Angelic Memories
By Lady Sirona

Rated PG [believe it or not]
Summary. Tissue Warning! Angel is talking to Buffy after returning from Hell.
Disclaimer: Joss owns them, I play with them.
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Angel walked quietly along the gravel path in the Graveyard. He walked among the marble memories to humans long dead. He walked though the dark velvety darkness as he looked around him with memories flowing across his mind of all the times he and Buffy had spent in this graveyard. Hunting. Kissing. Loving. He was searching for her. He knew she would be here. She always awaited him here, and he always knew he could always find her here. He frowned as he thought of the painful subject he had to tell her. Since he had come back from hell things had been different, and now he had to do something he knew she would not approve and he did not look forward to telling her. He had no choice. He had to do it. He found her in her personal spot. He stopped his approach and he spoke quickly. He had to tell it, and get it out, he didn't have much time. He knew if he didn't address the problem and get it all out, he never would.

"I love you Buffy. I have loved you since I saw you at Hemery. I loved you from a far and it never stopped. I have never stopped." he took a deep breath he didn't need, and he opened his heart bared his soul to her.

"I loved to watch you and to follow you. I watched you and followed you from a far from the moment I saw you be called. I watched your first kill and I watched you cry over the loss of your life as you knew it." He looked up at the stars that held her fate in them, and he sighed. "The night you were attacked by the Three, I joined the fight, not because I ever thought I had the ability to save you from the three, but because I wanted to be with you, and die with you if you were going to die." He looked down avoiding the look he knew she would give him for his dark and brooding thoughts.

"I never thought you would take me home like a lost kitten Buffy. I couldn't believe you were attracted to me. I was horrified I was what you hated and killed and I allowed you to take me home and graced me with the privilege of sleeping at your side, in your room. I loved you more then than I ever loved anyone in all my years." He closed his eyes and remembered the way he felt, the trust she showed him when she invited him in her home. The gift of her presence she granted without a thought to him. Her beautiful face and her enjoyment of his attention and her increased heartbeat in the kitchen when he flirted with her...

"I love you so much Buffy. I spent the day hiding in your closet from the sun as much as from your Mother. I knew I had to leave, I had to separate myself from you before I lost everything and hurt you. But you came in with your plate of chicken and outrage at thinking I read your diary.... Do you know what I felt like learning you were attracted to me? You wanted ME? My world stopped. I knew I had to leave...I tried to tell you I was older than you... but I kissed you instead." he closed his eyes and relived the horror of when he realized he had lost control of the change... and her horrified screams that followed him into the night, as he ran from her loathing.

"Buffy, you granted me the most obvious sign of your trust at the Bronze when you offered me your throat. I couldn't believe it. The Slayer offering her throat to a vampire. I was so incredibly surprised. I remembered the kiss at the bronze when your cross burned into my chest as we kissed. It hurt but not as much as the thought it would be our last kiss... or so I thought." He closed his eyes in remembered pain. his world ended that night. "I gave you my heart, body and soul that night. You never knew it. I knew I was a demon and I had to stay away from you.... But I couldn't."

Angel looked at the lightening sky, dawn was coming and he knew he had to finish soon. "I know this is hard to hear but I need to say them Buffy. Allow me please. I couldn't stay away from you. We grew closer. I sought you out every chance I could. Even when you thought I wasn't there...I was. You accepted me entirely. Even when I told you I couldn't give you children that night in this graveyard when you were doing that egg experiment for school. You told me all you saw in your future was me." He bowed his head and remembered the way his soul soared with the realization she was offering everything to him.. he was her's to command... but she loved him and wanted him the same way. For the first time he dared to dream he could be her companion through her life....

"I love you Buffy. That night of your 17th birthday was the most incredible and beautiful night of my existence. I know you hate what the result was afterwards... but I will always remember it as the most important night of my existence. I cherish your beauty, your love, the trust you gave me. It was your birthday, and you gave me the gift. I would have given my soul to you willingly, and I had... unfortunately it was cursed before you were born." He bowed his head and a blood tinged tear leaked slowly down his face as he remembered the pain and horror Angleus the demon visited upon her and the others using his body.

"Buffy. I wish I had died that night. I wish I had realized what was happening and killed myself before I hurt you and the others and killed those innocents. I love you Buffy. You were so strong, and you never let Angelus break you. I was so proud of you. I was so proud of you when you defeated Angelus and saved the world. I willingly went to hell at your hand to save the world. I never got to tell you that after I came back from Hell, and I know you need to hear that. I know things changed for us when you sent me to Hell... No let me speak I have to get this out. It wasn't your fault Buffy. You are the Chosen One. Angelus never gave you the chance. You had no choice. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much. You are everything." Tears flowed freely and he didn't try to stop them. The pain washed through him. He knew she would never forgive him for
what he would say next but he had to.

"Buffy, I know you will not agree with what I plan to do. I now you are stronger than me... and you always do what needs to be done. I can't do it. I love you and I can't function without you.. ... I can't and I won't. Forgive me Buffy, but.... I have to go. I can't function day to day to see you here and know I can never touch you...know I can never hold you and kiss you, make you laugh, and most important of all...make love to you I can't exist here, seeing you every night and never touch you.... I have to go. I know you don't approve, but I have no choice. " He kneeled down in the grass and he prayed in his heart she would understand. She was always so strong... and he
was showing such a weakness...

Angel reached into his jacket and pulled out a white rose. A symbol of the purity of his love for her. He leaned forward and placed it very gently on the head stone that read "Elizabeth 'Buffy' Summers" He closed his eyes before he read the date of death which was before he returned from Hell. He was in Hell without her... and he couldn't stand it, so he stood slowly, placing his hand on her marker lovingly and turned toward the East to greet the rising sun.....