I Will Remember You
By Deanie
SPOILER WARNING: Everything up through "Enemies," specifically "Surprise,"
"Innocence," and "Becoming I and II."
RATING: PG-13 (sexual thoughts, but nothing that hasn’t been seen on Buffy before)
CONTENT: Angst
SUMMARY: Six months after he left Buffy, Angel reflects on their relationship.
FEEDBACK: Please, please, please J E-mail DeanieBTVS@aol.com
Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don’t belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…)
They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television
network. I’m just borrowing them for a while…and they’ll be returned when I’m done
putting them through the emotional wringer. I’m not making any money off of this,
so don’t sue. No copyright infringement is intended.
"I Will Remember You" is by Sarah McLachlan and can be found on "The
Brothers McMullen" soundtrack or on her CDs "Rarities, B-sides, and Other
Stuff" and "Mirrorball."
Author’s Note: This is part five in my "Bad Goodbye" series and that began
with "Still Holding On," my version of the Buffy/Angel breakup. The break-up
Angel is thinking of is NOT the one written in "The Prom," it’s my breakup,
but his feelings are the same.
Thanks to my wonderful beta reader Salatina, for making me sound more eloquent than
I really do.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
It’s been six months since I left her, and I can think of nothing else. No matter
what I do, my mind still turns to her. I can remember our goodbye, in her room --
every moment, every word. I memorized every part of her face that night and everything
she said. Her last words…"I love you. And I my heart, I’ll always be holding
on to you."
I almost hope that she hadn’t told the truth. As much as it kills me to think of
her with another man, I want her to get on with her life. I want her to find someone
she can make a life with -- a normal life – not a creature-of-the-night life…I want
her to have a husband, children…I want her to have a family. I just hope she’s not
letting her life go by, clinging to her memories of me… and I wish I knew if she
was.
Remember the good times that we had
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
She was so beautiful the first time I saw her, smiling and laughing with her
friends out in front of her school. She was so young, so carefree. I memorized every
inch of her that day. Her long, golden hair shining in the sun, her beautiful blue
eyes so open and unguarded, her petite body that looked so fragile but was so strong
in that white tank top and blue jean shorts. I wanted to feel the warmth of her smile,
see her eyes glow in anticipation of seeing me. At the time it seemed so impossible…but
it wasn’t.
Eventually I got to see her eyes light up at the sight of me, and I saw the love
shining in her eyes…all for me…
The good memories are the most painful of all. They remind me that, for a brief moment,
I was almost human again. I held my most precious dream in my hands when I held her
in my arms. But our time together was so short…I lived so long in the darkness and
for such a little time in her light before returning to the dark. It’s painful, knowing
that nothing I can ever do can recapture the beauty and wonder of being loved by
her. It hurts, knowing that the best moments of my life, the ones with her, are behind
me. It’s torment to think of her, though I can do nothing else.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I’ll take my memories of her to the last day. When the world ends around me my
last thoughts will be of her. For however many years I have left, she will haunt
me.
I wonder if I ever cross her mind as she does mine. Not that I want her to mourn
for me, for the love we lost, for the love that was never meant to be. But maybe,
every once in a while, she could stop and think of me…
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, oh, but we can't be heard
My biggest regret is that I could never find the words to tell her how much I
loved her. I could barely even get out those three basic words, let alone express
my deeper feelings. She deserved to know that she is my heart, she owns my soul…she
is the only one I’ve ever truly loved. I love her with a passion that knows no boundaries…it’s
a love so deep, down to the bottom of my soul, wider than any canyon or sea. Without
her I’m nothing, even less than nothing...with her I’m invincible.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I remember every time I saw her. Every conversation we had plays over and over
in my mind. And the most beautiful memory of all, the night we made love…I wouldn’t
even let my self fantasize that it could happen, that we could truly be one…but our
love was too strong to be denied. I remember how warm her body was, despite the chill
from the rain. I remember how soft her small hands were stroking my bare skin. I
remember her kisses, deep and strong. I remember the joy, the sheer joy of being
with her, skin to skin, heart to heart…Her love overwhelmed me to the point I could
think of nothing else but the unadulterated pleasure of being with her.
But it was a night never to be re-created…never to be repeated for fear of unleashing
the demon inside me. Just one more thing I could never give her…one more thing we
couldn’t share.
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
Every moment with her was ecstasy. Just being in her presence brought me more
happiness than I could ever imagine. But those moments were fraught with worry. I
was so afraid that I was going to lose her. I knew I would lose her someday and maybe
that’s part of why I left. I wanted…I want her to have a normal life with a normal
guy, but at the same time that’s only an excuse for me to run. I had to leave before
she woke up one morning and realized that her dreams had passed her by during the
years she spent with me. I had to leave before she understood what a mess she’d made
of her life by being with me. I was utterly afraid that that would happen: that she
would see me as only a mistake that she wished she hadn’t made. That she would hate
me with the same intensity she once loved me.
In the end, as always, my past was in the way. So I didn’t really have a choice.
I couldn’t give her what she deserves. She needs to have someone who can be there
for her twenty-four hours a day, to laugh with her, cry with her, make love with
her, and raise a family with her. She doesn’t deserve to be trapped with me and the
demon inside. She shouldn’t have to face the repercussions of the horrible things
I’ve done in my past, day after day for the rest of our lives. That’s my torture,
my hell, and I couldn’t ask her to share it. Not with all that she’s give me…she
gave me more than I ever dreamed I could have…friendship…love…life.
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I can’t help myself…the tears start to fall as I think of all there was between
us and all there never would be. I wish that I could be the one to give her the life
she wanted, that I could help her build a normal life. I wish that I could be waiting
as she walked down the aisle. I wish that we could make love in the sun on our honeymoon.
I wish that I could be in the delivery room with her, welcoming a new life to the
world. I wish I could watch our child nursing at her breast. I wish I could see our
children grow. I wish I could grow old with her, grow gray with her. I wish I could
watch her become the even more wonderful person she has the potential to be.
But I can’t be that man…and no amount of wishing can change that.
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I sit here, on the rooftop, looking out over the city, and cry.
Weep not for the memories