The Anya Chronicles: Monicus
By Father Storyteller

Disclaimer: No claim to ownership is made to these characters or situations, which were originally created by Joss Whedon.

"You can open your eyes now, " said Xander. "Pretty good, huh?"

"Not bad," said Anya. "Perhaps better than not bad. Well, good. Well, really good. You know, they should put this stuff in little boxes so you can take it home and eat it there."

"It’s ice cream, Anya," said Xander, handing her the spoon and pushing the bowl towards her. "They already do that."

"Oh. You know, I was thinking that ... well, if you’re free on Friday night, we might, you know, do something. We could go on a ... date."

"Not the mambo, you mean."

"That too. What, are they mutually exclusive?"

"No," said Xander. "Not always. A date. Wow. Provided there are no more stories about ... you know, your former career and your liking for emotional atrocities."

"Hmm, okay. And speaking of atrocities, here come your little friends, the so-challenged Slayer and the rhymes-with- –"

"Willow, Buffy!" said Xander, gesturing for them to sit. "I was just introducing Anya to the joys of pistachio ripple." Anya grimaced.

"I guess there’s a lot of treats that aren’t available in demon-land," said Willow, as she and Buffy, ice-cream cones in hand, sat down.

"Anya, just where do you come from?" said Buffy. "Do they have cable there?"

"No, but they make better jokes," replied Anya. "If you must know, I was moulded by the Dark Lords from the Primordial Clay one thousand one hundred and twenty years ago."

"Oh, Xander, that makes her an older woman!" said Willow.

"Yes, and I really needed to know about the Primordial Clay thing," said Xander.

"I was given the amulet to cause chaos on behalf of wronged women by granting their wishes of revenge," Anya explained. "My brother Monicus, on the other hand – "

"You have a bro?" said Xander.

"We were moulded at the same time. He’s an avarice demon. When I became mortal, he was the only one to argue for my reinstatement before the Dark Lords."

"Gosh," said Willow. "I had no idea the process was so ... legalistic."

"When that failed, he gave me a bucket of money so I could live as a mortal. No sense in me starving, after all."

"Well, avarice demons come in handy for that," said Buffy.

"I’ve seen her bucket," said Xander. "She keeps it on the TV. Yes, it is a bucket and, yes, it is full of money."

"Some people have all the luck," said Buffy. "By the way, Anya, are you a people?"

"You know, I’m glad the Master killed you," said Anya. "Twice."

"This chit-chat is lovely but I have to go," said Buffy. "I have a driving lesson this afternoon."

"Good," said Anya.

"Good that I have driving lesson?" said Buffy.

"No," said Anya. "Good that you’re leaving."

"I’m going too," said Willow, as they both got up. "I have to be ... somewhere that isn’t here."

As Buffy and Willow left the ice-cream shop, Anya turned to Xander. "You know, when I see you talking to those two, I get a funny hot feeling inside," she said. "Like I want to tear some hair out."

"Yours?"

"Theirs. Is this, like, a normal human thing?"

"Girl thing. Good normal girl jealousy," said Xander.

Anya ate another spoonful of pistachio ripple. "Jealousy," she said. "I don’t know the meaning of the word."

"I didn’t know you liked movies," said Xander, as they walked back towards Anya’s apartment in the cool of the evening.

"Neither did I," said Anya. "It must be the violence. There was some sort of story or something, wasn’t there? Didn’t get that bit. Didn’t seem important."

"Well, as long as it’s not the sight of guys with huge muscles who can drive really fast," said Xander.

"No, it’s definitely the violence. Makes me feel like – "

"Okay, okay, I can see where this is leading, and it’s fine by me. But let’s at least wait until we get back. Gee, I always get the crazy ones. Insect woman, psycho Slayer, and now hot-to-trot demon girl."

Anya laughed and took his arm. "Some people have all the luck," she said, and kissed him.

They were still kissing when there was a snarling growl from a grove of bushes. "Uh oh," said Xander. "I hope that’s not – "

A demon, with a red face and small, stunted horns, leaped out at them. He was small, about five feet tall.

"Oh, that’s not too bad," said Xander, relieved.

The demon rasped something at Anya.

"Am I going crazy," said Xander, "or is he speaking French? Demon French?"

"Think so," said Anya.

"He said something like: ‘do you have the ... something’."

"‘Do I have the k’rat-archi’."

"Yes, I knew that. Oh, you speak French."

To Xander’s astonishment, Anya started to talk to the demon. At him, really. It sounded to him like she was starting to get angry. The demon tried to get a word in but failed, as she continued on in a Gallic tirade. Eventually, she said something that seemed to Xander, with his high-school French, like: ‘get out of here before I do something really painful to you’. That must have been it, for the demon suddenly turned and ran off.

"Well," said Xander. "That was .... unusual. Didn’t know they had demons in France."

"Quebec," she said. "They have demons in France, but this one was from Quebec. I spent some time there. Wonderful place, everyone full of spite and malice."

"Hence the French. But what’s the k’rat-archi? And did I hear him say something about Monicus?"

"No, no Monicus," said Anya quickly. "And the k’rat-archi is, well, it’s a – " she tried to make a shape with her hands " – or it’s a – " she tried to make a different shape, but then gave up. "Never mind, it doesn’t really matter. Come on, we have other things to do tonight."

"Like ... ?" said Xander.

Giles was surprised to find Xander in the Library on a Saturday, looking through books. "Are you sure you’re in the right place?" he asked.

"Let me see," said Xander. "Dust, books, English librarian, yep, this must be the place."

"Really," said Giles. "And what has brought on this flurry of learning?"

"Heard of something called the k’rat-archi?" said Xander. "Demon. French."

"Yes, well, I speak French, of course," said Giles.

"Of course," said Xander.

"And I happen to know that the k’rat-archi is a demon artefact known for its ability to change its form into anything that its demon owner wants it to be." He selected a book from a shelf and leafed through it until he found the reference he wanted. "Here," he said, showing it to Xander.

"Giles, this is in French," said Xander.

"Of course," said Giles.

"No pictures?" said Xander.

"Well, there wouldn’t be much point in a picture of something that can be anything, would there?"

"Only if you don’t read French. Can you tell me what it says?"

"Oh all right. You young people never study." He glanced over a few paragraphs and said: "Well, the k’rat-archi is an extremely valuable artefact that was apparently lost some time ago. Several demons have been looking for it for many years without success."

"And it can change form?"

"Apparently. If you want it to be a snake, it can be a snake. If you want it to be a diamond, it can be a diamond. And so on. And it says here that if it is combined with other artefacts, it can make a weapon of incredible power. Control of fire and lightning or something. Well, they all say that. What exactly is your interest in it?"

"Oh, nothing. Thought I found one in a box of cereal but it turned out to be a little plastic dinosaur."

Xander hated his afternoon job as a stacker of stuff in the Discount Everything Superstore but at least it provided some money. Now that he had a girlfriend – if Anya could be called that – he needed money. As he left the warehouse in the early evening, Anya was waiting for him, leaning on her bicycle.

"Hi," she said. "Thought I would walk home with you."

"You know," he said, pointing to the bike, "there is a way to ride these things. You don’t have to push them."

"Yes, I know," she said. "But I thought it would be nicer of me to walk with you."

They walked along through the darkened street, Anya pushing the bike, when there seemed to be a sudden gust of wind out of nowhere. "If I didn’t know better," said Anya, "I would say that – "

"What’s that?" said Xander, alarmed. At a point just in front of them, a shimmering thread of light appeared. It grew to the size of a doorway, filled with white light.

"A portal!" shouted Anya over the howling wind. "A demon portal!"

Out of the doorway came a figure. He stepped through the portal, staggered, and fell. Then the portal was gone. Only the demon was left on the ground, moaning.

They rolled him over, to be face-up. He was badly injured, bleeding viridian blood. When she saw his face, Anya gasped.

"Monicus," she said.

"Xander," said Giles into the telephone, "there aren’t actually any good demons. I don’t really know how to treat any injuries one might have, and I’m not even sure I should try."

"But this is Anya’s brother," said Xander, struggling to hold the injured demon steady on the bicycle as he spoke on the payphone.

"My point exactly," said Giles.

"He might know something about the k’rat-archi thing. You know, weapon of fire and lightning? We should try and find out what."

"Well, I suppose that’s a fair point. Perhaps I have a book about demon medicines. Where are you?"

"Near Anya’s place," said Xander. He gave Giles the address. "And you’d better call Buffy. The way this guy’s been hurt, I’d say there were some bad dudes in the picture somewhere."

"Yes, well, that’s all we need. Buffy will be on vampire patrol at the moment, but I’ll leave a message for her to meet us there." He hung up.

With the injured Monicus perched on the bicycle, they reached Anya’s apartment. They carried him up the steps and were lying him on the couch when Giles arrived, carrying an armful of books and several containers of liquid and powder.

"And this would be ... ?" he said.

"Monicus, avarice demon," said Xander.

"I’ll see what I can do," he said with a sigh. He consulted his books, and after a while began to mix various ingredients in a bowl. In a few minutes he had produced a foul-smelling, oily paste. He handed the bowl to Xander. "Spread this on the wounds," he said. "It should stop the bleeding and help him to heal."

"No way I’m touching that stuff," said Xander.

"Well, I’m not going to," said Giles. "I don’t know where he’s been."

"Oh let me do it, if you’re going to be pathetic," said Anya, snatching the bowl from Giles. She had already torn up a sheet into strips to make bandages. She knelt next to the unconscious Monicus and started to apply the paste. He groaned a little as she did so.

"Crossbow wounds," she said. "Demon weapon."

"Hmm. Tell me, what do you know about the k’rat-archi?" said Giles to Anya.

"Only that it exists and what it can do," said Anya. "Like I told the demon we met last night – "

"Eh?" said Giles.

"Oops, forgot to mention that," said Xander.

"Like I told him, I don’t know where it is and I don’t know why Monicus would want it," said Anya.

"Hey!" said Xander. "You said ... oh, forget it."

At that moment, a breeze started to blow. But there were no windows open in Anya’s apartment.

"Oh no," said Xander. "Does this mean – "

Even as he spoke, the wind grew and a shimmering light began to appear in the centre of the room. It grew until it was as wide as a double-doorway. Three demons stepped out, and the portal began to fade.

The lead demon was huge, over two metres tall and with a scarred, pock-marked face. He held an odd, double-headed sceptre. The two smaller demons – one of them was the one encountered by Anya and Xander – carried dangerous-looking crossbows.

"Quattro," said Anya to the lead demon. "You always did like to make a fancy entrance, jerk."

Quattro barked a humourless laugh. He said something in French, and pointed first at Monicus and then at Anya.

"What did he say?" said Xander to Giles.

"He’s says he’s tracked Monicus here," said Giles. "He’s looking for the k’rat-archi. He thinks Anya has it. The rest is the usual colourful threats, you know, eyes gouged out, that sort of thing."

"Oh. Well, of course."

Anya spat something at Quattro in French.

"She said he should – " said Giles.

"Got the gist," said Xander.

Quattro strode forward and grasped Anya around the throat. He picked her up; she struggled uselessly, her feet off the floor.

Together, Giles and Xander ran forward.

With the sceptre in his free hand, Quattro lashed out at Giles, sending him crashing into the wall. The Watcher slumped down, unconscious. With the same movement, Quattro pushed Xander into the other demons, who grabbed him and held him back.

Anya was starting to choke. "Let her go!" shouted Xander, struggling against the two demons. "She doesn’t know where it is!"

"There," said another voice suddenly. "It’s there."

It was Monicus, barely conscious but struggling to raise himself. He was pointing at the bucket of money on the television.

Quattro saw it and shouted in triumph. He threw Anya aside, and the two demons threw Xander onto the floor next to her.

Quattro picked up the bucket and tipped the money out. As he held it, it started to change, as if melting. It formed itself into a fist-sized shape like part of a jigsaw puzzle. Quattro raised the sceptre and inserted the k’rat-archi into it. The twin heads of the sceptre began to glow, one red, one white. He raised the sceptre over his head, and it crackled like fire and lightning. He laughed savagely.

On the floor, Xander felt something under him. He pulled it out, and saw it was one of Giles’ jars of medicinal powders. "Time to get out of here," he whispered to Anya. Then, to Quattro, he shouted: "Hey! Acne boy!"

Quattro leaned over them, snarling. Quickly, Xander threw the contents of the jar in his face.

"Run!" he said to Anya. "Run now!"

But she was already scrambling for the door. He followed. Then they were out and rushing down the steps to the street.

Still choking on the powder, Quattro snapped orders at the smaller demons to follow.

By the time the demons reached the street, Xander and Anya were nowhere to be seen. Lifting their crossbows, the demons began to search.

One heard a rustle in a bush. He peered over the top to see. As he did so, Xander stepped out from behind a tree.

"Not there, flunkey," said Xander. As the demon whirled around, Xander hit him with all the strength he could muster. There was sharp crack! as Xander connected, and the demon fell to the ground, knocked out.

"Wow," said Xander. "I did it. I really did it."

He turned to look for Anya – and saw the other demon, three metres away, with his crossbow raised to fire at him.

There was a klong! as Anya hit the demon on the back of the head with a shovel. The demon stood swaying for a moment, and then collapsed.

"You know," said Xander, "you’re really ... look out!"

Behind her, Quattro was standing in the middle of the road, sceptre aimed at Anya. Xander leaped towards her as Quattro fired. Anya was knocked to the ground as the double blast swept by.

Quattro snarled and raised the sceptre again. But before he could trigger it, there was the blare of a horn and a pair of lights behind him. He turned, just in time to see a white mini-truck bearing down on him, Buffy at the wheel. There was a sickening thud as he was knocked aside. The sceptre flew from his hand.

Buffy brought the mini-truck to a halt as Giles, holding his head, limped up. "That was quick thinking, Buffy," he said, helping her out.

"Actually, I sort of forgot where the brake was," she said.

Then they heard the sound of sobbing. They ran to Xander and Anya.

Xander was lying on the ground, eyes closed, his head cradled in Anya’s lap as she knelt beside him. Tears rolled down Anya’s face.

"Why did you have to be so brave?" she said to him. She looked up at Buffy and Giles. "He pushed me out of the way," she said, "and Quattro hit him instead. And now he’s dead." She stroked his head tenderly.

Then Xander moaned. "Not dead," he said, his eyes flickering open. "Just really, really sore all over. But you can continue with the stroking thing if you like."

Anya gasped. "You ... you stupid moron!" she shouted. She got up suddenly, causing Xander’s head to drop to the ground with a thunk. Slowly, he got to his feet.

"How could you scare me like that!" snapped Anya. She angrily started to walk away. Then she turned and walked back to Xander and slapped him. She started to walk away again. Then she turned and came back. This time she grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulled him to her, and kissed him passionately.

Buffy giggled. Giles rubbed his head. "Teenagers," he muttered.

"I must thank you for your help," said Monicus, who was now strong enough to stand.

Giles, holding Quattro’s sceptre, detached the k’rat-archi and handed it to Monicus. "How did you acquire it?" he asked.

"Avarice demons acquire many such things," said Monicus. "It was no use to me. But Anya needed a bucket, as that is where humans keep money." He transformed the k’rat-archi back into a bucket and handed it to Anya.

"Hate to say this," said Buffy, "but humans don’t keep money in buckets."

Monicus raised his demon eyebrows in surprise. "But they always speak of ‘buckets of money’," he said. "I have heard it."

"So have I," put in Anya.

"It’s just a ... well, never mind," said Buffy.

"I think it would be best if the k’rat-archi was hidden where no-one will ever find it," said Giles.

"Know just the place," said Xander. "The Buckets-r-Us section of the Discount Everything Superstore."

"If you want to repay me," said Anya, "you could speak to the Dark Lords about – "

"No," said Monicus. "They have made their views plain. To ask again would be dangerous. Now, it is time for me to depart," said Monicus. With his hands, he outlined a doorway in the air. In a few seconds, it had become a demon portal.

"Safe journey," said Giles. Then Monicus stepped through and was gone. The portal closed.

"What a loser," said Anya.

"Don’t like him much, huh?" said Buffy.

"I said he was a brother, not a friend," said Anya.

"Well," said Xander. "Was that the demon equivalent of meeting the folks?"

Anya stared at him. "Demons don’t have folks," she said. With a sigh, she turned to Buffy. "I suppose I have to thank you now," she said.

"Oh, this will hurt," said Xander.

"That’s okay," said Buffy. "Call it even for the Belisk thing. And I often spend my Saturday nights slaying demons. Which reminds me, I have to get the car home and find a way to explain the dent to Mom."

Giles mumbled that he should be on his way as well, and they left together.

Alone, Anya and Xander slumped onto the couch, side-by-side.

"Human emotions sure do ... well ... they ... well, it’s hard to put a word to it, really," said Anya.

"About sizes it up," said Xander.

"You know, when I thought you were dead, I felt really odd. Like I was being cut in half. Or like I wanted to throw up. Or something."

"And you cried," said Xander. "Never seen a wish demon cry before."

"So that’s what that was. Demons don’t do that. Don’t expect it to happen again." She put her arm around him and pulled him close.

"Sounds to me like you might be in love," said Xander.

"Oh, no," said Anya. "Oh no. Oh God. Oh I hope not."

The End