Dream Brother
By Bulletproof

RATING: PG . Mentions sex. Major angst warning and major character death.
SPOILERS: Everything up til 'I Will Remember You'.
FEEDBACK: Aw come on! You know you want to....bulletproof_android@yahoo.com
DISTRIBUTION: Knock yourself out!......not literally though.
SUMMARY: This is future-fic, where Buffy and Riley are married with her child Katarina.
DISCLAIMER: The musical masterpiece belongs to Jeff Buckley, find this song on his album, Grace. Joss on the other hand, abuses his rights to all things Buffy and Angel.
DEDICATION: To Serena who writes beautiful fic. Visit her site here: www.angelfire.com/ny2/serenav/fanfic.html
NOTE: Asterisks denote change in character P.O.V. (Angel to Buffy or vice versa)

There is a child sleeping near its twin
The pictures go wild in a rush of wind
The dark angel he is shuffling in
Watching over them with his black feathered wings unfurled

I'm holding her now and that's all that matters. My flesh and blood. She's beautiful. I never thought it was possible, and I had had my doubts when I heard that Buffy was with child, but now in my arms, I'm definitely sure. She has my mother's raven hair and smile, with her mother's eyes. Katarina. Her sobs are subsiding now, her little hands slowly loosening their grip on my shirt. I always found it amazing that I had this effect on her, ever since the first time I saw her.

I had watched from the balcony, her third day in the world. Buffy was struggling with her and almost crying out in frustration.

She is so alone in this world. I dunno, maybe it's for the best that we left Sunnydale. I mean, I always hated being a one hell-mouth kinda gal and with Riley's big promotion it was kind of inevitable that we'd move to New York. Also with the new slayer, Chloe, covering my back, I can start a new life out here.

But regardless of all these factors and more, there was no way I could have stayed in Sunnydale. Not with all those memories......

My dear Katarina. How will this new world treat you? Will I be able to teach you, to protect you? How can I do this on my own, without your father?

Buffy was crying softly, sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery that she and Riley had built with their own hands. Built out of love. It doesn't anger me. How can it? This is what I wanted for her. This is what I told her to do. This is what she deserves. She had cried herself to sleep, Riley away on a business trip, my little Katarina still held in her arms, still whimpering. I softly entered, opening the door from her balcony as silently as I could. I gently took my child from her arms and she looked at me with awe. Those deep, innocent, hazel eyes that I loved so much about her mother stared into my soul and I could do nothing but love her. She had become silent and placid in my arms. I was amazed and actually smiled as I gently set her down. I then managed to carry her mother into her own room without waking her, tucking her in and kissing her softly on the forehead, responding even in sleep to my touch, calling out my name. My heart constricted as I made to leave her room. And I was trapped. There was no way I was leaving them. The two women who already meant so much to me. And I have never left them since.

She's crying in her room now. I hate to do this, but she's my child and I can never be too careful where she's concerned. She means more than the world to me. It could all go to hell and I wouldn't care. As long as I still had my Katarina.

She must feel so alone. Her mother turned against her.....she never really took to Riley, though I have no idea why. He is the only father figure that she has known in her life. In seven years she has never called him "Daddy". It makes me so sad. She shouldn't have been forced to grow up without a father. But such is fate.

Angel died eight years ago. Fighting the good fight. I will never forget the day Cordelia had come running into my apartment, tears running unabashedly down her cheeks. She had been hysterical and I didn't fare much better after she finally managed to get her news out. My Angel was gone. Forever. My soul mate. My one true love. My everything. I became catatonic for about a week and that's when I think it came back to me. Everything about that day he had become human. The ice cream, the kitchen table, everything. But most importantly, the Oracles.

I had gone to them in my desperation. I needed him. I needed something, anything of him. And they gave me Katarina.

Riley had been so supportive. I don't think I could ask for a better friend. He's given up so much for me, he's built his whole life around me, and though he loves me, he still understands that I could never return the same.

She means so much to me. She is my last tie to him. There is nothing else without her.

Every night, from that day to this, I have snuck into her room when the lights went out. In the early years I would creep in, turn off the intercom and gently lull her to sleep with stories of the glory days of a certain slayer. She still never tires of those stories. She calls me her guardian angel. I love her almost as much as I love her mother. Which is why I had to leave her.

The love you lost with her skin so fair
Is free with the wind in her butterscotch hair
Her green eyes, blue goodbyes
With her head in her hands and your kiss on the
lips of another.

Buffy could never understand why I had to leave. I could never understand why she couldn't move on. So I had faked my death. Cordelia's acting classes were finally put to the test as I sent the brunette on her fateful mission. She bought it. And she ran to Riley. God bless that man, I have nothing but respect for him. He was able to pick up the pieces that I had left and married Buffy when she was three months pregnant. The Oracles had been fulfilling a prophecy by giving her Katarina. Yeah, she is to be a slayer. Said to be the greatest slayer of all time, stronger than her mother. Hopefully she won't have a vampire lover to drag her down.

Don't be like the one who made me so old
Don't be like the one who left behind his name
'Cause they're waiting for you like I waited for mine
And nobody ever came.

I don't think Buffy will ever forget me. Sometimes I wish she had never met me. She still cries now. I watch her from her window when Riley is away on business. She'll lie in bed, crying my name while she clutches what I know to be our wedding ring to her chest.

Katarina had entered the living room hugging a bear in her tiny arms. A very suspicious looking bear that I had never seen before.

"Katarina?" I asked, "Where did you get that honey?"

She looked away, unsure of how to answer. "A friend gave it to me."

"Kat....." I warned, "Who really gave it to you?"

"I'm not allowed to tell!" she cried, holding the bear even closer to her.

"Kat, you know you're not allowed to take things from strangers."

"But he's not a stranger......"

My brain froze instantly. Some unknown demon was probably using my daughter to get to me. Sure, I wasn't on active duty, but I had been around enough to make my presence felt.

"Kat give it to me right now."

"No! It's mine!"

I ended up snatching the bear away from her, ripping it apart in the process. And sure enough a tracking device fell from the torn bear.

Kat ran, crying, to her room, not responding at all to my pleas, threats, appeals, anything to open the door. I left her door to fix her dinner to bring in to her and when I had returned, the crying had been reduced to a sniffle.

"Kat, I'm sorry honey, but you know Mommy's just worried about you," I entreated as I opened the door, tray precariously balanced on one hand.

And my world stood still as I saw him cradling my child in his arms.

My Angel.

And then I saw black.

I can't believe it. Eight years of successful hiding from her and now she's found me, and fainted on the floor.

Katarina stood in awe as her two worlds collided together. She had heard so much about the two of us and was now stunned as she actually saw it unfold before her eyes.

I carried Buffy into her own room, setting her down on the bed as Katarina followed us silently. I sat beside her still form, brushing stray hairs from her face, gently cupping her cheek in one hand while I took her hand in the other and placed a tender kiss on her palm.

Buffy's eyes fluttered awake as she made slow movements to get up.

"Angel?" she asked uncertainly, stretching her fingers to touch my face and to stroke my cheek gently. "Am I dreaming?"

"No, Buffy, it's real."

"I don't believe you." And with that she rose suddenly and brushed her lips against mine, eyes closed, until she finally kissed me. Oh God it was like coming home. She was exactly as I remembered her. Her warm lips kissing me tenderly at first and then more aggressively, her hands coming behind my head and neck, pressing me against her, claiming me as her own. Finally, she broke for air, resting her forehead against mine as she started crying.

"Oh God," she whispered, "It really is you."

My Angel. My Angel had never died. My Angel was here in my arms. My Angel had lied to me.

I turned my head slightly, never leaving contact with him, and looked at our daughter standing at the door. "Kat, go to your room. I have to have a word with .....what does she call you?"

"Her guardian angel."

I scoffed. "Yeah, honey, go to your room so I can ask your guardian angel why he left us." I ordered, voice laced with sarcasm not at all directed at her.

"Buffy you know why. You know I wanted you to-"

"I don't give a damn about a normal life, Angel, I don't give a damn. Why? Why after graduation? Why after the Oracles? Why after Katarina? Why-"

"Mommy," The child in question broke my tirade. "Mommy don't be angry. Daddy loves you."

I stopped short. "What did you say?"

"Daddy loves you."

I turned to Angel in shock. "Did you-"

"I never told her."

"Oh my God." I turned to her, "Kat how did you-?"

"Mommy, it's so obvious." Katarina said sadly, "Daddy told me all the stories about the Slayer and her Angel."

I smiled. "Okay sweetheart. You run along. I gotta talk things over with Daddy."

Dream brother
With your tears scattered round the world.

She knew. My child knew. I had always secretly rejoiced in my heart every time she called Riley by his first name, never "Daddy".

Katarina left the room after I gave her a reassuring nod. I turned back to her mother, tears marring her perfect face. I wished I could never see that sight again. I traced my thumb along the path of her tears and sat on the bed with her. As she looked up, she brought her hand up to her lips and kissed our claddagh ring on her finger. She stared right into me as she whispered the words that both lifted my heart and killed my hope all in one motion.

"I love you."

I turned away, wanting not to let her see how close my resolve was to breaking after all these years. I struggled to recollect myself as I returned in a broken voice, "You can't."

"What? Why? What do you mean I can't?"

"Riley,"

"Angel, you know I don't love-"

"He's coming home soon."

She stopped. She knew as well as I that she had built a new life here, with him. It was a good life, a stable life. Nothing like I could ever hope to offer her.

I sighed and turned to face her. I don't know what was worse, facing the truth or facing her. I just hoped I had enough strength within me to walk away.

"You can't walk away now. Not now with Katarina."

She snapped. "No. Now. Especially now with Katarina. She loves you Angel. She knows you're her father. She needs you...........I need you."

I don't think I could have spelt it more clearly. He was here and that was all that mattered.

"I need you, Angel, more than ever, you know that."

He was struggling now, I could tell, pulling at the last of his reserves. "But Riley-"

"Angel, it's always been you. It's never going to stop being you." I was crying again now, eyes hazily staring into his. "Please..........you don't love me anymore, is that it?"

She locked gazes with mine, there was no running now.

"I love you," I whispered, "more than I can stand."

"Then run with me. Take me away, anywhere, I don't care." she touched my face, so gently, so filled with love, "I just need to be with you."

I kissed her then. She poured herself into it. All her desire, all her longing, everything within that kiss.

She was still so in love with me, so dependent. These were all the reasons I couldn't be with her then, couldn't be with her now. Now that she had Katarina and Riley, a man who would be able to give the women I loved the future that they deserved, in the sun. Nothing had changed and yet everything had changed. If not for Buffy, then at least for my daughter. She deserves the world.

I broke the kiss then, already crying, giving my ragged consent. This would be so much harder than I ever expected.

He said yes and I loved him all over again, every piece of him. Nothing was thought of the time when he left, nothing of the heartache, the memories. There was nothing but him and that moment. We could start anew, everything would be as it were before, but now with Katarina to bond us even closer together.

Now there was nothing between us but the day of planning that he had left to devise. Nothing.

Don't be like the one who made me so old,
Don't be like the one who left behind his name,
'Cause they're waiting for you, like I waited for mine
And nobody ever came.

I hate to lie to her, but it's for her own good. I can't risk hurting her again, I can't risk losing her again, my child, my soul. She's so beautiful and naive and innocent, I can't take that away from her.

So that's it. There is no more. Never more will I see my love, my child, my life. Never more will I hold her in my arms, kiss her gently as she trembles in my arms, telling her its alright. There is nothing but the sun and its deliverance.

Kat and I are waiting now, sitting on our suitcases in Riley's living room. God, I can't help but feel sorry for the man, he who gave everything for me, but received nothing in return. But this is as it should be. I can't not be with Angel. Katarina will have her father and I will have my soul mate. I just wish he'd hurry up.

Kat's fallen asleep now, head lolling against my shoulder, her raven curls falling against her face. She takes a sudden breath and looks at me with such haunted eyes, there is nothing but fear within them.

"Where's Daddy?"

"He's coming, baby, he'll be here soon." I smile gently down at her, and that's all I can do.

I feel afraid and I call your name
I love your voice and your dance insane
I hear your words and I know your pain
Your head in your hands and her kiss on the lips of another
Your eyes to the ground
And the world spinning round forever.

I can smell it. Sunrise is coming. I remove my wedding ring and place it on top of the note that I have left my love. I let out an unneeded breath as I stand on Katarina's balcony. Tears slowly make their way down my cheeks as I whisper my love's name and tilt my head toward the impending rays of light.

And they come.

I feel no pain. There is nothing but purity in this moment. Nothing but unadulterated happiness. My wife and child will have a future, the one they deserve. I watch behind closed lids as images flash by, filling me with nothing but love.

Buffy knocking me over in the alleyway. "Yeah, well maybe I don't want a friend."

Katarina looking at me with her three day old eyes.

Meeting Mr Gordo.

Watching as Katarina took her first tentative steps towards me.

Kissing Buffy in the cemetery. "All I see is you......All I want is you."

Katarina falling asleep in my arms.

Making love to Buffy on the kitchen table.

My daughter calling me "Daddy"

My marriage to Buffy. "Wear it with the heart pointing towards you."

I can feel my soul rising above my body, freeing me from this dull earth, watching as my demon crumbles to dust. There is nothing but happiness within this moment.

Asleep in the sand with the ocean washing over

He didn't show. We waited all night and he never turned up. I place our daughter into her bed, tucking her beneath the covers, kissing her gently on the forehead.

And that's when I see it.

The white note blowing gently in the wind under a silver ring.

I walk slowly towards Katarina's balcony, fighting in my mind along the way. He said he would come.

I open the glass door, trembling, finding the note under our claddagh ring, a pile of ashes lying carelessly beside it.

I bend to pick it up, tears streaming now as I hold our wedding ring against my heart as I read the note:

Forever.