There was a towel tossed
carelessly on the back of the couch and the magazines on the coffee table were
scattered, but since she hadn't been eating much lately there were no dirty
dishes, no neglected glasses of half-drank soda, or any of the other horrors the
place could have offered. She decided it was safe to turn on the light
Nikolas stood in the doorway a moment, taking in the tiny living space. The
apartment, as far as he could tell, consisted of two rooms… a living room with a
very modest kitchenette at the far side, and a bedroom, the door to which was
ajar. Carly flipped on the lamp by the couch on her way into the kitchen. Her
demeanor was notably different than it had been in the hall… bright and suddenly
cheerful. She looked back at him.
“Are you backing out on me now?”
Nikolas, gradually becoming aware that she had asked him a question, shook his
head and entered the room, closing the door behind him. He'd never been in this
part of the house before. In fact, he'd rarely been to the Brownstone… Bobbie
was easy enough to find when he'd needed her, usually at the hospital. He looked
around the room, at the overstuffed couch, the wicker and glass coffee table,
the small television that was covered in dust… It seemed well lived in. Small
and close, a good place to hide.
Carly, unnerved by Nikolas' silence, wracked her brain for something to say.
“Hey, can I get you something to drink?”
There was some sort of smell Nikolas could pick up but couldn't put his finger
on. It wasn't unpleasant, just something light but distinctive. Feminine.
Probably part of the reason he wasn't sure what it was. Carly cocked her head at
him.
“Earth to Nikolas… Are you still with me?”
“I'm sorry, what?” Nikolas snapped out of his contemplation and looked over at
her.
“Drink. Do you want something?”
Nikolas couldn't imagine what he should answer to that. He took a moment to
evaluate his position and decided his brain was operating just a little too
clearly for his taste. It was already becoming clear that there was nothing
worse that being just a little drunk. Drunk, but still sober enough to care.
“Yes,” he said finally. “I think so.”
Carly frowned at him. “You sure about that?” she asked, immediately regretting
it. She sure as hell needed something more to drink and this gave her a pretty
good excuse without looking like a complete lush. Nikolas didn't answer,
however, so she just shook it off. “I've only got beer… pretty common, I guess.”
Again, no response. Great, she thought to herself as she headed off to the
refrigerator. She'd kissed a prince and turned him into the incredible zombie
man.
It took Nikolas several moments to decide that sitting down was probably a good
idea. Expected. He examined the couch, the large beige and peach floral pattern
swimming in front of his eyes. Different. Nothing he'd ever see at Wyndemere. He
sat down gingerly at the edge of the couch and waited, in agony, for Carly to
return.
Carly, still in her bride's maid's regalia… the crown of flowers slightly askew,
swept out of the kitchen, two bottles held between the fingers of her right
hand. She stopped in front of Nikolas, taking in his ridged position. What the
hell was he so tense about? She shook her head, not wanting to pursue the
question any further, and thrust her arm out, offering him one of the bottles.
Nikolas stared at it a moment before taking it, then looked back at Carly, as if
awaiting some sort of instruction. Carly twisted the cap off expertly, and
regarded it a moment. She looked up at Nikolas and smiled. “And now I remember
why I never drink beer when I'm wearing a dress with no pockets.”
Nikolas looked down at the bottle again, then twisted the cap off. It tore at
his palm a little, but generally came off with little effort. He looked back at
her. “What?”
“It was a trick my girlfriend's taught me in high school. If you want to keep
track of how much you drink at a party or something, you hang onto the beer
caps. Then you just count them up later on, and you kinda know how drunk you
are. Of course, if it's a kegger or something you're totally screwed.”
Nikolas stared at Carly dumbly, having less than no idea how to respond to that.
Carly, sensing that her conversation wasn't exactly scintillating to him, turned
away abruptly, moving to her stereo and studied her CD's critically.
“Soooo… What kinda music are feeling like tonight?”
Nikolas took a swig of the beer and made a face. This was a truly revolting
beverage. “Uh… Tonight?”
“Yeah,” Carly straightened up and looked back at him. “You know. Music to mourn
the love lost. What are you into?”
Nikolas gave this great consideration, mostly to avoid having to continue to
attempt to drink the beer in his hand. “Mostly… Beethoven. Some of the moodier
Bach. I avoid Mozart.”
Don't laugh, Carly told herself firmly. Don't laugh, that won't serve any
purpose. She took a long pull from her bottle instead, then looked up at him.
“Uh, fresh out of Bach.” She hit the button of her CD player and the drawer slid
out. “We have Melissa Etheridge on deck.”
“Who?”
“Great stuff when your heart gets stomped on,” Carly mused, pulling the CD out
of the machine and tossing it on top of the stereo. “First album, especially.”
Nikolas nodded and decided that taste be damned, he needed something to take the
edge off this conversation. He took another long drink from the bottle, then put
it down on the coffee table. Carly scanned the CD's quickly, trying to find
something inoffensive but appropriate. She decided on a little listened to album
she'd picked up a few years ago, and slipped it into the CD player, hitting the
“random” button before turning back to Nikolas.
“This might be more your speed,” she said lightly as the rich chords of the
first song filled the room. Carly decided to focus on getting this stupid bottle
out of her hand, and took a long drink before walking, a little unevenly, across
the room. She glanced over at Nikolas, trying not to look like she was paying
too much attention to his presence. God he looked uncomfortable. Probably he
hadn't expected this to involve so much talking. In fact, she was a little
surprised that things were still in the living room. But then, outside his touch
at the door, he hadn't made a single other move on her. Carly looked down at her
bottle, then quickly chugged the rest of the contents. Ok, Caroline, she told
herself. You didn't get this far in life by waiting for other people to take the
initiative. She put the bottle down, and strode over to the sofa, flopping down
on the opposite end. Nikolas looked over at her, a disoriented look on his face.
“Sooo… What's the saying? 'A penny for your thoughts'”
Nikolas shook his head. “I wouldn't know.”
“What?” Carly pressed on. “The saying, or your thoughts?”
Nikolas smiled, suddenly finding some humor in his situation. “Either,” he told
her, carefully. Carly grinned, and pulled the crown of flowers off her head. She
ran her fingers through her shoulder length hair repeatedly, pulling out a few
bobby pins.
“Well, congratulations,” she said lightly. “That's where I've been trying to get
all night.”
Nikolas nodded slowly, not really following her logic. Carly slid down the
couch, her knee brushing lightly against Nikolas' thigh. Nikolas, suddenly
desperate for something to do with his hands, gripped the arm of the sofa for
all he was worth. Why was this so hard? Why was this whole thing making his
heart pound through every fiber of his being? He was beginning to feel dizzy and
she was barely touching him.
“I think,” Carly said slowly, “I need an added distraction, you know?”
Or, she thought, you could give me five minutes and I could put up a neon sign
for you. She leaned forward, and brought her hand up to straighten the collar of
Nikolas' shirt. Nikolas reached up and straightened the collar himself, pulling
it tight around his neck and doing up the top button. Carly sat back, descending
into complete confusion.
“Uh, Nikolas?” she ventured, suddenly feeling very insecure. “What are you
doing?”
Nikolas shook his head. He'd love to know the answer to that question. Carly
took a deep breath and decided to try for ball two.
“Come on. I don't bite.” Carly stopped, and smiled devilishly. “Well. Not if you
don't want me too.”
Oh, that was it. Nikolas' stomach knotted violently and he felt certain he was
going to be sick. This was wrong. This was fundamentally wrong. He was in love
with Robin Scorpio and he was here with this woman who he had nothing in common
with, nothing to say to, but who kept making his head swim. No. It was a big
mistake. He had to get out of here.
“Uh, Carly…” Nikolas swallowed hard as he met her gaze. She was looking at him
with a mixture of confusion and amusement. He cleared his throat, but it didn't
help. His tongue still felt thick, and his whole body too heavy to move. 'GET
OUT!' a voice in his head continued to scream at him. 'WHAT IS TO BE GAINED
HERE?'
Carly moved closer, deciding that if Nikolas wasn't going to talk, she might as
well make her intentions clear. For such a smart guy, he was being awfully slow.
Nikolas sank back against the couch as Carly moved closer, feeling trapped,
caged. She descending on him, her mouth coming down on his and kissing him
meaningfully. The moment her lips touched his Nikolas felt his resistance melt
away. Instantly. The annoying voice in his head silenced, the confusion, the
tension, all of it. It was so easy. His grip on the arm of the couch was
released and his hand moved up into her hair, pulling her closer to him. Carly,
taking what she read to be a cue, slid across the couch, still kissing him
softly, and moved to straddle his lap.
Nikolas tensed again immediately, and Carly pulled back, looking at him with
concern.
“Is something wrong?” She frowned. “Do you… Do you want to…”
“No,” Nikolas answered too quickly. “Nothing's wrong… It's… Nothing. This is
fine.”
The second the word was out of Nikolas' mouth, he cringed. “Fine”. Oh, he hadn't
just said that. Carly was still looking at him like he had two heads, until the
answer slowly dawned on her. A knowing smile, one that make Nikolas' guts twist
violently, spread across her face.
“Nikolas?” her voice became soft, with a gentle lilt to it. She studied his face
carefully. He wouldn't make eye contact with her. “Nikolas, have you ever been
with a woman before?”
The answer, apparent from the violent flush that immediately crept up Nikolas'
neck and bled into his face, was a resounding no. Nikolas' arms moved up to
Carly's shoulders gently pushing her back from him.
“This was a mistake,” he muttered, trying to figure out how to extricate himself
from this position. Carly didn't move.
“No,” she said softly. She lay a hand over Nikolas' heart. “It's ok. It's really
ok.” She leaned forward, pushing Nikolas back against the soft cushions of the
couch, and slid her hips closer to him, her movements becoming instantly bolder.
Nikolas stared at her, his mouth having gone dry. She leaned in to kiss him.
“It's alright, just relax.”
Nikolas was about to tell her he didn't think that was a possibility when he
found her lips against his again. “Just relax,” she said softly, against his
lips. Nikolas closed his eyes and felt himself, actually felt the floor, the
couch, all sensation of “ground”, of where he was, fall away from him. She was
so soft. Her touch was so gentle, and the way it was making him feel was
indescribable. And that smell. Whatever it was, he had no idea, but it was light
and soft, something like… Spring flowers? Or a garden after rain. Intangible.
But with her against him, with his face so close to hers, he could now tell it
was a perfume. The smell intensified when she moved her hands up his chest and
slid them up to cup his face. Carly heard Nikolas moan, or perhaps try to speak,
in their kiss. She found herself smiling at how enthusiastically he was
responding to her. She felt a surge of power. Of being beautiful and alluring
and irresistible. That familiar feeling of knowing, without a shadow of a doubt,
that the man she was with wanted her, desired her with single-minded lust. It
wasn't as good as being loved, but in her darkest moments, it came awfully
close.
Nikolas' hand moved up and grabbed Carly's wrist in a sudden gesture that
startled her. Carly pulled back, gasping for breath. What was going on here?
“What is it?” she panted, unable to cover how deeply into the moment she had
been before this sudden break.
Nikolas stared at her creamy white skin on the inside of her wrist. It was so
soft, untouched, with thin blue veins running under the surface. He ran his
thumb across it, ignoring the hard stare Carly was giving him.
“What are you doing?” Carly's voice raised an octave, clearly anxious. Nikolas
didn't answer, instead slowly raising her wrist to his lips. He brushed then
across the tender skin lightly, then lay a soft kiss against the center of her
wrist, right where the arm met the flesh of her palm. Carly sucked in her breath
quickly. Nikolas pulled back and looked up at her, his eyes unfocused.
“I thought,” he said softly, “That we established that I don't know what I'm
doing.”
Across the room, the CD whirred, moving to another track. Carly stared at
Nikolas until his features blurred in the tears that had suddenly and
inexplicably filled her eyes. Her heart began to pound. What was this? This was
not what she was looking for. This was something else entirely.
“All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath”
Carly moved towards Nikolas again, as if hypnotized, and slid her wrists up
against either side of his neck.
“And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love”
Nikolas waited for her to kiss him again. She was looking at him with so much
intensity, he barely felt as if he was present anymore. It was as if a part of
him was floating away. He wanted her to kiss him more than he could remember
ever wanting anything in his life up to that moment. But she stayed hovering
above him, staring, as if he was some sort of apparition. Nikolas reached up,
threading his fingers through her hair, and gently pulled her down into a long
and hungry kiss.
“Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it”
Carly, swept away in a sudden and startling wave of passion, pressed herself as
hard as she could against Nikolas, deepening the kiss.
“I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love”
Breathless and more than a little light headed, Carly pulled back from Nikolas,
staring at him in amazement. The look on his face hit her hard. Part lust, and
part insecurity. Hope. Trying to gage if he was getting to her, if he was doing
this right… or if it was enough. She felt her fingers trail lightly down his
neck, locating the top button of his dress shirt. She fumbled with the first
button, her breathing surprisingly labored. Nikolas closed his eyes and lay back
against the couch.
“Peace in the struggle
To find peace
Comfort on the way
To comfort”
Carly parted the buttons on Nikolas' shirt, laying soft, teasing kisses on his
skin above each one. She heard Nikolas moan and she felt a shiver go through her
with unaccustomed violence. His arms closed around her, running up and down her
back, pulling her closer to him. She straightened up, taking his face in her
hands again. Nikolas opened his eyes and she looked straight into them. They
were dark, just like the rest of his features. Dark eyes, hair, even his skin.
Dark and soft and so easy to just lose herself in forever. She lowered her mouth
to his again and gave him a soft and sensual kiss. Pulling back, she reaches
behind her and took his hands, which were grasping her hips, into hers. She
smiled at him, and slid away from him, somehow finding the floor and standing
up.
“Come with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. After a moment,
Nikolas rose, and Carly turned, leading him into her bedroom.
“And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
I won't fear love
I won't fear love…”
**** The song “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” can be found (wanna hazard a guess?) on
Sarah Maclauglan's “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” CD. My use of it is an
unapologetic steal from my friend Skip, who will probably string me up for this,
since she's still mad at me for not writing a J&C fanfic in the first place.
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