Against All Odds

By Deanie

SPOILER WARNING: Set in my alternate universe, which broke off pre-Prom. Buffy and Angel have broken up, though.
RATING: PG-13 for mild sexual thoughts
CONTENT: Buffy and Angel angst
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects on Angel leaving her.
FEEDBACK: Pretty please? To DeanieBTVS@aol.com

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don’t belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I’m just borrowing them for a while…and they’ll be returned when I’m done putting them through the emotional wringer. I’m not making any money off of this, so don’t sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

I don’t own "Against All Odds." It’s an old Phil Collins song and can be found on his "Hits" CD.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is the second in my "Bad Goodbye" series, set a day after their breakup in "Still Holding On." The series is all reflections on the breakup between Angel and Buffy. The title comes from the Clint Black/Wynonna song "A Bad Goodbye" from his CD "Greatest Hits."

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath
With you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How could I have let him leave me? I don’t know what I could have done to stop him, but I should have done something. Even if I had to chain him to the wall. How could he leave? How could he take away my choice and make such a monumental decision for both of us?

I can’t think. I can’t breathe. All I can do is feel this pain. I’m being crushed by the weight of my shattered heart. I’ve never felt anything this horrible -- dying was less painful. Sending Angel to Hell didn’t hurt as much because I didn’t have a choice. But he has a choice. Maybe it’s not a good choice, but it’s a choice. He’s my one true love, my soulmate. We can never be happy apart. How could he just walk away into the night? He didn’t even tell me where he’s going. He just left. And I let him.

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

Angel and I have been through so much together. We’ve been through the end of the world more times than I can count. But what’s important is all that we’ve been through emotionally. We’ve laughed together, worried together, held each other as we’ve cried. He’s been my strength for two years and I’ve been his. We’ve been through the emotional aftermath of my death, the horrible revelations of his past, even his change to the dark side and my sending him to Hell. We’ve loved each other enough to forgive each other so many times. So why isn’t our love enough now?

How can he live without me? I don’t know how to exist without him. He’s my strength when I can’t go on. He’s my hope when all seems lost. He’s the light in the darkness that calls me home. He’s the only one who’s ever understood me – body, mind, and soul.

So take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of you face
Ooh, take a look at me now
Well, there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me
Is against the odds
And that’s what I’ve got to face

I don’t even know what I feel anymore. It’s like someone took the most important part of me and ripped it from my body. He’s taken my heart and without it I can’t function. I can’t even think. I’m empty and there’s nothing I can do to fill myself up. There’s a void inside, a barren space only he can fill -- and he’s gone.

My life was him. He was my focus, my grounding, the one freaky thing in my freaky world that always made sense. Now, there’s nothing, only chaos in my mind and the broken shell that’s what’s left of my heart.

What am I going to do without him? He’s not coming back. I can’t live without him. Please let him come back.

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

I wish he had been able to see my pain, see how much he hurt me when he left. I know, despite his cool exterior, that it was killing him inside to leave me. That doesn’t mean I had to make it easy for him, yet I did. I hid my pain the best I could, didn’t let him see how much I was dying inside. Maybe if I had shown him how much he was hurting me he would have stayed. If he had known how much pain he was inflicting on me, could he have done it?

At the same time I’m glad I was strong, that I didn’t break down and beg him not to leave me.

I wish I had been able to tell him all that I was feeling, all the reasons for him not to go. I could have fought him harder, should have given him all of the million reasons that we should be together. But I was so overwhelmed, so overcome by all of these emotions that I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to tell him how much I need him, how much I love him.

So take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of you face

All I can do is lie here, crying and thinking of him. All that’s left are my memories. I don’t even have a picture. I don’t even know if he would show up on film if I had tried. But I should have tried…I should have held onto him so tightly when he was mine that he would never have wanted me to let go.

I remember…the agonized look in his eyes right before our first kiss…his scent on the leather jacket he gave me…the sound of his voice whispering my name…the taste of the rain on his lips…the touch of his hands on my body the night we made love…

Is this my life from now on? To think of him? To be empty inside, all alone?

Now, take a look at me now
Cause there’s just an empty space
But to wait for you
Is all I can do
And that’s what I’ve got to face

I know he wants me to get on with my life, to meet someone new, some new human guy who will make me happy and give me a normal life. But I can’t. Life is meaningless without him. And love? How could I love someone else when Angel already owns my heart? He’s the only man I’ll ever love no matter how long I live. And someday I hope he can realize that. Because all I can do now is wait. I can try to go on with my life…hang out with my friends, go to college…I hope it will only take him days to realize that he needs me like I need him, but he’s so stubborn, and he believes he’s doing the right thing by leaving. It’ll take him more than days, more than weeks to realize that he was wrong. But someday, I hope, he’ll understand how wrong he was.

Take a good look at me now
Cause I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against all odds
It’s a chance I’ve got to take

Maybe he’ll never realize what a mistake it was for him to leave. Maybe he’ll go through his life thinking I’m happy and in love and in a normal relationship like he wanted. Maybe he’ll never be able to see that he’s my soulmate, the only man I could ever be happy with.

I know it’s against the odds for him to come back to me. But I can’t help myself. All I can do is wait for him.

Take a look at me now