Letting Go

By Felicity

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters...I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if they were mine, they'd be a whole lot happier!

Author's Notes: This takes place after "Graduation, Part 2" except I haven't actually seen "Graduation, Part 2" as of yet (damn the WB!), so it takes place after my version of it. Just a little reflection piece from Buffy's POV. The song is called "Letting Go" and it's by Sozzi, on the Dawson's Creek Soundtrack.

Don’t call me
Don’t write
Don’t show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in

It was really happening. He was really leaving. After all that had happened…somehow she’d kept hope, in her heart that maybe he would change his mind. But no such luck.

He was leaving.

She’d been prepared for it. Before the prom, she’d decided absolutely that she would survive without him. It would be hard and painful, but it needed to happen. It had to happen. And then he had come and for one second, one glorious horrible second she had opened up again. Because he was there. It had to mean he was staying. It had to mean he couldn’t let her go.

But it didn’t mean that after all. And it hurt so much to try and close herself off again. It was so much harder. And when he came to help her, he’d looked so incredible and he’d seemed totally unhurt. I hoped again, even though I shouldn’t have, even though it was impossible and futile. I couldn’t help it. I love him so much and I can’t help it.

He called me a brat before she shot him.

I still recall the words you said
To me
It’s what you did not say
That sets me free
Now how can I
I’d be so blind
When you keep coming back again
It’s not okay
For you to play
This game of see-saw with my head
Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won’t play this
Game

His face is so beautiful bathed in moonlight. I didn’t think I could do this, I didn’t think I could be here to see him leave, but then I realized I have to. I need to see him leave or I’ll never believe it, I’ll never give up. And I have to give up. There’s no other way this will work.

"I love you," he breathes and I turn my face away, trying to deflect the words, not hear them. If I hear them they’re real and then I let him back in. I can’t do that. "I’ll call you when I get there."

"No," I say suddenly, the first thing I’ve said to him. He looks surprised. "No," I repeat. "I can’t deal with that. Don’t call me and don’t write and don’t show up because I really can’t handle that. Call Giles if you need to, or send him your phone and address for emergencies. But please, don’t call me. I need space."

"You need space?" he repeated. I look up at him and meet his eyes. He doesn’t understand, why should he? He was the one that wanted to leave. I fought it, fought him so hard. I gave him my life’s blood and he’s still leaving me.

Don’t call me
Don’t write
Don’t show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in

"Space," I repeat. "I need you more than anything in this world and I love you more than this universe, but if you walk away from me, I can’t let you back in. It’s the only way. Every time I have hope, every time I think maybe, maybe you’ll stay, it makes it so much harder when I realize how wrong I was. I can’t do that anymore. I want you to stay more than I want all the vampires—present company excluded—on this world to dissapear. But you’re not going to, so please, if you care for me at all, don’t call me or send me roses or notes or show up at my window in the middle of the night." My voice catches as the tears begin to flow, as the sobs start.

"Part of me hates you for leaving me," I admit, through the sobs. "It hurts so much and it’s not the right thing no matter what you think. I know, I know we’re meant to be together and you’re the only man that will ever make me happy. But if you don’t know that, and you obviously don’t, then I can’t do anything about it. God knows I’ve tried. I can’t do this anymore though, so please, please just go and don’t come back unless it’s to stay. To say forever, not for a little while. Forever."

His eyes are so beautiful and pained, but they can’t possibly hurt as much as my soul.

So now I say the things I want
To say
Sometimes it’s better
Letting go this way
I’ll always know
Down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I’ve given all I have to give
And now it’s time for me to live
And I won’t look back
And I won’t regret
Though it hurts like Hell
Someday I will
Forget

He walks away, into the darkness, like it doesn’t matter. Oh God, but I told him to go. I told him to leave and now he’s going. And it hurts in every part of me, in my toes and my knees and my stomach. It hurts in my arms and my hands and my fingernails. My throat is scraped dry and tied into five million knots, my jaw aches my lips burn for his and my eyes burn, all the tears will never stop that, never soothe that anguish.

And worse than that, so far far worse, my soul.

I turn away and walk, though how my legs work is a mystery, really. So much is. How he can walk away.

My words run over and over in my mind, accusations that I’ve done wrong, that I’ve only hurt us more, that I’ve ruined the only thing I ever had. What if I was wrong? What if I am?

But I can’t do that anymore. I have nothing left to give, nothing left to try with. I gave everything I have to him. I gave him my life and nothing will keep him with me. Nothing. Now I have to learn to live.

Don’t call me
Don’t write
Don’t show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in
Don’t call me
Don’t write
Don’t show up in the middle of night
To say that
You’ve been thinking
Cause I know it’s just the
Drink in you

He told me he would stay. Once, just once and I believed it. That was the worst. So much worse than when we danced. So much worse.

It was when he had drunk from me. I gave him my blood and lay beside him, struggling for consciousness. And he told me he loved me, whispered it in my ear. And then he told me he would stay. But it was just the blood in him, my blood, telling him to stay, begging him to stay. Once he had recovered he changed his mind. I don’t think he knew I’d heard. I didn’t do anything or say anything when I did. My soul rejoiced but my body didn’t. Maybe if I had, he would have kept his promise, he would have stayed.

That’s in the past now. It’s all in the past now.

But my blood made him think. My blood made him change his mind.

If only I had enough blood to give him every day. I would.

It’s funny how we seem to end
Up here
I never thought
I’d see this soul dissapear

Despite everything that happened between us, all the hurt and all the pain, I never thought we’d truly be separated. Somewhere in my heart was always the knowledge that somehow, someday, we would be together again. His soul would be with me, even when he had lost it. But now he’s gone. His soul itself walked away from me. I never imagined it would truly come to this. I never believed we would truly lose each other.

I never believed I could shut him out.

I have to, somehow.

Don’t call me
Don’t write
Don’t show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe in
This is letting go
This is letting go
This is letting go
This is…

Slowly my walk grows stronger, the pain lessens, just a little, tiny bit. But more will come, I know it. I can feel it in my bones, in my heart, in my soul. My words don’t echo so loudly in my brain anymore. They don’t seem so terrible.

Maybe this is what letting go is. Maybe I can do it.

That’s one thing I must believe in. I must believe in myself or I have nothing. I don’t have him.

And suddenly, it feels right. Everything I said, everything I did. I tried so hard, I held onto him for so long. And I haven’t let go yet, my fingers are still clutched tight on the image of him I hold so dear. But maybe, just maybe, they’re beginning to loosen a little. I was right to tell him not to come back. I was right to insist on what I need. Part of me wishes he would disregard what I told him and show up in my bedroom that night the next. But I know I was right, and I know he won’t do that. I tried as hard as I could to keep him with me. Now it’s time to work on me. Now it’s time to try and let go.

Don’t call me
Don’t write (it’s all right)
Don’t show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe in
Don’t call me
Don’t write (it’s all right)
Don’t show up in the middle of the night
To say that
You’ve been thinking
Cause I know it’s just the
Drink in you

Somewhere, my blood flows in his veins. And somehow, his flows in mine. He’ll always be part of me, always be in me. But I’m going to loosen my clutch, little by little. I’m already starting, already learning to let go.

And as I walk, I can see the stars again.

The End