Do What You Have To Do

By Felicity

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. They belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox, etc. etc. I don't own the song ("Do What You Have To Do") either, it's written and sung by Sarah McLachlan.

Author's Notes: This takes place sometime between "Innocence" and "Becoming" it doesn't have a particular date in there. Very angsty, I'm sorry...I adore comments! Please write me!

what ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage?
created you a monster
broken by the rule of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do

Buffy woke with a start from the dream of him. All her dreams were of him lately. And why wouldn’t they be? He was gone . . . her dreams were all she had left to cling to. She brushed her hair back, away from her face and leaned back against the wall, hugging her knees and wondering again how this could have happened. How could love and happiness have turned him into this monster? It couldn’t be, her mind repeated numbly, over and over. It couldn’t have been her. Something that terrible should have hurt. Something that caused so much pain should have begun with that much pain. Not with joy. Not with love. Not with them being together.

Her mind returned to their fight, to the moment when she could have killed him and hadn’t. The moment she couldn’t kill him.

"Please, if there’s a God, give me the strength to do it. Let me do what I have to do," she whispered, while the morning sun shone through her bedroom onto her bed. Oh Angel. But there wasn’t an Angel anymore. He was gone. He didn’t exist. And Buffy didn’t know how she could ever let him go.

and I had the sense
to recognize
that I don’t know how
to let you go

A shadow slipped across her floor and Buffy startled, seeing him though he couldn’t possibly be there. She threw off her covers and slid out of bed, going to the closet. A corner of her mind whispered that she had time to go see him before school, and then the rest leapt in, telling herself that he was gone. That she couldn’t see him, not the Angel she loved. His soul was gone.

She threw open her closet door and the sun caressed her back, feeling for a second, as if he were there, kissing her neck so very softly. She closed her eyes and reveled in the memory; pretended it was him, truly, and he was with her, not gone, not banished; who knew where his soul really was?

She moved restlessly, escaping the dreams that couldn’t come true. Without a thought she pulled a dress out, threw it on the bed and turned away, walking out of the sunlight, away from what she couldn’t have, what she couldn’t let go of.

"Let me do it," she whispered to nobody. "Give me the strength to do it."

every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to go near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

The Bronze was crowded that night, but Buffy didn’t notice anyone else. She felt as if she were the only living person there; she felt as if she were alone with his soul, though his soul had fled. She moved restlessly; stood up from their table and walked a few feet away, but she couldn’t lose it. Couldn’t lose the ache in her stomach that wanted only to be with him. She couldn’t be near him. Not unless she was fighting him; not unless she was killing him.

Not unless she was doing what she knew she had to do.

Willow followed her away from the table and asked what was wrong. Buffy shook her off, said she was fine, she needed a breath of fresh air. Her friend looked worried, but that was the last thing on the Slayer’s mind. She had to be near him, no matter what it meant. She needed to be near him.

and I had the sense
to recognize
that I don’t know how
to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

She couldn’t do it; she had to. But every time she thought Angel she saw him as he had been. She didn’t see him as he was. And she felt his soul always, with her wherever she went. If she couldn’t even begin to forget, how could she ever kill him? How could she ever find that kind of strength?

And yet here she was, going to find him.

The night air was cool, but Buffy was on fire. Every inch of her skin remembered his touch, longed for it. She was being eaten alive and she had to find him, she had to stop it. There was only one way. One thing she had to do, one way to let go. At that moment in time, her whole being was centered on him and she couldn’t live like that. It scared her to even imagine it and yet it was true, so very true. She couldn’t be with him; the Angel she loved was gone. She had to realize that. She had to do it.

the glowing ember
burning hot and burning slow
deeper than I’m shaken
by the valance of existing for only you
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do

She heard his voice before she saw him; that sweet drawl of her name. She stopped and turned to see him. Every part of her burst into flames at the sight; every part wanted to run to him, to fling herself into his arms. But she couldn’t be with him. He was gone; this was not her Angel. Maybe she couldn’t let go, but she could try to start.

"I do what I have to do," she said aloud, startling him, though he didn’t show it. His dark eyes laughed at her, mocked her. She couldn’t be with him. Not with this monster. This was not her Angel. Her Angel was gone, lost to her forever. She couldn’t be with him.

The tears began while they fought; kept coming when it was over and she began to walk away. She hugged herself tightly and remembered his arms around her, felt his presence still, whispering to her, telling her it was all right. A breeze kissed her cheek as if it were him, drying the tears though they kept falling. She’d thought maybe, just maybe, she would be able to release him once she had done. But the strength to kill, to do what was needed, was not the same as the strength to let go. She had one; maybe the other would come in time. And the haunting presence of his soul was almost a comfort as she walked home through the night, crying for her lost love.

and I have the sense to recognize
that I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

The End